Continuing to send money

[charisco]

Heh. Father in law. I was all WHAT???? How can you NOT be MIL? Guess I don't picture men being so nosy most of the time.

Well, let me see, I am and have been a man my entire adult life, so I guess that would qualify me as the father-in-law. If you see a father-in-law who is trying to actually give a darn about a young couple and help them out by trying to do what he can as simply being nosy, then I am sorry!!

 

[charisco]

Your daughter married a guy who has such bad credit that he can't get a checking account.

Yes, he has bad credit, big deal??

He's going to be paying 20% of his income in child support.

Um, yes we already know this......I have done some research on the subject.

He only brings home $300 every 2 weeks, according to you.

I have seen his paycheck stubs as they have asked me to try and help them with a budget, etc.

Please at least tell me that there's not another baby on the way. Please?

She had a miscarriage a couple of weeks ago actually. I suppose someone will have some snide remark to say about them being in this situation with bad credit, etc. not needing to start a family.

 

[charisco]

Frankly, I can only hope HE did.

Sorry, sure didn't. Just kinda sad that someone cannot innocently get advice for someone who does not have a computer to access the internet and do research on their own,

 

[CJane]

Well, let me see, I am and have been a man my entire adult life, so I guess that would qualify me as the father-in-law. If you see a father-in-law who is trying to actually give a darn about a young couple and help them out by trying to do what he can as simply being nosy, then I am sorry!!

Perhaps "nosy" was unkind.

But seriously, look at it this way. You're only hearing the side of the story that comes from the party that thinks he's being mistreated. In fact, you're probably hearing most of it from your lovestruck/loveblind child who thinks that her new husband is being mistreated.

You cannot possibly know how many threads are on this board regarding stories just like this. The ex babymomma is ALWAYS evil. She ALWAYS doesn't like the new wife. The poor guy is ALWAYS the mistreated party whose only mistake in the whole matter was trusting that evil hoochie who had his baby (usually from a one-night stand, or a drunken encounter, or a youthful indiscretion that he has regretted ever since).

The guy ALWAYS has the best of intentions, but is just broke -- usually through no fault of his own. And he ALWAYS desperately wants contact with his child, and is thwarted by the evil ex's evil family.

So yeah, maybe not NOSY. Maybe just gullible and feeling a little righteous and protective of your child and her new husband (who I'm betting is still very close to being a child).

But still... think about the story and how very very common it is. And you know what? It's NEVER exactly like it's been portrayed.

What do you suppose the babymomma is telling HER friends and family about HIM and his new wife? Is she telling them that ever since he got married he's had less interest in helping support the child? Is she telling them that the new wife insists on inserting herself into the relationship between her and him and their child (because face it, they're gonna have a relationship for the rest of their lives - no matter how dysfunctional it is).

What kind of advice would SHE be looking for if she were posting here?

 

[charisco]

Perhaps "nosy" was unkind.

But seriously, look at it this way. You're only hearing the side of the story that comes from the party that thinks he's being mistreated. In fact, you're probably hearing most of it from your lovestruck/loveblind child who thinks that her new husband is being mistreated.

You cannot possibly know how many threads are on this board regarding stories just like this. The ex babymomma is ALWAYS evil. She ALWAYS doesn't like the new wife. The poor guy is ALWAYS the mistreated party whose only mistake in the whole matter was trusting that evil hoochie who had his baby (usually from a one-night stand, or a drunken encounter, or a youthful indiscretion that he has regretted ever since).

The guy ALWAYS has the best of intentions, but is just broke -- usually through no fault of his own. And he ALWAYS desperately wants contact with his child, and is thwarted by the evil ex's evil family.

So yeah, maybe not NOSY. Maybe just gullible and feeling a little righteous and protective of your child and her new husband (who I'm betting is still very close to being a child).

But still... think about the story and how very very common it is. And you know what? It's NEVER exactly like it's been portrayed.

What do you suppose the babymomma is telling HER friends and family about HIM and his new wife? Is she telling them that ever since he got married he's had less interest in helping support the child? Is she telling them that the new wife insists on inserting herself into the relationship between her and him and their child (because face it, they're gonna have a relationship for the rest of their lives - no matter how dysfunctional it is).

What kind of advice would SHE be looking for if she were posting here?

I certainly see your points and they are justified. And I would likely feel the same had I not heard her and her family members on the phone talk to my son-in-law the way they do and say the things that I have heard with my own 2 ears in voicemails, read in text messages, etc. Her and her family are all very hateful and verbally abusive when they talk to him on the phone like he is the scum of the Earth. He is trying to do right by his daughter.

My son-in-law is a very hard worker and is trying to do all that he can, yet in a dead end town with the unemployment rate the way it is, he is fortunate to have one job that is not quite full time.

And my daughter has been very supportive of him sending her money for the most part except when she threatens to keep him from seeing his daughter. To me that is very immature on her part and I have also heard her state this with my own ears, etc. This man and my daughter are trying to do the right thing, yet they feel like their back is up against the wall due to her and her family constantly making threats etc.

 

[CJane]

I certainly see your points and they are justified. And I would likely feel the same had I not heard her and her family members on the phone talk to my son-in-law the way they do and say the things that I have heard with my own 2 ears in voicemails, read in text messages, etc. Her and her family are all very hateful and verbally abusive when they talk to him on the phone like he is the scum of the Earth. He is trying to do right by his daughter.

My son-in-law is a very hard worker and is trying to do all that he can, yet in a dead end town with the unemployment rate the way it is, he is fortunate to have one job that is not quite full time.

And my daughter has been very supportive of him sending her money for the most part except when she threatens to keep him from seeing his daughter. To me that is very immature on her part and I have also heard her state this with my own ears, etc. This man and my daughter are trying to do the right thing, yet they feel like their back is up against the wall due to her and her family constantly making threats etc.

Here's the deal. And it's going to sound unkind, but it's reality.

He CHOSE to make a baby with this hateful and spiteful woman. He is going to HAVE to be in a relationship with her for the rest of his life. "Til death do us part" has never been more true or accurate than when you share children, whether you were ever married or not.

Your daughter CHOSE to marry a man who has a hateful and spiteful ex with whom he shares a child.

He CHOSE not to take any legal action to this point... not to ensure his rights to visits with the child, and not to ensure that he was paying a reasonable amount of child support as determined by state guidelines.

Your daughter CHOSE to marry a man who placed his financial security and the state of his relationship with his child solely in the hands of a hateful and spiteful woman.

There are some choices that they both have left -- and one of those is to choose how they're going to handle the future relationship with the ex and the child.

Your daughter will have to accept that legally speaking, this child will come first once there is an order in place. Before the bills are paid, before the rent is paid, before groceries are purchased, before any future children that they have are fed or clothed or housed.

She will also have to accept that she does not and will not ever have any legal or familial rights to this child. She will have no rights to voice her opinion about this woman's parenting skills or communication skills or how she spends the child support she receives. She will not technically have any right to parent the child -- even when the child is in her home.

However, she WILL have some responsibility in whether or not this continues to be a dramatic and contentious relationship.

She needs to guard against her husband encouraging her involvement in communication with the ex. And she needs to guard against becoming overly involved in any aspect of the legalities, whether child support or visitation/custody.

In a very real way, she needs to develop an ability to have a compartmentalized relationship with her husband that excludes the practical and logistical aspects of this child, but does not exclude the CHILD.

She's married into a very difficult situation, even if there WASN'T drama. I knew ahead of time that I'd be the world's worst step-mother, which is why I would not even seriously date anyone with children.

And I'm not certain there's really any good way for ME to incorporate a step-father into the equation and so it's unlikely that I'll remarry while my children are smallish.

Those are my own limitations, and your daughter has clearly moved a few steps beyond that already -- but she needs to understand the reality NOW and make choices that allow a healthier relationship to develop.

 

[charisco]

Here's the deal. And it's going to sound unkind, but it's reality.

He CHOSE to make a baby with this hateful and spiteful woman. He is going to HAVE to be in a relationship with her for the rest of his life. "Til death do us part" has never been more true or accurate than when you share children, whether you were ever married or not.

Your daughter CHOSE to marry a man who has a hateful and spiteful ex with whom he shares a child.

He CHOSE not to take any legal action to this point... not to ensure his rights to visits with the child, and not to ensure that he was paying a reasonable amount of child support as determined by state guidelines.

Your daughter CHOSE to marry a man who placed his financial security and the state of his relationship with his child solely in the hands of a hateful and spiteful woman.

There are some choices that they both have left -- and one of those is to choose how they're going to handle the future relationship with the ex and the child.

Your daughter will have to accept that legally speaking, this child will come first once there is an order in place. Before the bills are paid, before the rent is paid, before groceries are purchased, before any future children that they have are fed or clothed or housed.

She will also have to accept that she does not and will not ever have any legal or familial rights to this child. She will have no rights to voice her opinion about this woman's parenting skills or communication skills or how she spends the child support she receives. She will not technically have any right to parent the child -- even when the child is in her home.

However, she WILL have some responsibility in whether or not this continues to be a dramatic and contentious relationship.

She needs to guard against her husband encouraging her involvement in communication with the ex. And she needs to guard against becoming overly involved in any aspect of the legalities, whether child support or visitation/custody.

In a very real way, she needs to develop an ability to have a compartmentalized relationship with her husband that excludes the practical and logistical aspects of this child, but does not exclude the CHILD.

She's married into a very difficult situation, even if there WASN'T drama. I knew ahead of time that I'd be the world's worst step-mother, which is why I would not even seriously date anyone with children.

And I'm not certain there's really any good way for ME to incorporate a step-father into the equation and so it's unlikely that I'll remarry while my children are smallish.

Those are my own limitations, and your daughter has clearly moved a few steps beyond that already -- but she needs to understand the reality NOW and make choices that allow a healthier relationship to develop.

Thank you so much for this post. It did not come across as unkind, it came across as being honest!! My wife and I have tried to explain many of these things to our daughter, but of course she knows EVERYTHING!!!

I am only trying to do what I can to try and help them out when I can.

 

[ecmst12]

Yes, pretty much everyone here is going to say that this couple cannot afford to have a child and they need to be more diligent with the birth control until their situation stabilizes.

 

[stealth2]

Thank you so much for this post. It did not come across as unkind, it came across as being honest!! My wife and I have tried to explain many of these things to our daughter, but of course she knows EVERYTHING!!!

I am only trying to do what I can to try and help them out when I can.

And seriously? It would be best if she/they learn sooner rather than later - and THEY will have to be the ones to learn. HE needs to step up to the plate, learn how to keep both your daughter and you/MIL in the place where each of you belongs wrt his child and ex. Which means HE needs to be the one taking control, getting information, etc. If he has no access to a computer, you could offer him to use yours after work. But make HIM do the work. Make HIM grow up, so he can be both the father and husband he should be. You are doing neither of them any real favors by doing all of this for them. Really.

 

[Astrolink]

There is one thing here I haven't seen yet. Has paternity even been established?

 

[milspecgirl]

and let's be honest- we tell people on here all the time- DO NOT send money without a court order. This couple cannot afford to have the courts come back and want money that he already paid. That is setting them up for failure too and setting the already strained relationship between the child's parents for explosion.

DAD needs to go to the courthouse and file to establish paternity, custody and child support. DAD needs to do this ASAP! He then needs to put back a set amount every paycheck to pay in child support cause the court will order him to make payments back to the date of filing. How awesome will it be if he can just write a check and pay it and not start off in the hole.

mom needs to understand (as we tell them all the time) that dad is not obligated to send anything without a court order.

stepmom and FIL need to step WAY back and let dad be a man and take responsibility for the child. Once dad has visitation in his own home (there may be a gradual build up to that), then stepmom will obviously be around the child. However, I would urge stepmom to stay away until that time. and even at that time, stay in the background.

Last- PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get these kids some good birth control. The last thing they need at this point in their marriage is the stress of a child. OR you could very possibly find your daughter in the same spot as mom in the very near future.

 

[Cainlord]

There is one thing here I haven't seen yet. Has paternity even been established?

+1

Assuming everything your daughter and SIL are saying about the child's mother, hopefully the SIL is not assuming that the daughter is his just because she says so. This assumption could have very painful consequences, both emotionally and financially.

The mother can complain all she wants, but if he hasn't already done so, he NEEDs to get this confirmed, like yesterday.

And if you want to help your SIL out, your best bet may be to help front him the money to get some legal advice and get all the child support & visitation established with his daughter. If he is a stand up guy, have him pay you back when he can.

Also, from my own experience, if you are dealing with a CP who is not on the up and up, you make sure you get as much detail as possible spelled out in your court docs.