Custody Hearing coming up (1st)

[AnonymousR]

What is the name of your state? California

*EDIT* I dont know if its called the HEARING, but its our first scheduled court appearance...

OK, I have a custody hearing coming up in 2 weeks.. My daughters mother filed for custody, and on the paper it says only "Physical Custody." Now I'm wondering a few things here. I've finally got the chance to speak to my daughters mother about things.. and I might be able to convince her to agree we have a verbal agreement about our daughter. She has one of these with her Ex-Boyfriend and their child (she has her child when she was young) They agree verbally, nothing is written on paper at any courts.. They have never went to court.

I was wondering, if I speak to her and get her to agree we will do this on our own, no courts. Can she drop the custody hearing completely? Do we HAVE to go to court still, or can she call it off? Can we go to court and she tells the judge/mediator we have come to our own agreement and do not want to have it on paper?

It seems like I can convince her, shes understanding.. and we won't ever just move away from everyone. Both of our familys live here, we both don't have a lot of cash, we're just 21. So i have no worries personally, she shouldn't either.

I say this because most likely she'll have my daughter more than me, if it gets to court. I do not want this.. I want 50/50 no child support involved. I can support my daughter myself, not just funding her.. I want to see her just as much as her mother does.

Me and her mother seriously still have a chance at a relationship. She started this because I kicked her out of my house, stupidly.. for no reason. Just had a weird mood that day, then she did this a couple days after. (looked at the date on the papers I have). And I hear that once you get some custody **** set in paper in the courts, its very hard to change it. So that is why I am trying to avoid this completely!!

Thanks for replies in advance, excuse me for my crappy writing skills.

R

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state? California

OK, I have a custody hearing coming up in 2 weeks.. My daughters mother filed for custody, and on the paper it says only "Physical Custody." Now I'm wondering a few things here. I've finally got the chance to speak to my daughters mother about things.. and I might be able to convince her to agree we have a verbal agreement about our daughter. She has one of these with her Ex-Boyfriend and their child (she has her child when she was young) They agree verbally, nothing is written on paper at any courts.. They have never went to court.

I was wondering, if I speak to her and get her to agree we will do this on our own, no courts. Can she drop the custody hearing completely? Do we HAVE to go to court still, or can she call it off? Can we go to court and she tells the judge/mediator we have come to our own agreement and do not want to have it on paper?

It seems like I can convince her, shes understanding.. and we won't ever just move away from everyone. Both of our familys live here, we both don't have a lot of cash, we're just 21. So i have no worries personally, she shouldn't either.

I say this because most likely she'll have my daughter more than me, if it gets to court. I do not want this.. I want 50/50 no child support involved. I can support my daughter myself, not just funding her.. I want to see her just as much as her mother does.

Me and her mother seriously still have a chance at a relationship. She started this because I kicked her out of my house, stupidly.. for no reason. Just had a weird mood that day, then she did this a couple days after. (looked at the date on the papers I have). And I hear that once you get some custody **** set in paper in the courts, its very hard to change it. So that is why I am trying to avoid this completely!!

Thanks for replies in advance, excuse me for my crappy writing skills.

R

You've already had a date set for a custody hearing. Unless neither one of you show up-it's going to happen. You can tell the judge you both are in agreement, and IF she says the same thing- That can be made the order of the court. Usually if you don't agree THEN you are sent to mediation. You can tell the mediator you agree also, but the mediator will still listen to both of you and come up with an idea based on their overview of the situation.

If you no longer are in a relationship and mother gets physical custody, expect to pay child support. It's not supporting the mother, its paying to help support the child. Also even if you both agree in court to 50/50 physical custody, that does not mean you do not pay child support. That is a myth. With 50/50 physical custody they take into account the higher earner - whether it be Mom OR Dad and that person usually pays a % of their income for support in order for the child to maintain the closest version of their previous lifestyle. ie; what they are accustomed to.

If you can get the mother to agree and you two can sign your own paperwork (the court has a Law Facilitator and Law Library and court clerks who will direct you to what paperwork to file) Then you may get as close to what you want as possible. However, this all depends on the mother agreeing- and continuing to agree through all the proceedings.

It's really not smart to have Nothing in writing. ie; no court order. Because down the road when one or the other of you moves, changes their minds or gets mad over something stupid- you will be fighting the same battle with many years passed which makes it harder. You really should get your custody and visitation set up as a court order so it's easier to follow and no one can change their minds down the road.

PS kicking your significant other and child out of the family home because you were in a "bad mood" has consequences~ You are now experiencing them.

 

[AnonymousR]

You've already had a date set for a custody hearing. Unless neither one of you show up-it's going to happen. You can tell the judge you both are in agreement, and IF she says the same thing- That can be made the order of the court. Usually if you don't agree THEN you are sent to mediation. You can tell the mediator you agree also, but the mediator will still listen to both of you and come up with an idea based on their overview of the situation.

If you no longer are in a relationship and mother gets physical custody, expect to pay child support. It's not supporting the mother, its paying to help support the child. Also even if you both agree in court to 50/50 physical custody, that does not mean you do not pay child support. That is a myth. With 50/50 physical custody they take into account the higher earner - whether it be Mom OR Dad and that person usually pays a % of their income for support in order for the child to maintain the closest version of their previous lifestyle. ie; what they are accustomed to.

If you can get the mother to agree and you two can sign your own paperwork (the court has a Law Facilitator and Law Library and court clerks who will direct you to what paperwork to file) Then you may get as close to what you want as possible. However, this all depends on the mother agreeing- and continuing to agree through all the proceedings.

It's really not smart to have Nothing in writing. ie; no court order. Because down the road when one or the other of you moves, changes their minds or gets mad over something stupid- you will be fighting the same battle with many years passed which makes it harder. You really should get your custody and visitation set up as a court order so it's easier to follow and no one can change their minds down the road.

PS kicking your significant other and child out of the family home because you were in a "bad mood" has consequences~ You are now experiencing them.

OK, so you're basically saying.. theres no way to just get it done without paperwork.

You said

1) We can agree in court and have it set in the court.
2) We can agree and get our own legal papers from the courts and both sign them.

So what are our options, again.. i'm slow so bare with me, for getting it done without the courts?

Should we just agree to both not go to the hearing, so its dropped out of the courts.. will anyone get in trouble?? (Is this really a good idea?)

And, are you saying we cannot go to the court and let the judge know, we've got our own agreement and want nothing on paper. Will a judge be able to just agree, and let us both go.. and do it ourselves? I know me and her mother would much rather do this.

Regards,
R

 

[casa]

OK, so you're basically saying.. theres no way to just get it done without paperwork.

You said

1) We can agree in court and have it set in the court.
2) We can agree and get our own legal papers from the courts and both sign them.

So what are our options, again.. i'm slow so bare with me, for getting it done without the courts?

Should we just agree to both not go to the hearing, so its dropped out of the courts.. will anyone get in trouble?? (Is this really a good idea?)

And, are you saying we cannot go to the court and let the judge know, we've got our own agreement and want nothing on paper. Will a judge be able to just agree, and let us both go.. and do it ourselves? I know me and her mother would much rather do this.

Regards,
R

No, no, no- Perhaps I wasn't clear. You cannot go to court and tell a judge you want nothing on paper. What you CAN tell the judge is that you 'stipulate' (Agree) on a parenting schedule which gives you both equal parenting time, or 50/50 physical custody and what that schedule is. ie; You have the child on x days and mother has the child on y days etc.

I do NOT think it's wise to have only a verbal agreement, nor do I think it's wise to not show up in court. I think you are asking for trouble and conflict to go by what you guys SAY only. Reason is: What if she gets into a 'mood' and decides she doesnt' want you to see the child? There is NOTHING you could do about it. There is no court order to enforce. You can tell police or a judge you have a verbal agreement, but you could not prove it. She could get mad & file for child support 3 years down the road saying you said you'd pay but you didn't all this time- Then you are in court fighting that. She could fall madly in love with someone who wants to move her and the child out of state in 3,4,5 years and you'd be left with nothing to say about it. Are you following this? A LOT happens between the age of 21 and say...35.
IF you have a court order, you can feel secure in knowing you have certain rights and you can enforce them if the other parent gets grumpy and decides not to cooperate etc. HOW can you rely on this person to be "agreeable" for the entire life of the child? First they filed for custody, now they 'say' they don't want to. First YOU said you were all living together as a family, then you said get out. SEE? A LOT can change.

The least expensive way to deal with this is attend the hearing while you both agree on joint physical custody. If you end up in court when you don't agree- it will take months and thousands of dollars.

 

[AnonymousR]

No, no, no- Perhaps I wasn't clear. You cannot go to court and tell a judge you want nothing on paper. What you CAN tell the judge is that you 'stipulate' (Agree) on a parenting schedule which gives you both equal parenting time, or 50/50 physical custody and what that schedule is. ie; You have the child on x days and mother has the child on y days etc.

I do NOT think it's wise to have only a verbal agreement, nor do I think it's wise to not show up in court. I think you are asking for trouble and conflict to go by what you guys SAY only. Reason is: What if she gets into a 'mood' and decides she doesnt' want you to see the child? There is NOTHING you could do about it. There is no court order to enforce. You can tell police or a judge you have a verbal agreement, but you could not prove it. She could get mad & file for child support 3 years down the road saying you said you'd pay but you didn't all this time- Then you are in court fighting that. She could fall madly in love with someone who wants to move her and the child out of state in 3,4,5 years and you'd be left with nothing to say about it. Are you following this? A LOT happens between the age of 21 and say...35.
IF you have a court order, you can feel secure in knowing you have certain rights and you can enforce them if the other parent gets grumpy and decides not to cooperate etc. HOW can you rely on this person to be "agreeable" for the entire life of the child? First they filed for custody, now they 'say' they don't want to. First YOU said you were all living together as a family, then you said get out. SEE? A LOT can change.

The least expensive way to deal with this is attend the hearing while you both agree on joint physical custody. If you end up in court when you don't agree- it will take months and thousands of dollars.

OK I understand now.. another question. Lets say we go to court, we both agree on the parenting schedule and its set in paper. Now lets say 3-6 months down the line she finally gets back with me and moves back in with me. What are our options there? We would most likely be living together in the same household.. (thinking positive) Do we go to court to drop the custody stuff because we're back together (Just not married just yet) Or must we wait til we are married before the papers are not set anymore... I believe this will happen soon, i really do.

R

 

[casa]

OK I understand now.. another question. Lets say we go to court, we both agree on the parenting schedule and its set in paper. Now lets say 3-6 months down the line she finally gets back with me and moves back in with me. What are our options there? We would most likely be living together in the same household.. (thinking positive) Do we go to court to drop the custody stuff because we're back together (Just not married just yet) Or must we wait til we are married before the papers are not set anymore... I believe this will happen soon, i really do.

R

Oh boy....this is a complex situation right now, isn't it? If you move back in together and get married, the whole situation will change. If you move back in and just live together, it may not. If at some point one of you leaves again- the court order would still stand the way it was written.

It sounds like you are not sure the relationship is even over. Did the mother make a hasty decision in filing? Perhaps you two should (if you are trying to reconcile) drop the proceedings. I'm just concerned that if she changes her mind between now and the hearing and shows up (while you think she's not going) that she could win by default. Go see the Family Law Facilitator at the court house WITH her and see about dropping the custody case.

 

[AnonymousR]

Oh boy....this is a complex situation right now, isn't it? If you move back in together and get married, the whole situation will change. If you move back in and just live together, it may not. If at some point one of you leaves again- the court order would still stand the way it was written.

It sounds like you are not sure the relationship is even over. Did the mother make a hasty decision in filing? Perhaps you two should (if you are trying to reconcile) drop the proceedings. I'm just concerned that if she changes her mind between now and the hearing and shows up (while you think she's not going) that she could win by default. Go see the Family Law Facilitator at the court house WITH her and see about dropping the custody case.

Yeah I am positive the relationship is not over. Shes not, at this very moment, saying shes coming back to me right away.. but it is going to happen. (She tells everything to a close friend of mine, a girl.. her best friend) OK, I got what I was looking for !!

Go see the Family Law Facilitator at the court house WITH her and see about dropping the custody case.

Exactly what I've been wanting to hear... what to do to drop it . She will be back, I've no doubt, hehe. I'm talking to her tomorrow morning sometime, I'll inform her about how we can drop this (Hope she agree's before its too late).

Thank you very much

R

 

[AnonymousR]

To answer your question about hasty decision, yes! I admit I messed up in kicking her out.. then we ignored each other for 1 day. After the 2nd night of her sleeping at another house (A cousin of hers) she filed for the custody. I know she was just upset at me kicking her out, which is understandable. But I've read so much about this stuff recently, about how it is hard to CHANGE the custody stuff AFTER its been set by the court. I am going to make a point to her to not do this, and we'll both go and drop it.. hopefully Monday.

Thanks

 

[karma1]

Well, in CA...casa....

"That can be made the order of the court. Usually if you don't agree THEN you are sent to mediation."

.....mediation first, then court....unless it's ex parte.....

OP--did you have mediation yet?

 

[AnonymousR]

"That can be made the order of the court. Usually if you don't agree THEN you are sent to mediation."

.....mediation first, then court....unless it's ex parte.....

OP--did you have mediation yet?

Yeah its mediation first.. you're right.

We have the first mediation date, in 2 weeks. Hopefully I can avoid it all by doing what casa said.. and going down there with my ex-gf and we can drop the custody case.

 

[AnonymousR]

Just keeping an update here..

I talked to her today but not for too long, not long enough to get to convince her of anything (Shes coughing and sneezing, not feeling too well).. we'll try again tomorrow and I'll update this at that time . If theres anything anyone could add.. by all means post.

R

 

[casa]

"That can be made the order of the court. Usually if you don't agree THEN you are sent to mediation."

.....mediation first, then court....unless it's ex parte.....

OP--did you have mediation yet?

karma~ if they go to the court date agreeing (stipulating) on a custody/visitation schedule, then it is not going to be sent to mediation. Mediation is if the parties do not agree or want the court to figure it out for them. That's why if they can't agree on a parenting plan when they get to court, they will then be sent to mediation.

In this case, they don't even know if the relationship is over though- Hopefully they try to make it work for their child....maybe enter counseling, before taking it through the court system.