Custody Issue

[RRevak]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? FL

I'm mostly looking for OG's opinion here but would greatly appreciate others as well on this one. Thanks ahead of time guys

So my ex has decided....after being MIA for 2 yrs...that he is going to take me to court for custody of my 5yr old. He says he is going to petition for her to live with him during the 2 month summer period and alternate weekends during the school year. Now mind you, he has had very very little contact with her with the exception of a few random phone calls and 2 visits for about 4 hrs each, in over 2 years. He pays no child support, and shows no interest in her everyday life and activities. My daughter knows who he is but doesnt have much of a relationship with him and occasionally has to be gently reminded that when he calls she has to talk to him because he's her father.

My question is if he takes me to court, what kind of custody could and would he be granted? I have no issue with him taking some form of custody but with the nearly non-existant relationship between them, i'm not ok with her spending a weekend with him without me or just being shipped to his house for an entire summer. At least not at first. Oh, and we live 5hrs apart so short visits on the weekends would be difficult...not impossible, but very difficult.

I would like to know what i'm looking at as far as what he would be granted when we make it to court. Its strange that he's doing this though as my husband and I are about to begin proceedings for hubs to adopt her...after dad earlier consented to the adoption. He has a new girlfriend that he says wants to help him raise lil'one and that he is going to get his life together to make room for her. I guess i'm just nervous and confused.

I'd appreciate everyone's input What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Antigone*]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? FL

I'm mostly looking for OG's opinion here but would greatly appreciate others as well on this one. Thanks ahead of time guys

So my ex has decided....after being MIA for 2 yrs...that he is going to take me to court for custody of my 5yr old. He says he is going to petition for her to live with him during the 2 month summer period and alternate weekends during the school year. Now mind you, he has had very very little contact with her with the exception of a few random phone calls and 2 visits for about 4 hrs each, in over 2 years. He pays no child support, and shows no interest in her everyday life and activities. My daughter knows who he is but doesnt have much of a relationship with him and occasionally has to be gently reminded that when he calls she has to talk to him because he's her father.

My question is if he takes me to court, what kind of custody could and would he be granted? I have no issue with him taking some form of custody but with the nearly non-existant relationship between them, i'm not ok with her spending a weekend with him without me or just being shipped to his house for an entire summer. At least not at first. Oh, and we live 5hrs apart so short visits on the weekends would be difficult...not impossible, but very difficult.

I would like to know what i'm looking at as far as what he would be granted when we make it to court. Its strange that he's doing this though as my husband and I are about to begin proceedings for hubs to adopt her...after dad earlier consented to the adoption. He has a new girlfriend that he says wants to help him raise lil'one and that he is going to get his life together to make room for her. I guess i'm just nervous and confused.

I'd appreciate everyone's input What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

Well, RRevak, I hope you haven't put any money towards that adoption because you would be better served using the funds towards an attorney who can help you obtain an suitable custody order for your child.

 

[RRevak]

Well, RRevak, I hope you haven't put any money towards that adoption because you would be better served using the funds towards an attorney who can help you obtain an suitable custody order for your child.

Grrr, unfortunately we already have. We've already paid the retainer fee for the attorney who is going to take care of the adoption work. Again, the ex consented so we went forward. He was notified that we were retaining an attorney and again, gave consent to go forward. But he didnt have this girlfriend than. Now he's decided that thats not what he wants and he now wants to have custody. I guess i'm mostly worried that he only wants this while he has this girlfriend and in the event of their break-up, will change his mind again to not wanting custody or involvement with lil'one. He's frustrating like that *sigh*

 

[Isis1]

so dad wants to step up. okay. so you counter with a gradual parenting plan that starts with supervised visitation for a few hours. once a week. if dad is really interested to be a dad, he'll do it. offer to meet halfway. this cuts it down to 2.5 hours. then, dad does all day on his own. you meet halfway. then overnight. he does all the transportation at that point. then a full weekend for one month. dad does all the transportation. and so on and so on till dad has what he is asking for.

 

[RRevak]

so dad wants to step up. okay. so you counter with a gradual parenting plan that starts with supervised visitation for a few hours. once a week. if dad is really interested to be a dad, he'll do it. offer to meet halfway. this cuts it down to 2.5 hours. then, dad does all day on his own. you meet halfway. then overnight. he does all the transportation at that point. then a full weekend for one month. dad does all the transportation. and so on and so on till dad has what he is asking for.

Will the court allow a gradual plan or will they give him the full monty so to speak???

 

[RRevak]

Ugh, and what are we supposed to do about the retainer we've paid to the attorney for the adoption? I'm wondering if the attorney will allow us to change things to him working for the custody issue. Anyone think this will be possible? I've shot him a phone call this morning but he will be unavailable for the rest of the day.

 

[mommyof4]

Will the court allow a gradual plan or will they give him the full monty so to speak???

It's going to be a very rare court that will award immediate, unfettered standard access and parenting time when the child is unfamiliar with the formerly absent parent.

 

[Isis1]

Will the court allow a gradual plan or will they give him the full monty so to speak???

if dad has been non-existant to the child, then there would be no reason for the court to object it. oh, is it possible to also offer webcam visits? might want to throw those in there.

 

[RRevak]

if dad has been non-existant to the child, then there would be no reason for the court to object it. oh, is it possible to also offer webcam visits? might want to throw those in there.

I didnt think about the webcam thing, but internet where I live is spotty so i'm not sure it would work very well. But I will definately look into it.

OK thats good. As ive said before, I have no objection to him eventually...eventually being the key word here...retaining some form of custody but as of this point lil' bit honestly doesnt have enough of a relationship with him to place all the cards on the table so to speak. This is all coming from the guy who at one point had his girlfriend/fiancee at the time (this was the middle of last year) call to tell me to "take my child and go" as he told her lil' bit wasnt his and she was appalled that I was "forcing him to take care of a child that didnt belong to him". Boy was she upset when DNA came back that lil' bit was his. Again, as of a short time ago he was also more than happy to consent to an adoption so I guess i'm having a hard time believing his heart is really in this. My biggest fear is that he will be granted time, he'll be there for 5 min, and then disappear and lil' bit will have to go through that all over again.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? FL

I'm mostly looking for OG's opinion here but would greatly appreciate others as well on this one. Thanks ahead of time guys

So my ex has decided....after being MIA for 2 yrs...that he is going to take me to court for custody of my 5yr old. He says he is going to petition for her to live with him during the 2 month summer period and alternate weekends during the school year. Now mind you, he has had very very little contact with her with the exception of a few random phone calls and 2 visits for about 4 hrs each, in over 2 years. He pays no child support, and shows no interest in her everyday life and activities. My daughter knows who he is but doesnt have much of a relationship with him and occasionally has to be gently reminded that when he calls she has to talk to him because he's her father.

My question is if he takes me to court, what kind of custody could and would he be granted? I have no issue with him taking some form of custody but with the nearly non-existant relationship between them, i'm not ok with her spending a weekend with him without me or just being shipped to his house for an entire summer. At least not at first. Oh, and we live 5hrs apart so short visits on the weekends would be difficult...not impossible, but very difficult.

I would like to know what i'm looking at as far as what he would be granted when we make it to court. Its strange that he's doing this though as my husband and I are about to begin proceedings for hubs to adopt her...after dad earlier consented to the adoption. He has a new girlfriend that he says wants to help him raise lil'one and that he is going to get his life together to make room for her. I guess i'm just nervous and confused.

I'd appreciate everyone's input What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

I haven't read ahead and am a little behind. He may get JOINT custody eventually but not a 50/50. Expect that he would get a graduated schedule to become reacquainted with your (plural) child. He won't immediately jump into EOQ and summers. And for summer he can look at half the summer and not the whole thing if and when it gets that far. What happens when new girlfriend is out of the picture?

 

[Ohiogal]

Ugh, and what are we supposed to do about the retainer we've paid to the attorney for the adoption? I'm wondering if the attorney will allow us to change things to him working for the custody issue. Anyone think this will be possible? I've shot him a phone call this morning but he will be unavailable for the rest of the day.

Yes the attorney should allow you to put your retainer towards that PROVIDED that attorney does that work. If not then he should refund you the remainder of your retainer.

 

[RRevak]

UPDATE and new question...



*sigh* Ok, so dad has changed his mind...again...and now says he does not want custody of lil' bit as he says his current circumstances do not permit him to have the time. Shocker. Thats coming AFTER we talked to the attorney about changing the adoption to a custody agreement. Once again, money spent for nothing. He is now living in North Carolina with his girlfriends parents. Ive just been informed out of the blue that we have a court date on the 4th regarding child support with the case I began last year. He is claiming that he cannot be present for this date and says he cannot reach anyone regarding changing the date to one where he can be present. My question is first, can he change the date? And second, if he cannot and is not present at the hearing can they still impose a support order? I absolutely loathe the guy but I guess I dont loathe him enough to see him in a bind for something he has no control of. He swears he never received any paperwork regarding the upcoming hearing and since he was not made aware, he hasnt been able to gather the finances to make the drive down. I guess i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and taking his word and am now looking to see how/if this situation can be changed to one that fits the both of us. So if the hearing was set by the state, does that make a difference as far as flexibility goes and how could we go about changing things if they can? And if not, then what would the consequences be?

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

*sigh* Ok, so dad has changed his mind...again...and now says he does not want custody of lil' bit as he says his current circumstances do not permit him to have the time. Shocker. Thats coming AFTER we talked to the attorney about changing the adoption to a custody agreement. Once again, money spent for nothing. He is now living in North Carolina with his girlfriends parents. Ive just been informed out of the blue that we have a court date on the 4th regarding child support with the case I began last year. He is claiming that he cannot be present for this date and says he cannot reach anyone regarding changing the date to one where he can be present. My question is first, can he change the date? And second, if he cannot and is not present at the hearing can they still impose a support order? I absolutely loathe the guy but I guess I dont loathe him enough to see him in a bind for something he has no control of. He swears he never received any paperwork regarding the upcoming hearing and since he was not made aware, he hasnt been able to gather the finances to make the drive down. I guess i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and taking his word and am now looking to see how/if this situation can be changed to one that fits the both of us. So if the hearing was set by the state, does that make a difference as far as flexibility goes and how could we go about changing things if they can? And if not, then what would the consequences be?

I would be very interested in knowing how the final orders go. I am in a similar situation and completely sympathize with your frustration. Good luck to you!

 

[RRevak]

Drastic situation change



I've added this to my original thread so as to not cause any confusion. So, as of 2 months ago my daughters father has yet again resurfaced. Its been quite a while with visits prior being about once a year or so. He now wants time on the weekends with visits during the week as well. At first I allowed the weekly visits and after a month gave him a full weekend. Lil' bit was fine at first but now my husband and I are starting to see drastic changes in her behavior. She has gone from a tough cookie to a crying mess at the drop of a hat and she's constantly expressing guilt over whether or not her fathers feelings are getting hurt. She's in counseling now for said issues but its early and they aren't helping much, at least at this point. Her father is demanding the weekly visits become permanent and wants weekends with her "whenever he can get down here" which he is never able to arrange early enough that its not a struggle for us to accommodate. I'm now wondering if its too much time with lil' bit too early and would like a lighter schedule made. I've begun talking to him about taking this to court for official custody/visitation orders drawn up, and for him to help pay for her counseling etc, but he is adamant that it remain out of court and between us. I honestly believe its both his desire to control the situation and his fear that child support will come into play. My question is can I personally begin proceedings for visitation or does it have to be him? I'm just not comfortable anymore trying to work with him as our relationship is and has always been very volatile. I want a third party creating something in writing we can all follow and anticipate but he refuses. We both reside in florida, he has signed the birth certificate, and paternity has been established. Also, if this were to go to court, what sort of time would we potentially be looking at as far as custody? Advice would be greatly appreciated as i'm at a loss over all this and just want whats best for my child. Thanks in advance guys

 

[MichaCA]

If it were me...I'd cut back on the visits. Perhaps they need to be way more gradual - like starting out an afternoon 1 X week. After a couple of months, a full day...of course if she seems to be doing fine...go back to overnights...but I would do it all slowly.

If this had happened in court...I would have requested - with or without supervised visits (saw that suggestion earlier), but I would have emphasized reunification counseling, and dad pays. That way obviously, you have a counselor who is responsible for seeing how the relationship is proceeding and can make recommendations.

Bottom line - this is a flaky dad. Seems back and forth a bit. Doesn't like court? Too bad. I would strongly push the reuinification, if its not too late...giving he has become almost a stranger to her, plus things may have gone awry with jumping into visitation too quickly.

In the meantime, I would set out the rules, explaining its for her best interests to develop a solid, trusting relationship with her dad...needs to happen more slowly. And with clear cut boundries and routine - pretty important for that age to know what to expect. I mean, can't dad give at least one week notice before he wants a visit? I would request that, at a minimum. A court would too.