Custody Issue

[Antigone*]

I've added this to my original thread so as to not cause any confusion. So, as of 2 months ago my daughters father has yet again resurfaced. Its been quite a while with visits prior being about once a year or so. He now wants time on the weekends with visits during the week as well. At first I allowed the weekly visits and after a month gave him a full weekend. Lil' bit was fine at first but now my husband and I are starting to see drastic changes in her behavior. She has gone from a tough cookie to a crying mess at the drop of a hat and she's constantly expressing guilt over whether or not her fathers feelings are getting hurt. She's in counseling now for said issues but its early and they aren't helping much, at least at this point. Her father is demanding the weekly visits become permanent and wants weekends with her "whenever he can get down here" which he is never able to arrange early enough that its not a struggle for us to accommodate. I'm now wondering if its too much time with lil' bit too early and would like a lighter schedule made. I've begun talking to him about taking this to court for official custody/visitation orders drawn up, and for him to help pay for her counseling etc, but he is adamant that it remain out of court and between us. I honestly believe its both his desire to control the situation and his fear that child support will come into play. My question is can I personally begin proceedings for visitation or does it have to be him? I'm just not comfortable anymore trying to work with him as our relationship is and has always been very volatile. I want a third party creating something in writing we can all follow and anticipate but he refuses. We both reside in florida, he has signed the birth certificate, and paternity has been established. Also, if this were to go to court, what sort of time would we potentially be looking at as far as custody? Advice would be greatly appreciated as i'm at a loss over all this and just want whats best for my child. Thanks in advance guys

Why on earth would you listen to your ex.

Get a court order and follow the order. This is in the best interest of the child!

 

[RRevak]

If it were me...I'd cut back on the visits. Perhaps they need to be way more gradual - like starting out an afternoon 1 X week. After a couple of months, a full day...of course if she seems to be doing fine...go back to overnights...but I would do it all slowly.

If this had happened in court...I would have requested - with or without supervised visits (saw that suggestion earlier), but I would have emphasized reunification counseling, and dad pays. That way obviously, you have a counselor who is responsible for seeing how the relationship is proceeding and can make recommendations.

Bottom line - this is a flaky dad. Seems back and forth a bit. Doesn't like court? Too bad. I would strongly push the reuinification, if its not too late...giving he has become almost a stranger to her, plus things may have gone awry with jumping into visitation too quickly.

In the meantime, I would set out the rules, explaining its for her best interests to develop a solid, trusting relationship with her dad...needs to happen more slowly. And with clear cut boundries and routine - pretty important for that age to know what to expect. I mean, can't dad give at least one week notice before he wants a visit? I would request that, at a minimum. A court would too.

Yes its always been an in and out deal with him. Its become very different now as he's now demanding time. I've tried talking to him about it being best for her that things go slowly, and that her behavior dictates something is wrong, but he's coming into this with guns blazing so to speak and refuses to listen. He is convinced i'm telling her awful things about him and that's why she's so distressed. Nothing could be further from the truth. Since this is an unmarried situation, would he have to begin proceedings or would I be able to? As this is a somewhat distance related custody situation (dad lives 2+ hours away) how would that affect things? He moved, i've been at the same home since lil' bit was small. And how would I go about having the court work with the counselor? I'm sorry, i'm new to this as he has never officially taken me for custody and we aren't able to afford an attorney...yet.

 

[RRevak]

Why on earth would you listen to your ex.

Get a court order and follow the order. This is in the best interest of the child!

I'm just unsure how to get one as I was under the impression that since this is an unmarried situation, that he would have to be the one to file. Seeing as he refuses, i'm asking how to go about doing it myself.

 

[Antigone*]

I'm just unsure how to get one as I was under the impression that since this is an unmarried situation, that he would have to be the one to file. Seeing as he refuses, i'm asking how to go about doing it myself.

There is nothing stopping you from filing. Why haven't you spoken to a family law attorney? I thought you had already done that?

 

[RRevak]

There is nothing stopping you from filing. Why haven't you spoken to a family law attorney? I thought you had already done that?

We had begun speaking to an attorney but that was in 2009. After he moved to NC and declined custody, we dropped the issue as he yet again disappeared and we didn't see any point in going further. We aren't able to retain an attorney at this point and I know very little about working through the court regarding custody. If he digs his heels in, will an order still be created? He says his work schedule is too complicated for an official order as he "never knows when he's going to work". Also the reason he refuses to pay any form of support.

 

[Ohiogal]

File for court orders regarding paternity (if necessary), custody, support and visitation. Get everything ordered. Do that now. Cut back on visits to a level you believe your child will be comfortable with but do NOT terminate them. Take it slow but consistent. Make sure dad is consistent and go throught the court process.

 

[LdiJ]

I agree with everyone else that one option is for you to file to establish paternity, (if necessary) custody/visitation and child support yourself.

The other option, which is equally valid, is to tell dad that if he wants any more visitation other than a few hours here or there, that HE has to take it to court.

Either one would be good. I lean towards the second one only because it appears that dad gets riled up and wants a relationship with his child and then backs off after a few months and is pretty much absent from her life for a couple of years. It sounds like a pattern. I would have some concern that you would spend a lot of money getting court orders in place, only to have him flake out during or shortly after the process.

If he files, then he would be putting his money where his mouth is, and will be more likely to stick with it.

 

[RRevak]

I agree with everyone else that one option is for you to file to establish paternity, (if necessary) custody/visitation and child support yourself.

The other option, which is equally valid, is to tell dad that if he wants any more visitation other than a few hours here or there, that HE has to take it to court.

Either one would be good. I lean towards the second one only because it appears that dad gets riled up and wants a relationship with his child and then backs off after a few months and is pretty much absent from her life for a couple of years. It sounds like a pattern. I would have some concern that you would spend a lot of money getting court orders in place, only to have him flake out during or shortly after the process.

If he files, then he would be putting his money where his mouth is, and will be more likely to stick with it.

Paternity was established through the court during the initial proceedings for support so that part is covered. As much as I truly agree with you here, the issue comes from his refusal to file. He seems to believe that getting official orders wouldn't work as he wouldn't be able to come up with a schedule that worked enough with his own. I've tried reasoning with him by explaining that court orders would be something to take to his employer to show when he needed time off etc, but his response was that if he had to work and wasn't available when it came up, then he would miss a job and not get paid. His weekends are unpredictable at best (according to him) and during the week wouldn't work due to the distance. As much as i've tried, he just doesn't want to work with me here and i'm tired of the phone calls of "I'd like to see my daughter this weekend" when its already Wednesday. Her birthday yesterday turned into a fiasco because I had already made plans for her at the same time that he had apparently (unbeknownst to me) made plans with her as well. My goal is to have a regular schedule in place so we ALL know when to have lil' bit available, have the situation closely monitored by the counselor (something else he has issues with as he doesn't believe lil' bit needs it) and to have him be responsible for half the cost, and a weekly support amount established. I agree with the fear of him flaking out again after the attorney comes into play but I just can't deal with this on my own anymore. If his work schedule is as unpredictable as he says it is, how will that affect visitation and how will the distance come into play? Also, would the court allow for him to be partially responsible for the counselor even though he doesn't agree with it?

 

[LdiJ]

Paternity was established through the court during the initial proceedings for support so that part is covered. As much as I truly agree with you here, the issue comes from his refusal to file. He seems to believe that getting official orders wouldn't work as he wouldn't be able to come up with a schedule that worked enough with his own. I've tried reasoning with him by explaining that court orders would be something to take to his employer to show when he needed time off etc, but his response was that if he had to work and wasn't available when it came up, then he would miss a job and not get paid. His weekends are unpredictable at best (according to him) and during the week wouldn't work due to the distance. As much as i've tried, he just doesn't want to work with me here and i'm tired of the phone calls of "I'd like to see my daughter this weekend" when its already Wednesday. Her birthday yesterday turned into a fiasco because I had already made plans for her at the same time that he had apparently (unbeknownst to me) made plans with her as well. My goal is to have a regular schedule in place so we ALL know when to have lil' bit available, have the situation closely monitored by the counselor (something else he has issues with as he doesn't believe lil' bit needs it) and to have him be responsible for half the cost, and a weekly support amount established. I agree with the fear of him flaking out again after the attorney comes into play but I just can't deal with this on my own anymore. If his work schedule is as unpredictable as he says it is, how will that affect visitation and how will the distance come into play? Also, would the court allow for him to be partially responsible for the counselor even though he doesn't agree with it?

I think its unpredictable whether or not the judge would make him responsible for 1/2 of her counseling. I also suspect that even if a set schedule gets put into place that he will still want to take her whenever its convenient for him rather than on the set schedule. You certainly can say no to him if you already have plans now...you won't be in any stronger position if the court makes a schedule.

In fact, any time he makes plans with the child before speaking to you first (until a set schedule is in place and those plans are within the set schedule) then I would automatically say no. Eventually both he and the child will realize that speaking to you first is necessary.