Custody - Question

[Rebecca21904]

What is the name of your state?California

My son has been living with his dad for the past 6 months. He is 10. He, at the time was unhappy that I remarried and didn't want to get along with his new stepfather so rather than fight with him about it, I allowed him to live with his father. His dad has never filed anything with the court as far as custody goes. I still have sole physical custody on paper. Anyway, oh yeah, and his sister lives with me, she is almost 8. I have decided recently, after talking with my son, that he should be living with me and his sister and we should go to counseling. I think he has received a bad message that when things get tough, he can run away from it. I want him to come back and live here. He said he wants to come home and he wants to try to get to know my husband better and be a family. Anyway, my question is this. Since I have sole physical custody still I know I can bring him home... He will be going back to the school he was originally attending before he went to live with his dad. Some of you may jump on me for this... I dont know. I have been this child's primary care giver since he was 3. His dad never takes him to the dentist, everytime i get him on the weekend, he has been in trouble at school, he never gets his hair cut. His dad has never been a full time dad before and I don't think my son is getting the care he should there. He also has a 14 year old half brother he shares a room with who is cussing and running away. I dont feel it is a good environment for him. Anyway, any thoughts? I dont know why his dad never filed papers for custody. No clue. I know legally I can bring him home. I just don't know how the court will look at it, after I bring him home, if his dad then petitions the court for custody... what will happen. Any insight would be appreciated...

 

[stealth2]

How does the move to NC fit in with all this?

 

[Gingermom]

Custody - question

I think that you are doing the right thing. Oh hind sight, if only we had it. At least you were smart in keeping custody, which means, you legally allowed to bring him home. But how does the father feel about this? You hope he does not get too upset about this change, or if he will put up a fight. It sounds like you have started on a parenting plan, that's good get it in writing. Like I said you shouldn't have a problem.. Call a lawyer, lawyers have free consultations and ask the questions. good luck

 

[Rebecca21904]

It doesn't actually. There isn't going to be a move any longer. My husband is headed straight to afghanistan for a year so no bother to move. I also wanted to add that co-parenting does not exist in my situation. My ex, since my son has been there, won't let me talk to him on the phone most of the time and when he does, he monitors the time and makes my son wrap it up after 8 minutes doing this irritating count-down thing. He and his new wife don't support our relationship whatsoever and frankly, my ex feels like if i fell off the face of the earth, he would be better off, as would our children. Anyway... back to my original question... I should have mentioned the move is off... To be honest regarding the move, I couldnt move anyway because back to the original problem... my ex refused to co-parent. He has no problem co-parenting with his wife and her children but refuses to co-parent our children with me... sorry, it is frustrating, lol.

Thanks for asking.

 

[blendedfamily]

IMO I think you should think about what moving your son is going to do to him... Just because you have a "legal right" doesn't mean you need to.

The things you mentioned that you are concerned with can be argued...dad doesn't take him to the dentist..ok he's only been there 6 months right?? So how many times has he needed to go to dentist? and since you have legal custody why havent you taken him?
And if he's getting in trouble in school it doesn't have to be dads fault maybe it is because of allthe famliy drama in his life...maybe you should start the counseling before up up root him again.

The half brother sharing a room is going to be an issue that your son sees anyway even if you move son back home right?
Inless brother is a threat to him I can't see it being a reason to uproot...


Now again this is JMO..you probably do have legal right to bring him home...but hasnt he been through alot this past year already??? Maybe he just needs time to get settled in......

 

[Rebecca21904]

It is a pattern. His son from previous marriage hasn't been to the dentist for 2 years. My point is this... when my son went to live there (trial basis) his dad was all ready to coparent... he doesn't do that now. He refuses to give me my son's medical info so I can take him to the dentist. I dont have him during the week even to take him. His father never includes me in any of my son's activities, I feel that it is in the best interest of the child to be supported by both parents in everyway. Children need both parents and while my son has been living with dad, he does not get that. He doesnt get both his parents, he gets one. Everytime I see my son, he wants to come back to live here, doesn't want to leave, etc. Thanks for your opinion. I have a call into my attorney... who handled the divorce... have not heard back yet though...

Thanks again.

 

[blendedfamily]

I can completly understand what you are saying about how it has changed for you since he so to say got his hands on him....I'm there now...I was the CP who allowed dad all the time he was willing to take because I thought it was important for my son... I too made the mistake of allowing son to live with dad...and have regretted it since...not because I feel my son is in a situation he shouldnt be but because I do not get the same time w/ my son I allowed dad to have.....my son has gone through alot and although I'd give anything to have him home again...I am not going to do that too him...
I know theres a difference here... my son IS well taken care of at dads...so I really have no concerns there...I do feel SM henders my relationship so to say...not allowing regular phone contact...and so on....

But as for being envolved in my sons activities I don't leave it to him to tell me...I'm envolved in everything...school keeps me updated..teacher calls me ...I get a monthly calendar at the beginning of month from school to make sure I know whats going on...I contact coaches if I have too...
I'm not sure of the distance between you...we have very little actually we live 2 blocks kids all ride the same bus now..but it hasn't always been that easy....

I wish you luck and hope all works out for you all..

 

[Rebecca21904]

I talked to my son today about coming early to pick him up on Friday to meet his counselor at school and he says... oh goody, my birth mom is coming. HIS BIRTH MOM. That is apparently what his father and his new wife are referring to me as. I find this completely out of line. Yes, I gave birth to him but I am his only MOTHER. This makes me feel like I was even more justified in wanting to bring him home. The birth mother... like that child hasn't lived with me every day of his life until 6 months ago and now I'm the "birth mother".

So Frustrating.

Rebecca

 

[Gingermom]

I know this is difficult...but...

Rebecca, First, I am sorry to hear your husband is going over to Afghanistan, and I know this is a difficult time.

But I am not understand ing this? Is it that now since there is not a man in the house that you feel you can no longer take care of your son? It sounds like you are a concerned mother, yes mother....I don't want to say, but I would write all these things he tells your son and things your ex does to make it difficult to have a relationship with him. The phone thing is all wrong...you have a right to talk to your son. Please, if this is your desire, go and get your son before too much time has past by, however, there are considerations ..... Q: Does your son want to come back? or is he happy right now with daddy? I would imagine that makes a difference. How did your son understand this situation to take place, was it to be temporary? What was it that your son did not like about your husband? It 's okay if he wants to be with daddy because he might need his daddy, but I would start being pro active...you have custody -- Instead of running from this...I would suggest family counseling for you and your son (and daughter? - I imagine your daughter is subjected to all of this) maybe with the ex? Then I definitely thins mediation with you and your ex and his wife, because there sounds like there are some definite issues.

So in my opinion, if your son stay's with dad, there needs to be changes of behavior with your ex and his wife...but please get it in writing, go back to court - talk to your lawyer and counselor. If you start taking steps to help your son with what has gone on, you will then be more of a responsible parent and you will also show your son that you care and this is how we handle hard situations by dealing with them, not by running away (i am not implying you are running away from this). Again write all phone calls cut offs, things your son says ie. Biological mom?? that is not alright you are his mother (what is that?) so please I know this is a difficult time for you...but you can do this....if this is what you want for you and your son and daughter...how is your daughter? Also will it be feasible to raise both fianancially? and emotionally? Okay good luck - we're here for ya!