DAD - bit off more than he can chew

[momandsmom003]

What is the name of your state? La

For every one step forward, my dear hubby takes one step backwards.

Oldest sdaughter and dad got together and decided that she was going to try out for an extra curricular activity at school. Sdaughter had already asked mom about paying for 1/2 if dad paid for 1/2. Mom said no - toddler, infant, younger sdaughter and older sdaughter -not enough extra cash flow. So what does Dad do??? Yup!! You guessed it. Said he pay for all of it. So she tries out, makes it. . So this is how it has been around here....Mon. older sdaughter stays after school to try out. Dad has to go to Mom's pick up younger sdaughter off bus. (mom at work). Go wait for older one to be done, take them both back home. Tues. Same thing but with practice not tryouts. Guess what, she has practice again today.

So I asked him... Are you agreeing to pay for all costs and all transportation AND we just upped her C.S? When we sat down and figured out how many trips that would be, he didnt' know what to say. So now he has to ask mom IF she gets off work early enough can she start picking up after practice. She will not be home some days to get younger sdaughter off bus, but he said he would then meet her at school and she could bring them both home with her.

Mom called my cell and asked me my opinion. (She knows we are trying to go on vacation this summer with all the kids). I told her I was in agreement UNLESS it costs more than what we all paid for her to do last year. ONLY b/c All kids want to take the cruise this summer. I am already working some OT to get the tickets. Can't be shelling out 100's of dollars more for her on top of all that. She said she'd try to help as much as she can and that she couldn't believe DAD did not THINK first. Of course we had a little laugh about how she was married to him before and she should have known that.
Of course she also brought up the fact that sdaughter should have asked everyone involved b/c it will not just be mom and dad doing transportation. If dad or mom has to work late, guess what, me and sdad have to be johnny on the spot.

Since I work nights, he also realized just how often he would NOT see me before I go to work. Which doesn't bother me all that much. We have weekends together and when we first got together we made an oath to each other that kids come first, when they are grown and gone, we will have our time. HE** We have spent anniversaries, B-days at ball parks, school plays etc. But that's just being a parent.

BUT he did grow some kahoonas (sp). Younger sdaughter still calling all the time. She called his cell. He said I am at home and eating. I will call you back later when you get home. (she was calling from a friends house next door to mom's). NOT 1 min later, our house phone rings. He said, "did I not just tell you I was at home and EATING, I will call you back later. I love talking to you, but you just saw me when I picked you up off the bus and took you with me to get (name) older sdaughter."

I think maybe he is finally realizing he is going to create two big monsters with his yes Daddy will do it, Daddy doesn't mind...etc.

Gotta love him, but have to ask... WHY DO YOU NOT USE YOUR BRAIN SOME BEFORE AGREEING TO ANYTHING THEY ASK YOU???

urgghhhh

 

[LdiJ]

Its good that he is coming to that realization...LOL.

 

[wileybunch]

My husband does that, too, though he's learning. There are several reasons -- he wants everyone to be happy, he wants his kids especially to be happy, he doesn't like conflict, he doesn't know the big picture with the over all "social" schedule of the family (or doesn't take it into account), and he's not a multitasker/project planner type person in the first place. He also puts himself last much of the time, busy pleasing others and forgets to keep good boundaries so that he can make sure he's doing well for himself, too, and his obligations. And, maybe this is controversial, but I do not think a married couple should vow the kids come first. The parents always have to be the strongest foundation for a family. Kids do not come first always, IMO, but if the parents have good strong family values in the first place, that shouldn't be a problem (vs. selfish parents that would use that as an excuse to not sacrifice for their kids' sake).

 

[mommyof4]

And, maybe this is controversial, but I do not think a married couple should vow the kids come first. The parents always have to be the strongest foundation for a family. Kids do not come first always, IMO, but if the parents have good strong family values in the first place, that shouldn't be a problem (vs. selfish parents that would use that as an excuse to not sacrifice for their kids' sake).

THANK YOU!!!

I said that my marriage comes first and THEN the kids (obviously, if there is a serious problem with one of my children, that takes precedence, but I digress...). When I said that, I got slapped around a bit.

My thought is that my children depend on myself and my husband to create and keep a happy, healthy home for them. We can't do that if we focus on the kids and put ourselves and our relationship last. I am much more than just my children's servant and they have to learn that while they maybe extra special to me, they are NOT the center of this world. That lesson begins at home.

 

[TheGeekess]

You know Mommy, if more parents believed the way you do, we'd be a lot better off as a society. Making the kids the 'center of the universe' does no-one any favours.

 

[majomom1]

My husband does that, too, though he's learning. There are several reasons -- he wants everyone to be happy, he wants his kids especially to be happy, he doesn't like conflict, he doesn't know the big picture with the over all "social" schedule of the family (or doesn't take it into account), and he's not a multitasker/project planner type person in the first place. He also puts himself last much of the time, busy pleasing others and forgets to keep good boundaries so that he can make sure he's doing well for himself, too, and his obligations. And, maybe this is controversial, but I do not think a married couple should vow the kids come first. The parents always have to be the strongest foundation for a family. Kids do not come first always, IMO, but if the parents have good strong family values in the first place, that shouldn't be a problem (vs. selfish parents that would use that as an excuse to not sacrifice for their kids' sake).

I agree with this. You still have to take care of that relationship, or the foundation can fall.

I would also like to point out the other side to this. My ex is famous for offering to pay all and do all the running, then something happens and I end up having to do it.

This creates a hardship for me and my ex uses it to claim me as the bad guy, saying I could help some... He doesn't say this to me directly, he says it to the kids and they complain to me.

I am glad this OP has a working relationship with mom, but others please beware -- this sets up a situation where the kids do think Dad can do it all, and it sometimes put Mom in a bad spot too, even though she is not able to do this and Dad knew it up front.

 

[tuffbrk]

I would also like to point out the other side to this. My ex is famous for offering to pay all and do all the running, then something happens and I end up having to do it.

This is so true. Please keep it in mind. Also - if the children are older - it never hurts to let them know how thrilled you are that Co-parent can do so much for them related to X activity. Then mention that they need to work out a plan that does not include you except in extreme circumstances to address those occasions when there is a conflict for co-parent to honor their commitment to the child and X activity...

 

[wileybunch]

THANK YOU!!!

I said that my marriage comes first and THEN the kids (obviously, if there is a serious problem with one of my children, that takes precedence, but I digress...). When I said that, I got slapped around a bit.

It SOUNDS terribly selfish and I can see how it can be twisted back against you, but it's true that your marriage comes first. If you don't have that with your spouse, everything will be out of whack.

I see it w/ my husband's kids since his ex treats them like primadonnas in relation to him (he is beneath them) and you can't say boo to those kids or they will clam up and put you on ignore. As a result, they get all the good things from having an involved loving dad, but they also have a distorted view of the pecking order and wisdom that should be allowed to come from "elders", if you will. They are good kids, but can be ultra bratty w/some serious flaws discerning right/wrong (and I'm talking about the adult kids of his, too -- they haven't really outgrown it). I swear my husband spent more time asking "What's wrong, honey?" and trying to understand her feelings when his 12yo was playing him last week than he has with me in a year put together! He since learned perspective (from the family counselor and I), thank goodness. I also threw in the "you can't serve 2 masters" thing.

 

[hearts41]

THANK YOU!!!

I said that my marriage comes first and THEN the kids (obviously, if there is a serious problem with one of my children, that takes precedence, but I digress...). When I said that, I got slapped around a bit.

My thought is that my children depend on myself and my husband to create and keep a happy, healthy home for them. We can't do that if we focus on the kids and put ourselves and our relationship last. I am much more than just my children's servant and they have to learn that while they maybe extra special to me, they are NOT the center of this world. That lesson begins at home.

I totally agree with you. If kids live in a "gimme gimme" world they will probably not grow up to be very responsible or compassionate. If the martial relationship is healthy the kids benefit in a huge way.

 

[ezmarelda]

Even if you have to be "The Meanest Mom on The Planet" putting your foot down when they are young means they will know and respect that you will follow through later in life.

http://www.news10.net/display_story.aspx?storyid=37137

 

[momandsmom003]

Thank you all.

Yes, the kids are important. But DO not run the house (here or at mom's). And yes he does try to please everyone way too much. He did talk to mom and daughter today and she has a friend of the family that is going to help out when her and sdad are at work. So it will all work out in the long run.

I am only obilgated to work 3 nights per week so usually I am home more often than not and we spend time together then. But I will still stand by the fact that if one of his children needs him, I for one, am NOT going to stand in the way. I don't know if I could live being the "woman that took my daddy from me" NOPE couldn't, wouldn't do that.