Dad wants visitation with Daughter after 10 yrs

[Ambr]

If your father was only around when he choose to be, missed important events in your life...but was there to steal money from your bank account, get kicked out of the military for drug use, fired from jobs because he stole money, drank alot - if you have seen him throw your Mom down steps. Then years pass and he doesn't come around then all of a sudden....you are told you must go sleep at his apartment....in his bed he shares with his girlfriend you don'y know....how would that make you feel?? Just wondering?

I am going to ask the qestion everybody else is going to hit you with....

HOW does a 10 year old child, who has NEVER been around dad know that:
(a) dad stole money from her bank account
(b) dad got kicked out of military for drug use
(c) dad got fired from jobs because he steals money
(d) dad drinks too much
UNLESS she overhears mom talking with other family members or Lord forbid mom having those conversations with child.

Just asking because all of the above (if it is happening accidentally or on purpose and continues) along with interference of visitation (because daughter doesn't want to go) is all grounds that dad could go after you with in court for a modification of custody.

As for daughter sleeping in the bed where dad sleeps with g/f.
(a) is she sleeping there alone?
(b) are the sheets clean?

 

[stealth2]

I am going to ask the qestion everybody else is going to hit you with....

I was working my way up to that.

 

[momupset]

Love to clarify

Depends what shoes you mean. Care to clarify?

Lets see..........
1) Having a child at 16 (I am speaking of my daughter not her father)
2) Working & going to school to support you child - no help from her Dad
3) Father surprising me at 8 months into pregnancy that he decided to join Marines (to make a better life for us hahaha!) 2 yrs later kicked out...they didn't even want him!
4) Believing his lies!!
5) Sending myself through college while keeping a job and thank God for my family helping!
6) Not being able to find dear old daddy...oh wait there is his car..at a strip joint
7) Being phisically abused by daughters Father
8) paying for a divorce on top of school, working, taking care of daughter all at the age of 23
9) Coming home to girls in my bed
10) daughter telling me Dady smoked something that smelled like a skunk when I was not home
11) Daughter father now begging me to let him stay where I lived because no one (including his parents would take him in)
12) helping him out co signing loan for a car for him (because his famous line ...if I can't get to work you won't get any child support) - should have let him rot in jail
12) Graduating college with a masters degree
13) Continue to let Daughters father see her when he wants ...even when he had warrants for his arrest for not paying support.
14)Giving my daughter all I can! Even her dad after all the stunts he has pulled!

See i have made some bad choices in my life. To me it is not my daughters fault and she should not suffer from them. The least we could do as parents is listen to how she feels. if she is willing to go on Sat & Sun w/ her dad and wants to come to her home to sleep...why force her? WHY? Lets not forget in all 10 yrs of her life there were many times I have asked him to please take her for me..if I had something I had to do...see then he didn't want to ...he had parties to go to and bars....I do not let my daughter know how i feel - but I do let her know that I understand how she feels. That is being a parent....sacrifice, time, and unconditional love.

 

[FLFamof5]

And this would change how?

My daughter is a straight A (in all advanced courses), involved in Basketball, church chorus, alter server, speaks Italian. My concern is not to with hold my daughter from her Father .... which I would have done a long time ago...it is to make sure she is comfortable with how it is handled. Children (especially thru the pre teen yrs) are very sensitive - I would hate for everything my daughter has accomplished so far in her short life and every goal she is striving for to be ruined because she is spending her time crying about her dad forcing her to sleep over his girlfriends apartment. QUOTE]

I'm sorry... I am new to this forum but who are you trying to convince this would hurt (you or your daughter). You have quoted that your daughter is all of the above and all of her accomplishments which is great but would she really be affected by EOW visits with Dad & GF.

I have the same problem with our 11yo who manipulates and bounces back and forth and unfortunately her Father allows her to win and I have less time with her. It does hurt the other parent as well and even though Dad has not been in her life consistantly, at least give him the benefit of the doubt that he is trying to be there now.

 

[momupset]

she can see for herself at this age

I am going to ask the qestion everybody else is going to hit you with....

HOW does a 10 year old child, who has NEVER been around dad know that:
(a) dad stole money from her bank account This was out of her piggy bank when she was 8...he explained he needed it for smokes and Captain (that would be rum)............(b) dad got kicked out of military for drug use- She does not know this!!!
(c) dad got fired from jobs because he steals money My daughter is well aware how many jobs Daddy has had......she does not know details ...why would she?
(d) dad drinks too much - My daughter knows the actual brand of Rum he drinks ...she is not blind!!! She knows he puts it in the freezer to!
UNLESS she overhears mom talking with other family members or Lord forbid mom having those conversations with child. My daughter is the first one telling family members how SHE feels....my family (BIG HUGE ITALIAN) family is so involved with my daughter and its great....all her Aunts, uncles, grandmom, and cousins come to every game, play..she is in. Who do you think has helped me when i worked, how do you think I got my Masters....My family is nothing but help...and everyone is upset with the stunt her dad is pulling...but no one would say boo in front of my daughter!! Also my cousin is my Attorney....believe me that my family is very well informed of the law and how is works.

Just asking because all of the above (if it is happening accidentally or on purpose and continues) along with interference of visitation (because daughter doesn't want to go) is all grounds that dad could go after you with in court for a modification of custody. Dad does not want to stand in front of a judge....think about his backround.

As for daughter sleeping in the bed where dad sleeps with g/f.
(a) is she sleeping there alone? She hasn't gone there yet..this was just put in affect Monday
(b) are the sheets clean?

I don't know - I just hope they have food for her. She said she is bringing sheets from home!

You are not hearing what I am saying ...I was married to this man - after I had my daughter(i have known him since I was 14)...I have never withheld my daughter from seeing her dad ...EVER! Even when he had warrants for his arrest for not paying his support! I do not let my daughter suffer. I have co-signed loans for this guy - because you know his famous line is how can I get to work with no car - then you don't get support. He would walk in everyone of my family members homes when he wanted to pick her up...there was no problem. All problems started when he met his g/f. What he never did was wanted her for nights ever!! He was busy going to the bar..so my daughter would always be home no later then 8pm. Whats kinda funny is his own parents have said stuff to my daughter like thank god you have your Mom and her family!!

 

[stealth2]

Yep, been in some of those shoes - not all of them, but a fair number.

That is being a parent....sacrifice, time, and unconditional love.

Sure it is. As is making kids do things they don't always want or like. Helping them grow in ways that may push them out of their comfort zone a bit. Teaching them to be self-sufficient and independent. Helping them find the positive in situations they view negatively. Making them understand that, while you'll be there to catch them and smooth the ruffled feathers, you also have to push them out of the nest so they can learn to fly.

 

[Ambr]

I am glad that you have such a large, supportive family for your daughter. Sounds like she is really loved.

I asked about the sleeping arrangements because if the g/f was sharing the bed with her or if the sheets were "used" (eeewww.....bad image) then there could be arguements. But it sounds like he is just supplying her with a place to stay, she didn't like the couch, so he offered his bed.

You might try pushing for a "no overnights clause" to be added to the order about no over night guests in the home when the child is there. Of course, this really doesn't sound like it would address the issue that you have. Because if g/f stayed over at her parents or something while your daughter was there -- your daughter sounds like she would still have the same problems. PLUS, it could force dad to just run out and get hitched to put an end to g/f sleeping out of the house.

 

[momupset]

Yep, been in some of those shoes - not all of them, but a fair number.



Sure it is. As is making kids do things they don't always want or like. Helping them grow in ways that may push them out of their comfort zone a bit. Teaching them to be self-sufficient and independent. Helping them find the positive in situations they view negatively. Making them understand that, while you'll be there to catch them and smooth the ruffled feathers, you also have to push them out of the nest so they can learn to fly.

We are speaking about a 10 yr old- pushing her out to fly is a little early...don't ya think? My daughter is so self sufficeint it would scare you. She can thank her Dad for that one...she always had to know directions when with him, times...she was the adult and he let her and encouraged it. You can not act like a play buddy to your child for 10 yrs and then expect to be a parent. My daughter has said on many occasions that her step Dad is more like a dad...tells her to get in the shower, do hw, don't talk back. She explained her dad to be her buddy. They call eachother dude..she would tell him to buckle up in the car, tell him not to yell at me. You see maybe I didn't include that part he is very imature to the point of yelling at me for tekking her not to do something. Okay for example...she wanted to go with him one day, I agreed but I told her she was to bring down the glasses that where in her room before she left. He came over she ran down the steps I saw the glasses still on her dresser I said you aren't going anywhere till you bring them to the sink...he said oh don't worry about her she always yells about dunb stuff.....my daughter looked at him and said no dad Mommy said that I could go if I brought them down..... Thats how he was with her. That is what she was used to. Up until about 2 months ago his girlfriend will tell him...don't talk to her like she is your friend...while my daughter is right there...the girlfriend has also said to my daughter I know you are afraid of your Mom...my daughter thinks shes nuts.

 

[momupset]

I am glad that you have such a large, supportive family for your daughter. Sounds like she is really loved.

I asked about the sleeping arrangements because if the g/f was sharing the bed with her or if the sheets were "used" (eeewww.....bad image) then there could be arguements. But it sounds like he is just supplying her with a place to stay, she didn't like the couch, so he offered his bed.

You might try pushing for a "no overnights clause" to be added to the order about no over night guests in the home when the child is there. Of course, this really doesn't sound like it would address the issue that you have. Because if g/f stayed over at her parents or something while your daughter was there -- your daughter sounds like she would still have the same problems. PLUS, it could force dad to just run out and get hitched to put an end to g/f sleeping out of the house.

I thought of that but the way my daughter talks it sounds like this is her apartment he is at....like its in her name!?? KNow that I am thinking of it...is that right? If its in the girlfriends name? I know the sheet thing skeeved my daughter out too....plus she is scared she is getting her period soon....she wants to be home for that.......I can't believe thats already happening!!!! Thanks for your advise - its appreciated!

 

[casa]

We are speaking about a 10 yr old- pushing her out to fly is a little early...don't ya think? My daughter is so self sufficeint it would scare you. She can thank her Dad for that one...she always had to know directions when with him, times...she was the adult and he let her and encouraged it. You can not act like a play buddy to your child for 10 yrs and then expect to be a parent. My daughter has said on many occasions that her step Dad is more like a dad...tells her to get in the shower, do hw, don't talk back. She explained her dad to be her buddy. They call eachother dude..she would tell him to buckle up in the car, tell him not to yell at me. You see maybe I didn't include that part he is very imature to the point of yelling at me for tekking her not to do something. Okay for example...she wanted to go with him one day, I agreed but I told her she was to bring down the glasses that where in her room before she left. He came over she ran down the steps I saw the glasses still on her dresser I said you aren't going anywhere till you bring them to the sink...he said oh don't worry about her she always yells about dunb stuff.....my daughter looked at him and said no dad Mommy said that I could go if I brought them down..... Thats how he was with her. That is what she was used to. Up until about 2 months ago his girlfriend will tell him...don't talk to her like she is your friend...while my daughter is right there...the girlfriend has also said to my daughter I know you are afraid of your Mom...my daughter thinks shes nuts.

Ok....prepare yourself: I've been there- done that. Missing father (military even ) shows back up because new, slightly nutty girlfriend, wants to play Mommy. I swallowed my pride, ignored the g/f, got my child into counseling ASAP. Then cycled Dad into the visits (therapist helped put g/f in her place without me being the bad guy) They worked up visitation times and now everyone is adjusted and fine. G/f eventually became Step-Mom & got to learn that I was a decent person (remember she only knew what X had told her- and me not feeding into it by being a b*tch helped a lot ) Dad learned about his child and started following the counselor's advice....Voi La Problem solved.

I didn't, however, 'discuss' therapy with my child and give her an option- It was "We are going and that is that". She is the child, not the adult.

 

[momupset]

Ok....prepare yourself: I've been there- done that. Missing father (military even ) shows back up because new, slightly nutty girlfriend, wants to play Mommy. I swallowed my pride, ignored the g/f, got my child into counseling ASAP. Then cycled Dad into the visits (therapist helped put g/f in her place without me being the bad guy) They worked up visitation times and now everyone is adjusted and fine. G/f eventually became Step-Mom & got to learn that I was a decent person (remember she only knew what X had told her- and me not feeding into it by being a b*tch helped a lot ) Dad learned about his child and started following the counselor's advice....Voi La Problem solved.

I didn't, however, 'discuss' therapy with my child and give her an option- It was "We are going and that is that". She is the child, not the adult.

That all sounds great - but was g/f calling you telling you what you should be doing with your child. This girl is only 12 yrs my daughters senior. She told me that things are going to change ....my ex- laughed about it when I called him disgust. Three days later is when I got the first letter from there attorney. I say there because I know who is behind it. Her last words where things are going to change with me around....oh and they did! I was not giving my daughter a choice w/ counseling....but she has spoke to me, her step dad, grandmother, cousins, even teacher ...it is clear to us all she just doesn't want to be forced to sleep there.

 

[stealth2]

No, I don't think 10 is too young to start teaching them to fly. I want my kids to be able to take care of themselves regardless of the circumstances they find themselves in. They don't do it all the time, but at 10 & 13, both of mine are able to do laundry, prepare and serve a meal for 5 (and even clean up), pack themselves for a weekend away for various weather and activities, are responsible for care & feeding of numerous pets, etc. They recently organized a group of friends to go to a neighbor's to clean and do laundry for them when the father ended up in the hospital with heart failure.

Yeah, my kids fly. It scares me half to death sometimes, but they fly. LOL And half the time it's to spite their Dad who told me that I shelter them too much.

 

[casa]

That all sounds great - but was g/f calling you telling you what you should be doing with your child. This girl is only 12 yrs my daughters senior. She told me that things are going to change ....my ex- laughed about it when I called him disgust. Three days later is when I got the first letter from there attorney. I say there because I know who is behind it. Her last words where things are going to change with me around....oh and they did! I was not giving my daughter a choice w/ counseling....but she has spoke to me, her step dad, grandmother, cousins, even teacher ...it is clear to us all she just doesn't want to be forced to sleep there.

Oh yeah- all that happened & more. G/F was years my senior, cut my daughter's hair...told me what to do about her dental appointments- Filed affidavits in our court case about what a terrible mother I'd been (even though Dad wasn't anywhere near our child or even our state for years, let alone dating her- so how would she know? ) I could go on and on. And my daughter was only 6 years old at the time. Like I said: Been There Done That...You don't own the market on MIA Dads reappearing with new g/f and wanting to suddenly play Daddy. Something you MUST consider is that when your child is an adult- She should be able to look back and KNOW that you never hindered her relationship with her Dad and in fact, did nothing but support it. You can't say this won't have a positive outcome- because you aren't looking into solutions since you are too busy fighting and wanting to be 'Right'.

You say it's clear to you, step-dad, gma, cousins, teacher- BUT if it's not clear to the COURT, it doesn't matter. You need a professional (counselor for one) to find out what is going on and then not only does your daughter get support in how to deal with the situation- you get a professional's opinion if/when it goes to court. Think about it.

 

[stealth2]

That all sounds great - but was g/f calling you telling you what you should be doing with your child.

LOL Sure. Numerous g/f's and his new wife have told me how screwed up our kids are. Uuuuh, yeah. In their dreams.

 

[casa]

LOL Sure. Numerous g/f's and his new wife have told me how screwed up our kids are. Uuuuh, yeah. In their dreams.

Maybe it's time to refer back to "All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned In Kindergarten".....

Sticks and Stones can break my bones~ But names will never hurt me!