Daddy Is FINALLY filing 4 CUSTODY!!!

[amarie]

bbh said
Girl I am holding back tears at the thought of all being a father will be for the next 21+ years is WATCHING MY BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it sucks but I hope that you can atleast come to some agreement with her, this way you guys can maintain atleast a business like relationship towards parenting this child that derserves the love of both her parents.

bbh said
u don’t know this but on 2 occasions she tucked our daughter under her arm like a purse and proceeded to hit me in the face repeatedly.

This is the most imprtant info that you could possible have... Why are you just bringing this forward. Good moms don't abuse there child's other parent or anyone else for.

This is a baby, not a car you should walk in haggling over. She deserves both parents for an equal amount of time. Not the one with the best haggling skills...

Yes but what I suggested was to not just drop her in this week on week off situation when the NCP has not had her for more than 2 hours and then giving her to a babysitter instead of the people she trusts to take care of her but doing a stepped up parenting plan.


And again I am really sorry for bbh's daughter because she is now in the middle of a war.
bbh question: Have you ever tried to work something out with her(the mother) that is stepped up, tried to talk to her. Because something that you both write up is just as good if filed in a court... I am not sure if you mentioned this already...Of course as of now anything you try to write up will be considered as you tricking to try to take custody. I am forced to be pessimistic..It is what I've seen.

amarie

 

[stealth2]

I realize my situation is different, but to this day, ever since that time, I don't fully trust my ex.. no, I do not interfere with visitation, when he calls the children go to his house. But while they are there, I inevitably start wondering if he is going to bring them back. I do think that is a natural feeling, any parent would have, not just a mother, but any parent would have when faced with the possibility of the NCP(or other parent, if there is no custody order) not bringing the child back.

I've felt the same thing, TNBS. Even though I know rationally that he has too much too lose to pull a stunt like that, there's a part of me that also knows that his feeling about me could, given the right circumstances, short-circuit the logical restraint.

In many ways, the reactions of both OP AND the mother are completely understandable. Hopefully it can be resolved in a way that only benefits the child.

 

[WyattJ]

I never did understand why he is going for full custody? Why not settle for visits?

The guy that I met on line when I went to file for custody suggested that I do. Like ms itsallgood posted all I will probably get is joint custody because our daughter is so “young” but if that is the case so be it.

I can prove that I gave our daughter’s mother’s mother $150 a week for staying home and taking care of our daughter while my x “recovered” we had agreed to pay her mother $150 each to stay home and take care of our daughter when my x started going back to work. To this day I don’t think she ever paid her mom!!! AND I give her $200 every 2 weeks to buy what ever it is that she needs for the day to day care of our daughter.

Even when she told me today that I could not spend the day with her I asked her if she wanted the money she told me “we will take care of that when we go to court”!!!!

Sometimes I think u women feel u have BALLS!!!

“As fare as settling for visitation”

hahhahaha NO COMMENT!!!! hahahhah

I'm sorry...I was just wondering when I asked that because I didn't know where you had mentioned why you were going for sole custody.

 

[nextwife]

LONG RANT, sorry.

The problem with all the old ways about custody and vistiation is that there is a built-in bias that interfgeres with the child's bonding cycle. (Because of the influx of post-institutionalized children into adoptive families, a great deal of well respected current research, about bonding and attachment is now available that court systems seem to be oblivious to). If the couple had been together when the child was born, BOTH parents would be able to assume all aspects of child care drom the beginning. Except breast-feeding, of course, but I know a number men who have fed their kids pumped breastmilk when mommy was at work or gone. Anyway, that means that the NORMAL family situation would have baby waking up to see Daddy's face nearly as often as mommies (at least among the nurturing couples I know who share childcare responsibilities, whether divorced or in intact families. Baby SHOULD be able to have the opportunity to develop a normal bonding cycle with Daddy as well as mommy.

Problem is twofold. If born outside the marriage Daddy isn't legally Daddy until paternity is established and our legal system has a dis-incentive to provide Daddy access until legal custody process is completed. So mommy maintains full custody in most cases until all the legal issues are dealt with. THen the courts say "Oh, well the child is used to being with Mommy (and all that tender years doctrine which is NOT backed up by any of the known research on bonding and is only a biased presumption that interferes with a child's normal process of bonding with Dadd)y.

I won't get into the scenarios in which woman have chosen to allow a pregnancy with some guy they claim is a scumbag (or a virtual stranger) and use this rational as a reason to deny access. In my mind, if he is either a stranger or a scumbag, WHY sleep with him in the first place, much less sleep UNPROTECTED.

Anyway, presuming this is a somewhat normal, but now broken, relationship, Daddy is still Daddy from birth and should have the same rights of access to HIS child that mommy does. Daddys are very important to kids. Just because mommy and daddy cannot be together does not mean mommy should rob baby of daddy.

And this silly presumption that somehow a first-time parent who happens to also have a uterus and breasts is automatically a superior parent to the other first time parent who happens to have genetalia instead is not warranted. I know many first time fathers who were fantastic parents. Every male in my large extended family is good with babies and very nurturing. Why should they automatically be disallowed their parenting time in equal proportion if they are equally responsible for that child's existance?

So anyway, by the time paternity is established and mommy and daddy get to court to deal with custody and visitation, the courts say: "Baby has been with mom", and then use THAT as their rational to limit daddy time!

Please understand that I am part of a large community of parents who totally missed out on being able to parent their child from birth. And having missed that time, and never being able to know what her babyhood was like, never being able to know what she looked like when born. or at six months or one year old, when she took her first steps, cut her first tooth, etc., will ALWAYS hurt. So perhaps I have greater sympathy for those who are denyed their parenting time when baby and dad COULD have had this baby time together. Also, because of the fact that in my "other parenting community" most if us first began parenting our children at anywhere from several months to several years old, I reject the idea that a child cannot handle a transition into a different household perfectly well at older ages. Status quo ALONE is not always a good reason to deny the OP custody. Personally, I do not believe staying with mom through a a variety of live-in boyfriends is any more stable than eventually living with Dad in a stable household, if that is the case. And I have seen many postings in which Daddy can offer a safe, secure environment, and mom chooses (I'd say "Gypsy", but because I have a Roma child I do not wish to perpetrate a negative stereotype) less stable lifestyle with a variety of instable relationships and she retains custody, despite the fact that the child may be poorly served in such a scenario, because of status quo and the silly preesumption that a poor continuous environment is preferable to a superior, changed environment.

 

[bhhunter13]

I know it is looooong but PLEASE find the time to read my entire post.


First of all I will say I am extremely happy with the way in which we are now “expressing” ourselves. A majority of the comments have given me pause as well as how to express my needs and wants when the 23rd comes around. So for the record I am getting what it is I was looking for in setting up this post.

Now let me start to comment on some of the things that were said.


To itsallgood:
---Nothing you said personally bothered me except your very off colored comment on the conception of my child.
Like fighting 'below the belt' do ya?---

I will not apologize for saying that. I did mean what I said but I did not mean to be malicious. Unfortunately I am not tactful when it comes to expressing myself on certain opinions. All I was trying to say is that if you could sleep with this guy for what ever reason you can also work together in giving him the opportunity to spend time and to have “custody” of that child despite the fact that u guys are no longer together.

Better yet “nextwife” said it best when she said
---I won't get into the scenarios in which woman have chosen to allow a pregnancy with some guy they claim is a scumbag (or a virtual stranger) and use this rational as a reason to deny access. In my mind, if he is either a stranger or a scumbag, WHY sleep with him in the first place, much less sleep UNPROTECTED.---
that is all I was trying to say thanks “nextwife”

Comment from Melanie_Jenkins
---If a child at a young age can fair well for an overnight at grandma's house, they can certainly do just as well at daddy's house. Overnights with dads should start a -lot- earlier than courts or the CP's say they should.---
That is all I am saying people.

Question for tigger22472
---One day while on here I pulled out the decree to look at it and realized I had sole custody of my children.--- What would you have done if you realized HE had soul custody. Would you ask for a change and make it joint, would you mention it to him, would you just let sleeping dogs lay in hopes you guys get into an argument and he pulls it out just to find out if he is with in his right to do something.

---In my case, that is a good thing though.---
So you see tigger you have no problem with you having sole custody but you feel I should not go after sole custody but rather “joint” do u see the double stander and the hypocrisy in your comments

---No, it's not a daily basis but in the real world with unmarried people that is impossible.---
I do not believe it is impossible. And in filing for sole custody even though I might get joint I will demonstrate that it can work out fine. As long as we both work together to make the unfortunate circumstance of our splitting up transparent to our daughter

---YES one parent has to be proven to be unfit---
I think that is what is being feed to ALL fathers that if they cannot prove that the mother is unfit you will not get sole custody. And when we as men look at it it is hardly ever a case where in which the mother is on drugs, or being self destructive. So since dads cannot prove that they back off and the mothers “win”

But what happens if I can prove that she does not foster a healthy father and daughter relationship. What if I can prove that she denies me the right to go to the doctor when our child became sick. (only to find out after I went any way and spoke to the doctor it could have been something she was doing. Meaning on day after a doctor’s visit she fed our daughter French fries and chicken strips after putting it in her mouth I watch in horror as she was doing that but I said nothing only because I did not want to make it an issue like so many other things)
What if I can prove that she dictates when and for how long I can see our child, what if I can prove that her decision making it not based on anything tangible but rather on which side of the bed she woke up on!

So you see her being in perfect health means nothing. Especially when she acts the way in which she does.

At one point –itsallgood— said that many of the posters are just encouraging me to file for sole custody and are not looking out for the best interest of the child and that all I want to do is uproot our child from her familiar environment.

What you don’t know is that I am also fighting within myself as to what I am doing is right or wrong or should I go about it in a different way.

But to be honest with you no mother would just simply give up their child. They would fight to the last breath for that child. All I am saying is that if a mother can have those feelings, needs and parental emotions “so can a father”. Period!


To TNBSMommy & everyone else.
---I am just curious why you wouldn't mention these things that could possibly help your case until it looks like a bunch of people aren't agreeing with your filing for sole custody.---

actually I did mention it but I did not get specific. like I said before I have never gone through a custody hearing but I here a lot of the stories and the parents get into a lot of personal attracts to the point were it is no longer is about the child and providing a healthy environment under which he or she can grow up but rather a fight and the desire to win by any means necessary.

And I had made a promise to my self and our daughter that I would not drag her mother’s name and character in the mood just to get custody.

I want it to be based on which parent has a better plan on how to make this unfortunate circumstance work for the best interest of our daughter. And for that reason I am applying for sole custody. Because I feel I have a better custody agreement written up on how we can make this work for our daughter.

If you are interested in reading it I don’t mind posting it.

hahaha I have a running joke with people I say that god forbid the day I get married my prenuptial would be 1 page long “what you came with you take, what assists we have attained from being together we split what we can’t decide on we donate” but when comes to what we do with our kids will be 26+ pages long!! (the actual amount of pages in my agreement)

---- i had to cut it off cause i went over the limit---

 

[bhhunter13]

--- the rest---


--The mother is already terrified that he will take their child from her—
to be honest with you I think that is one of the reasons she might have done it. but I honestly gave her no reason to. Matter of fact when she answered the door and did not have the car seat I was a little thrown off. And I ask her what’s up she said “well since you decide to take this to court we will settle it in court” I was so shocked that I actually got very angry. Because my sister and the guy said this would happen and I kept telling them “no she is not like that”. I had prepared myself all week for the possibility but to actually have it being done man there is not enough preparation in the world you can do when it comes to being denied something you look forward to once a week for a few hours only to get it taken away from you for no apparent reason. I actually called her back and said “I did not realize that filing for custody of our daughter had anything to do with me picking her up on Sundays for a few hours but since that is the case I will see you in court the 23rd please do not be late” and hung u the phone.

OH!! This crossed my mind give me your opinions on this.

She claims that I cannot pick up our daughter without her being there because she does not want her parents getting in the middle of our drama. BUT I can drop our child off with out her being home. I just so happened that night she was going out to a concert with one of the 5 guys she is messing with and would be home late.

People trust me filing for sole custody is not as bad as it seems I feel it is just the right thing to do. And in doing it I will make ever effort to foster a healthy relations ship for all 3 of us and our families under the circumstance. And even if that does not work out “she can always have VISITATION!!!


To ms nextwife

---If the couple had been together when the child was born, BOTH parents would be able to assume all aspects of child care drom the beginning---
I was there for the birth of our daughter so was her mother, and her 13 year old sister! So you see from the beginning it was not going to be an intimate thing for the to of us a lot to share. But I must say even whith all the anger watching our daughter being born I said to my self she came out of “heaven”. I felt that with every bone in my body and to this day that is the way I express the birth of our daughter “she came out of heaven”

---parents would be able to assume all aspects of child care from the beginning. Except breast-feeding, of course,---
she could not breast feed. She took a lot of medication for stress and is still on medication from stress which could not allow how to breast feed. So as it stands she has no more capabilities to nurture than I do.

--- If born outside the marriage Daddy isn't legally Daddy until paternity is established and our legal system has a dis-incentive to provide Daddy access until legal custody process is completed.---
coming to that realization is what prompted me to right my original post. And is what I am in the process of doing now. I came up with the following “guide” after going through the emotional pain and started to read more on the subject and finding out how I can make myself “count” in the grand scheme of things.

OH you wanna also hear the hypocrisy of that statement as well we are not the dads until we go through this legally but if she goes to court and file for child support we are automatically accused of being the dads. And get this which is a FACT even if the father has been paying child support and is later found NOT to be the child’s father he STILL has to continue to pay child support.

And it is decisions like that over decades that make women feel that they can do what ever they which when it comes to the well fare of their children. It just simply has to stop. Period.

---
THE 4 PHASES OF A FATHER’S PIECE OF MIND
I. ESTABLISH PATERNITY (COMPLETED)
II. FILE FOR JOINT LEGAL & PHYSICAL CUSTODY (I am filing for sole custody)
III. FILE FOR PARENTING TIME (not visitation which is what I wrote before)
IV. COME UP WITH A CHILD SUPPORT AGREEMENT (COMPLETED.. but not legally I just have it written down)
---

well let me close on that not I am actually afraid to refresh my browser for fear that 3 to 5 more comments will appear that I have to respond to. But I know I said this before but thanks everyone for your input.

Especially you “itsallgood”
BHHunter

 

[itsallgood]

but I honestly gave her no reason to. Matter of fact when she answered the door and did not have the car seat I was a little thrown off. And I ask her what’s up she said “well since you decide to take this to court we will settle it in court” I was so shocked that I actually got very angry. Because my sister and the guy said this would happen and I kept telling them “no she is not like that”. I had prepared myself all week for the possibility but to actually have it being done man there is not enough preparation in the world you can do when it comes to being denied something you look forward to once a week for a few hours only to get it taken away from you for no apparent reason. I actually called her back and said “I did not realize that filing for custody of our daughter had anything to do with me picking her up on Sundays for a few hours but since that is the case I will see you in court the 23rd please do not be late” and hung u the phone.

I don't blame mom a bit.

How could you NOT know what was up? How can you fault her for saying: "we settle it in court"; when you gave her NO OTHER OPTION but to have it settled in court. You served her papers to settle it in court; she is calling you on it. Good for her. WHY did you get angry. You are the one that served SOLE; not JOINT custody papers on her. Again; you filing for SOLE custody had EVERY reason for her to deny visititation when there is no custody order OR VISITATION order in place. She now; nor ever has been under any legal obligation to let the child go with you. SHe HAS been doing it; up until you served sole custody papers on her. Then since YOU decided to play dirty; well; she is proctecting her own intrests. Again; not to give you any ideas; but if you pick up that child between now and the 23rd; you DO NOT HAVE TO RETURN HER. She most likely knows that. You say; well; I would NEVER do that"; she probably thought you would never try to take the baby from her either.

 

[tigger22472]

I'm going to start replying to this as I am still reading your post OP so I don't miss points.

Let me stress to you before you jump down MY A** I'm the one on here defending you. AND I NEVER said don't go for sole custody. I said we always go for more then what we'll accept and if we have to settle for less.

To answer your question to me I don't know what I would do but you also have to understand that every situation is different. I have an ex who hasn't seen my children in almost 3 years and owes 21,000$ in child support. So, YES, I would go for custody if I knew he had sole .. but that's because of the father he is.

I really think that's all I'm going to comment because it seems that even the ones that have defended your position you have chose to attack.. so I'm done.

I hope you do well...

 

[aliyah's mom]

My daughter has been going to dad's since she was barely one year old. Dad had EOW from Wed night to Sunday night (4nights EOW). He also has half the summer (non-consecutive weeks). All of this I agreed to without a fight. My daughter is now three has adjusted very well. We have never had a problem with "bonding issues" on either side.

I believe that children adjust better when it is begun at an early age. I can't imagine only letting her father visit for several hours a week for years and then ripping her away for several days at a time.

Having said that, I can also see where the mother is coming from. I too was hit with papers filing for full custody by dad. I freaked until I saw a lawyer and realized that he would never get "sole" custody unless he proved me unfit. I was also worried about missing her terribly when she was gone. Now two years later and dealing with a three year old, I enjoy a break every now and then if you know what I mean!

To the OP: go after full custody. Keep in mind that you won't get it, but it never hurts to go after more than what you can live with. At least the judge knows you are interested in more than EOW with your child. Have you been to mediation? We were sent to mediation before we ever saw the judge. That is where we worked everything out on our own.

Best of luck to you!

 

[amarie]

I also call it Parenting time and not visitation. I like the way that sounds much better.

Itsallgood said it. You decided to take it to court and so she is doing nothing wrong by saying then lets settle it in court.I guess we can say something about it on a moral level keeping your kid away but she is probably afriad as anyone would be. After all you are going after Sole Custody

bbh wrote
And in filing for sole custody even though I might get joint I will demonstrate that it can work out fine. As long as we both work together to make the unfortunate circumstance of our splitting up transparent to our daughter

How is filing got sole custody going to allow this to happen??? This co-parenting relationship. If there wasn't any resentment there before or even very little there is a whole lot of resentment now! So, you have a parental agrement, do you really need one with Sole custody,? All you need is when your parenting time is and when her parenting time is. Because with Sole custody you make all the decisions without even telling her ect. You can in a allot of instances move without saying a dang thing to anyone... What could possibly be in that parenting agreement I would love to see it.

If I was her and you sued me for Sole custody I would get legal counsel and guess what they would say. Don't allow him to take her because he may not return her. I talked to my lawyer and that is what he said

amarie

 

[bhhunter13]

tigger22472 PLEASE do not feel that i am "attacking you". because i am not. as you can see by the amount of posts and views dam-n near everyone has something to say.

oh and for the record. i remember "lighting someone up" as i used to term it for saying that i had no right to do this or do that. and that she did not have the father of her child see the children and i went off!!!!
only come to find out after she told her "story" i later had to agree that she had all reason to do what she did.

and like you and many many other women after reading WHY you do the things you do i must say I HAVE AGREED!!!

you must understand where i am coming from i am speaking on behalf of the fathers that are trying to make the best out of a bad situation. one of the people who posters said a ... after trying to find the person's name i realize it was you.

remember the situation that happened to your cousin. those are the women and opinions that i fire off at.

listen and this goes for EVERYONE i do not mind you telling me i am wrong for doing what i am doing just JUSTIFY it that is all i am saying.

don't just stay things to be saying things because the information i am getting is very important to me!!!

so if you feel that i am "attacking you" i am SOOO SORRY!!! all i am asking is for your advice!! good or bad, sweet or bitter just don't say stuff to be saying stuff that is all.

once again i am sorry and the same goes for everyone else who felt they were being "attack" by my comments.

 

[tigger22472]

Aplogy accepted.

Just keep in mind that Family law is a VERY heated debate no matter what side you take.

You're not always going to get the answer that you want. I support you in filing for sole custody but YOU have to come to the realization that odds are you aren't going to get it. The absolute most you'll get is joint custody. I'd still go for it all though.

 

[bhhunter13]

itsallgood your comments on saying that "i asked for it" for filing for SOLE custody i guess you must be right. and i guess i will have to bear the responsibility of those actions.

but like i keep saying it is a case where in which women who are out for no good can have a brother commit suicide over this stuff. and even though u say that she allowed me to at least get her when she felt it was ok.

girl i can't continue right now... but know that i respect your opinion. period.

 

[TNBSMommy]

bhhunter13, I apologise if I missed where you hinted she has done some things to warrant not so great parenting... I also want to say thanks for not attacking me when I voiced my opinion. With that said: I want it to be known that I am all for both parents being involved with their children, as much as they can. I also think that whether you are the mother or the father, in the situation you put your ex in, ANY parent would react that way. I've known a guy who's ex had his baby, she dissappears for a while, shows back up one day, and decides she wants to be a mom, sees the child, then does the same thing you are doing.. out of the blue files for sole custody... of course, just like your ex, he freaks out....and tells her the same thing you were told. The way I see it, that is basic human nature...It is an awful awful feeling to watch your child leave and not know if you will see them again, and I do realize this happens all to often... and I also realize it happens mostly to men... I'm just going to say, work with her not against her, if you make her feel like you are attacking her, yes, it will turn into a battlefield. And in filing for sole custody, as opposed to joint, you did just that, you backed her into a corner, and personally, I couldn't blame her one bit for reacting the way she did. It would have been alot easier to get everything in writing and signed by a judge, so she is not controlling the whole situation, than it will be to convince a judge you deserve the child more than her, without " dragging her mother’s name and character in the mood just to get custody". Everyone has a defense mode when it comes to their children, you do, I do, everyone on this board does, and so does she, and she has just shown that side to you.

 

[bhhunter13]

aliyah's mom
---To the OP: go after full custody. Keep in mind that you won't get it, but it never hurts to go after more than what you can live with. At least the judge knows you are interested in more than EOW with your child. Have you been to mediation? We were sent to mediation before we ever saw the judge. That is where we worked everything out on our own.---

---go after full custody. Keep in mind that you won't get it,---
I never thought I would but to be honest with you I am going to give it a 100% try. Remember one of my fears is that one day she says “daddy you did not try hard enough” please DO NOT READ into that. That is just something personal that I am sharing with everyone not something for everyone to pick up and run with, with their comments.

--but it never hurts to go after more than what you can live with.
I actually wanted to wait till I get straightened out before I file for JOINT custody. But after coming out of the shower one day I just said you know what you have been weighing the pros and cons about this for MONTHS. You have put up with being treated as though u are there because u have insurance, for the doctors co-payment, and for the check I give every 2 weeks. As well as listening to her talk about how she is sleeping around about her getting extremely serious about a guy just 2 weeks she met over the internet and throwing him in my face. Saying he got a good job is a director of a computer department he got his own car, he got his own place.
Only to come and find out the guy was engaged and moved to Maryland and that his job was searching for him because he stole thousand of dollars worth of computer equipment.

So I basically said I had had enough. And when I got to the court office the guy said I should file for SOLE because it shows my intentions. Come to think of it I NEVER MENTIONED THAT!!! I am not against joint custody like I have said over and over and over I am looking for advice on how to handle the situation.

--- Have you been to mediation?---
I actually asked her she said “no problem”.
I found one and I told her it would be about $200she said that she could not afford half.
I found a FREE one I actually went and set up an appointment gotten interview and the whole nine I told her the date we would need to go she said she was not going!!!

We are not going to see a judge. Were are going to probably see a mediator first. I can’t see us gong to see a judge without trying to see if we can work things out. But then I could be wrong.