dead beat dad

[caligirl73]

Who do I think I am? I'm the voice of reason. You think it's ok to make him pay his full share of support will you only provide a partial share, if a share at all. The kids need to eat now, not once you finally graduate from college. He is not 100% responsible for the financial support of those kids, you are responsible too. You're calling him a deadbeat yet you are one also.

Exactly when do you think you'll finally start "being able to provide the kids with a better life?" Maybe then, he'll decide to do the same.

File a contempt of court action against the guy. And when he wants to impute income to you based on what you could be making if you were actually working full time, don't cry about it here.

My response to Veronica is to lighten up on this woman. How else can one become a nurse (and better your income) if you do not have a degree??? SHe is not saying that her ex is 100% responsible, but if he was ordered to pay child support, then he needs to get off his a$$ and do it.

 

[lsharra]

Ok here is my 3 cents plus personal experience. I am in Indiana , my husband has a daughter from his first marriage that we pay support on. We have been doing this for about 7 1/2 years now and I personally cannot wait until the day we no longer have to pay this.

WHY ?? Because we are scrutinized every turn of the way. The ex in this situation is the one with sole custody , gets support and so on. As she argued and fought for so she won it. She did not want my husband having any rights to his daughter , didn't and still does not want him to have any say so in her life. Has made it nearly impossible for him to bond with her and so on.

She gets x amount a month in child support , she gets the hefty checks come tax time , plus our tax return as well. She until recently refused to work. Up until her current husband was fired and is now unemployed going on over a year. So now she has to work a part time job , and is expecting us to pay for it.

She has a child from this marriage and one from her and my husband is all. And my husband and I cannot have children due to infertility issues. So it is not like my husband has moved on , had more kids and forgotten his responsibilities from his first marriage.

This is where I have to argue ANY parent who throws this up. I hear all the time that the child support goes to pay rent and utilities. How wrong is that ? I mean come on people - GROW UP !! You would have to have a place to live regardless of whether or not you had children PERIOD ? So stop whining already. So are you saying that you would not have electricity if you did not have kids ? And I suppose just because you have a child or children you had to turn the water on too ? Otherwise you wouldn't have to have it right ??

It is pathetic that grown men and women who have custody of their kids "charge" them rent !! Do you give them rent receipts too ?

Here is an old addage I have found to be more than truth. "Do not lay down and have children , UNLESS you can care for them on your own".

Ultimately you chose the deadbeat , as you laid down more than once with him. Sometimes you get what you get. And it is a sad shame that the kids have to be the ones to pay for it.

As for your ex not paying and getting to go on trips and so on. How about this one ? My husband is the "absent" , "non-custodial" and to his ex the "deadbeat" parent. He pays whether we have food on our table or not. WHY ? Because the courthouse says too. We go without medical care , food , trips and so on. So that this obligation is paid.

We do not take trips , we rent a 2 bdrm. apt. , basic cable , one vehicle , hell for that matter we never even got to take a honeymoon ! All because his ex was a righteous - well you get the point. BUT that hasn't stopped her from going on trips to amusement parks , weekends on a house boat and so on.

They have three licensed and registered vehicles , a $75,000 home (3 bdrm. 2 bath) , with satellite hookups , pool , you name it. Yet , she whines they cannot make it. Well get a better job , she is trained in the dental field and refuses to work in it. So she serves up gas at a local gas station part time. While her current husband lies about the place not earning a dime. Well other than from his side business dealing drugs....

We used to buy his daughter clothing 4-6 times a year. We have since stopped that. WHY ?? Because the ex holds rummage sales and sells them as well as on eBay. Why send her something she can profit off of when it was intended for the kid to begin with ? She claims that she doesn't need clothes and that is why she sells them . Yet , she gripes to everyone behind our backs and says that he is a deadbeat because he don't do more.

For the record we still live in the same town that his divorce was granted in , as well as the CS was ordered. She was the one that moved from here. And whines about visitations and so on.She moved and expects us to travel both ways and so on. She has even charged us gas money to bring her here. BUT she was the one that moved !

Her parents still live here as does her husbands family. Yet , they come here to our town to visit them. And does not allow his daughter to come here to see him when they are in town. Or even let her call here. Yet , when it comes down to it , there is nothing we can do . You see my husband is labeled the absent parent.

So we are counting down the years to where we do not have to deal with the ex. $$ wise as well as conversation wise etc.

My advice to the OP is this. Be thankful that you have 4 children to love and nurture. To see grow , to share things with as well as love. Be glad that 4 little people call you mommy. Be appreciative of what you have and less hateful for what you do not have material wise. Be thankful for the time you spend with them , be wise and spend it to the best of your ability. Stop looking to play the blame game for their upbringing and care. And start living your life for what you have and for the future that you have with them.

I cannot tell you what I would do to have just one child. But I can tell you this. Because of my husbands child from the previous marriage , the child support that is paid etc. We cannot afford the infertility treatments that my doctor has suggested. Do you think that his ex-wife is symphathetic about any of this ? NO , she wants and wants and that is all that can be said about her.

She never has anything nice to say about my husband. But that is ok , as she puts my husband down. She also puts herself down too. As she is the one that chose to marry him and have his child. She chose who the father of her child is just as most others do as well. Can you really blame that all on your ex ? It does take two . I could go on , but I will spare you the rest...

Other than , be grateful for what you have. I know I and many others would love to be a parent. We have been denied for health reasons. And expensive non-guaranteed treatments are not an option for us.

So all I can say is this. Do what you have to do to get by. It seems as if you and your kids are better off without him anyhow. And remember everytime that you are mad at him for leaving and not taking care of them. Shoulder a little of that blame yourself. Because it was your choice to marry and to have children , not theirs.

A real parent would do anything that they could do to provide for their child(ren). Even if it means working 2 and 3 jobs just to put food on the table and a roof over their heads.

People need to stop thinking of $$ signs , tax deductions and CS payments when it comes to their children. Believe me , this wife of a NCP can assure you. That not all NCP's have it easy and not all of us live in luxury. BECAUSE of the fact that he does have a child with his 1st wife. We go without food , fun and happiness. It is not fair , it is not right , but that is how this NCP and his wife live. At least for the next decade that is...

Also think of it this way. When a parent is down and out. They have options of welfare , food stamps , rent assistance and so on. My husband and I do not have these options. If we cannot buy food , we go without. Because of the size of our home. Two people homes are not considered important when there are not any kids involved. We cannot get Government assistance with housing , if we lose our place for not being able to pay. We are just out on the streets , hoping to find a place. As to where someone with kids always can find a place be it in a shelter , apartments that are subsidized etc. Foodstamps and persons with kids can sometimes mean more food in one week , than we can afford for a whole month.

Example our allotment for groceries in a month is $120. Well that is for 2 people so that is about alright don't leave much for extras though. But with 2 kids we could get about $480 a month..There is not any WIC and so on here either to help save with milk , eggs and so on. Alone WIC can save parents hundreds of dollars a month... In my situation without being able to have children , I do not have a safety net to fall on etc. Only a courthouse with their hand out because of his ex wife.

Please don't think I am coming down hard on you.. Just trying to point out that you should be a little more gracious for what you do have . And that with all the time you waste contacting persons pertaining to your ex , running him down etc. Is time that could be well spent with your kids making lasting memories.

easy for you to say you have no children to raise. and you don't have a clue. wear her shoes for a year and lets hear what you have to say then.

 

[DewAndCey]

easy for you to say you have no children to raise. and you don't have a clue. wear her shoes for a year and lets hear what you have to say then.

No it isn't easy for me to say that. I do not have children due to health issues NOT by choice. I would trade , buy , sell whatever to be in that position. I did NOT have a choice , that choice was made for me.

And for someone that is infertile , they can't "wear" a parents shoes period.And if by telling the OP to just value what she does have with her kids etc. offends you .

All I can say is wear my *shoes* for a bit. Life is NOT sweeter on this side for sure. OP has a lot of advantages with her children and should take full advantage of them - PERIOD !

Someone having a child doesn't make them a parent. And because someone can't have kids doesn't make them clueless.

At least she has 4 kids to look up to her for love , advice and so on. She has those memories , and well the "dad" doesn't. Nor do I for that matter as you pointed out. But if I could have that , I would do it in a heartbeat. But sometimes you just have to play the cards life dealt ya or quit the game.

In the long run the OP's children will learn to love her more for her sacrifices as well as respect her more. How could she go wrong with that ?

And finally , if I were to have been able to have children. There is not a way in HELL I would ever beg or demand the man that fathered them to be in their lives. If he doesn't want to be - he won't plain and simple. It would be and IS his loss in the original posters situation.

 

[DewAndCey]

Dew -
I never said that I didn't appreciate my children. They are the light of my life. I do every thing for them. My ex picked up his toys and moved to Fla after we separated. He had told me that he would stay local to be able to see the children, he was lying, he knew that he was going back to Florida to be with a woman he met on the net. I have in the past asked him to grow up and be father to his children. As far as working goes I do, and at this point I owe more in child care expenses than I will even get on my tax return (thank goodness that the centers owner is sympathetic) The day care center is only open so many hours in the day. Friends and family all have their own obligations.That means that someone else will have to do homework, and make dinner, and read bed time stories....because ultimatley the man who purposly wanted all of these children can neither now financially, emotionally, or physially support these children. So tell me now what am I supposed to do, I want to be the one to raise my children, but because of my bad choices in life, that joy is passed on to someone else. As for your situation I am sorry about the issues that you face. Lest we not forget that your husband also chose that woman. Remember we all make choices and not all of them are smart ones.

Marla,

I will try to keep this short. But I have the tendency to write novels at times...I am not saying that you do not love and appreciate your children. You show love by staying with them , you show them love when you wake up and get ready for work. You show them that you love and appreciate them every time you return home from work , or wherever.

If you did not LOVE them you would have left them as well. And it is obvious that you would do anything for them. BUT sometimes people are not who we think they are. Some are not ready for marriage , parenthood and so on. And no matter what amount of pleading , demanding and so on that one person does. It will never change the other person unless they are ready to change. I hope that made a little sense !

Anyone can be a mother or a father. But it does take special people to be mom and dads. And it seems that you are their mom and he is just the father.

From personal experience I know that they will develop a special love for you when they are older. I know it has to be hard giving up so much time with them when they are so small. My parents worked afternoons , midnights , you name it. We always had a babysitter here and there.

My parents couldn't always be the ones to tuck my two sisters and I into bed. We had strangers to do this for us at times as well as family members too. Sure we missed them while they had to work. But we also learned to appreciate their abscence. It wasn't until my dads steel mill closed up that we had a parent at home all day. But that in itself put a huge strain on us as a family as well. Financially , emotionally etc.

Luckily at that time I was capable of getting a job of in all fields - nursing. I worked as a CNA for as many hours as they would allow. Then is when I learned what kids and responsibilities were like. I worked slinging adult diapers , feeding the elderly and so on to put food on my sisters table. To put clothes on their backs etc. So I do know how hard it is. I ultimately sacrificed money , time , energy and so much more so that my 5 and 9 year old sister could have clothes for school , lunch money , Christmas presents , birthdays you name it.

Sure things have changed since 86/87. But the concepts are still the same. So I do have somewhat of a clue as to what you go through on a daily basis. My husband and I not only support his daughter from his 1st marriage. We also aid in the support of my little cousin , whom is in a similiar situation as your kids are. His father up and left him at about 7 months of age. And well has only paid roughly $165 in support in 11 years. He doesn't send birthday cards , Christmas cards , never calls to even see how he is doing.

So I do see both sides , I do hear his cries wanting to know where his father is. And why he cannot have this and that when he wants or needs it.

And get this we are in Indiana and his bio. dad is in Orange County jail in Florida. He is in there on drug charges , OWI charges , trafficking you name it. Seems that he has a lifestyle that could afford to pay for his child. But he chooses to use drugs , sell them , drink you name it with the money he could send to my cousin. He lived in Orlando FLA and we all know that isn't cheap. Yet , my cousin lives in Govt. housing , hasn't spoken to his father in about 5 years , hasn't seen him in about 7.

So believe me I do know your frustrations at least second hand. Doesn't make it right I know. But at least your kids know who is there for them. And who isn't...

Oh and get this last one. Here in Indiana is where my cousins c/s order was ordered. With him being in Orange County jail and in arrears of $16,000. You would think they would go after him while he is incarcerated. NOT !! They claim it would be to costly as our county would have to go to FLA to get him when he is released from their jail system. And our county is not willing to do that for an 11 year old boy who truly goes without..

His father has not held a job that pays "over" the table in all of these years. So tax offsets are not a possibility. Plus now with him being in jail , what are they going to do ? Garnish Kool-Aid packs OR refuse to wash his clothes ?

Instead we have put it in my cousins head that he is important to US , we have encouraged him in his school work (which by the way he has been on the high honor roll for 4 years !) , we encourage the sports side of him as well.

We all see to it that he gets to go places , do things , see things and so on. He has high ambitions of getting to college on football scholarships , and we are not about to let him down "dad" or not.

However , back to the point. As long as you do what you have to do for your kids. You are in no way letting them down. You have made it this far , you can and will make it the rest of the way. When your children are grown - you will be able to sit back and know that YOU did it. And not some man who could've cared less etc. When and if this ex of yours ever comes to terms with what he has done and hasn't done. Your conscience will be clear and his will be riddled with guilt !

Do know that I wish you and your children the best of luck in life. It seems as if they have a fighter in their corner and that IS what they will grow to see.

Best of wishes...
Stacey

~Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to
them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.~

 

[mizzz2u]

nice Dew

After the first post I was a little scared! You came through as a supporter and that's great.

I do agree with Dew first post to a point and second all the way around. Marla, honey, you have to do what you have to do. Seeing the kids a little less now to get your degree to make more and see them more later is something you might just have to do. I have 4 kids, I used credit card after credit card when my ex and I first separated to try to keep my kids life as normal as it could be. I got in debt up past my eyeballs. Had to take on a second job to get my head back above water. My kids saw me less. I missed some of their games, they had to go without and I cried a lot. However, I made it. I'm back to working one job and get to see their games and go to school events. However, they still go without the "wants" sometimes...the "needs" I can take care of for the most part.
I just took their father to court for child support (he had got his head well above water and wouldn't agree to pay what he should, so to court we went). I do get child support from him regularly. But $$ isn't everything. For the last 3 1/2 years he hasn't taken advantage of his visitation. I used to have the kids waiting to go with him on his weekends. Finally, after 16 weeks I let them make other plans. I have two that have pretty much gotten on with their lives, and two that think he is their hero. Now I'm getting crap cuz he was at his mom's for a party on the 4th and the kids didn't stay long enough. I encouraged them to go and spend time with their father. I have called him and asked/pleaded with him to see his kids before it's too late. Well, at 18 and 16 they make plans themselves with friends or boyfriends/girlfriends...put them on hold for a while and spend time with your dad first then go with your friends. They did that for me...for him. The 14 and 13 year-olds stayed and had a good time. I still got crap.
He was a great dad. Coached the boys' football team, went to their basketball and baseball games. Played in the yard with them and helped with homework. If he wasn't doing that he was sleeping on the couch...but forget that! He has had a few girlfriends and they took up what free time he has. After court I told him he should come and see the kids sometime, they would love it. What I got is...I work a lot and now I have a girlfriend. I'll see what I can do. I got that when he lived 5 minutes away. He only lives an hour away now and comes to visit his parents and doesn't stop by to see the kids or even let them know he's in town. He is what I call "a holiday father." He has seen them on the holiday's and if he's seen them any other time it's for five minutes. Not enough for children who loved their father. Sure he pays child support, but doesn't support his children. That is done with time and love. All of what you are giving them. My kids know that they can count on me. I will be there through the rough times as well as the good. I get excited when I see the 90's on the report cards and upset when I see a 56 and tell them I know they are better than that. I cheer when one of them scores a basket, makes a touchdown or a good tackle, or scores a run. Try to cheer them up when they don't quite make it. Ask my daughter how her day was at work. Encourage her to go back out for cheerleading and not work so many hours, enjoy being a kid. He's not privvy to this stuff. Not because we haven't tried, but because it's his choice. Therefore, I'm the one they look to when they need to talk, have a good day or bad one. I'm the one they look to when life is good and bad. I'm their cheerleader, supporter, caretaker, agent, bookkeepper, and therapist. I'm MOM!!! And I LOVE my job!!!
Keep your head up Marla. It's tough, I won't say it isn't. But you can't make their father into a dad. You be the one that your children can count on. If he comes through at one point...great. If not, you have at least gave your children YOU! And that, my dear, is a pretty powerful thing.

At the end of a long day, when your kids are "too old" for goodnight kisses (so they say) and one of them comes up to you and gives you a hug and a goodnight kiss and says "goodnight Mom, I love you." It makes everything else seem petty.

Soooo...now that I have rambled...Do what you have to do now to make it worthwhile in the end. Your kids will understand and they will love and respect you for it.

Take care and good luck Marla.

"Goodnight Mom, I love you"
K

 

[prettyredhead]

And my husband and I cannot have children due to infertility issues.
**** Judging by this response, thank GOD In heaven that you cannot reproduce. There is a DIVINE reason, for you not to.......you are foaming at the mouth, because your hubby has a child already. You feel inferior. You should.

Here is an old addage I have found to be more than truth. "Do not lay down and have children , UNLESS you can care for them on your own".

***Dont marry men who have children that you resent. Especially since you cant afford "food" or "honeymoons" all because of a child whom isnt yours.


As for your ex not paying and getting to go on trips and so on. How about this one ? My husband is the "absent" , "non-custodial" and to his ex the "deadbeat" parent. He pays whether we have food on our table or not. WHY ? Because the courthouse says too. We go without medical care , food , trips and so on. So that this obligation is paid.

****wahh wahhh wahhhh I wanna go to Cancun, but that brat wont let us.....wahhh wahhh

We do not take trips , we rent a 2 bdrm. apt. , basic cable , one vehicle , hell for that matter we never even got to take a honeymoon ! All because his ex was a righteous - well you get the point. BUT that hasn't stopped her from going on trips to amusement parks , weekends on a house boat and so on.

***His child should go on vacations, and amusement parks. So ? On his dime too, as he is not there to take her. You certainly would not, since you cant "afford" to.

They have three licensed and registered vehicles , a $75,000 home (3 bdrm. 2 bath) , with satellite hookups , pool , you name it. Yet , she whines they cannot make it. Well get a better job , she is trained in the dental field and refuses to work in it. So she serves up gas at a local gas station part time. While her current husband lies about the place not earning a dime. Well other than from his side business dealing drugs....

***It isnt his kid. He doesnt have to pay a dime to her upkeep. U do! Silly.

For the record we still live in the same town that his divorce was granted in , as well as the CS was ordered. She was the one that moved from here. And whines about visitations and so on.She moved and expects us to travel both ways and so on.
*** Most fathers have to travel. You are a dummy for paying gas money.

Her parents still live here as does her husbands family. Yet , they come here to our town to visit them. And does not allow his daughter to come here to see him when they are in town. Or even let her call here.

** He is the absent parent. So? Lables hurt dont they> You throw them around so freely.

So we are counting down the years to where we do not have to deal with the ex. $$ wise as well as conversation wise etc.

**** But you still have to forever as long as there is the girl. her mother will be at the weddings, childbirth, ect.

I cannot tell you what I would do to have just one child. But I can tell you this. Because of my husbands child from the previous marriage , the child support that is paid etc. We cannot afford the infertility treatments that my doctor has suggested.
** You would get much happiness from fostering needy kids. Why must it be your "own" plus fostering pays you!!! Then maybe you can go to Cancun. Or a honeymoon. Snicker. Snicker...

Other than , be grateful for what you have. I know I and many others would love to be a parent. We have been denied for health reasons. And expensive non-guaranteed treatments are not an option for us.

**** See above, but then, foster kids are "damaged" and "bratty" and "poor:"

So all I can say is this. Do what you have to do to get by. It seems as if you and your kids are better off without him anyhow. And remember everytime that you are mad at him for leaving and not taking care of them. Shoulder a little of that blame yourself. Because it was your choice to marry and to have children , not theirs.

**** As was his choice to have children so he should pay half.

A real parent would do anything that they could do to provide for their child(ren). Even if it means working 2 and 3 jobs just to put food on the table and a roof over their heads.

*** Who will parent, ? Ms Smartypants? Shall someone else (babysitter) raise them, simply because a scumbag deadbeat wont pay his half?>? Single mothers do a great dis-service when they are NEVER HOME TO PARENT> Duh.

People need to stop thinking of $$ signs , tax deductions and CS payments when it comes to their children. Believe me , this wife of a NCP can assure you. That not all NCP's have it easy and not all of us live in luxury. BECAUSE of the fact that he does have a child with his 1st wife. We go without food , fun and happiness.

****Violin solo. Or is it dueling banjos? Dont marry someones father. I wont. I want it alll too.

Also think of it this way. When a parent is down and out. They have options of welfare , food stamps , rent assistance and so on. My husband and I do not have these options. If we cannot buy food , we go without. Because of the size of our home. Two people homes are not considered important when there are not any kids involved. We cannot get Government assistance with housing , if we lose our place for not being able to pay. We are just out on the streets , hoping to find a place. As to where someone with kids always can find a place be it in a shelter , apartments that are subsidized etc. Foodstamps and persons with kids can sometimes mean more food in one week , than we can afford for a whole month.

****There must be protection for those left behind in a marrage, regardless of fault. Kids are more important than any adult. I suggest you go to the local soup kitchen since your starving because of child support.


Please don't think I am coming down hard on you.. Just trying to point out that you should be a little more gracious for what you do have . And that with all the time you waste contacting persons pertaining to your ex , running him down etc. Is time that could be well spent with your kids making lasting memories.[/QUOTE]

**** In other words, you and your child are not entitled to any support from her father, in her eyes, you should just "suck it up" and "beg" and work 60 hours a week, so the deadbeat can go on vacations, and not have to "pay" for the child he created. This person is dangerous and insane DO NOT LISTEN TO THESE TYPE OF CHILD HATERS> YOU ARE ENTITLED TO EVERY PENNY YOU ARE OWED> IT IS THE LAW and he will owe this forever .

 

[caligirl73]

Wow, thats harsh. But I do see your point redhead.
I am a single mother, and I cannot and will not complain about the trips I dont go on, the house I dont own or the hours I have to work in order to support my kids. I gave birth to my 2 kids and unfortunately my ex and I could not work it out, thus our marriage ending in divorce.

I love my kids dearly, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure they have food, clothing and shelter. I do without so my kids dont have to, plain and simple. I would LOVE to be able to go on a trip or buy a house, but I cannot afford to right now. My kids need medical insurance, braces on their teeth and new clothes for school. I do what I can for my kids, and thats all any single parent can do.