Did I do the right thing?

[Bucky41]

So he is not Father of the year! BUT let the small battles go!! Let him talk to the kids. You absaloutely took advantage of the situation when he called to give yourself leverage about the selling the house, human nature, cat and mouse game etc etc BUT, you are now divorced and the rules are different. Y

es, your job is to protect your kids.. fear of fleeing the country for example, so yes you need to pursue legal options here. But be smart and learn to stop the frustration he seems to set off in you, overcome you,.. then he has won!!

You cannot protect the kids from figuring out who he is, and a phone calls is not going to change that in either direction. You are getting the right advice here, don't defend your actions, but learn from it.

And you will always have to be the bigger parent, which means the feeling of "being walked over" can either be a constant way of living or you can realize that you are smarter and is doing what needs to be done to be the better parent.

I'm sorry it came across as defending my actions...I was trying to explain things further. Thanks for the input, profmum.

 

[Bucky41]

Other replies have well covered the reality of the situation. Except ldij downplaying the missed phone calls as not that big of a deal. You are just plain wrong to deny the phone calls, there's no excuse to deny them, period. But, I did want to respond to a few other things.

That's not really here nor there, but since you shared this info about your particular situation, it makes you even more wrong for doing what you could to deny a move to have a visit by blocking phone call from Dad to kids.

By your own admission, this was the exact reason you denied the phone call. So even in advance of Dad articulating a desire for a visit, you nipped it in the bud farther back than that by not even allowing a phone call, a deliberate attempt to alienate Dad from kids.

The court order spells out the MAXIMUM rights Dad gets. It also spells out the MINIMUM rights you must allow. So this idea Dad isn't "abiding" by the court order .... that's neither here nor there for the purpose of the discussion of whether Dad is allowed to talk to the kids when he DOES call. You are not the first CP with a NCP that doesn't use all of their allowed time. That gives you NO right to act unilaterally to block ALL time (phone/visits) just because he misses some. Your right is to take him back to court to have the JUDGE limit time if you think it's justified. Your actions are 100% wrong.

I don't know why you injected that you could use a few hours to get things done. It's not about you. As far as his country not being a signatory to the Hague, frankly, I wouldn't have had children under these circumstances, but you did and cannot use that as an excuse to do as you please. Further, you already have an existing CO and if you are so sure that you aren't protected currently, you can go back to court and have your fears see the light of day and be reasoned with there, not holding all the cards yourself. So far you have engaged in actively alienating a father from his children. Maybe he shouldn't give up so easily, but you have denied him even phone access to his children for 2 holidays in a row (Thanksgiving, Christmas) and apparently won't be happy until Dad ceases contact altogether. We didn't even hear about the Thanksgiving denial initially, that came out only after this thread was well underway. I recently found a buyer for the marital home and had to deal with him (first time since March) and after realizing I needed him to sign the contract, he refused to sign and gave a really hard time. He called yelling at me the Wednesday before Thanksgiving (what is it with him and holidays) and threatened to take me to court again about the children, find a better lawyer (he doesn't realize his lawyer was pretty damn good considering the circumstances), never sell the house, etc. I tried explaining they hadn't spoken to him in a year and he needed to be consistent - not just jumping in and out of their lives. He hung up. Fast forward to Christmas morning and he called and left a message on my voicemail saying Merry Christmas and have the 'pickney' call him (it's a slang word for children in his country). I didn't comply with his request. It's as though you just don't "get it" and are sitting back blaming Dad for no contact when in reality Dad has TRIED and you are the reason he hasn't gotten the contact he's legally allowed.

Wiley, I tried to bold in your quote what I had said originally about the Thanksgiving phone call but may have made it very confusing. I also wanted to reply about denying him a visit - he was required to undergo 2 supervised (I thought I had explained that early on) prior to any unsupervised. Doesn't make what I did right or wrong, just trying to keep things clear. I realize you disagree with my actions and don't feel it should be downplayed. I'm not doing that. I asked for feedback to be knowledgeable about what I could face.

 

[Ohiogal]

At this point, I'll be forced to be careful about what I post as I don't want to damage my case in any future court proceedings (never really gave any thought to this as I don't use my name or any name familiar to most people). I realize the concensus (sp?) here is I want to control things and I really #$%^ed things up for the little ones recently. If it helps any future readers to these forums, hope they're careful with their usernames and how much detail they go into - too much can really identify your case.

Thanks for all input that's been provided (haven't read any posts since replying to OG last night so I'll do that now) and I accept the criticism and own up to my part in this. Have a good day All.

I snipped your post though I read it all and thank you for posting verbatim regarding visitations. Phone calls do not need to be spelled out. There is very little harm that can come from allowing phone calls with the children and dad. The reasons for supervision could be relevant HOWEVER a snatch and grab can NOT happen over the phone.

What I would say is you encourage phone calls. Tell your children they can talk as long as they want to their father and if they are uncomfortable they can give the phone to you. Then you can sit in the same room with them but do not interject yourself into the conversation. Understand? I am NOT trying to make you have sleepless nights however what I would say is that you need to take YOURSELF out of the equation and realize that the CHILDREN deserve to be able to have contact with both parents. The CHILDREN deserve nothing less than the ability to communicate with their dad. This is NOT about dad. This is not about you. This is about THEM. Okay? To make up for it, why don't you allow the children to call their dad if you have his number?

 

[wileybunch]

Wiley, I tried to bold in your quote what I had said originally about the Thanksgiving phone call but may have made it very confusing. I also wanted to reply about denying him a visit - he was required to undergo 2 supervised (I thought I had explained that early on) prior to any unsupervised. Doesn't make what I did right or wrong, just trying to keep things clear. I realize you disagree with my actions and don't feel it should be downplayed. I'm not doing that. I asked for feedback to be knowledgeable about what I could face.

I am not understanding how this clears something up??

 

[wileybunch]

I snipped your post though I read it all and thank you for posting verbatim regarding visitations. Phone calls do not need to be spelled out. There is very little harm that can come from allowing phone calls with the children and dad. The reasons for supervision could be relevant HOWEVER a snatch and grab can NOT happen over the phone.

What I would say is you encourage phone calls. Tell your children they can talk as long as they want to their father and if they are uncomfortable they can give the phone to you. Then you can sit in the same room with them but do not interject yourself into the conversation. Understand? I am NOT trying to make you have sleepless nights however what I would say is that you need to take YOURSELF out of the equation and realize that the CHILDREN deserve to be able to have contact with both parents. The CHILDREN deserve nothing less than the ability to communicate with their dad. This is NOT about dad. This is not about you. This is about THEM. Okay? To make up for it, why don't you allow the children to call their dad if you have his number?

GREAT advice.