Disgruntled Mom moves 300 miles away

[LongRoadHome]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? VA

My ex-wife and I share 50/50 J&L custody of our 5yo son. Our divorce was final 4.5 yrs ago... our custody agreement has had (without fail) our son with me during the week (he attends a daycare center near me on campus since he was 6months old) and with her on weekends with no provision for transportation as we'd both been in the same town for 35 + years.

A year ago she wants to reconcile. I did not. In fact, I was engaged. She became outraged, seemingly patched it up with her boyfriend and moved in with him the very next week some 300 miles away. She gave no notice to me or the courts.

However, to her credit... she maintained our custody agreement by making the commute and staying in town (my town) with her mother over the weekends for nearly 4 months. She then married and stated she would no longer "do the drives". Futhur, we tried going week to week, 2 week to 2 week... etc... but the extended stays with either parent was making for tough re-adjustments for our son upon change of care. I do share the driving... but I think it unfair that he spends 11 hours a week on the road.

So, left with the choices:

1. Longer stays/shorter duration on the road for him
2. Shorter stays/longer duration on the road for him
3. move for a change in custody due to her relocation in hopes of having him stay longer with me.

I went with #3.

My question is... given no provision for transportation and a no notice move (though she made it work for a short time)... missing my opportuniy to swiftly do something about it...

Am I too late?

My next focus is on kindergarten and I see this draggin out for another 6 months in the courts... hampering our ability to even discuss the issue.

Thanks to all in advance.

 

[Inquiry123]

Problematic

I hate to say that too much time has passed...so I'm going to keep my mouth shut. I hope someone will say that I'm wrong.

If you had immediately filed for temporary custody at the time mom moved, you would have had more leverage. Now, there's a new "accepted" norm.

I think you have an excellent chance for a revised visitation schedule with mom providing all of the transportation. Will that be enough to get her/hubby to move back?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? VA

My ex-wife and I share 50/50 J&L custody of our 5yo son. Our divorce was final 4.5 yrs ago... our custody agreement has had (without fail) our son with me during the week (he attends a daycare center near me on campus since he was 6months old) and with her on weekends with no provision for transportation as we'd both been in the same town for 35 + years.

A year ago she wants to reconcile. I did not. In fact, I was engaged. She became outraged, seemingly patched it up with her boyfriend and moved in with him the very next week some 300 miles away. She gave no notice to me or the courts.

However, to her credit... she maintained our custody agreement by making the commute and staying in town (my town) with her mother over the weekends for nearly 4 months. She then married and stated she would no longer "do the drives". Futhur, we tried going week to week, 2 week to 2 week... etc... but the extended stays with either parent was making for tough re-adjustments for our son upon change of care. I do share the driving... but I think it unfair that he spends 11 hours a week on the road.

So, left with the choices:

1. Longer stays/shorter duration on the road for him
2. Shorter stays/longer duration on the road for him
3. move for a change in custody due to her relocation in hopes of having him stay longer with me.

I went with #3.

My question is... given no provision for transportation and a no notice move (though she made it work for a short time)... missing my opportuniy to swiftly do something about it...

Am I too late?

My next focus is on kindergarten and I see this draggin out for another 6 months in the courts... hampering our ability to even discuss the issue.

Thanks to all in advance.

I think you left it too long.....it been a year. It may even be too long to make her responsible for all of the transportation. (however you should still try). I also think that you need to be planning far enough ahead to deal with Kindergarten/school now.

Here is a suggestion...its not going to be what you want, but it may be easier on your child, particularly once he is in school. There is a 3-4 day weekend available almost every month when kids are in school. Try to get a schedule that gives you all of the 3-4 day weekends (once a month visitation) plus every other Thanksgiving, one week at Christmas, every Spring Break and most of the summer.

 

[CJane]

Try to get a schedule that gives you all of the 3-4 day weekends (once a month visitation) plus every other Thanksgiving, one week at Christmas, every Spring Break and most of the summer.

I was going to say that he should be nice and give MOM all the school vacations, alternating Holidays, etc. He's had the child all during the week for 3.5 years, according to his post, and she's only had the child on the weekends (except for the attempt at every other week).

I'd approach it from the standpoint of it not being practical to continue visitation as you have been once the child starts Kindergarten, and so a modification is necessary. Play to the fact that you've done your best to be accomodating since her relocation, even doing part of the driving (so it's obvious that you're fostering the parental relationship), but that you need to get the 'kinks' worked out before the child is much older.

 

[LdiJ]

I was going to say that he should be nice and give MOM all the school vacations, alternating Holidays, etc. He's had the child all during the week for 3.5 years, according to his post, and she's only had the child on the weekends (except for the attempt at every other week).

I'd approach it from the standpoint of it not being practical to continue visitation as you have been once the child starts Kindergarten, and so a modification is necessary. Play to the fact that you've done your best to be accomodating since her relocation, even doing part of the driving (so it's obvious that you're fostering the parental relationship), but that you need to get the 'kinks' worked out before the child is much older.

My first impression when reading his post was that the child had moved with mom....however after reading YOUR post I went back and read it again and now I am not sure.

If the child did NOT move with mom, and the most mom has had since she moved was a 50/50 schedule, then yes, my advice should be reversed.

 

[LongRoadHome]

Sorry... original poster here. In re-reading what I wrote... I could be more clear.

1. Mom moved away from the area in Mar 2004. She maintained the schedule as agreed upon in our custody agreement... by driving from her (then) boyfriend's home 300 miles away... stay in town (near me) with her mother for the weekend... then return him to my care and she would head back the 300 miles to be with her boyfriend. So she did a great job of keeping things as normal as could be. But that lasted 4 months.

2. At the end of July she informs me that she will soon marry and that she is no longer bound to "do the drive" - again, we did not enumerate transportation in our decree.

3. Mid August... she stops picking him up on schedule. WHen she does get him, she refuses to bring him back... so I start making 10 hours round trips to get my son from her on my scheduled days.

4. It took a month of this nonsense for me to realize that this pattern would not end. So I contacted my lawyer.

5. I broker a deal with my ex for me to do some driving in exchange for her going back to our schedule... it lasts a little while before she involves her lawyer and we start doing things like week to week and 2 week to 2 week. It was better than a 10 hour drive for me.

6. The wheels of justice now (finally have caught up) and we finally have a hearing scheduled for May..

Hence my question about... am I ... or is it too late? And what could I truly hope to achieve?

 

[CJane]

Hence my question about... am I ... or is it too late? And what could I truly hope to achieve?

Well, what does your attorney think?

I would think (in my non-legal opinion, of course) that if you can show that you've made EVERY effort to bend over backwards to make an arrangement work, and the Mother has consistently tried to take advantage and make your life more difficult, and the child is enrolled in daycare where you are, and accustomed to spending only the occasional weekend with Mother, that your chances of a fair modification are good. The child will start school soon, and it will be even more important to have all of this figured out then.

The chances of getting a CO for her to provide 1/2 transportation are probably also good - though I wouldn't plan on getting ALL the transportation covered.

 

[LongRoadHome]

What does my attorney think? Good question. I am trying to cull opinions from this group simply to see if they mirror my attorney's thoughts or contradict. Already I am impressed by the angles folks see this from... I think that to be helpful.

After all, my attorney is one person... here lies a crowd.

I am happy to explain as much as I can in hopes of reaching a fair reslotuion in my mind as to what to expect and what to go after.