Dissolution of adoption?

[jl_a]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Idaho

Ok...long story.

In March of 09 my wife and I adopted a 12 year old boy from the Washington (state) foster care system. He was our second child (I have one from a previous marriage). Since then (August of 10), we have adopted a sibling group from Delaware (boy 4, girls 7 & 8 at that time). We have also had a baby (8 month boy). Over the last 2 years, my oldest adopted son has become increasingly aggressive, disobedient, and abusive to all of the children and my wife. He constantly bullies (verbally and physically) all of the children if we are not present, even if we only go to the other room. He is completely defiant and verbally abusive towards my wife and me. All of my children and my wife have stated they are scared of him and they believe he will hurt them any time I am not home. Obviously, I cannot be home all of the time (I am working and my wife is recently a stay at home mom). He always takes it as far as he can without actually assaulting them before he stops. We have tried PSR, counseling, and respite...none have worked. He is more and more aggressive every day. I am worried about the safety of my family and my home (he has already started fires in the house and was hospitalized in a mental health ward for it). I am to the point where I am willing to go to jail for child abandonment and just drop him off with the state (that will cost me my job because I have a Top Secret security clearance and have to keep it for work). The adoption has been finalized for more than 3 years...is there anything else I can do? What can I do to rescue my family from him?

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Idaho

Ok...long story.

In March of 09 my wife and I adopted a 12 year old boy from the Washington (state) foster care system. He was our second child (I have one from a previous marriage). Since then (August of 10), we have adopted a sibling group from Delaware (boy 4, girls 7 & 8 at that time). We have also had a baby (8 month boy). Over the last 2 years, my oldest adopted son has become increasingly aggressive, disobedient, and abusive to all of the children and my wife. He constantly bullies (verbally and physically) all of the children if we are not present, even if we only go to the other room. He is completely defiant and verbally abusive towards my wife and me. All of my children and my wife have stated they are scared of him and they believe he will hurt them any time I am not home. Obviously, I cannot be home all of the time (I am working and my wife is recently a stay at home mom). He always takes it as far as he can without actually assaulting them before he stops. We have tried PSR, counseling, and respite...none have worked. He is more and more aggressive every day. I am worried about the safety of my family and my home (he has already started fires in the house and was hospitalized in a mental health ward for it). I am to the point where I am willing to go to jail for child abandonment and just drop him off with the state (that will cost me my job because I have a Top Secret security clearance and have to keep it for work). The adoption has been finalized for more than 3 years...is there anything else I can do? What can I do to rescue my family from him?

This is YOUR son. Why is one part of your family more important than another part? Parenting means dealing with the good and the bad. Your child may need residential treatment. Try that. You don't get to "change your mind" about being a parent because it has become too difficult.

 

[Zigner]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Idaho

Ok...long story.

In March of 09 my wife and I adopted a 12 year old boy from the Washington (state) foster care system. He was our second child (I have one from a previous marriage). Since then (August of 10), we have adopted a sibling group from Delaware (boy 4, girls 7 & 8 at that time). We have also had a baby (8 month boy). Over the last 2 years, my oldest adopted son has become increasingly aggressive, disobedient, and abusive to all of the children and my wife. He constantly bullies (verbally and physically) all of the children if we are not present, even if we only go to the other room. He is completely defiant and verbally abusive towards my wife and me. All of my children and my wife have stated they are scared of him and they believe he will hurt them any time I am not home. Obviously, I cannot be home all of the time (I am working and my wife is recently a stay at home mom). He always takes it as far as he can without actually assaulting them before he stops. We have tried PSR, counseling, and respite...none have worked. He is more and more aggressive every day. I am worried about the safety of my family and my home (he has already started fires in the house and was hospitalized in a mental health ward for it). I am to the point where I am willing to go to jail for child abandonment and just drop him off with the state (that will cost me my job because I have a Top Secret security clearance and have to keep it for work). The adoption has been finalized for more than 3 years...is there anything else I can do? What can I do to rescue my family from him?

To date, what have you done to help your child?

(It's a valid question...)

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

This is the result of your attempt to somehow fulfill a weird desire to have many children. This child was fine until you started making poor choices and throwing all these children together. Now he needs your help and appears to be crying for the attention he was once lavished with and now must share with 4 others. Man up and fix the mess you created Dad.

 

[jl_a]

This is YOUR son. Why is one part of your family more important than another part? Parenting means dealing with the good and the bad. Your child may need residential treatment. Try that. You don't get to "change your mind" about being a parent because it has become too difficult.

He has had residential treatment...didn't work. I am not changing my mind...I love the kid to death. But, I can't let one child damage the rest of my family. This is not an easy choice. In your view it is better to have 6 members of your family live in fear than to part with one? That doesn't work for me. I have a duty to protect the other 5 children that is equal to my duty to take care of this one. To me, taking care of 5 children and my wife is a greater need.

 

[Silverplum]

I'm too shocked to speak.

 

[jl_a]

To date, what have you done to help your child?

(It's a valid question...)

Short version =

Over 5000 hours of PSR
Over 1000 hours of family and individual counseling
9 weeks in residential treatment
School intervention, police intervention, family intervention.

 

[Silverplum]

He has had residential treatment...didn't work. I am not changing my mind...I love the kid to death. But, I can't let one child damage the rest of my family. This is not an easy choice. In your view it is better to have 6 members of your family live in fear than to part with one? That doesn't work for me. I have a duty to protect the other 5 children that is equal to my duty to take care of this one. To me, taking care of 5 children and my wife is a greater need.

I think you don't know what to think. I know I don't.

What did the residential treatment professionals say? What does your family therapist say?

 

[jl_a]

This is the result of your attempt to somehow fulfill a weird desire to have many children. This child was fine until you started making poor choices and throwing all these children together. Now he needs your help and appears to be crying for the attention he was once lavished with and now must share with 4 others. Man up and fix the mess you created Dad.

It is a weird desire to want to help kids? That's new. All of my adopted children are minorities and groups that would not get adopted otherwise. My wife worked many years as an investigator for crimes against children and has seen firsthand what kind of life these kids have that never get adopted.

Furthermore, prior to adopting more children, it was discussed at length with my son and his treatment team. He and every member of his treatment team thought it was a great idea to have more minority children in the house to help him not feel so isolated (he is black and my wife and I are white) and because he was used to a bigger family and it may make him adapt better. This was just as much a move to help him as it was to help the other kids.

 

[jl_a]

I'm too shocked to speak.

When your wife and children hide in a room and call you crying, please get back to me!

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

Obviously, you over did your purely altruistic need to help poor disadvantaged children. You have no moral or legal right to discard the first one you "helped", like yesterdays garbage, because you screwed up.

 

[Zigner]

9 whole weeks in an RTC?

Seriously

Lose your holier-than-thou attitude...you have no idea what the members of this forum may have experienced. My youngest spent over 3 years in the RTC (he's doing great now, thank you).

 

[Silverplum]

When your wife and children hide in a room and call you crying, please get back to me!

HE is ALSO your child.

 

[CSO286]

HE is ALSO your child.

And he was your child before the others joined your family**************

 

[Ohiogal]

Here is what you do:
Call in a referral on yourself to CSB/CPS and state that you and your wife want to relinguish custody of your child and that your child is dependent/in need of services. Offer to drop the child off and your wife and you will voluntarily relinquish rights to this child due to your inability to parent this child and meet all of his needs.

CPS will file a court case and allow you to terminate your rights. Don't ever plan on EVER adopting another child.