Do I need a lawyer, yet?

[stealth2]

and for me to "deal" with my issues.

Much speculation on what she needs to work on, but I'm curious what OP's "issues" might be. Dean?

 

[dean5665]

Much better posts, guys!

Good question stealth2. My wife believes that these are the issues I need to work on:

1) I need to take better care of myself since I have diabetes.

I present to you these facts:
a. I have lost twenty-one pounds in the last 4 months.
b. My A1c (a more accurate test on a diabetics glucose levels over the past 3 months) numbers are as follows: My doctor's suggested levels - between 7.0 and 7.9. My level: 4.7 (Considered a level of a non-diabetic)
c. I walk every day that I can during my lunch hour.
d. Normal cholesteral levels.
e. No high blood pressure.

I am as healthy as I have ever been and I am not done yet!

2) I need to be more accountable for my actions.

It would take a long time to give examples of this "issue" that I have. One that does re-surface every week is my work. I work in admissions at a local college. During our registration period, which was Oct. 26 - Jan.12, we were extremely busy. Especially starting around the 1st of Dec. We are always backed up with students waiting to see us. It is my policy that if it is 5:00 and there are still students sitting out in the waiting area that have been there for an hour and a half waiting to see me, I am going to help them. I am not going to tell someone that just wasted 90 minutes of their time that they are out of luck and will need to come back another time and wait another 90 minutes to see me again. We are there to serve the students and this is what I feel is fair. My wife doesn't understand this philosophy and therefore, when I am late getting home, I am not being accountable because I am giving her the excuse that I was working with a student. Serving students is not an excuse. It is my job. But she doesn't respect that.

3) I am jealous of her job.

This is the ridiculous one. I am so proud of what she does as an elementary school music teacher. I believe that she is one of the best in the state. What she does for her students (which is the whole school of over a thousand students), is remarkable. Most importantly, she loves what she does. I brag about her all the time! Every 2 years she produces a school CD. When she completed her 5th CD, I asked a professional company to mount these CD's in a huge frame like professional singers do with gold or platinum albums. After the concert to introduce the 5th CD, I and a good friend of ours presented it to her on stage, her old principal spoke, her mom and dad gave her roses, and many of her friends that were invited stayed to hug her and tell her congrats. The local newspaper was even there! She was just beside herself with happiness and joy. I was to because I loved her and was proud of her and I thought she deserved it.

How could I be jealous of her job with this much effort put in to show her how much I love her and think that she is the best at what she does?

4. I don't keep up with my sleep log.

I have sleep apnea. About three years ago I fell into some bad sleeping habits. I would stay up late watching tv and would fall asleep and my snoring would wake her up in the bedroom. I didn't know that this bothered her so much, until she finally let me in on her extreme frustration about one and a half years later. (This is my problem with her. She has no communication skills, whatsoever. That will have to be another post!) We went to a therapist and it was suggested that I keep a sleep log so that she can see the proof that I am going to sleep at a good time and getting enough sleep. I was not happy with this because I new it would become a very powerful control tool for her. But I agreed because I wanted to show her that I could do this. With my wife evrything has to be perfect. One slip-up one night and one choice I made to stay up late another night, ruined about two and a half perfect months. I had failed. The one slip-up was when I realized that the dog hadn't been fed so I had to stay up about 30 more minutes while he ate and then did his business before bringing him in for the night. Well, during that 30 minutes, I fell asleep on the couch watching tv. Yes, I admit that I made a mistake but being the first mistake in almost 3 months I thought she might understand. But I was wrong. The night I chose to stay up late was when we had elected our first African-American President. This was a huge moment in history so I stayed up to listen to election speeches, commentary, and so forth. I am a grown man. If I want to see history being made, I feel that I should be able to make this decision on my own. Well, apparently not.

Conclusion:
She wants me out because I don't go to bed when I should, I am not healthy, I give her excuses, and I am jealous of her job.

There is so much more to all of these "issues" that are just mind blowing. I wish I could write more so you guys could get the whole picture. But it is way past my bedtime! Please don't tell my wife! Oh wait! I'm on vacation! So it doesn't matter!

This has been somewhat cathartic. Thank you guys for contributing. And by the way, I decided this morning that I am not moving out. If she needs space, then she can go to the park----just not a trailor park! I will let you guys know what happens next!

 

[mistoffolees]

Conclusion:
She wants me out because I don't go to bed when I should, I am not healthy, I give her excuses, and I am jealous of her job.

From a legal perspective, none of that matters. Your not keeping up with your sleep log is not grounds for divorce in any state that I know of.

The bottom line is that if she wants a divorce, she will get one. If she wants to find herself, she can do so - but you should not be the one who has to move out of the house or lose daily contact with the children.

 

[commentator]

Sorry about the trailer park crack, Dean. It's just that you sound SO much like a nice guy, and a guy who loves his wife and sincerely wants to make his marriage work --and SO much like some other nice guys I've seen get mowed down, totally blindsided by women who "weren't happy" and "wanted to find themselves!"

Guys who agreed to go to counseling, who agreed to work extra hard on their issues, what they were doing wrong, that list the wife gives them (with my brother, wife was worried and concerned about the Vietnam flashbacks he was having, and we were all supportive of her, and getting him into counseling with the VA. Turned out she was genuinely afraid of him, all right, because she was afraid he'd kill her when he found out about the flaming affair she was having with their Sunday School teacher!)

I have just heard this sort of thing from the guy's point of view so many times (and from women too, whose husbands suddenly turn up unhappy and unable to find themselves, producing all sorts of vague general things the spouse is doing wrong that suddenly drive them crazy) and in not one single one of these cases was there not an issue of "seeing other people" that turned up later to be the number one cause of this sudden discontent.

I hope you two can work things out in your marriage, but remember, do not be too agreeable to taking all the blame, do not give in to unreasonable demands, and keep your perspective! Best wishes to you.

 

[dean5665]

Thanks, commentator. Don't worry about it!

You are exactly right. She is a steamroller! She has caught me off gaurd a few times in this marriage. Nothing really that important, really. I just noticed, after it happened that she had just steamrolled right over me. As I said it wasn't anything that important to me. It was just important to her and that was the tatic she used to get what she wanted.

Luckily, I have seen her work this way with her ex. I know her well. But with this kind of stuff going on, I need to be extra vigilant. Any decision she would like to make I will just calmly say "Let me record that request and I will pass this onto my lawyer.

Thanks for the support and words of encouragement, guys. Tomorrow I step back into hell from my short but wonderful vacation with just me and my 41/2 year old princess. Be thinking about me!

 

[stealth2]

Much better posts, guys!

Good question stealth2. My wife believes that these are the issues I need to work on:

1) I need to take better care of myself since I have diabetes.

I present to you these facts:
a. I have lost twenty-one pounds in the last 4 months.
b. My A1c (a more accurate test on a diabetics glucose levels over the past 3 months) numbers are as follows: My doctor's suggested levels - between 7.0 and 7.9. My level: 4.7 (Considered a level of a non-diabetic)
c. I walk every day that I can during my lunch hour.
d. Normal cholesteral levels.
e. No high blood pressure.

I am as healthy as I have ever been and I am not done yet!

It sounds as though you currently have a good handle on what you need to do. BUT... I can, in some ways, understand your wife's concern that it may not be lasting. My Dad's diabetic, and when he slides? He slides big. As a parent of a young child, I can understand why she may be concerned that you will do so (based partially on your sleep apnea/log issues).

2) I need to be more accountable for my actions.

It would take a long time to give examples of this "issue" that I have. One that does re-surface every week is my work. I work in admissions at a local college. During our registration period, which was Oct. 26 - Jan.12, we were extremely busy. Especially starting around the 1st of Dec. We are always backed up with students waiting to see us. It is my policy that if it is 5:00 and there are still students sitting out in the waiting area that have been there for an hour and a half waiting to see me, I am going to help them. I am not going to tell someone that just wasted 90 minutes of their time that they are out of luck and will need to come back another time and wait another 90 minutes to see me again. We are there to serve the students and this is what I feel is fair. My wife doesn't understand this philosophy and therefore, when I am late getting home, I am not being accountable because I am giving her the excuse that I was working with a student. Serving students is not an excuse. It is my job. But she doesn't respect that.

Well... when you are late - do you let her know you will be? And how late are you? How often does this happen? Are you the only one who can help these students? And what do you do to help her with taking care of the child you share during your (apparently frequent) late evenings?

As a former faculty spouse, I have to add... There came a point where I was more of a single parent than not, due to faculty requirements in the evenings, trips to present papers, etc. Literally, the other parent was away a good two weeks out of four. So I was routinely dealing with kids who were either upset 'cause their Dad wasn't home, or that the routine established when he wasn't home was tossed out the door because he was. Wanna talk about stressful?

3) I am jealous of her job.

This is the ridiculous one. I am so proud of what she does as an elementary school music teacher. I believe that she is one of the best in the state. What she does for her students (which is the whole school of over a thousand students), is remarkable. Most importantly, she loves what she does. I brag about her all the time! Every 2 years she produces a school CD. When she completed her 5th CD, I asked a professional company to mount these CD's in a huge frame like professional singers do with gold or platinum albums. After the concert to introduce the 5th CD, I and a good friend of ours presented it to her on stage, her old principal spoke, her mom and dad gave her roses, and many of her friends that were invited stayed to hug her and tell her congrats. The local newspaper was even there! She was just beside herself with happiness and joy. I was to because I loved her and was proud of her and I thought she deserved it.

How could I be jealous of her job with this much effort put in to show her how much I love her and think that she is the best at what she does?

Don't see where she's coming from.

4. I don't keep up with my sleep log.

I have sleep apnea. About three years ago I fell into some bad sleeping habits. I would stay up late watching tv and would fall asleep and my snoring would wake her up in the bedroom. I didn't know that this bothered her so much, until she finally let me in on her extreme frustration about one and a half years later. (This is my problem with her. She has no communication skills, whatsoever. That will have to be another post!) We went to a therapist and it was suggested that I keep a sleep log so that she can see the proof that I am going to sleep at a good time and getting enough sleep. I was not happy with this because I new it would become a very powerful control tool for her. But I agreed because I wanted to show her that I could do this. With my wife evrything has to be perfect. One slip-up one night and one choice I made to stay up late another night, ruined about two and a half perfect months. I had failed. The one slip-up was when I realized that the dog hadn't been fed so I had to stay up about 30 more minutes while he ate and then did his business before bringing him in for the night. Well, during that 30 minutes, I fell asleep on the couch watching tv. Yes, I admit that I made a mistake but being the first mistake in almost 3 months I thought she might understand. But I was wrong. The night I chose to stay up late was when we had elected our first African-American President. This was a huge moment in history so I stayed up to listen to election speeches, commentary, and so forth. I am a grown man. If I want to see history being made, I feel that I should be able to make this decision on my own. Well, apparently not.

Well... three years ago, you also had a 1 1/2 year old. Whose sleep schedule may or may not have been consistent. Your sleeping patterns further disrupted Mom's sleep. And she still had to deal with work and your child (while you were late from work). That can be incredibly tiring. While I can understand that keeping a sleep log might seem controlling, can you see how it could/should have been a helpful tool for you to help your sleep issues?

Your two mistakes... Only the first can be viewed as a slip-up. It happens. BUT... whose responsibility was it to feed the dog in the first place? If yours, can you see how it may have irritated her with the compounded issues?

Election night? Dude - you do know that we have a bunch of cool technologies allowing you to tape all that stuff, right?

Now, sure, I'm coming at this from my own perspective. My ex used to fall asleep on the couch with the tv *blaring* - I could hear it in the upstairs bedroom w/ the door closed. And yeah, with two kids and a F/T job... it got old pretty darned fast.

SO... while I'm not saying your wife is 100% right... I'm not sure you are, either. Just an outside perspective.