Do I need a lawyer ?

[dawgswife]

What is the name of your state? Maryland

Hubby announced two months ago he wants to separate. I don't want to...want to work it out. He says no and wants a timeline for when he should leave and is suggesting June 1. I don't want a separation and have begun seeing a family counselor - but he won't go. We own two houses, and at first (until last week), he said he was looking for a place to rent so he could leave within the timeline. During that discussion I asked him what he thought I was supposed to do - I cannot pay the mortgage on the home we live in (I am on permanent disability income - no job) and my other bills (car, car insurance, G&E, food, health insurance, etc. etc. etc.) His suggestion because my income is limited- I move out to rental property and he keeps the large house.

I have not seen or spoken to a lawyer - am still in shock and don't believe this is happening.

My questions are
1.) Do I need a lawyer for a separation if it happens (he says he's not interested in divorce)

2.) If either one of us leaves without a separation agreement, is it desertion and are there legal issues concerning desertion?

3.) Can he be made to keep up the mortgage payments on the house we live in even if he doesn't live here?

Please help.

 

[djohnson]

A lawyer is always a good idea, but I would hold off. I would leave the home until a judge ordered me to. If you are separating, chances are a divorce is coming, so be prepared. You may want to go ahead and find a lawyer but until you get something legal and not just his words, I would hold off, especially because of the money. How long have you been married? Are there children? Who's name is on the house? Why does he want the separation?

 

[dawgswife]

We have been married since 1987, lived together a year before that. We jointly own the home we live in now - the rental property was my home, bought and paid for by me before we married. I have put his name and my nephews name on that deed as joint owners.

We have no children.

He wants the separation because???? He says he doesn't "love me all the way to the top", or doesn't "Love me the way I love him", doesn't "Love me the way I should be loved" and about a week ago simply "I don't love you".
He has increased our social life since his pronouncment, also increased our sexual encounters and has improved his amount of quality time with me (a real issue for me in recent past). There is a girl (26 years younger than him) who he sees in a local bar every week (even rearranges our schedule in order to meet her) to play trivia games with and to drink with. He has been seen holding hands with the girl, going into her house and also smooching (little pecks ) in the bar. SHe has been a HUGE issue in our lives for 3 years. ONe of the reasons he said we need to separate is , he says, because "if I can have so much fun with ............. (girls name) on Friday nights, how can I be in love with you". He SWEARS there's no sex between them - they've discussed the fact that in order to stay friends they must not give in to their mutual desire for one another????? They email one another and have each others phone numbers. I have seen him with her and he is dotty about her - has a huge crush on her and I can't compete (at age 57) with a youngster. She has a live in boyfriend and she doesn't believe in marriage - thinks anyone who enters into it is stupid (though 3 yrs ago when I first met her she was awaiting an engagment ring from her love)

Additionally, I am 57, he is 55.

ALso, I have had a very debilitating illness for the past 3 years which has made me a virtual shrew due to pain and being fairly housebound. I have made him miserable over this girl (probably pushed him right into her arms)

Mid life crisis?
Crush?
Really doesn't love me?

You would NOT leave the home til a judge ordered it?

What about the desertion issue? If he leaves our home and leaves me with all the bills - do I have legal recourse?

 

[djohnson]

First, they are having an affair, I don't care what he says. It just doesn't fit. That is why he wants a divorce. After the length of marriage you will probably get atleast half of everything (pensions 401ks etc...) and probably alimony. I wouldn't leave and I would ask for everything. Right now he thinks as long as he can string you along and keep you not happy and think he isn't having an affair you will agree with anything because you think there is still a chance. When he gets everything, because you agreed, watch how the tide turns. Don't do anything foolish just because he says he doesn't want a divorce and isn't having sex right now with her.

 

[dawgswife]

Why do you think they are having an affair? I would agree that this is an affair of the heart for him - he is drooling over this youngster, but he is truly adamant about not having had sex. He is basically a very truthful guy which is a good thing, because he can't lie worth a crap - gets all red in the face and can't meet your eyes.

Tonight he would like to talk again. I want to pursue staying together in this talk - is this useless? On your advice, I will not agree to leave the house, but what if he does and I can't make the payments?

I love him - I want him to stay. I so need to say and do the right things tonite, but I haven't slept in two days and am hardly functioning.

 

[Theresalee]

"Dawgswife" Just my opinion but you have it all in your screen name here!!!
He told you he doesn't LOVE you... I would run not walk to the nearest attorney!!!!

 

[dawgswife]

Theresalee...
Yes he did say that - among all the other things about loving me but not quite as much as before. Yet since this began, at bedtime he has gathered me in his arms and said "I love you". He has stepped up our social and sexual life - he has made himself present in my life instead of hiding in the basement doing whatever he does on the computer. We are contemplating a vac ation to the Fla. Keys - a place we both have long wished to visit. All this SINCE he announced he wanted a separation - not BEFORE.

His message is SO mixed - SO confusing........

Does one just give up and allow the marriage to die, or does fight for it? We all have dry spells in our marriage when we are bored and itching to be let loose, we all let our eyes and thoughts stray and even openly flirt with others - it's the human condition.

Which statement, which action do I believe. The I love you's, or the I don'ts?

You don't see this man's actions as confusing and perhaps mid-lifish in nature?

 

[djohnson]

You can take the vacation and try to keep the marriage together if that is what you want and you can live with what he is doing, but do it with you eyes wide open. Many times these actions can be purposely trying to confuse you so that you don't fight him on things like the house and alimony. If he tells you the truth and you fight, then he stands to lose more. Him sending mixed signals does speak for an honest man not having an affair with young girl he is hanging out with. So many people wake up one day and say I never saw the signs. You are also not seeing the signs because you are blinded by your own feelings and emotions. Just do whatever you want, but don't be blinded any longer.

 

[Theresalee]

Dawgswife,
The advice given by djohnson sounds good.... No one likes to feel rejected and our human nature tells us to hang on and listen to the good....
If my husband ever hung out with another female and told me he didn't love me, I would be contemplating divorce in a heart beat!!
I also truly believe he is only safe gaurding himself in case this relationship doesn't work out with this younger woman and by keeping you on a string..
Its as simple as this: This is Not O.K? If your o.k with it I suppose you wouldn't be here?
If he wants a seperation then give him one.. He will either see what he lost or he will end up with this other woman. Maybe it is a midlife crisis but it doesn't mean it's o.k...
If you want to be with him then tell him it's either her or me period>>> be prepared to leave. His confussion could be that he is not sure if this other woman really wants him?
At least go talk to an attorney to see what your options are it may put your mind at ease knowing you have options and can make it with out him after all... I'm not in a much better situation so I feel for you...

 

[dawgswife]

Dawg was supposed to continue discussion last nite, at his request Wed.nite . He completely pretended that it wasn't on the agenda and this a.m. sweetly kissed me goodbye when he left for work.

The guy is either a split personality, or he really is trying to get what he can out of me. Trouble is - this man is not a devious man. I've known him for 20 years and lying is so hard for him that he actually turns purply red when he tries. That's why these signals are so confusing.... all the signs of his trying to fib about something or be devious about something just arent there! I'm not kidding myself about that much. I could very well be kidding myself about his love because I am so devastated at the thought of losing him.

Perhaps what I should do is find a detective, someone to confirm that they aren't leaving the bar. I have absolutely no reason to believe that they do, as I have popped in and I have called the bar and he is ALWAYS there when I do that.

The bottom line though is that he is very emotionally attached to this girl (I truly do not believe its sexual yet) and his comment "how can I love you when I can have so much fun with ........(bar girl)?" shows me that he doesn't know how to proceed.

I thank you all for the advice to protect myself. I wish someone could tell me how to stop the sadness.

 

[marriagehelp]

have you thought about going out yourself and trying to have fun. I am not saying to have an affair i am just saying to go out and show him that you can have fun too. I know you want to save your marriage but it seems like he is just stringing you along because he knows he can. I wish the best for you. Just hang in there and do what your heart tells you to do but just dont be a fool and let him keep walking over you. Good luck

 

[dawgswife]

Marriagehelp - yes I have begun going out on Friday nites. I also have become involved with my Civic Association - on several committees. I cannot tell if any of this has any impact on the man.

He came home from the bar and time with bar girl last nite (usual Friday nite) and invited me to go with him, her and her boyfriend to a nightclub next Friday nite. I agreed to go.

Does this really seem like the behaviour of a man who knows for certain that he wants to separate? Why invite me?

I may really need a lawyer and detective just to sort this all out. I obviously am not doing such a good job myself and am way to emotionally involved to see what, if anything, last nite's invitation may mean?

 

[marriagehelp]

Do you really think you would enjoy yourself going out with all of them? Maybe you should hire a detective to see if he is having an affair. I just dont quite understand the whole situation. I really do not understand him at all. He keeps giving you mixed signals. Just go with your heart and that is the best i can tell ya if you still want to keep your marriage. Does he say he still wants to be married? Are you just scared of being with out him or do you still truely love him? Hang in there

 

[babegirl]

Mid-life crisis

Since he loves hanging out in bars w/ the girl AND her boyfriend(and,It seems the kisses are just that of a young woman gaining as much attention as she can,and a fall back guy)AND you are invited to go "hang out"....it all seems to add up to a mi-life.No "civic clubs" for him! Its darts and beer(like when you'rs 24 years old).Has the concious NOT to go "all the way",just lookin for more fun than the world has taught him(at this point).Men look back on thier lives at this age and ask themselves"am i where i wanted to be?".
The question for you(and i think you allready answered it)is are you willing to spend your time dressing as a teen,going out and partying,and re-living his youth in order to "reel" him back in(after he goes through this,of course).Still no guarantee if you decide to do so,it may get even deeper,but you seem to truly love,and want to keep the relationship(?).Just dont want to see you get hurt in the process,but perhaps you could try to mesh into his world,and perhaps he will miss the world he once lived in(warning!this could take a while AND could backfire!)just feeling 4 you and brainstorming out loud!