Easy questions...

[FJ1200guy]

What is the name of your state? NY

Hello, very nice forum you all have here.
My question is NY related, even though I am in MI. My g/f lives in NY, and has recently separated from her b/f of aprx. 5 years. He left her at their shared appt., shutting of the phone, taking the only car, leaving her with her 2 gorgeous little girls, with no means of support and no child support. He now says he lives with his sister, but is actually with his new g/f. She is now living with her sister while she goes through the custody process.
My question concerns her ability to move her with me (we will marry shortly after she arrives).

Is it possible for him to prevent her from moving here?

Is it likely for her to get full legal and physical custody?

I know these are generic questions, and I'm basically trying to get a feel for how this will proceed, so generic answers are understood. I doubt he will raise too much of a stink in any case... he rather cavalier about his 2 kids with my g/f , or the 2 girls from his first marriage. He also works the night shift, working from 9:30pm until 7:00am.
I figure if she wants a chance to move here, she would be wise to put it in any forthcoming agreement of custody?


Thanks in advance! Lyle

 

[BL]

She is now living with her sister while she goes through the custody process. [ quote ]

Who initiated the Custody Petition ?
Has the other Party been served a summons ?
Has there already been court proceedings on this matter ?

If the answer to last two are yes,it would be unwise not to continue in Court.
In this case,he could request Non-removal clause be included in the final Order.

If she was the one that filed , and a summons has not been served, and there have been NO travel restrictions ordered,she could move.

The case will simply be dismissed when she did not appear.

If he were then to file within 6 months and have her served , she would have to come to NY for Court proceedings( jurisdiction),and she could be required to return to NY to live,
.If she w/the children were in your State for at least 6 months,then your State would be established as the home State,and that state would have Jurisdiction.

 

[stealth2]

What's the hurry? She "recently" separated and you want to get married "shortly after she arrives". Don't jerk the kids around that way.

 

[BL]

What's the hurry? She "recently" separated and you want to get married "shortly after she arrives". Don't jerk the kids around that way.

I also agree with that .

"jerk" is the key word .

 

[FJ1200guy]

A "Jerk"?!?!

I'll answer the intelligent questions first, then deal with the "jerk the kids around" comments.

"Who initiated the Custody Petition ?"

I believe he initiated first, but they were both pretty close. The hard part is to be able to tell when he is just telling her things to get a response, you know? Right now her lawyer is talking to his to see if an agreement can be reached relatively amicably.

"Has the other Party been served a summons ?"

Nope.

"Has there already been court proceedings on this matter ?"

Nope.

Okay, now on to the more insulting comments...

Now why would you think I'd be jerking around those little girls, and why would you call me a jerk??? Usually if you don't have enough info to go on, it's best to keep the smart-butt comments to yourselfs, eh? But I will give some more info so that you may understand the situation better, but bear with me as I am typing with 2 fingers, and they get tired! If you still think that badly of me, then I will accept that, deal?

When I say she was "recently" separated, I guess I should have specified a time frame, eh? We have been seeing each other for over a year now... and although they maintained a houshold together, it wasn't as a couple. Most recently this summer she and the girls came over here to spend 3 weeks with me, and it went very well... our concern being how the girls would feel, and what issues we would have, if any. I actually thought there would be some things to deal with, but believe it or not, everything went pretty darn well!

Look, I am a divorced father myself, and trust me, there is NO way I would deprive the girls of time with there father. He is not a bad guy, his fathering skills are just not his strength, that's all. My g/f was even taking care of his daughter from a previous marriage. He would not help enforce any rules, blah blah blah.... you have heard all this stuff before, I'm sure.

MY question is this... how is it jerking the kids around? Honestly, if that is what it is, I'd like to know if I am totally oblivious or something. I am always willing to listen to opinions...

Oh, by the way, as for marriage... we love each other, and after what she has gone through with this guy, she believes it's not a great idea to live with a guy for an extended period without marriage being the goal. So we figured to set up our household, get everyone settled in, then becoming a Mr and Mrs... is this not a good idea?

Anyways, thanks, from the "Jerk"...

 

[BL]

We have been seeing each other for over a year now... and although they maintained a houshold together, it wasn't as a couple [ quote ]

The beautiful girls are near to their Father still , and poor parenting skills ,or not , he's is their Father. There is NO set instructions one must fallow to raise child(ren).


I would too ,as a Father fight for my rights to my children,when a threat came along that would move them away.

I bet either he disallows the move of the Children to MI , seeks Custody - in one of the legal forms , and if the move were to take place your G/f had better be prepared to pay travel cost for Father's visitations.

I was not calling anyone a name . But there is a favorite moto " If the shoe fits ,wear it ".

 

[FJ1200guy]

Fathers like you...

Okay, I get it now... LOL. For I minute I thought a RATIONAL person was calling me a jerk. Whew, feel better now.

You see, people like you, and my g/f's ex are the kind of "fathers" that make honest, hard-working, fair-minded fathers like myself have to go through so much crap in court. You, like him, think it's okay to offer to pick up the kids from time "a" to time "b", but then come late (if at all), or drop them off early. YOU, like him, think yelling is the best way to teach a 3 year old. You, like him, put money before the kids, only worrying about your car payment, or your new g/f's bills. YOU, like him, even though you haven't paid hardly any mony in support for your kids, would have the nerve to ask the mom for diapers...
You would also leave your daughters alone with the mother with NO form of transportation, no mony, no food, no juice, and no phone... and go to stay with your g/f... JUST like he did. No thought of a possible emergency. You would also suggest trading sex for child support, as he did. AND when you actually live with your kids, you spend more time on the computer, and actually yell at the kids when they want attention.

Yeah I know you, Blonde Lebinese.... and deadbeat "fathers" just like you. You give good fathers like myself bad names... and guys like you stick in the memories of the judges when normal guys try to get a fair deal. You and my g/f's ex should have lunch... if either one of you showed up. Why not go to a fancy place, spend your kids food money there, lord knows it wouldn't bother you.

So save your biased, foolish, and sad "jerk shoes"... I am sure you have MANY more miles to walk in them.

Now, anyone with a brain, feel free to adress me anytime. Blonde, keep walking.

Lyle

 

[stealth2]

Thanks for putting the timeline into better perspective. And while I agree that it's wiser to marry rather than shack up, I think it's even more important for your g/f to take some time on her own first. All too often, women (in particular) go from one relationship to another, and never take the time to stand on their own two feet or learn who they are as individuals. Your g/f may or may not be that type. But kids learn a great deal from example and that's not the best example to set for them, especially since they are girls.

Now I'm sure you're a perfectly nice guy. And she's likely a very nice woman. But dating at a distance - even for a year - doesn't always present a realistic view of a person/situation. I can't tell you how many people I know who've done just what you propose. And then come to find that the reality of the other person day-to-day is quite different than expected. It's crappy for adults, but tragic for kids when these things don't work out (and I'm not saying that your situation won't). That's why it's almost always better to be cautious and move slowly when kids are involved. If she can get the ex/court's permission to move, fine. Have her move to MI, get a job and get a place for her and her girls. Live independantly while the two (four) of you really get to know one another. And then, if it's still what y'all want - get married.

 

[BL]

Re: Fathers like you...

Okay, I get it now... LOL. For I minute I thought a RATIONAL person was calling me a jerk. Whew, feel better now.

You see, people like you, and my g/f's ex are the kind of "fathers" that make honest, hard-working, fair-minded fathers like myself have to go through so much crap in court. You, like him, think it's okay to offer to pick up the kids from time "a" to time "b", but then come late (if at all), or drop them off early. YOU, like him, think yelling is the best way to teach a 3 year old. You, like him, put money before the kids, only worrying about your car payment, or your new g/f's bills. YOU, like him, even though you haven't paid hardly any mony in support for your kids, would have the nerve to ask the mom for diapers...
You would also leave your daughters alone with the mother with NO form of transportation, no mony, no food, no juice, and no phone... and go to stay with your g/f... JUST like he did. No thought of a possible emergency. You would also suggest trading sex for child support, as he did. AND when you actually live with your kids, you spend more time on the computer, and actually yell at the kids when they want attention.

Yeah I know you, Blonde Lebinese.... and deadbeat "fathers" just like you. You give good fathers like myself bad names... and guys like you stick in the memories of the judges when normal guys try to get a fair deal. You and my g/f's ex should have lunch... if either one of you showed up. Why not go to a fancy place, spend your kids food money there, lord knows it wouldn't bother you.

So save your biased, foolish, and sad "jerk shoes"... I am sure you have MANY more miles to walk in them.

Now, anyone with a brain, feel free to adress me anytime. Blonde, keep walking.

Lyle

EASY ANSWER :

Hey Fj1200guy "jerk" ,That's exactly what I Am referring to . Now that I have heard your egotistical mouth that spews out FALSEHOODS about me comparing me to what you believe to be another man in relationship to his children., I am confident that unless you and their mother are of the same type , your relationship won't work in reality.

FYI . I was robed of my fatherhood when my children were small, by my X Kidnapping them , and running off with a "jerk" ( just 1 of many ), not caring about my father/child(ren) relationships.
I put money on the table for kids diapers,& food , and her & her "jerks" drank it up . But of course you know me .............I know your type . Maybe I should tell you ?? nahhh I might incriminated myself ..

Stealth is correct,the children are the ones hurt the most !!

Maybe you can't see beyond your love affair .

A piece of reality . I was in love with my X within 2 weeks. It was good for a Yr. then guess what ?????

BTW learn how to spell college boy ..

 

[FJ1200guy]

Correct

Stealth, you are perfectly correct, and I agree with you 100%. Of course lets be honest... any relationship can go south even doing things as wisely and as carefully as we can, eh? I guess that is the risk we take. I, personally, try to minimize as much risk as I can. I think a big part is expectations, do you agree? Alot of folks, especially in the early stages of dating, tend to overlook possible issues with personalities, living arrangements, or even financial things. I was married for 11 years to my first wife, and when I started dating again... being older and smarter (I hope), I was amazed how tough it can be! Ah well, what else do we have? Thanks Stealth.

Now as for you Blonde Lebinese...
Soooooooooooo, you took the bait, eh? LOL... you act angry, almost as if you don't like me assuming all that stuff I said. That's funny, because you did the same exact thing with me. I call that hypocracy. You see, Blonde, you don't know me, yet you call me a jerk. But when I call you things, oh, you are all indignant!
Hope you learned a lesson... and no hard feelings from my end, I am sure you were a fine father. You're mistake is assuming things about things and relationships that, quite frankly, you know nothing of.
So relax, and look for positive things to focus on. I tell you what, Fathers need to stick together in this legal climate, or we'll all end up only seeing our kids every other weekend again! We'll be at the unreasonable mothers mercy ( NO not saying all moms are unreasonable... lol). Instead of attacking a dad before you know what's what, ask a few logical questions, and keep in mind typing is a pain and some guys can't explain well online.

Oh yeah, I don't need to learn to spell.... I need to learn to type. Once again you assume. Sometimes typing with one finger leads to TYPOS (not mis-spellings).

Lighten up dude, Lyle

 

[Kim328]

I also agree with Stealth. Try getting to know your girlfriend more without living together or getting married right away. She needs more time to get her ducks in a row. She needs to resolve her legal issues first. If the children belong to her boyfriend, then he should be paying child support, even if they are in the midst of a custody suit. The courts can award temporary support during the proceedings. Also be sure that she isn't wanting to settle down with you right away because of financial issues. It sounds like maybe she was having a hard time financially when her boyfriend left her, and the last thing she wants to do is become financially dependent on you. Those would be bad decisions to enter a relationship for. I know from my personal experience that becoming financially self sufficient and finding out my own identity made me a better partner for my current husband.

And, of course, the children will definitely be hurt the most should you all move in together and the relationship not work out.

I hope everything works out for you.

 

[FJ1200guy]

Thank you

I appreciate your comments, Kim. And of course I agree. I apologize for not being very good at explaining the whole situation... I'm not used to this type of forum, where complicated issues must be typed into a few paragraphs. It's hard to tell all that could be told, eh?
More info: Yes, she is going to school, for some of the reasons you've mentioned... she never wants to rely on anyone, which is understandable. She has always worked, since she was 15 or so, and made her own way. After her first child, she went back to work, and continued contributing to the household financially as well as cleaning, cooking, ect. You'll be amazed at what happened next... her b/f wanted to have another baby, to which she responded "Look, I just went back to work, got back in shape, we'll wait awhile, then discuss it". Well, before they had a chance to get situated with a child-birth method, he (against her wishes) didn't... ummmmmmmm not sure how to say this.... he didn't "pull out". If I offend anyone, I apologize.
So after taking a whole year of trying to have the first baby, the second only took one time. Ain't that life? Needless to say she was VERY upset. Don't mis-understand, she loves the baby but he took liberties that crushed her trust in him...
So now with 2 children, she thought it was best to stay home for awhile before going back to work... which makes sense to me. And even though he agreed with this, he still made her feel as if she was a freeloader, and that she was lazy ( always apologizing after he pushed this button of course), and that HE was the money maker. I'm sure you know how this can hurt.

ANYways, that's only a small part of the situation. I can't explain how good a woman she is, how strong and self reliant she is, or how we have been handling all our decisions. Funny how a woman can be so strong, yet so patient....

And having gone through my own court battles and dealing with my own failed first marriage... well, I am not stupid, trust me. I learn from my mistakes, that's for sure. And I gaurantee I won't let anything I do affect the welfare of my children or hers. And he may not know it, but I understand her ex's point of view, and plan on making sure we do things that he will be satisfied with. I really am not such a bad guy

I'm sorry, no more of this in here, feel free to email me for more conversation of this nature, I don't want to abuse the forum. My email is FrightspeedFJ@yahoo.com. My AOL name is Fast1200cc for anyone that likes talking on the buddy list.

And finally, Blonde, I hoestly didn't really mean anything I said, I was angry you judged me, and did the same back to see if you would "get it". Feel free to hate me.

Later, Lyle

 

[skyy]

I'm stepping out on a limb here in guessing by "no more" you were talking about your personal relationship with your beloved and not in reference to your first questions. If I'm wrong, oh well, this is the first time I've posted in months.

For my thoughts on full legal and physical custody...
She will have to give good reason as to why she should be the sole decision-maker for the children and why they should stay with her.

Maybe I'm being a devil's advocate, but a few questions come to mind.
- As to him leaving her with no transportation - if the vehicle was his, why would he need to leave it with her? Plenty of people get children to and from school, appointments, etc. by bus, taxi or friends.
- the cost of living is high...if the bills are in his name, why would he move somewhere else where he has to pay bills and still pay on a place where he's not living, especially if she's quite capable of finding a place for her and her children?
- Other than leaving her in a position to provide more on her end, what he has done to make a court decide he should not have legal rights and no physical custody of his children?
- A night shift may not be preferred, but depending on the age of the children, they may not really be affected. Someone has to work nights, plus it provides him an income. The same way you would watch her girls while she's at school, work or wherever is probably the same way his girlfriend, mom, baby-sitter would watch the girls while he works. That shift still leaves time during the day and weekend to spend time with his children.

Basically, unless he decides to agree to whatever terms your girlfriend wants, she needs to have something more solid to present to the court to support her petition.

 

[FJ1200guy]

Yep...

I like devils advocates!

"- As to him leaving her with no transportation - if the vehicle was his, why would he need to leave it with her? Plenty of people get children to and from school, appointments, etc. by bus, taxi or friends."

"His"? I guess I'm just used to how it always was with my spouse. It was never "mine" or "hers" it was always "ours". I believe that since she was taking all of the responsibilities of his children (including his daughter from a previous marriage), that he should at least be financially responsible. She could have been working, but they decided together for her to wait until the girls were older. And as for HER car, he drove it until it died, then bought HIS car, and left hers sitting in the parking lot.


"- the cost of living is high...if the bills are in his name, why would he move somewhere else where he has to pay bills and still pay on a place where he's not living, especially if she's quite capable of finding a place for her and her children?"

Because he is a fool. Instead of trying to get along with her, and sticking to the agreement they verbally had that he would maintain the household until she was done with school in May, he wanted to move in with his new g/f, who didn't like their arrangement.

I'll answer the others soon, I have to run.
Thanks for the interest!

 

[FJ1200guy]

Okay, sorry

Had to go do a few things, but as I was saying...

"- Other than leaving her in a position to provide more on her end, what he has done to make a court decide he should not have legal rights and no physical custody of his children?"

Well, since she moved out, he hasn't paid any support. As a paying father, to me this is the worst. Next, he has 2 days off a week, but doesn't want them then, he wants them on 2 days that he works... and from experience she knows how he will go to sleep, leaving someone else to watch the kids. Trust me, I have nothing against the guy, but any rational person would wonder about the wisdom of leaving a 3 and 1 year old alone with him. I mean no malice, but it is a fact.

"- A night shift may not be preferred, but depending on the age of the children, they may not really be affected. Someone has to work nights, plus it provides him an income. The same way you would watch her girls while she's at school, work or wherever is probably the same way his girlfriend, mom, baby-sitter would watch the girls while he works. That shift still leaves time during the day and weekend to spend time with his children."

I could care less what shift he works, but the fact remains, you cannot watch children 1 and 3 when you work nights. And having a g/f doesn't hold water with the courts, this I know from experience.

Bottom line is this: He is not a terrible guy. I think he should get as much time as he wants with his girls... but I don't think he should pick them up and dump them off at his sisters, or put them in un-safe conditions. To him, the girls are a way to mess with his ex. Period. I am pro-father (being one), but this is the way it is, and I can't type everything needed to convince everyone.

But the court will decide. She WILL get full physical custody, he will get joint legal. That's the only things I am sure of.

Later, Sky, and thanks for asking.