Enough already a message to CP's

[Flusstered]

What is the name of your state? PA
Why is it that the NCP was good enough to produce the child with, in some cases, supported the family, or at the very least helped with the support of that family, is good enough to get CS from every month, but isn't good enough to visit their child when a COURT says they can? It baffles me that so many CP's want to totally eliminate the ex from everything just because the marriage s*cked. When will parents stop using their children as pawns to get even with the ex? Don't they see, the child is the ONLY one that suffers? Nobody said you had to like your ex, I for one hate mine, but, no matter what our differences were or are, I will not use my child(ren) as pawns to get "even" with him. We live in a society where half of all marriages end in divorce. Don't we want better for our children? Don't you see our actions now will impact them for the rest of their lives? Do we really want them to follow in our footsteps? I know I want better for my daughter. A child is not a bargaining chip. It's tough enough for them that their parents aren't together. As they get older, they'll figure out if one parent or another or both are people they don't want to be around. What does a 4, 5, 8 or 10 year old know about those things? Let them have parents. Good bad or indifferent, they're still Mom and Dad. Just had to get that off my chest.

 

[MBMom]

That may be your situation, but it's not the same for everyone. I've been the primary custodial parent for my son for the past four years. I'm the one that wanted to split with my ex, and ever since then he has tried to use my son to get back at me for hurting him, and he was NOT the CP. I've done nothing but tried to keep the peace, but I guess he can't get over it. Most of the time we got along, but now that I know the truth, he's been planning revenge since we broke up FOUR years ago. My son is currently with me and each time my son says something about doing something fun, it never fails that he'll find a negative aspect and let my son know. "Oh, the beach was fun? Well, did you know there's sharks in the water that attack people?" "Your friend Johnny wishes he could play with you. Too bad you're not here." Anything so my son isn't happy with me.

I know MAJORITY of the cases are that the custodial parents have the upper hand and use it the wrong way, but that's not always the case. Give some of us credit!

*Sorry...I know you were just venting...so was I.

 

[Flusstered]

Point taken

No offense taken. I do understand not all CP's fall into that category, some NCP's can be real SOB's. But so many posts here come from CP's asking how to take things away from their exes. The children are the one's who inevitably lose.

 

[nicolesmom]

It baffles me that so many CP's want to totally eliminate the ex from everything just because the marriage s*cked. When will parents stop using their children as pawns to get even with the ex? Don't they see, the child is the ONLY one that suffers?

I totally agree with you flusstered. My husband has the ex from he!!. She has no idea what her actions do to the children or doesn't care. She would like him out of the picture completely so she can have her perfect little world without him in it.

On the other hand, regarding me and my ex-husband, I am the CP for our daughter. I would never use her to get back at him for all the crap he put me through and is still putting me through. Regardless of how I feel about him, I zip my mouth (which is VERY hard to do sometimes).

Venting is good....

 

[stealth2]

For every crappy CP, there is a crappy NCP out there.

 

[tigger22472]

No offense taken. I do understand not all CP's fall into that category, some NCP's can be real SOB's. But so many posts here come from CP's asking how to take things away from their exes. The children are the one's who inevitably lose.

I'm going to agree with you on this one. I'm a CP. I'm also a CP who is officially having the NCP's rights terminated in just a few weeks. HOWEVER... this was after lots of soul searching. I tried to get the NCP to have a relationship with his children and he chose not to and hasn't in almost 3 years. My state allows you to TPR after one year, no contact, no support. Not only was I not here the day after my divorce here looking to get the TPR I didn't do anything the second the one year was up. I believe that there are instances where a TPR is warrented and in the best intrest of the children but it seems to have become the new fad. People lose site of their children and it turns into nothing but revenge ON BOTH SIDES sometimes.

 

[caligirl73]

Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said


I love that!!! Its so incrediby true. I am the CP in my situation with my ex. All he ever does is rock the boat, so to speak. He can never leave well enough alone. He is on his 3rd marriage, and our daughter is totally confused still about what happened with wife #2!! She is only 5 yrs. old and I cannot imagine why my ex would think she would understand his jumping from wife to wife!! Not all CP's are out to "get" the NCP's so to speak, but most NCP's are in the wrong. I do feel bad for my daughter though, seeing is how she has to deal with my ex and his wifehopping. She is the one who will suffer in the end, not so much he or I.

 

[stealth2]

most NCP's are in the wrong.

Oh for Christ's sake. "Most" NCP's are NOT in the wrong. Just like "most" CP's are NOT out to get the NCP. Quit stereotyping, quit generalizing, pull your head out of your a$$. There are as many GOOD NCPs as there are GOOD CPs. It's the bad apples on both sides that spoil the barrel.

 

[caligirl73]

Wow, dont have to get so pissed off. Sorry that you dont agree with me, but seeing as how I have many friends and family members that are either the CP or the NCP, just seeing how the NCP acts is enough to turn my stomach. I am not trying to piss anyone off, just making a general statement regarding what I have seen. Wow, need to take a PMS pill or something???

 

[Flusstered]

I was in no way attempting to attack all CP's. I know without a doubt that some NCP's out there are NCP's for a reason. I give credit where credit is due to the mothers and fathers who struggle day to day to support and love their children without the help of the other party who made that child. And there are many valid reasons for some CP's to do whatever it takes to make sure the best interest of their child is provided. But day after day I log onto this forum and read over and over from these angry, poor, poor me posters on how do I get sole custody, how do I terminate his/her rights? I'm an NCP not because I didn't want my children, but because I knew in the beginning, because I left the marriage, that my ex could provide better for them than I. That doesn't make me an awful person, broke maybe, but not awful. Yet at every turn my ex has attempted to totally eliminate me from their lives. I could have hauled him into court so many times for contempt my lawyer could have quit practicing and retired. Yet what would have that accomplished? More bad feelings and more confusion for the children... e.i. who's right, who's wrong. But, if the tables were turned, I would want my children to have as much time with my ex as possible. He may have been a crappy husband, and in some cases a crappy person too, but he is still their father. As they get older, they can form their own opinion of him as a father, man and person. That's not my place. I just hope some of the CP's out there, and you know who you are, will read this and think about who in the end suffers. The very children you say you're trying to love and protect.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

For every crappy CP, there is a crappy NCP out there.

HEY NOW!!!!!!! I resemble that remark

 

[stealth2]

Wow, dont have to get so pissed off. Sorry that you dont agree with me, but seeing as how I have many friends and family members that are either the CP or the NCP, just seeing how the NCP acts is enough to turn my stomach. I am not trying to piss anyone off, just making a general statement regarding what I have seen. Wow, need to take a PMS pill or something???

Not at all. But if you spend even a little time exploring the rest of the world of divorce and custody, you'll find that it's not as black and white as "most NCP's are in the wrong." The generalizations do absolutely no good except to widen an already large chasm.

 

[frylover]

I could write a book on how my husband's ex has destroyed what little relationship he had with his child---in his case it was nearly non-existent before the divorce because she treated him like an NCP while they were married--she regarded the child as "hers" from day one. After years of trying her best to make their daughter not want to have anything to do with my husband she then had the nerve to try tell him "you know, she misses you and she needs you"

I could also, however, write a book on how my husband rolled over and let his ex walk all over him, treat him like a second class citizen and an intruder in his daughter's life. By the time he decided to stand up to her we were told by a lawyer it was probably too late, all he'd get was a increase in child support and a long, drawn out court battle that he'd probably lose because the judge would listen to his daughter spew back the garbage she'd been fed and not force her to see him (Of course, what I"ve learned here clearly indicates that may NOT have been correct information). I love him dearly but he made lots of mistakes in his situation.

So in short, neither of my step-daughter's parents exactly did right by her--one out of spite and one out of gutlessness. One thing I have to say is that my husband has NEVER said anything negative about his ex to his child. SHE can't say the same.

 

[nextwife]

When considering all this, one has to be aware of the following fact: A female who has no interest in becoming a parent but finds themselvs faced with a pregnancy has OPTIONS available to them that the NCP does NOT. There are choices she can make to put off parenting if she really wants to.Therefore. it is easy to understand that more females who choose to parent outside a relationship may have WANTED the pregnancy, therefore rmay in some cases relate differently to the child than the NCP who may have felt cheated or trapped. Honestly, my daughter's biomom did NOT want to parent, so she dumped her at the orphanage. I do not know the history. But she had a choice to NOT become a parent. We don't give the males any options after conception.

 

[caligirl73]

When considering all this, one has to be aware of the following fact: A female who has no interest in becoming a parent but finds themselvs faced with a pregnancy has OPTIONS available to them that the NCP does NOT. There are choices she can make to put off parenting if she really wants to.Therefore. it is easy to understand that more females who choose to parent outside a relationship may have WANTED the pregnancy, therefore rmay in some cases relate differently to the child than the NCP who may have felt cheated or trapped. Honestly, my daughter's biomom did NOT want to parent, so she dumped her at the orphanage. I do not know the history. But she had a choice to NOT become a parent. We don't give the males any options after conception.

I agree that females have more options about not becoming a parent over males. But males do have a choice whether or not they want to become a parent too, its called a condom or abstenance. Kudos to you though for being an adoptive parent, there are so many children out there who get dumped by their bio "mothers" and need loving homes.