Ex-Husband Fiancee Overstepping?

[Badhead]

What is the name of your state? Minnesota

My ex-husband has been seeing a woman for about 6 years now. They are engaged but are not married yet. Since this woman has come into our lives; there have been nothing but problems for me. I have physical custody of our son and we have joint legal custody. This past February, my ex took me to court trying to get full custody based on a bunch of bullsh**. And the Judge agreed it was a retaliation thing. The thing is: Ever since this woman has been around, which is a long time now, there has been a lot of tension in all the relationships. In her Affidavit for Court, she said I was crazy...literally. She has also told my son that. Real nice, huh??

Let me say this: My son is my world.....he is the most important person to me by far and he knows that. My son does NOT like this woman either. She is very, very pushy and bossy.

Anyway...on to my point....since last year, she has been coming to teacher/parent conferences and getting involved with the school. She has even volunteered for some events. Which is fine, I guess. My question, though, is: does she have any right to my son's school records or to even call his teacher/school about anything?? Even if she marries my ex, will she have that right?

Last night my ex, son, and I were to meet with a possible daycare provider for this summer, and who does my ex bring? HER!! She's getting way, way too involved in affairs that have nothing to do with her at all. And she doesn't just sit there...she asks questions and acts like she's part of the decision process.

If you haven't guessed by now, her and I do NOT like each other. I tolerated her before the Court thing. But, since then, she won't even acknowledge my presence or say "Hello" or anything. She's very rude, and the more I can keep her out of things, the better I'll feel.

Please, does anyone have any input here? I want her to back off. She's very pushy and I don't like it.

Thanks for any input!!


Badhead

 

[ktarra617]

This woman has no rights to anything legally having to do with your son. She legally cannot make decisions for your son. She legally has no right to call his school.

However if your exhusband has told your child's school to talk to her then there is not a lot the school can do about it. Your ex can bring her to any meetings that he wants to. She only has as much authority as your ex gives her.

I agree with you that she is way overstepping her bounds. I have been a stepmom for over 5 years now and I wouldn't DARE show up at a meeting for my stepdaughter(unless I was asked to be there). Not that I don't care. I do care and believe me I have an opinion on what should be done, BUT it is not my place. My husband is perfectly capable of handling his ex and her husband and doesn't need me there.

I would seriously think about consulting an attorney. While you cannot keep your child from interacting with his future stepmom, you could seek to limit her involvement in the legal ends, schooling, drs, and the like by court order.

I would document everything she does. Talk to the school secretary and ask her if you can to log any and all conversations they have with this woman.

Document everytime she shows up a meeting pertaining to the child!!

The key here is document document, document.

There is nothing wrong with her volunteering at the school but it seems to me that she is trying to set herself up as the new mom in an attempt to show the court that your son would be better off with your ex and her.

I would explore what your legal options are at this point, as your not looking to limit your ex's involvement just his future wife.

Good luck!

 

[djohnson]

Although I agree that legally she has no rights and she may not sound like nice person, there are two sides to every story. I am a step mother and bio mother. When my SS was growing up I was just as involved in parent teacher conferences and PTO's and his activities as his bio parents were. Fortunately this was not a problem for us, we all liked it that way. I may think of a different line of questioning to ask that could only benefit the child. I never tried to take over being the mother but wanted my own bond as his step mom. If she has been involved in his life for that long, morally, not legally, I think it is a good thing. You state yourself you don't even try to tolerate her after the court thing. I think a lot of the animosity is on your part and could cause more problems for you son than her volunteering at his school. For just a moment, turn the tables and if you married someone with children wouldn't you want him to be involved in your childs life or would you want o exclude him from the important things? Wouldn't you want to get to know his children and try and form a bond with them? Wouldn't you want to make sure they were in the best daycare? went to the best doctors?

I know legally is different, but wanted to try and explain as an involved step mom that it is not necessarily a bad thing.

 

[Badhead]

Thanks for the responses. I understand that you wanted me to see both sides. Trust me, the animosity is not on my side. I've tried to be friendly with her all along. She is the unfriendly one. I don't think the second person really read my post very well.

This woman has "bad mouthed" me to my son. She has told him I'm literally crazy and I can't handle taking care of my son. I know she has said more than that. There is much, much more that has happened that I've not included here, since I didn't want to write a book.

She will not look me in the eye, acknowledge my presence, etc. I say hello, etc. I've tried to be friendly. I totally agree! A stable, responsible woman would be wonderful to have in my son's life. Someone who really cares about his well-being. Can't have too many people who love you, etc.

But, she is overstepping the boundaries and I'm wondering what I can do about that. She has totally walked over my ex and is trying to take over. It scares me.

I've delivered information to my ex regarding our son's medical expenses in the past, and she feels it is her RIGHT to read it. Now, perhaps my ex gives her that right, but I don't. She grabbed it out of my hand and started reading it.

I was just wondering if I could call the school and ask that they NOT give her (specifically her) any information regarding my son. That is my question.

Thanks!!


Badhead

 

[krispenstpeter]

But, she is overstepping the boundaries and I'm wondering what I can do about that. She has totally walked over my ex and is trying to take over. It scares me.

Until your ex grows some balls, not a thing. What he allows is not for you to control.

 

[Eurynome]

Other than pissing you off, is it really hurting anyone physically or emotionally by the woman in your exes life by taking an active interest in your child's life? Probably not. Maybe she is doing it to piss you off, but maybe- just MAYBE, she actually cares about your son and wants to be apart of his life!!!!

I would chill out, it may piss you off- be rest assure, she has no LEGAL rights, but she is trying to be there for your child. Let it be and do not make such an issue about it!

 

[cdhmayhem]

I know just how you feel and I understand the frustration you feel. If this woman was just trying to form a bond with your child and cared about the best interest then she would start by being civil to you, the mother. She has shown that she has no respect for you and unless your child is in a vacuum, I'm sure this has been noticed. I wish you luck with this woman, she isn't doing this for your child but for herself.

 

[tammy8]

SIX years you say...

Isn't it about time you put your child first and get over the fact? I mean six yrs ago, I was not welcomed at any of my steps stuff and was told to my face point blank. However, thank gosh the bm and myself grew up enough to know that we all could be part of raising the kids and not cause the kids any stress.

Did I say that there isn't times that I didn't say things I shouldn't have? Nope. Did I say that there were times that bm didn't say things she shouldn't have? Nope however again, being a parent or even a stepparent is a growing proces. Heck my parents have been married for over 40 yrs and they still say things they shouldn't. It called being an adult and accepting what you can't change and what you can.

My advice is learn to not sweat the small things. Be the better person and learn the saying "Well".

Good luck and hopefully your child will grow up emotionally healthy and happy....but you (and future SM) need to learn to let a lot go.

 

[Badhead]

Interesting replies. Thanks for responding to me. I totally understand where you are coming from when saying my son's emotional wellbeing and stability, etc., are important. Also, that he is and knows he is loved by all.

However, my question was if she could "legally" get his school records or talk at all with school employees (namely my son's teachers).

That's what I wanted to know.


Thanks.


Badhead

 

[Meursault]

Until your ex grows some balls, not a thing. What he allows is not for you to control.

Do you remember the above quote? THAT'S the reality. Your ex can give his fiancee permission to the information. You still have no say in the matter regarding the rights he allows someone else to have.

 

[Badhead]

Okay. That's the reality. Thanks.

I really do appreciate all your comments. You have helped me sort through this.



Badhead

 

[Danskym]

as a step mom to my husbands dughter, he did have to give me premission to be able to get her (both school and medical ) to be able to sign for her at the doctors and at school. Even if you really dont like her, he has ( or maybe not) given her premission to do tehse things. Trust me, I know its not easy especially if you and future step mom dont get along, but if he lets her then there really is nothing that you can do. As you stated you both habve joint custody, so if you want some advice, be really nice to her smile and say hello. ( i know when I do it to daughter birth mom she gets totally upset)

 

[kcs00]

you say that your main concern is the stepmom having access the the childs school records and talking the his teachers. Well have you ever thought that if something was to happen to the child at school and the only person available to get the child would be the stepmom then you would just want your child to sit at school and wait because you dont want the stepmom to have anything to do with the school. thats not thinking about the chils best interest.

 

[ChevyGirl]

Without receiving a lashing for giving MHO, I would like to say that I am a step-parent and bio-parent and I get involved in everything I can when it comes to my step-daughter (she lives with me now, but I mean before). I didn't do it to make bio-mom mad or upset things, but I wanted to be a part of her life too. I felt like when I married my husband (and even pre-marriage) that we had dedicated our lives to each other and we shared everything, even his daughter. And I mean in a sense that we shared the same interest and love for her. I am sure it is rough, but when you start getting really pissed about it, maybe you could think about it being better that she wants to be part of his life rather then being horribly mean to him. Just trying to look at the bright side I guess. LOL

 

[Courtney's Mom]

I feel for you....... I have a similar situation, but I stopped it before it got started..... People on here seem to forget that not every one is a perfect person.... there are step-parents out there that are just nasty, no matter what you do or say..... There must just be lots of disgruntled non-custodial parents posting on here.......