Ex-Husband Fiancee Overstepping?

[djohnson]

The difference is most of us here are in both situations and can see both ways. I know there are a lot of nasty step parents out there, but there are also a lot of nasty jealous bio parents that are mad because the ex has someone else. It works both ways. In most instances the other person can say just as many things about the other to make them look bad. What they both need to realize is what is best for the kids and I don't see how extra love and extra attention can hurt the child.

 

[MBMom]

Since this woman has come into our lives; there have been nothing but problems for me. I have physical custody of our son and we have joint legal custody. This past February, my ex took me to court trying to get full custody based on a bunch of bullsh**. And the Judge agreed it was a retaliation thing. The thing is: Ever since this woman has been around, which is a long time now, there has been a lot of tension in all the relationships. In her Affidavit for Court, she said I was crazy...literally. She has also told my son that. Real nice, huh??

Anyway...on to my point....since last year, she has been coming to teacher/parent conferences and getting involved with the school. She has even volunteered for some events. Which is fine, I guess. My question, though, is: does she have any right to my son's school records or to even call his teacher/school about anything?? Even if she marries my ex, will she have that right?

Last night my ex, son, and I were to meet with a possible daycare provider for this summer, and who does my ex bring? HER!! She's getting way, way too involved in affairs that have nothing to do with her at all. And she doesn't just sit there...she asks questions and acts like she's part of the decision process.

If you haven't guessed by now, her and I do NOT like each other. I tolerated her before the Court thing. But, since then, she won't even acknowledge my presence or say "Hello" or anything. She's very rude, and the more I can keep her out of things, the better I'll feel.

Based off SOME of the things you mentioned, I can understand how you must feel. Lots of people are going to jump to conclusions and assume you're jealous of her or some other stupid reason because of course it's not possible that YOU could've been the one who didn't want to be with HIM. I am the one who broke it off with my ex. It wasn't a knock down drag out match, but it took him a year to get over it and stop begging me to work it out. I was THRILLED when he finally started dating. Over the past four years, he has dated five different women, some of which were just like you're describing your ex's current gf. One in particular had a little girl, who's dad up and left her. She immediately started playing "house" only two weeks into dating, and it bothered me because she was trying to make TOO many decisions regarding my son. It was HARD to bite my tongue about things, but finally my ex saw it and broke it off. She turned out to be psycho, which my ex agreed to. Now he is currently with a woman who I just think is great. I don't have a close relationship with her by any means, but I've seen her with my son and she's WONDERFUL. My son also thinks the world of her. Yes, she's always around at school functions, sports, etc but she never interferes when it comes to parenting between my ex and I. Of course, she's always been there if my ex has needed her to be and it's comforting for me to know.

I agree that a stepparent should definitely be involved with the child...they'll be raising them too. But when it comes to the decision making, I think if both bio parents are actively involved and share legal custody, THEY should be making the decisions, not the stepparent. Isn't that the reason they were given joint "legal" custody?

I think it's wrong of her to talk badly about you in front of your son, and I also think it's wrong of her to ignore you in front of your son. Actions like that are what makes things more difficult for the kids.

The one thing I think is kind of petty is your issue with her having access to school records and things. I would assume there's nothing in a child's school records that needs to be kept secret from the stepparent. The way I see it, if all involved are knowledgable of my son's school progress, problems, etc, there's that much more of a chance for them to help in anything the child may be needing. The same goes for medical records. My son has a sever allergy to peanuts, and has had issues with his ears. I think it's good for my ex's gf to know these things. After all, my ex and I entrust our son to her. The more she knows about my son, the better.

 

[djohnson]

I wish you would have posted the whole thing and not just what fits your scenerio. I am a bio parent and a step parent, and feel I can understand both sides. I know there are extremes and fortunately, mine isn't. But I think mine isn't because of how we handle it and that is my point. I think the OP has just as many issues as the step mom. see notes

What is the name of your state? Minnesota

My ex-husband has been seeing a woman for about 6 years now. They are engaged but are not married yet.


***Long term, long time to have been with son.

Since this woman has come into our lives; there have been nothing but problems for me.

***Not problems for son, but for ex wife.


I have physical custody of our son and we have joint legal custody. This past February, my ex took me to court trying to get full custody based on a bunch of bullsh**.
And the Judge agreed it was a retaliation thing.

***Atleast he wants to spend time with his son and she supports him. He wants to be a part of his sons life. I understand it bothers you because you see at he was trying to take your son away from you, however try to look at as he was trying to be more apart of his son's life.


The thing is: Ever since this woman has been around, which is a long time now, there has been a lot of tension in all the relationships.

***Obviously not all her fault.


In her Affidavit for Court, she said I was crazy...literally.

***When trying to get custody of a child many things are said. I'm sure you did go on and on about how nice she and your ex are and what wonderful parents they would make.


She has also told my son that. Real nice, huh??

***What have you said about her to your son?

Let me say this: My son is my world.....he is the most important person to me by far and he knows that. My son does NOT like this woman either.

***Is that his feelings ? Why doesn't he like her? What have you done to try and make it a better relationship?


She is very, very pushy and bossy.

***Most parents are. It goes with the job. My ten year old thinks I am too just because I make her do her homework and pick up her room. That's not a good reason. It's your feelings that are coming through and the only reason he can come up with to satisfy you because he knows it's what you want to hear (not for sure, but giving a different side of it)

Anyway...on to my point....since last year, she has been coming to teacher/parent conferences and getting involved with the school. She has even volunteered for some events. Which is fine, I guess. My question, though, is: does she have any right to my son's school records or to even call his teacher/school about anything?? Even if she marries my ex, will she have that right?

Last night my ex, son, and I were to meet with a possible daycare provider for this summer, and who does my ex bring? HER!! She's getting way, way too involved in affairs that have nothing to do with her at all. And she doesn't just sit there...she asks questions and acts like she's part of the decision process.


***I see nothing wrong with this. I see it as extra love and attention he gets. You should be happy about that. It comes off to me as a mother who doesn't want to share her son, afraid he can't love you both, afraid of many things that aren't her fault.

If you haven't guessed by now, her and I do NOT like each other.


***As much your fault as hers

I tolerated her before the Court thing.

***And so now you what? You don't even try? Because they wanted to be a larger part of your childs life? I think this starts showing where you are as much at fault.



But, since then, she won't even acknowledge my presence or say "Hello" or anything.

***Do you to her?

She's very rude, and the more I can keep her out of things, the better I'll feel.

***Again its about you and not your son. How is keeping her out of things better for your son?

Please, does anyone have any input here? I want her to back off. She's very pushy and I don't like it.

Thanks for any input!!


Badhead

Try thinking about it from the outside looking in.

 

[MBMom]

Well put, DJ!

Having it mapped out like that can really make you see what the problems are and what the OP SHOULD do to ease the situation and at least TRY to make it better.

 

[Badhead]

Very interesting dialogue! Of course, you all are basing opinions of the situation on what I've said so far and not the whole situation. But, that's okay. I know the truth of the situation and that's what counts.

I just wanted to know if she could "legally" get school information. A simple question. I just gave a little background to help "paint a picture". I really don't care if you agree with my opinion/reasoning or not.

But, I do appreciate getting feedback. It's always good to get others' opinions. But, I still make my own judgment in the end.

Thanks again!


Badhead

 

[MBMom]

Of course, you all are basing opinions of the situation on what I've said so far and not the whole situation.

You're right...we WERE responding based off what you said, isn't that all we can do?

I know the truth of the situation and that's what counts.

The truth, huh? If there was any worse incriminating evidence, besides what you already said, against this stepmom that could help you make us dislike her as you do, you would've stated it!

I just wanted to know if she could "legally" get school information. A simple question.

As for your question, per your situation, why the heck does it matter? That's why everyone is offering their opinions. If she legally could NOT have access to them, where were you planning to go with that? Quit helping make things worse!

 

[djohnson]

Please, does anyone have any input here? I want her to back off. She's very pushy and I don't like it.

Thanks for any input!!


Badhead


****This was your question, you asked for input and that is what you received. No matter if you like it or not he can give her that right. You are making yourself into the bitter person, you making it all about you and not about the child. You have to see that people don't fight for custody normally just to make the other bio parent mad. They obviously feel they have more to offer. The judge didn't see that you were unfit and change custody, but that doesn't mean they are unfit either. If I was you I would be careful, they can use stuff against you in the future and try again. You should have what is best for you son your first priority, and you seem to have what is best for you instead.

 

[tab62]

Married question

This woman has no rights to anything legally having to do with your son. She legally cannot make decisions for your son. She legally has no right to call his school.

However if your exhusband has told your child's school to talk to her then there is not a lot the school can do about it. Your ex can bring her to any meetings that he wants to. She only has as much authority as your ex gives her.

I agree with you that she is way overstepping her bounds. I have been a stepmom for over 5 years now and I wouldn't DARE show up at a meeting for my stepdaughter(unless I was asked to be there). Not that I don't care. I do care and believe me I have an opinion on what should be done, BUT it is not my place. My husband is perfectly capable of handling his ex and her husband and doesn't need me there.

I would seriously think about consulting an attorney. While you cannot keep your child from interacting with his future stepmom, you could seek to limit her involvement in the legal ends, schooling, drs, and the like by court order.

I would document everything she does. Talk to the school secretary and ask her if you can to log any and all conversations they have with this woman.

Document everytime she shows up a meeting pertaining to the child!!

The key here is document document, document.

There is nothing wrong with her volunteering at the school but it seems to me that she is trying to set herself up as the new mom in an attempt to show the court that your son would be better off with your ex and her.

I would explore what your legal options are at this point, as your not looking to limit your ex's involvement just his future wife.

Good luck!

I've been told the same thing by my step-daughter's father. However, I am married to my step-daugher's mother and the main income provider. Am I just a walking paycheck for my step-daugher? She is 15 and told me that she doesn't have to listen me and even can tell me to go to hell. Now my life is living hell and she is the queen of the house and does what ever she wants to do. I had hope that getting her anything that she wanted would make her respect me but I was so wrong once she turn 14!

 

[ChevyGirl]

I've been told the same thing by my step-daughter's father. However, I am married to my step-daugher's mother and the main income provider. Am I just a walking paycheck for my step-daugher? She is 15 and told me that she doesn't have to listen me and even can tell me to go to hell. Now my life is living hell and she is the queen of the house and does what ever she wants to do. I had hope that getting her anything that she wanted would make her respect me but I was so wrong once she turn 14!

AMEN!!

I also wanted to add that when a child is in the presence of an adult, most times, that person is expected to discipline the child. And in that respect, I mean if you see a 4 year old stick her head in the toilet, whether you are mom, dad, aunt, uncle, friend, neighbor, stranger, the President, or whomever, you tell the kid to get out of the toilet. OF COURSE she seems bossy to him. He has to listen to her and respect her because that is part of being in an adult's home, even if you do not live there. That is the problem with the world today, children are not tought respect. Is there some sort of dicipline (or as you said being bossy) that she exerts around him that you wouldn't let say your babysitter, your mom, your sisters, or anyone else that would be left to care for him in a babysitting fashion????? By argreeing with him that she is bossy, you are only fueling a fire to cause more problems between him and her. I bet if you acted like you liked her, it would MORE then ease any tension that he (yoru son) feels towards her. I know it seems in your mind that we are all attacking you, we don't know the real story, if only we were in your shoes, etc. but we are trying to open another viewpoint for you that you missed, in which, if you accept these very informed opinions, whether they make you uneasy or not, you will be inevitibly making like so much easier on your son and that's all that matters in the end right?

 

[Badhead]

Truly sorry for offending you. Wasn't my intention. Thanks again for input. Really.



Badhead