Ex is in control

[survive1]

What is the name of your state? CA
I have been divorced for 6 years and was given custody of my son who was 18 months old at the time. A year later, I agreed to share custody giving father 50/50 with me because he wanted to be an active father. We went to mediation and worked out even and odd year holiday visitation but since we had an awkward 3/2 split during the rest of the year, the mediator put
per verbal agreement" as the visitation addendum and no child support. For two years, we shared visitation using a 3/2 split with everything going fairly well for my son with only a few no shows from my ex but really no arguments on caring and raising our son properly. When my son turned five and started school, the split became difficult and although convenient for my ex and I, needed a change to keep school and home life stable. My ex did not agree so we continued this visitation for another year until I started seeing a pattern from my ex and found out he was not picking up my son regularly from daycare and having his family basically care for my son during his time while he coached and did whatever. I approached him about this and he became defensive with is word and agreements soon backfiring to where he has become very unpredictable. Being that I am from Maryland and have no family support here or mate, I started suffering from his manipulative acts by having to call in sick for a whole week to stay home with my sick son because he was nowhere to be found, no show for last Easter break when I had airline tickets to leave on vacation, renigs on holiday visitation when I picked my son up, he forbade me to see him closing the door on my face with my son crying in the back, calling the police on me and me going crazy because the court document states verbal agreement and I can't prove him wrong. I took him to court last summer to get this verbal agreement out and put solid valid dates behind it so to create stability and avoid communication using 4,000 dollars of my summer money that I saved for living (I am a teacher) His lawyer maliciously used every slander known to mankind to make me out to be the problem and my lawyer, who said leave it to me and let me handle it, watched like it wasn't his case. An argument broke out before our trial and our case went ahead and I was immediately placed on the stand. Nothing about our agreement was mentioned and nothing was changed except that I got 40 dollars a month for cs. He won and now he runs my life. He does whatever he wants. He has never paid a cs payment since last july. We now have week on week off but just the other day, his girlfriend for the last year or so picked up my son from daycare forging her name as his last name and never called me to tell me. He won't give me his new address or phone number , only a cell number that he never answers. I filed a police report but I can't prove it was my day. His fiancee is buying my son off with new clothes, and music styles and my ex has not allowed phone contact with my son and I during his time ever since the court date last july. My son comes to me angry, back talks me and shows off what his stepmom bought for him all the time. He shows little emotion towards me the first couple of days and I become sick to my stomach. I know he is confused but it is hurting our relationship and takes at least 2 days for him to readjust. He always apologizes and I feel so bad because I know it isn't his fault. My ex tells me to get used to it and offers no help, unreachable during his visits and in medical emergencies..says I am on my own. I can't take it anymore and I have just recently seen a therapist who is appalled with the courts allowing this. I am losing it, becoming depressed and I want my family but they are 3000 miles away. I can't do this alone anymore but I don't know where to turn...all of my efforts have ended in disasters. Anyone's advice would truly be appreciated.

 

[abstract99]

He won't give me his new address or phone number , only a cell number that he never answers. I filed a police report but I can't prove it was my day. His fiancee is buying my son off with new clothes, and music styles and my ex has not allowed phone contact with my son and I during his time ever since the court date last july. My son comes to me angry, back talks me and shows off what his stepmom bought for him all the time. He shows little emotion towards me the first couple of days and I become sick to my stomach. I know he is confused but it is hurting our relationship and takes at least 2 days for him to readjust. He always apologizes and I feel so bad because I know it isn't his fault. My ex tells me to get used to it and offers no help, unreachable during his visits and in medical emergencies..says I am on my own. I can't take it anymore and I have just recently seen a therapist who is appalled with the courts allowing this. I am losing it, becoming depressed and I want my family but they are 3000 miles away. I can't do this alone anymore but I don't know where to turn...all of my efforts have ended in disasters. Anyone's advice would truly be appreciated.

Ok so first of all go to the day care provider and inform them that only bio mom and mio dad are to pick up child early. Make sure that they have all of your contact info in the even they need to contact you cuz fiance came around.
Dad can have whoever he wants watch the kid unless you have in writing otherwize. As for the clothes, there is nothing you can do about it. You ex is also entiled to not take his visitatation if he so wishes. Next time he doesn't feel like watching the kid so he can go party with this woman (and tust me this is probably the case) give him these 2 options.

1) Tell him you have already made plans since you were not anticipating to watch the child and he will have to find someont to watch him for him.
2) Inform him that you are making full documentation of these events and if he wishes to continue to be a father whenever it is convienient for him then perhaps he should allow the custody to be changed to where he has the kid every other weekend.

 

[abstract99]

Oh and check the court records he is supposed to have his current address on file at all times.

 

[shari36]

re-

Im sure you are allowed phone contact with your child during other parents visitation, I would demand it and re read your court papers he might be in contempt.
Shari

 

[bsilva642]

Thanks for replying to me. I don't have much for you, because the CA courts haven't officially recognized PAS, or Parental Alienation Syndrome, but I do know that it is cause for immediate removal of custody, depending on the courts. Your case sounds severe like mine. We also split week to week. I never get a phone call, medical, or emergency. He cuts her hair, takes her out of town, whatever, no phone call. We also have alternating holidays, and every holiday is a nightmare. On easter I was not allowed to pick up my daughter until 1201 am, because technically that was my day! No kidding. I am not allowed to pick up my own daughter from preschool either, because his girlfriend is on the emergency contact, and not me. That is something else I am fighting. My best advice is find an attorney that is aware of the syndrome I told you about and go at it that way. The courts do recognize the behavioral pattern, just not the terminology. Also if you look up PAS on a search engine, you will get vital information that sounds way too familiar. Maybe it will be a little insight. It was helpful for me. Good luck to you, and just know that Dad and girlfriend are trying to hurt you, through your child, the best retaliation is kindness, never let them see you sweat, and just take it to them in the courtroom. Good luck!

 

[survive1]

Thank you

Ok so first of all go to the day care provider and inform them that only bio mom and mio dad are to pick up child early. Make sure that they have all of your contact info in the even they need to contact you cuz fiance came around.
Dad can have whoever he wants watch the kid unless you have in writing otherwize. As for the clothes, there is nothing you can do about it. You ex is also entiled to not take his visitatation if he so wishes. Next time he doesn't feel like watching the kid so he can go party with this woman (and tust me this is probably the case) give him these 2 options.

1) Tell him you have already made plans since you were not anticipating to watch the child and he will have to find someont to watch him for him.
2) Inform him that you are making full documentation of these events and if he wishes to continue to be a father whenever it is convienient for him then perhaps he should allow the custody to be changed to where he has the kid every other weekend.

Thank you for the great information. I just have one question about the daycare. If I override the fiancee from picking up my son with written documentation, can he do anything to change it back? I asked for the signin and signout sheets for the last month, and she has been the one picking him up and taking him all but 4 times. I am not sure that it conflicts with his schedule or what. Also, what if they get married, does that change my authority to override? Thanks again for the great advice. I will use it, most definitely!

 

[survive1]

Thank you so much!

Thanks for replying to me. I don't have much for you, because the CA courts haven't officially recognized PAS, or Parental Alienation Syndrome, but I do know that it is cause for immediate removal of custody, depending on the courts. Your case sounds severe like mine. We also split week to week. I never get a phone call, medical, or emergency. He cuts her hair, takes her out of town, whatever, no phone call. We also have alternating holidays, and every holiday is a nightmare. On easter I was not allowed to pick up my daughter until 1201 am, because technically that was my day! No kidding. I am not allowed to pick up my own daughter from preschool either, because his girlfriend is on the emergency contact, and not me. That is something else I am fighting. My best advice is find an attorney that is aware of the syndrome I told you about and go at it that way. The courts do recognize the behavioral pattern, just not the terminology. Also if you look up PAS on a search engine, you will get vital information that sounds way too familiar. Maybe it will be a little insight. It was helpful for me. Good luck to you, and just know that Dad and girlfriend are trying to hurt you, through your child, the best retaliation is kindness, never let them see you sweat, and just take it to them in the courtroom. Good luck!

I truly appreciate your helpful comments and just like you, knowing that I am not the only one going through this mental abuse is comforting. When I saw your post, I got chills because the feelings that come from seeing your baby being manipulated by their own father is hearbreaking. The mental stress and instability it has caused my son and I will be forever damaging. When I went to court I felt like what had happened was a bad dream. I could not believe my eyes and ears...all I wanted was to put dates on our visitation ammendment and nothing was even brought up about it. It was like trying to talk and nothing coming out. Since that trial, my ex has been twenty times more unbearable. He thrives on my anger and feels he has more power. When I bring up the issues about my son's behavior through email (I can't get a hold of him otherwise), he doesn't respond or he blames it on my parenting and then offers to take my son all together so that I can get a handle on my life. It's like talking to a brick wall. I did get some info from my therapist about an emergency exparte that you can file with the courts to have an emergency hearing. I may go and represent myself since I could have done a better job myself at the last trial that I spent 4 thousand on...anyways, thanks again and please let me know how things go and I will do the same. Maybe we can come out ahead together and get our kids and our lives back.
Take care,
Claudia

 

[survive1]

Oh and check the court records he is supposed to have his current address on file at all times.

I checked with the courts and he does not have his new address filed with the courts. He has his old address only. I filed a police report last week when his fiancee picked up my son and did not call at all to let me know his whereabouts. I told the police that I had no address or phone number for him and also told them he has not paid cs. I know that I have to fill out another form with the district attorney's office before anything can really come of it. I am really shocked that he has been this careless knowing that he is in contempt for not paying child support and not filing his address with me or the courts. He usually covers himself. Thanks again!

 

[stealth2]

For starters, does the school/daycare have a copy of your visitation order? They should. My kids' schools know exactly when their father has his time with them and will not release the kids at any other time w/o my express permission. I generally provide a note if he's picking them up at a different time/day, but if I forget or it's unexpected - they do call me.

 

[survive1]

Thank you Steath2

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The visitation schedule from the courts does not specify weekday visitation with dates only as mutual agreement. I have created an addendum stipulating the week on/week off schedule that we have been going by but he will not sign it. Can I give the daycare a copy of that?
Also, can I stop her from picking him up and dropping him off everyday. They are not married and I am not sure they are living together either. I received a copy of the signin and out sheets provided by daycare and he rarely drops him off or picks him up. Thank you for helping!

 

[rm1759]

I am a little confused about what exactly your order states. You said that you share 50/50, week on and week off, but you also state that the split time is to be determined by mutual agreement?

Can you post exactly the text of your order? That might make it easier for everyone to help you.

Also, please use more paragraphs...

 

[nagol818]

Your situation seems complicated. How about just switch your son's daycare and start all over and tell the new place from day one the visitation schedule blah, blah, blah. That'll show your ex you are interested in SHARING control. That'll REALLY open his eyes!

If your son has been going there a long time and has made lotsa friends maybe it's not a great plan tho.

Ok. Maybe it's a little manipulative and you guys can get on my case if you want. Sometimes it just seems easier to be blunt with actions than to tip-toe around and stress yourself out.