Ex saying bad things

[mlk1978]

What is the name of your state?Michigan

I have a 8 year old daugher. She has visitation with her father every other weekend and on mondays. When ever she is with him, his mother and him tells our daughter that I took her away from him and also that if she spends more time with her father that I won't love her anymore. He puts me down in front of her also calling me 4 and 5 letter words. I called the Friend of the Court and my lawyer about this continuing issue. My lawyer told me to keep records of everything but the friend of the court pretty much just slapped him on his hands and told him not to do it again! I guess what my question is, does anyone have any suggestions on how I can get him to stop??? I am afraid that he is going to hurt our daughter emotionally.

Thanks!

 

[stealth2]

Your best bet is to help your daughter find ways to deal with it. One of my kids simply walks out of the room. The other tunes his Dad out.

 

[mlk1978]

Yeah I have been trying. It just seems like it is realy hard on her. Thanks so much for the advice!

 

[mulderng]

My ex and his wife do the same thing to my son, and have for many years. Stealth2 is right. You are never going to be able to control the actions of others'. You just need to help your child understand or deal with it. Most importantly, don't reciprocate the hate. What ex's don't realize when they behave this way is that they are hurting their child. Also, whatever you do, don't "quiz" her about what her daddy says or does because it puts her in the position to have to choose between you and will make her defensive. No matter how subtle you think you are being, kids are VERY perceptive when it comes to their parents.
Because it is so prevelant at my ex's house, my son is VERY protective about what he says about either of us to the other. It is very unfortunate, but he is clearly developing trust issues because of it. All you can do is love them and encourage them. When my son refers to his step mom as "mom" around me, he kind of stumbles over the word and is hesitant until I reassure him. I explain to him that it is okay for him to call her mom because she is a mom. Stepmoms are moms too. It is always tense when I first get him back, but after a couple of days, he relaxes and realizes that I am not going to bash his other family and he opens up.

 

[stealth2]

One of my stock phrases is "sometimes, when people are angry, they say things they don't really mean."

 

[snostar]

In addition, you can explain to your child that anger and fustration are natural and unaviodable, but there are proper ways of expressing these emotions in a civilized rational manner, and give them examples. As to the put downs, I tell my children that unfortunately sometimes people feel the need to critize others in order to inflate there own self worth - they do not need to lower themselves to this level.

The other day a boy called my 9 year old four eyes as we walked by, I went over to him and asked him if it really made him feel good to say such a thing.....well, I got a dumbfounded look followed by, "No, I'm sorry."