Forcing Answers

[milesinfl]

I live in Florida. My case is a little on the complicated side, so I'll try to make is a little simpler. My husband recently had an affair, the woman is now pregnant. There is the possibilty of it being her last boyfriends. We need to know ASAP who the father is because we are in the process of trying to remove this child after birth from her. We have DCF on her for a variety of things, the biggest of which, she was found at the local bar drinking after swearing she quit all harmful things in light of this pregnancy. How can we make her get an amniocentesis to prove him the father, so that we can remove this child from her as soon as it's born? Who do I need to be in contact with? If any more information is requested, I will gladly give more. Thanks.

 

[Grandma B]

Okay, so what's the REAL problem with the woman with whom your hubby chose to have an affair??

She's not going to lose her child because she was at a bar drinking. You cannot force her to have an amnio test to determine paternity. If you could, and your husband was proven to be the father, you could not automatically take her child.

Who do you need to be in contact with? Maybe yourself!

 

[milesinfl]

Please don't make me feel like I'm the problem here. Don't you think I feel crappy enough as it is?? I said in the beginning of my post that this is very complicated. I also said that I would make it as simple as I could. Let me start by saying her husband commited suicide this past October. She has 2 other kids, ages 10 and 9. She is 29. She has a stong history of drug and alcohol abuse. How do I know?? She lived with me for two months. I took care of her children when she flipped out after a binge. Please, don't judge others when you know you don't have facts. I have two children myself to protect and everything she does while she is pregnant can directly affect my life in the future, she already has one kid with an emotional and mental disabilty, I don't want to pay for a childs lifetime of problems as a result of her negligence. I am a strong woman who is putting her family back together and trying to think pf the future of this child on the way. Everything she does do this unborn child is an issue. If she tells me and my husband that she can't even take tylenol these days (we all know that does not hurt an unborn child) because she doesn't want to hurt the baby, and then I find her in a bar a week later, don't you think that she may be likely to be lying and only saying these things for fear we will take the baby? God I hate it when people make judgements before asking for all the facts. If you were so inclined to make me feel like crap, why didn't you ask for more info.

 

[marriedwithchildren]

i can sympathize with your situation. I am a mother on the other side of the coin (sort of). I am a recovering addict, and I had a baby that tested positive for drugs when he was born. I am currently involved with CPS in TX. I do know that CPS (DCF) cannot do anything until the baby is born. Anything that happens in utero is not a criminal offense (inTX anyway). However, if the baby tests positive at the time of birth, or is born with fetal alcohol syndrome, that the hospital will automatically contact DCF. DCF will access the situation and determine if removal is appropriate. After removal, they will search for family of the child for temporary placement. As far as determining the paternity of the child, you will probably have to wait until the baby is born. My suggestion to you would be to contact the Father's Rights Advocacy Group. I am not sure of their 'legal' name, but they would probably have more info re the legal issue. My other suggestion would be to search your soul regarding taking the baby into your home. I am a stepmother to my husband's son and sometimes it is a very hard position to be in. Good Luck and I hope that things work out for the best.

 

[milesinfl]

Thank you marriedwithchildren for not making me feel worse. It has angered me all along that my husband has essentially no rights in this. I know that DCF is forcing her to take herself and her children to counseling. My husband and I have been in counseling since like a couple of weeks after I found out about the affair. I'm basically trying to get our ducks in a row for whatever the outcome may be, this child didn't ask for this crap. Thanks for the reply.

 

[marriedwithchildren]

In my 'professional' opinion, hahaha...Counseling is a good idea. For everybody concerned, even the children. I'm sure there are many rehabs, if that is a possibility for her. While I am not a advocate for her, I do understand her position (I was once there) I am currently in a legal battle with my sister in law (with whom we placed our children on the advice of CPS while we went to treatment). If it is proven that your husband is the father of the baby, please do whatever you need to to protect the baby. If she gets her head on strait (like we did), she will realize that someone had to take care of her children when she couldn't. If she never finds her way to sobriety, then she probably won't ever to take care of her children. My other suggestion would be for you and your husband to attend alanon or naranon. Those groups provide wonderful support from people who have been through, and are going through similar situations. Also, they are a wealth of suggestions re social/professional organizations that can at the very least give you some guidance. I do admire people like you and my sister in law (don't ever tell her that) for stepping up to the plate and taking on one of the biggest responsibilities in the world, raising a child. On behalf of all the recovering addicts who are mothers trying to get on track, THANK YOU

---------------
Tiffany

 

[Grandma B]

"We have DCF on her for a variety of things, the biggest of which, she was found at the local bar drinking after swearing she quit all harmful things in light of this pregnancy."

I was not trying to make you feel worse. You asked questions and were not pleased with the facts of the matter. My response was based on your statement quoted above where you said her BIGGEST offense was being found at a bar drinking. Now you are embellishing and it appears that drinking in a bar is possibly NOT her biggest problem.

If she indeed has a serious drug/alcohol problem, it's possible that she could lose this child and her others as well.

Amnio is an invasive procedure and you will not be able to force her to submit to it. Paternity testing will have to wait until the baby is born. If your husband is the father, you can file for custody after that determination has been made.

I am a compassionate person, but I am also an unbiased outsider. You are seeing this situation from your side only, and it appears you still have some problems to work through.

This mother will not lose her child because her husband committed suicide, because she is 29 years old and has two children who are 9 and 10, or because your husband may or may not be the father of the child she is now carrying. If she cannot or will not provide a safe, healthy home for the children, then she could lose them.

 

[Ambr]

amnios are tricky when they have a medical need to be performed. a sane doctor will not run an amnio simply for the matter of a paternity test.

here is what you need to do.

you work on your marriage. you let the mother have the child. after the child is born - you have a paternity test. find out if you are dad or not. if you are then you can go after a form of custody/visitation.

it is going to be frustrating as all get out watching everything and worrying after the soon to be mom. but right now you are putting yourself through he-double hockey sticks for things that you can not control. work on the things that you can and deal with the others as they come along.

as marriedwithchildren stated - if the child is born with an addiction the hospital reports it to DFS immediately. they will look out for the welfare of the child. with the paternity test in place, the father will be contacted. DFS tries to place the child with family before foster care (usually).

 

[milesinfl]

The only reason the drinking at a bar is an issue as far as she is concerned with us, is becuase she is pregnant with the possiblity of it being my husbands. Anything else she has done in the past is not our area of concern because it involves her deceased husband and their kids. We are only now involved due to this being a child that could remain in our life permanently. I am not and have not embellished this story. I mentioned the suicide to point out that a traumatic thing happened to her and her children recently that she has done nothing in which to help herself and her children. When you quoted me, you had a very good point, except my point back on this is the reason once again that it is the biggest issue as far as we are concerned is becuase it involves the unborn child. I can only point out also to DCF the things which I have seen since this entire thing happened. New things do come up and we do have something here, but I'm just trying to understand the system. Mine and my husbands counselor was the one who suggested an amniocentesis and suggested that I look for the possiblity of having this done. Remember also that she has one child with who has had no help as far as his disabilties are concerned. I added the info. about the ages to show that I'm not dealing with some young Mom who doesn't have a clue. This is a woman who lost her husband of 11 years to suicide and is having trouble coping. MY opinion? Yes, and guess what? Also the opinion of DCF. Grandma B, I don't know why it's important to me to even bother telling you this, but I am not motivated with this because I was hurt. At first I was hurt, by both her and my husband. It has been a sad and very ugly situation, but I"m putting the pieces together. In termes of the affair, she already said to me that she felt she needed my husband because he was reminding her of her own. I would like everyone to know and understand that this woman meant a lot to me for quite a while as did her children, but of course there were issues and situations that I wasn't aware of till after the fact. How can I prove the drug abuse when I can't even honestly say I've seen her do anything recently? All I can go on is the past and new events that I'm personally involved in. If I was going to embellish, it sue wouldn't be on a web site that means nothing in terms of what I'm trying to accomplish. Everything I'm doing now as far as this woman is concerned has to do with this child not the affair. The affair part will heal, as it's already in motion. It was a very short lived one, but the life of this chlid is not. I find it funny some days, when I see how others look at a situation like this, and for some reason it all ends up being my fault. I did and have done nothing wrong. Is it so hard to imagine a woman forgiving her partner of 9 yrs. for the first and only time hurting her in any way? Is it so wrong that "till death do us part" means taking some pain and hurt along the way? I hate trying to explain this to anyone becuase then I'm made to feel like I'm the problem here. This woman is the one who told us that if this ever came up she would get an abortion. Hey, I'm not saying that that is the problem either, becuase that is ALL the way her choice. But then turns around, calls and informs us that she is pregnant and she is keeping the baby, and that my husband is going to take full responsibility and that he did this to her so deal with the consequences. Guess what?? He is taking full responsibility, just as he's taken with our own two children. Once again, I said this is a very compicated situation and there is even more to it than all of this, but I didn't think that all points were important based on a question in here. Amnio can be done for this reason, I'm jsut trying to find out what criteria has to be met in order to get it. I can and will share all if anyone wants to hear it, but I'm sure no one does. It is a little like the soap operas we all can see daily. Anyone who is reading this, I do thank you though.

 

[Ambr]

we all mean well in our own ways.

the thing that i was trying to explain is that the situation you are describing and the actions that you want to take are tough to deal with.

the major problem is that the child might be his, but then again, it might not be his. you are requesting rights to a child that is not even born yet. until the child is born and paternity is established your husband has no rights to the child. we aren't saying that we don't agree. the fact that someone who is carrying a child and would still continue with habits that could harm the child is outrageous.

most of this arguement will boil down to the age old fight about when the fetus is considered to be a life. some say at conception, the others say at birth. since they are not married, there isn't an assumption of paternity. and unfortunately there isn't alot that he can do without first establishing paternity.

i have had an amnio performed. doctors normally do not like to do them unless there is a problem with the baby that has to be checked out.

to request one just for a paternity test would have to be court ordered. i honestly don't think that you could get a judge or a doctor to agree with it. what if something were to happen to the baby because of the test. you are talking major liability.

and again, you are asking for a risk when you don't even know if you have rights.