He wants to leave

[Hopeformom]

What is the name of your state? Texas

My son is 15 years old I have joint custody with his dad.

He wants to leave me and go live with is father because he hates the school he goes too.

I don't want him to leave. But his dad said he is old enough to choose.

What about me do I still have a say in it? Or do I have to let him go?

 

[SMURFEELAW]

Is dad unfit?
At 15 the Judge will probably take your sons wishes into account.
BUT technically son can't leave until dad files for custody and wins or the two of you come to an agreement and it is signed by the judge.

If dad is capable then personally I would be careful not to alienate my son too much by not respecting his wishes. If dad is not capable (and I don't mean b/c he cheated on you or takes you to Court) I mean by standards of Court unfit (drug user, in jail etc) then fight it every step of the way.

Good Luck and remember he is 15 he may feel he NEEDS his dad right now.

 

[Hopeformom]

He's a great father. He gets to see him all the time. I just can not let go. I love him.

 

[SMURFEELAW]

He's a great father. He gets to see him all the time. I just can not let go. I love him.

I may get my a** jumped for this but here goes, (the furthest thing from legal advice there is)

Of course you love him, he's your baby. But you have to love him enough to respect the man he is becoming and aloow him to make choices on his own (within reason and with Dad keeping an eye out on him). But this is the kind of thing that is going to define you and your sons relationship for the rest of your lives. Trust him and love him enough to let go. What is that old saying (boy the Seniors are really gonna jump me for getting this hallmark) "If you love something set it free......etc".

Good Luck to you and your son.

 

[Hopeformom]

The best I can do on letting him be free is when he gets his driver license he can drive and see his dad any time he wants too. He just has to finish what he started here. So he can learn that you can not run when things get hard. He has to learn as a man that when things get hard we don't pack up and leave. Because where ever you go your problems will follow. So why not face them. Alone or together with your mom and your dad.

 

[SMURFEELAW]

The best I can do on letting him be free is when he gets his driver license he can drive and see his dad any time he wants too. He just has to finish what he started here. So he can learn that you can not run when things get hard. He has to learn as a man that when things get hard we don't pack up and leave. Because where ever you go your problems will follow. So why not face them. Alone or together with your mom and your dad.

I only wish to re-iterate that this decision shows a great lack of faith in your son and his decision making skills as well as a lack of faith in your past actions as primary caregiver. He may NEED his father right now and if this will help him to do better at school or have more friends (hence help to make him feel like a better person/ more well rounded) then I suggest you respect that. Sometimes there are more reasons than the ones 15 year old boys tell their obviously loving (but possibly a little over protective) mom. Maybe some counseling is in order. I think you trying to hold on will negatively effect your relationship with your child and honestly maybe a little selfish. As I said good luck and if he is serious he will probably get dad to file and the reasons you have listed so far don't seem to be enough to stop the judge from ordering it.

 

[LdiJ]

I only wish to re-iterate that this decision shows a great lack of faith in your son and his decision making skills as well as a lack of faith in your past actions as primary caregiver. He may NEED his father right now and if this will help him to do better at school or have more friends (hence help to make him feel like a better person/ more well rounded) then I suggest you respect that. Sometimes there are more reasons than the ones 15 year old boys tell their obviously loving (but possibly a little over protective) mom. Maybe some counseling is in order. I think you trying to hold on will negatively effect your relationship with your child and honestly maybe a little selfish. As I said good luck and if he is serious he will probably get dad to file and the reasons you have listed so far don't seem to be enough to stop the judge from ordering it.

I will add something here. If your son's reason is that he hates his school...there may be things going on there that cause him to have self-esteem problems and other problems. Sometimes a new school, and a fresh start, can dramatically change a teenager's perspective of themselves and the world around them.

I will give you an example from my own life. I was a very "nerdy" adolescent. On top of that I got braces, glasses, acne and the haircut from He$$ all in the same year. No one at my high school could see me as anything other than that "nerdy" adolescent. However...without me even realizing it I had "blossomed". I live in a large city and I got a job at a place where everyone else went to a different high school. Suddenly I was very popular and had lots of dates because no one had any pre-concieved ideas about me. It was incredibly liberating and changed my entire outlook on life.

Your son may be going through something along those kinds of lines at his current school. If that is the case a change at this juncture of his life could make an incredible difference. If you live close enough that you could still transport your son to school some of the time you might not have to "give him up"...you may be able to share custody with his father.

Explore your options.

 

[Terence Beckham]

I have to say I agree with Smurfee..

If your son has a strong wish to be with his Father then let him go.

At the age of 15 a young lad really needs his dad - I know that from my own experiences. Now that is probably hard for you to stomach.

Mother/Father contribute different things as a parent both have credednce in a childs life. Unfortuantely America has lead the world in creating a Fatherless society. We see the results everywhere -especially on this forum.

In your situation you have stated that the Father is a great Dad.

Your son is not leaving you he is simply needing his Father more and has problems at his school (LdiJ is right also). His Father can help him with his self esteem in a different way that you can. But you still need to be there for him and I am sure you will.

Speak to the dad and see how you can accomodate his wishes and your maternal needs and love.

Ultimately your son will love you more for letting him make choices and for him not to feel boxed in by over protective maternal instincts.

A tough decision but if you have the right emotional intelligence you will get through.

 

[stealth2]

To actually answer the questions you asked....

15 yo's do not choose. If you and Dad cannot agree on this, you do NOT have to do so and can leave it to Dad to take to court. While a judge will most likely listen to your son and the why's behind his desire, a simple "I don't like my school" is not necessarily going to sway a judge to change custody - there's going to have to be more meat to it than that.

I'd suggest you give some serious thought as to what your reluctance stems from. If it is solely your inability to let go, that's not doing right by the kid. If there are more serious reasons why you're not in favor of it, only you can decide if they are weighty enough to warrant digging your heels in.

 

[ajfai]

I'm just going to put my 2 cents in

You as a mother can do everything for him. He needs his father to help him to be a man.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

The legal issues have already been covered from several aspects.
My suggestions are this,
Find out what is behind your son's wanting to go to another school, so that whether or not he stays there, those problems can be addressed.
Many teenage boys have difficulities about this time for a number of reasons whether from divorced families or not.
During this time there will be changes in all your relationships because the child is maturing and testing their wings, yet still need the support of their parents in different ways than before, and for divorced parents, co-parenting will experience some challenges, this is when you both have to make an effort to work together.
Is your ex agreeable to taking primary custody?
Is child support an issue?
How far apart are your homes, is there a possibility to enrole your son in a school in his father's district and transport your child, without changing custody, sharing custody and/or trial the change?
Talk about this with your ex, discuss the school problems and try to reach an agreement between yourselves first and then with your son. Don't be surprised that if a part of the problem is discipline, rules and expectations that even if custody is changed that your son may not be so happy with the change if the same rules of conduct are consistantly enforced in both households. Consistancy and agreement between the parents is essential and alternate plans are a good idea.
Taking a well considered agreement to the judge will greatly reduce the stress and cost as opposed to a custody fight.
As a parent, he will always be your baby and your relationship will enudre, but as most have said, your child needs both parents, sometimes one more than the other at different times, this usually prompts accommodations in custody in divorced families.
Ah the joys of parenthood

 

[Terence Beckham]

To actually answer the questions you asked....

15 yo's do not choose. If you and Dad cannot agree on this, you do NOT have to do so and can leave it to Dad to take to court. While a judge will most likely listen to your son and the why's behind his desire, a simple "I don't like my school" is not necessarily going to sway a judge to change custody - there's going to have to be more meat to it than that.


and there is: Taking a well considered agreement to the judge will greatly reduce the stress and cost as opposed to a custody fight.

Lets make money for the lawyers out of a child old enough to articulate his views shall we? Why create a war?

Surely you and the childs father need to sit down and talk about the situation...

And 15 year olds do choose - sometimes they runaway because they are so desperate to 'choose'.

If ever there was a time to reconcile on a parental level now is the time so
divorce the lawyers and sort it out amongst you.

And remember the childs interests come first and if he is unhappy at school and with the current living arrangements, then you will just have to accept the fact that the boy wants to live with his Dad. As you say yourself his dad is a great Father -so it should be easy for you to accept.

 

[stealth2]

Lets make money for the lawyers out of a child old enough to articulate his views shall we? Why create a war?

Because that is what the LAW says - children do not choose. Tell ya what, Terry old man - stick to UK law, eh?

 

[Terence Beckham]

Because that is what the LAW says - children do not choose. Tell ya what, Terry old man - stick to UK law, eh?

I don't stick to any law Uk or American -thats the whole point. It is the state of law that has caused so much of the problems in Family Breakdown with the winner/loser scenario (of course wrapped in this is the fact that Lawyers win all the time)

Possibly you are a lawyer who benefits from this misery...so you would prefer to let the child be miserable or possibly prefer for him to consider running away?

So emotionally unintelligent is Law be it Uk or American?

Of course hopefully this woman has more intelligence than most and is able to sit down and sort this out without lining the pockets of money grabbing lawyers -possibly one like you.

No wonder America has so much **** going on, we have it bad over here but you guys are in a different league

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Hey Beckham, bend it a little my way

Signed,
BUBBA