Help me....

[mocity]

Baby Mama Drama

I need advice!! My husband and I reside in the state of Florida. He has a 6yr old son who lives with his mother (they were never married). In the past, my stepson has come over and has had bruises on him. My stepson is very secretive when I or my husband would ask about any marks on him. Whenever we would ask my stepson what happened, he would make up a phony story. I suspected his mother or maybe her live in boyfriend at the time was abusing the child. In addition to that, his mother really doesn’t show love or care for her own child. She has another child by another man (the father of that child isn’t present) and she shows favoritism toward the other child. She wants us to do everything for my stepson while she uses him as a pawn to try to destroy our marriage (which by the way, isn’t working), basically she just want her support check. . But getting back to my point, recently, my son came over and he said he wasn’t feeling good. He told me he had gotten into an altercation at school and that was the reason he didn’t feel good. I checked out the story and it turned out not to be true. My stepson’s mother is living with another boyfriend and I suspect that there is abuse going on once again. My husband is not very intuitive like I am, so he doesn’t really look into things, whatever my stepson tells him, he pretty much believes it and doesn’t ask any questions. I want to get custody of my stepson. I love him so much, we have our problems, but overall I love him and I want what is best for him and I believe that would be to live with us. I have been praying that his mother would grow up and mature and look past the anger she has for my husband and not take it out on her own child, but I am not seeing any results. I just don’t want to see my stepson go through anymore physical or emotional abuse. I need legal advice on how to get custody.

 

[Grandma B]

If you even suspect abuse, you should report it to DCF in FL. The easiest way to gain custody would be to get the mother to agree, but if she is totally interested in child support, she isn't likely to relinquish custody to your husband. Custody battles are lengthy and expensive, but if DCF finds any basis for proving abuse, you are one step up the ladder. Best of luck to you and your little stepson.

 

[mocity]

Thank you so much for your response. I was feeling a little down this morning because I am truly at my witts end. I try to ask my son questions but he will not tell me anything, and who can blame him. He doesnt want to tell on his mother. She has such a strong hold on him too. It is like he craves love and attention from her, so even though he may be hurting, he will not tell on his mother. But I do thank you and I will follow your advice.

 

[Grandma B]

He's sounding more and more like a classic example of an abused child. They want love and approval so badly that they do whatever is necessary to please the abuser and cover for the them. Heartbreaking.

 

[mocity]

drama

See this is the thing Grandma B. By me being a stepparent, I want results but I dont want to be the one to report on her. I am a spiritual person, I want God to handle it and expose it for me. I believe if I report it, then the mother finds out, it will be a big mess and then everyone will be upset with me. The mother and I have had a big argument already and I dont like her because she is trifling. I am afraid people will look at my dislike for her more than what is actually going on with the child. I just dont want to be the one to have to expose her.

 

[Grandma B]

If he has physical signs of abuse, I'm surprised that a teacher or someone hasn't picked up on this. They are required to report any suspected child abuse.

Is your husband willing to do something about it?

 

[smh33]

1. regardless of your feelings, this is not 'your son'.
2. you cannot get custody and any fight for such should be headed by the father as is only his right.
3.Bruises??only? ...6 yr olds get bruises, withdrawal could be phase or uncomfortable with situation of 2 homes. If you have no proof to base an abuse report upon other than your suspicion..before you call any child services and create another huge strife between you and the ex...might try visiting child's doctor when arrives with bruises and get a prof opinion. If doctor feels is signs of abuse, is obligated to report such by law.
4.Unless you are with child and mother 24/7, you have no place to judge mother's quantity or depth of love for child..we all feel/show things differently.
5.You should not be surprized child craves mother..it is the child's mother, what makes up 50% of child's being. All children go through stages and when younger it is very natural and normal that for a time child will gravitate to dad and then to mom & vice versa.

 

[mocity]

Grandma B:
His mother is no fool, she will not send him to school all bruised up where people can see. My husband has talked about it with his mother but nothing has been resolved. My husband is not really in tune to what is going on. If my stepson came to him with a black eye and said he got into a fight at school, he will accept what he told him and he will not ask any questions. But women tend to be more analytical, we will ask "well what did you do to that person to make them him you?" and that is where the story will start to fall apart. When you lie about something, you have to keep telling more lies until you cant keep up with all the lies you told.

 

[deefran]

Mocity- You have basically told us that although you care about this child..you will not be the one who calls, (because you fear for your own relationships) So what are you expecting to have done?
You are either going to have to believe that the child is not abused...as his father does.
Or you are going to continue to believe he is abused but still not do anything about it.
That is basically the gist I am getting from your post.
Either protect the child you claim to care for, or sit back and let the mother and father work this out.

 

[lonesomedove]

how many children have been beaten or even killed because well meaning people didn't want to cause trouble. In such a case as this personal feelings should not enter into it. Many states allow you to make a complaint without divulging your name to the parent. See if your state is one of them, then you can help the child and give your self peace of mind.
Good luck

 

[Jenifa]

Been there...

My SD was mentally abused for 10 years (verbal, neglect, endangering her welfare), and there was no proving it. I called the 800# for child abuse so often, I should have had the dam thing on speed dial.

You CAN call anonymously, ask questions, and report something if you feel an investigation should take place. The people who interview children for child protective services look for signs in abused children, it is their job to look. Tell them what you see, and let them decide if it's something they need to look into. I much rathered have backlash than watch someone suffer. For myself, I felt better putting in the phone call, because that was the only thing I could do to try to protect her legally. I had no other rights.

 

[usmcfamily]

Mocity.....
I was reading your post and your reference to being a spiritual person and "wanting God to take care of it" got my attention -- have you ever heard the story about the man in the flood who while waiting for God to save him refuse rescue by a two boats and a helicopter? When the man finally drowned and appeared before God he anrily asked why God had not saved him to which God replied "I sent two boats and a helicopter - what more did you want?".....I know that this may seem a bad time to tell a joke but my point being that perhaps God is taking care of it by making the situation apparent to you ...someone whom he feels loves this child enough to see that the right thing is done......please in any case of suspected abuse you must report it!! If it is unfounded it will be resolved and forgotten and if it is founded you may just save this little boy's life..... You mention time and again how you want to gain custody of the boy and in a sense become his mother yet you are hesitant to do the most motherly thing of all and protect this child......
good luck and God Bless

 

[erev46]

usmcfamily's analogy is straight forward and to the point. When dealing with issue's of abuse they must be addessed in their most basic form.
My only addition to this is if you choose to report this, be prepared to commit and follow through. Let the child know you and his father are doing this in his best interest and not for your own personal agenda.