Home Alone

[FreeBird16]

what about

I agree with leaving a mature 12 year old alone for a couple hours, however; it is appropriate to leave an unmature 12 year old alone and acting as sole caregiver for a 6 year old for hours, on top of on weekend nights while the parent is at the bars??

 

[Leinalani]

After school programs...

Why not look into after school programs available at his campus? There are a few really good ones that can keep an eye on your son until about 5:30pm. They help with homework, do activities, provide snacks, give him a chance to play with friends, etc. At least that'll give him less time at home unsupervised.

Also, other programs are available off-campus. I'm not quite sure what your city or state offers but many parents rely on these programs specifically because they do not have after school care and their children are under 12.

Hope this helps.

 

[stealth2]

Well..... I actually have no issue whatsoever with having my 11yo come home on her own, and then having her and her (nearly) 14yo brother come home and the two of them here on their own together for a few hours. They've both been spending increasing periods of time home alone over the past few years. We have certain ground rules, and they have yet to break any of them. Our neighbors do know when they'll be unsupervised, and the kids know where to go if there's an issue. Plus, my brother (who works from home) is 5 minutes away, and my parents are 15 minutes away.

After working from home f/t for the past few years, I'll be out of the home a few days of the week - they've already made a schedule of what they need to do between the time they get home and the time I do to help things run smoothly. We're talking from washing and sorting laundry to starting dinner.

 

[trustknow1]

Thought I'd toss out a few more things I have used/encountered at various times over the last 10 years. No specific order......I have forgotten many.

I you have an ex that lies,,er, ah...I mean has a "selective memory" as mine does; it helped me to view the objective as though my daughter was alone 24hrs/day. My job is to teach her the skills she needs to do that. I have added bits and pieces of her training each week-end for 5 years now ....(she is now 12) and

-knows CPR, -first aid (bandaging/choking)
-how to remove 2nd floor window and get to ground
-yell fire, not help
-where circuit box is and how to set breakers, shut off water, hot water heater,gas,phone box,toilet/sink shutoffs,flashlite for power outage,and which object she will throw through window to escape, and exact plan (well rehearsed) of escape if faced with intruder.
-mastered Three escape techniques from common grips of attacker (I'm ex martial arts instructor).

Some of that may sound silly...until she needs it. Kids can look confident, but freak-out if the lights go-out.

-I used to have a pre-signed "authorization to approve medical treatment/temp guardian document in her sock drawer...for emergency neighbor/etc to grab, fill in and go.

-I made an emergency contacts card with all numbers/her address/etc. which she wore around neck like an ID card when alone. Kids in a panic forget even their address sometimes.

-We started watching "Cops" on TV together every week-end since she was 9 yrs old. Yes, I debated on the content too, then did it ....always watched it together,never alone. Sounds weird, but I can tell you it is the best tool for safety skills, shows real world, and everything is explained (by me). It is one of her favorite shows. At 12, she is the now first to blurt out the charges, excuses suspects will give,and how drugs made them "losers".

Bought her a cell phone....ex shuts it down to cover her tracks going out. It was hard work, but I now feel she is actually safer alone, than when her babysitter...er, I mean..mom is home... and no,she not paranoid,just prepared for the situation her mom places her in.

Mom is unaware of any of this, and does not care anyway.

 

[dannysmyboy]

Thought I'd toss out a few more things I have used/encountered at various times over the last 10 years. No specific order......I have forgotten many.

I you have an ex that lies,,er, ah...I mean has a "selective memory" as mine does; it helped me to view the objective as though my daughter was alone 24hrs/day. My job is to teach her the skills she needs to do that. I have added bits and pieces of her training each week-end for 5 years now ....(she is now 12) and

-knows CPR, -first aid (bandaging/choking)
-how to remove 2nd floor window and get to ground
-yell fire, not help
-where circuit box is and how to set breakers, shut off water, hot water heater,gas,phone box,toilet/sink shutoffs,flashlite for power outage,and which object she will throw through window to escape, and exact plan (well rehearsed) of escape if faced with intruder.
-mastered Three escape techniques from common grips of attacker (I'm ex martial arts instructor).

Some of that may sound silly...until she needs it. Kids can look confident, but freak-out if the lights go-out.

-I used to have a pre-signed "authorization to approve medical treatment/temp guardian document in her sock drawer...for emergency neighbor/etc to grab, fill in and go.

-I made an emergency contacts card with all numbers/her address/etc. which she wore around neck like an ID card when alone. Kids in a panic forget even their address sometimes.

-We started watching "Cops" on TV together every week-end since she was 9 yrs old. Yes, I debated on the content too, then did it ....always watched it together,never alone. Sounds weird, but I can tell you it is the best tool for safety skills, shows real world, and everything is explained (by me). It is one of her favorite shows. At 12, she is the now first to blurt out the charges, excuses suspects will give,and how drugs made them "losers".

Bought her a cell phone....ex shuts it down to cover her tracks going out. It was hard work, but I now feel she is actually safer alone, than when her babysitter...er, I mean..mom is home... and no,she not paranoid,just prepared for the situation her mom places her in.

Mom is unaware of any of this, and does not care anyway.

Sounds like my husbands's "ex", anyhow. Regarding after-school sports. He already does Spring Baseball and Fall soccor, which move of you know is not cheap, especially if one 1 parent is paying the full bill. We were just concerned about the other days that he's not at practice. Remember we him every Wed. Thurs, and every other Friday, including weekends. Baseball and soccer practice might not be on any of these days or some of them, depends on the team.

My husband may end up just getting him some type of sitter arrangement. Oh, I failed to mention that the ex offered to sit for us, for a few, of course. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem right???? But, here's the situation.

She has moved 30 miles north of our home, and we travel 100 miles round trip south of our home. When his sister goes to college, we will have to drive that every Wednesday, and every other Friday, and Every Monday. So if she sat for us, we would have to add another 60 miles to our daily commute. And if anyone knows anything about the Bay Area Commute....will that's enough said about that.

Also, being the X that she is, she doesn't work, although she's more than able. Would rather collect off the system.... We are not cheap people no do we complain about the cost of living and cost of a sitter. We just feel that she has not given my husband any reason to trust her or do anything to help her, outside of what the court system says he should. Why pay her money to watch him in the afternoon. He lives 1/2 mile from her home, she's not working, and it is her kid. Wouldn't she be doing us a favor in saving us sitter money, by watching him. Wouldn't that leave more money for the kid regarding clothes, afterschool programs, etc??? Knowing her as well as we do, this is what I predict would happen if we let her watch him, with or without pay. After a few months, she would go back to court and claim that she has him more days than we do, therefore, her child support needs to be increased to reflect that she now has them every Wed, Thurs and Friday along with her days....See the problem there???? Am I hitting home with some of you single parents???

Anyway, I'm sure it will all work out when our daughter goes off to college. We might just wait until he's older, just to keep peace. It's never been the money, just the principle of "why can't we just raise the kids on our time" without interruption from the ex.

 

[casa]

Sounds like my husbands's "ex", anyhow. Regarding after-school sports. He already does Spring Baseball and Fall soccor, which move of you know is not cheap, especially if one 1 parent is paying the full bill. We were just concerned about the other days that he's not at practice. Remember we him every Wed. Thurs, and every other Friday, including weekends. Baseball and soccer practice might not be on any of these days or some of them, depends on the team.

My husband may end up just getting him some type of sitter arrangement. Oh, I failed to mention that the ex offered to sit for us, for a few, of course. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem right???? But, here's the situation.

She has moved 30 miles north of our home, and we travel 100 miles round trip south of our home. When his sister goes to college, we will have to drive that every Wednesday, and every other Friday, and Every Monday. So if she sat for us, we would have to add another 60 miles to our daily commute. And if anyone knows anything about the Bay Area Commute....will that's enough said about that.

Also, being the X that she is, she doesn't work, although she's more than able. Would rather collect off the system.... We are not cheap people no do we complain about the cost of living and cost of a sitter. We just feel that she has not given my husband any reason to trust her or do anything to help her, outside of what the court system says he should. Why pay her money to watch him in the afternoon. He lives 1/2 mile from her home, she's not working, and it is her kid. Wouldn't she be doing us a favor in saving us sitter money, by watching him. Wouldn't that leave more money for the kid regarding clothes, afterschool programs, etc??? Knowing her as well as we do, this is what I predict would happen if we let her watch him, with or without pay. After a few months, she would go back to court and claim that she has him more days than we do, therefore, her child support needs to be increased to reflect that she now has them every Wed, Thurs and Friday along with her days....See the problem there???? Am I hitting home with some of you single parents???

Anyway, I'm sure it will all work out when our daughter goes off to college. We might just wait until he's older, just to keep peace. It's never been the money, just the principle of "why can't we just raise the kids on our time" without interruption from the ex.

I'm a single parent who provides transportation mid-point to a father and has child avail. for pick up of another father. Make at least 3 trips a day doing something, in addition to normal work, errands, household, homework, extras. etc. And I'm a CP.

So I relate to that part...what I don't understand is why you asked? YOU aren't a single parent- you have a husband. There are 2 adults in your home.

 

[bononos]

After-school program is best. If not, make sure neighbors can keep a peek.
Our neighbor across the street has 3 horrible boys. About 13, 11 and 9.
They are not to leave the house, but the ALWAYS do.
They of course head in the house when mom is supposed to arrive.
Friends are over alot too.
We tattletale sometimes, like the day they were sitting on their skateboards going down our hill - not a real busy street, but maybe a car every minute and they speed, but also runs into an intersection.
Just stupid to do!

 

[dannysmyboy]

I'm a single parent who provides transportation mid-point to a father and has child avail. for pick up of another father. Make at least 3 trips a day doing something, in addition to normal work, errands, household, homework, extras. etc. And I'm a CP.

So I relate to that part...what I don't understand is why you asked? YOU aren't a single parent- you have a husband. There are 2 adults in your home.

I was a single mom for 17 years, and had no divorce/custody issues with my X. We were model parents in that regard....just a stepparent now.

I asked because I'm the now wife of a dad with 2 kids... We work at the same company, been there 20 years, and commute together. So If I could watch the son and/or help in the pickups I would. If I have a day off and he doesn't, of course I do the pickups and sit. We would LOVE IT if mom would meet us half way and dropped them off at our house as stated in the court documents. That would be so GREAT!!! Mom doesn't do squat and will not pickup or drop off the kids (even though she's been court ordered to drop them off at our designated spot (on our Wednesday and Friday). But of course, my husband does't put up a stink, because then that would ultimately affect the children, blah, blah, blah and we try very hard not to involve them in these types of divorce/custody issues. So we pick up at her house on our Wednesdays and Fridays, and drop them off on her Mondays and Fridays. The only thing I wanted to get out of this forum, was. If we leave him unattended at our home form 3pm to 6pm on our Wed, Thurs, and Friday, evenings, would the X have a legal right to demand that we pay for babysitting. I know she can file for whatever she wants, and getting it is another thing, but again, I'm trying to avoid a court battle and costs by just finding out if she has a legal right to demand this. She's already stated that "we better not leave him alone" when our daughter goes to college. And if you read all the posts in this thread, you'd understand better.

Any incase anyone asks, and they usually do. I call them "our kids" cause I have been married to their father for 10 years and they do live with us 50% of the time. They are his/hers/and mine (as a step parent). I in no way try to diminish her as a mother or anything. It's just easier to say "ours" instead of my husband's, this or my husband's that..

 

[casa]

I was a single mom for 17 years, and had no divorce/custody issues with my X. We were model parents in that regard....just a stepparent now.

I asked because I'm the now wife of a dad with 2 kids... We work at the same company, been there 20 years, and commute together. So If I could watch the son and/or help in the pickups I would. If I have a day off and he doesn't, of course I do the pickups and sit. We would LOVE IT if mom would meet us half way and dropped them off at our house as stated in the court documents. That would be so GREAT!!! Mom doesn't do squat and will not pickup or drop off the kids (even though she's been court ordered to drop them off at our designated spot (on our Wednesday and Friday). But of course, my husband does't put up a stink, because then that would ultimately affect the children, blah, blah, blah and we try very hard not to involve them in these types of divorce/custody issues. So we pick up at her house on our Wednesdays and Fridays, and drop them off on her Mondays and Fridays. The only thing I wanted to get out of this forum, was. If we leave him unattended at our home form 3pm to 6pm on our Wed, Thurs, and Friday, evenings, would the X have a legal right to demand that we pay for babysitting. I know she can file for whatever she wants, and getting it is another thing, but again, I'm trying to avoid a court battle and costs by just finding out if she has a legal right to demand this. She's already stated that "we better not leave him alone" when our daughter goes to college. And if you read all the posts in this thread, you'd understand better.

Any incase anyone asks, and they usually do. I call them "our kids" cause I have been married to their father for 10 years and they do live with us 50% of the time. They are his/hers/and mine (as a step parent). I in no way try to diminish her as a mother or anything. It's just easier to say "ours" instead of my husband's, this or my husband's that..

I don't do a lot of bashing for saying 'our' children... I get it. If a poster sounds like they think they have Rights- I'll mention the legal stranger issue re; steps.

Anyway...if your husband won't file contempt re; the failure to abide by the order for visitation transportation...then he'll just have to lump it. Sorry, but if he won't follow through or make an issue of it, you really can't either.

I really don't like FROR...but it does <usually> provide for the other parent to caretake for the kid(s) without it affecting parenting time % (& therefore support).

The age of your husband's son tells me you won't be dealing with this for long. Check into those CPR and 1st aid and babysitting courses.

 

[dannysmyboy]

I don't do a lot of bashing for saying 'our' children... I get it. If a poster sounds like they think they have Rights- I'll mention the legal stranger issue re; steps.

Anyway...if your husband won't file contempt re; the failure to abide by the order for visitation transportation...then he'll just have to lump it. Sorry, but if he won't follow through or make an issue of it, you really can't either.

I really don't like FROR...but it does <usually> provide for the other parent to caretake for the kid(s) without it affecting parenting time % (& therefore support).

The age of your husband's son tells me you won't be dealing with this for long. Check into those CPR and 1st aid and babysitting courses.

Some people do bash us step-parents...I just wanted to clarify.
My husband would love to file comtempt, but most of us here know how that will happen....kids get caught in the middle. so we just put up and dream about the day the kids turn 18 and don't have to deal with that woman regarding custody ever.

Sorry, I don't know what FROR means. But regarding caretaking. My husband would not mind if she watched the kids on our days, for a couple hours. That would not be a problem. However, with her history of going to court, going to court, going to court, accusations, etc. why take the risk of her claiming he doesn't see the kids on our time. We would not put that passed her, with her history. Also, we would not only be paying her daycare fees, which she said she would watch them at the going rate of a daycare center; we would be paying for more fuel than we are now. So our costs would definitely go up. Why can't she just drop them off when she's supposed to, and why can't she just watch them cause she misses them without charging us??? Isn't that the real issue here? We all know that X's lie in court all the time, and make up documents if possible. This has happened to us, and it's bitten her in the @$$ every time. But, costs him attorney's fees every time also. That's less money for the children, isn't it?

Before my stepdaughter got her license to drive herself and brother back and forth to our home. We had sitters, and paid alot of money, including 1/2 of her daycare expenses. When she took us back to court to up the child support, the CS was reduced, because she wasn't paying for daycare anymore, since she wasn't working, and couldn't prove that she was paying for these services. He was not only paying for his daycare, but 1/2 of hers as well. Boy, was she PEE O'D.

You're right, we won't be dealing with this much longer. But we suspect, regardless of my stepson's age, with her no age is appropriate. Just to make our lives miserable, she doesn't hire an attorney, so this is hardly costing her a dime, except for filing fees. He doesn't dare go in without proper representation, regardless of what her claims are.

Also, at the rate that she's taking him to court for more money, the CS keeps getting reduced, so hopefully in a few years, he won't have to pay her anything. Now wouldn't that be ideal?

 

[dannysmyboy]

I don't do a lot of bashing for saying 'our' children... I get it. If a poster sounds like they think they have Rights- I'll mention the legal stranger issue re; steps.

Anyway...if your husband won't file contempt re; the failure to abide by the order for visitation transportation...then he'll just have to lump it. Sorry, but if he won't follow through or make an issue of it, you really can't either.

I really don't like FROR...but it does <usually> provide for the other parent to caretake for the kid(s) without it affecting parenting time % (& therefore support).

The age of your husband's son tells me you won't be dealing with this for long. Check into those CPR and 1st aid and babysitting courses.

I forgot to address by stepparenting rights. I know legally I don't have any in court, etc. and I don't go to court when he's summoned and I don't give him any advice nor have I ever met or had a conversation with his attorney. That's between them. I just show love when I can to the kids, respect them, and require respect back. Since the "home alone" issue was coming up next year, I just wanted to know if a judge would frown on us.

 

[casa]

Some people do bash us step-parents...I just wanted to clarify.
My husband would love to file comtempt, but most of us here know how that will happen....kids get caught in the middle. so we just put up and dream about the day the kids turn 18 and don't have to deal with that woman regarding custody ever.

Sorry, I don't know what FROR means. But regarding caretaking. My husband would not mind if she watched the kids on our days, for a couple hours. That would not be a problem. However, with her history of going to court, going to court, going to court, accusations, etc. why take the risk of her claiming he doesn't see the kids on our time. We would not put that passed her, with her history. Also, we would not only be paying her daycare fees, which she said she would watch them at the going rate of a daycare center; we would be paying for more fuel than we are now. So our costs would definitely go up. Why can't she just drop them off when she's supposed to, and why can't she just watch them cause she misses them without charging us??? Isn't that the real issue here? We all know that X's lie in court all the time, and make up documents if possible. This has happened to us, and it's bitten her in the @$$ every time. But, costs him attorney's fees every time also. That's less money for the children, isn't it?

Before my stepdaughter got her license to drive herself and brother back and forth to our home. We had sitters, and paid alot of money, including 1/2 of her daycare expenses. When she took us back to court to up the child support, the CS was reduced, because she wasn't paying for daycare anymore, since she wasn't working, and couldn't prove that she was paying for these services. He was not only paying for his daycare, but 1/2 of hers as well. Boy, was she PEE O'D.

You're right, we won't be dealing with this much longer. But we suspect, regardless of my stepson's age, with her no age is appropriate. Just to make our lives miserable, she doesn't hire an attorney, so this is hardly costing her a dime, except for filing fees. He doesn't dare go in without proper representation, regardless of what her claims are.

Also, at the rate that she's taking him to court for more money, the CS keeps getting reduced, so hopefully in a few years, he won't have to pay her anything. Now wouldn't that be ideal?

First Right of Refusal or Right of First Refusal...means if one parent is working or gone for an extended time period- the other parent has the option of taking care of the child during that time. I really don't like it, bc it can be abused so easily- and seriously impact extended family time...but it works sometimes. It depends on your individual case.

No one can answer why they won't just cooperate...my nuttyX just wanted to spend money trying to make me look bad. It went on and on and on and on...and finally a judge said "Enough!"

Just Cover Your Butt re; your 11 yr old.

 

[dannysmyboy]

First Right of Refusal or Right of First Refusal...means if one parent is working or gone for an extended time period- the other parent has the option of taking care of the child during that time. I really don't like it, bc it can be abused so easily- and seriously impact extended family time...but it works sometimes. It depends on your individual case.

No one can answer why they won't just cooperate...my nuttyX just wanted to spend money trying to make me look bad. It went on and on and on and on...and finally a judge said "Enough!"

Just Cover Your Butt re; your 11 yr old.

We willl definitely cover!! thanks everyone for taking the time...Good Luck to all the great parents!!