hoping for permission to move

[aspynn72]

For the past 6 years, I have stayed in Wisconsin even though not with my ex. I will try to make this as short as possible.

Got pregnant...got married. Seperated(though not legally) almost 6 yers ago. I stayed around here even though I have no family. My ex's situation: lives with and has been living with girlfriend for over 2 years now..she has two teens from different fathers..they never plan on marrying...my ex does not worry about the little things like swearing in front of our 8 year old or NOT letting him watch movies such as Halloween and Resident Evil. He sees our son every weekend and every other week during the summer. The schedule is this way because we live an hour apart from each other.

My situation...have lived singly and have not asked for support (not a big issue). Reconnected with a flame(from 9 years ago) about 6 months ago. When I first did, I told my ex about it and asked him if me moving with our son would be something he would work with me on(I did not want to get myself into something that would not be a possibility because my guy won't move here and I dont want him to because he has a son down there and family and I DONT have anyone here any way). Twice when I asked, he said he would. When things continued to go well with me and my 'new love', he changed his mind. Now our divorce has been filed but I see a fight coming on about me moving. I have retained a lawyer but my ex is not planning on getting one.

I am pretty sure I will be marrying this man when things are final after my long seperation, but I am wanting to move down south to Alabama. All of the negative things my ex has said about me like not spending enough time with our son (because I have to work another job as I dont receive child support) would be changed in our son's best interest because I would be able to be a stay at home mom. I understand that our son needs his dad in his life and I dont want to take that away from him, but I DO think that, at least in our son's younger years, moving out of the environment that he is in would be best, and into a loving, nurturing and committed family with good morals. I have even offered to NOT ask for child support if my ex would give permission for us to move..and any possible summer vacation/holiday/break times that our son may have throughout the year, I have offered to my ex.

(Okay, not so short, lol)

My question is, with the above circumstances, what do you think my chances of being allowed to move would be? Or would it totally be based on the wishes of my son's father? Do judges take into consideration any of the MORAL issues (i.e. living with someone whom he never intends on marrying...having his main reason for not wanting me to move because "why should he suffer so that I could be happy..?") How can I prepare for such things to come? Is there a good way to 'fight' this or is it pretty much set in stone when it comes to this kind of thing?

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read all of this and to respond. I am miserable in thinking that perhaps my son and I would be missing out on a wonderful life (when he is with me any way). As my ex said to me, "You are in MY territory now and you're STUCK!"

Thanking you from Wisconsin,
aspynn72

 

[LdiJ]

For the past 6 years, I have stayed in Wisconsin even though not with my ex. I will try to make this as short as possible.

Got pregnant...got married. Seperated(though not legally) almost 6 yers ago. I stayed around here even though I have no family. My ex's situation: lives with and has been living with girlfriend for over 2 years now..she has two teens from different fathers..they never plan on marrying...my ex does not worry about the little things like swearing in front of our 8 year old or NOT letting him watch movies such as Halloween and Resident Evil. He sees our son every weekend and every other week during the summer. The schedule is this way because we live an hour apart from each other.

My situation...have lived singly and have not asked for support (not a big issue). Reconnected with a flame(from 9 years ago) about 6 months ago. When I first did, I told my ex about it and asked him if me moving with our son would be something he would work with me on(I did not want to get myself into something that would not be a possibility because my guy won't move here and I dont want him to because he has a son down there and family and I DONT have anyone here any way). Twice when I asked, he said he would. When things continued to go well with me and my 'new love', he changed his mind. Now our divorce has been filed but I see a fight coming on about me moving. I have retained a lawyer but my ex is not planning on getting one.

I am pretty sure I will be marrying this man when things are final after my long seperation, but I am wanting to move down south to Alabama. All of the negative things my ex has said about me like not spending enough time with our son (because I have to work another job as I dont receive child support) would be changed in our son's best interest because I would be able to be a stay at home mom. I understand that our son needs his dad in his life and I dont want to take that away from him, but I DO think that, at least in our son's younger years, moving out of the environment that he is in would be best, and into a loving, nurturing and committed family with good morals. I have even offered to NOT ask for child support if my ex would give permission for us to move..and any possible summer vacation/holiday/break times that our son may have throughout the year, I have offered to my ex.

(Okay, not so short, lol)

My question is, with the above circumstances, what do you think my chances of being allowed to move would be? Or would it totally be based on the wishes of my son's father? Do judges take into consideration any of the MORAL issues (i.e. living with someone whom he never intends on marrying...having his main reason for not wanting me to move because "why should he suffer so that I could be happy..?") How can I prepare for such things to come? Is there a good way to 'fight' this or is it pretty much set in stone when it comes to this kind of thing?

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read all of this and to respond. I am miserable in thinking that perhaps my son and I would be missing out on a wonderful life (when he is with me any way). As my ex said to me, "You are in MY territory now and you're STUCK!"

Thanking you from Wisconsin,
aspynn72

Well, its really all depends on how the judge views your reasons for moving. The fact that your marriage would enable you to be a "stay at home mom" could be significant. However your husband has exercised signficant parenting time with your child and obviously has a close relationship with the child as well. I would not recommend trying to use any "morality" issues in your arguements.

 

[nextwife]

Well, its really all depends on how the judge views your reasons for moving. The fact that your marriage would enable you to be a "stay at home mom" could be significant.

I'm not sure how significant any more, as at this age the child will be in school. She's been apart from the father for over 6 years. So the child must be at least 5+, likely older. In WI at least, many districts start them in school at 4, virtually all have them in school by 5. Mine is 7 and in 2nd grade. I'm not sure about Alabama schools, but many WI public districts are very good and have very good track records, so she may be facing removal to an inferior school district, which could be a negative argument. So It is very likely this child is now of an age to be in school full-time, which negates the impact of having a SAHM.

 

[LdiJ]

I'm not sure how significant any more, as at this age the child will be in school. She's been apart from the father for over 6 years. So the child must be at least 5+, likely older. In WI at least, many districts start them in school at 4, virtually all have them in school by 5. Mine is 7 and in 2nd grade. I'm not sure about Alabama schools, but many WI public districts are very good and have very good track records, so she may be facing removal to an inferior school district, which could be a negative argument. So It is very likely this child is now of an age to be in school full-time, which negates the impact of having a SAHM.

Good point. The Alabama public schools are fairly poor (at least in the area that my sister lives in). However most parents with any reasonable income at all send their children to private schools so depending on what the plans are that may not be a factor. There can still be some benefit to an SAHM for school aged children, particularly in the area of homework and depending on how early the child gets home from school, when the child is sick, on non school days etc. However I agree that its not nearly as significant as the preschool years.

 

[aspynn72]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I understand what you have said. I know it will not play any role at all in the judges decision, but my guy has a son also...my son has always wanted a brother or sister. The reason I said that about the STAM is because it seems all of the arguments that my ex has had have been about the fact that I dont spend enough time with our son...saying he needs sports in his life and would I get him involved in that stuff or would I get out and throw a football with him and such (Which I have done too). He also stated that he "didn't want me to take our son and mold him into another me.." By this he means the fact that I,although not a holy-roller, am a Christian.
He sstates that we need to do what's best for our son, but this is something that I would not consider if I didn't think it WAS good for him. Like I said before, I KNOW that a relationship with his father is important. I would never want to take that away and have ALWAYS been the one for the last 6 years to "not rock the boat" and be make it easier for my ex and not make issues about the things HE does with his life that also concerns our son. Yes, this move would make me happy as well , but I think that it would improve mine and my son's life when he is with me...us moving would mean a committed, loving family, stability, and the time to really BE a mom. Being that I understand that a relationship with his father is important as well, I would do whatever possible tomake sure that he was able to see his dad whenever it was possible...I would even pay for the transportation costs.
I know I am just rambling here...I am a child of parents who have both been married and divorced many times over, but have for the last 6 years tried to NOT do what they all did and have remained on friendly terms with my ex. Now that I and my son have a chance at a better life (when he is with me) I am wondering if I am going to be fighting for nothing. Not once had my ex said he wouldnt allow it because he would miss his son too much. It has all been about NOT agreeing because it would be "a win-win" situation for me (which it really wouldnt because of all of the time I would miss out on having my son as well). Just wondering if I am fighting for nothing..but I know that no one can tell me for sure.
Has anyone been in the same type of situation??

Thanks again,
aspynn72

By the way, according to my guy, the school is a very good one and is in a smaller community and out more in the country..not in the big city. I have never been a fan of raising our son in Milwaukee.

 

[Chelle0511]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I understand what you have said. I know it will not play any role at all in the judges decision, but my guy has a son also...my son has always wanted a brother or sister. The reason I said that about the STAM is because it seems all of the arguments that my ex has had have been about the fact that I dont spend enough time with our son...saying he needs sports in his life and would I get him involved in that stuff or would I get out and throw a football with him and such (Which I have done too). He also stated that he "didn't want me to take our son and mold him into another me.." By this he means the fact that I,although not a holy-roller, am a Christian.
He sstates that we need to do what's best for our son, but this is something that I would not consider if I didn't think it WAS good for him. Like I said before, I KNOW that a relationship with his father is important. I would never want to take that away and have ALWAYS been the one for the last 6 years to "not rock the boat" and be make it easier for my ex and not make issues about the things HE does with his life that also concerns our son. Yes, this move would make me happy as well , but I think that it would improve mine and my son's life when he is with me...us moving would mean a committed, loving family, stability, and the time to really BE a mom. Being that I understand that a relationship with his father is important as well, I would do whatever possible tomake sure that he was able to see his dad whenever it was possible...I would even pay for the transportation costs.
I know I am just rambling here...I am a child of parents who have both been married and divorced many times over, but have for the last 6 years tried to NOT do what they all did and have remained on friendly terms with my ex. Now that I and my son have a chance at a better life (when he is with me) I am wondering if I am going to be fighting for nothing. Not once had my ex said he wouldnt allow it because he would miss his son too much. It has all been about NOT agreeing because it would be "a win-win" situation for me (which it really wouldnt because of all of the time I would miss out on having my son as well). Just wondering if I am fighting for nothing..but I know that no one can tell me for sure.
Has anyone been in the same type of situation??

Thanks again,
aspynn72

By the way, according to my guy, the school is a very good one and is in a smaller community and out more in the country..not in the big city. I have never been a fan of raising our son in Milwaukee.

~Maybe try and talk to the child's father and see if he would agree to have his son all summer and school breaks. This would give him plenty of time to "throw a football" and various other sports. Things like this are so hard to predict. Again, it all depends on the judge. I would definately try and work something out with him prior to going to court! Good Luck!

 

[aspynn72]

we were going to go the easy way

Thank you for your post.
Actually, we HAD talked about things before. In fact, as I wrote in my first post, I had even asked my ex TWICE before diving into this relationship, whether or not he would work with me on it. It wasn't until months later when we started talking about doing the easy-out divorce, that he changed his mind. When I started talking about what we were going to agree on and about moving, he decided he WASNT going to allow it. So, now I have had to get an attorney...I have pleaded with my ex to be able to move and that I would not even ask for child support...and that he could just be responsible for the travels..or vice versa. I told him that he could have his son all of those times I mentioned. I tried showing him that even though I would like to be able to move, that I am willing to still be as fair as possible in regards to his time with his son. After all, I do everything during the school year as it is...homework, conferences, etc. He has the weekends and likes to play football with him and go fishing..all the 'fun' stuff. I would think that he would be excited to have him all summer +. But as I said before, I believe this 'battle' is more about my ex not wanting me to be happy at his expense...just from words he has spoken. I have never been vindictive about things, probably to a fault. I have made it very easy for my ex for the last 6 years. He lives with his girlfriend, doesn't pay child support (since we are still technically married) and his family is all around these parts (even though he really doesn't like to be around either one of them). My son is the ONLY thing thas has kept me here despite the fact I don't like it here and have no family here. But now I feel like he is thinking of me as selfish, even though some of these changes WOULD benefit our son, I believe. I know we all have a right to change our minds, but I feel like it was pretty crappy of him to say yes to something like this and now make my life hell. Basically, I feel like I am going to end up having to remain miserable here, giving up on a great life for the both of us and giving up the love I have for this person because we wont be able to be a family. I know I sound bitter here, but I truly believe that things can be worked out if two people truly want them to. I know this because I have been there (as a child of divorce) and have seen it.

Thanks for listening to me vent.
~aspynn72

**Any ideas of what might persuade my ex to reconsider?

 

[Chelle0511]

Thank you for your post.
Actually, we HAD talked about things before. In fact, as I wrote in my first post, I had even asked my ex TWICE before diving into this relationship, whether or not he would work with me on it. It wasn't until months later when we started talking about doing the easy-out divorce, that he changed his mind. When I started talking about what we were going to agree on and about moving, he decided he WASNT going to allow it. So, now I have had to get an attorney...I have pleaded with my ex to be able to move and that I would not even ask for child support...and that he could just be responsible for the travels..or vice versa. I told him that he could have his son all of those times I mentioned. I tried showing him that even though I would like to be able to move, that I am willing to still be as fair as possible in regards to his time with his son. After all, I do everything during the school year as it is...homework, conferences, etc. He has the weekends and likes to play football with him and go fishing..all the 'fun' stuff. I would think that he would be excited to have him all summer +. But as I said before, I believe this 'battle' is more about my ex not wanting me to be happy at his expense...just from words he has spoken. I have never been vindictive about things, probably to a fault. I have made it very easy for my ex for the last 6 years. He lives with his girlfriend, doesn't pay child support (since we are still technically married) and his family is all around these parts (even though he really doesn't like to be around either one of them). My son is the ONLY thing thas has kept me here despite the fact I don't like it here and have no family here. But now I feel like he is thinking of me as selfish, even though some of these changes WOULD benefit our son, I believe. I know we all have a right to change our minds, but I feel like it was pretty crappy of him to say yes to something like this and now make my life hell. Basically, I feel like I am going to end up having to remain miserable here, giving up on a great life for the both of us and giving up the love I have for this person because we wont be able to be a family. I know I sound bitter here, but I truly believe that things can be worked out if two people truly want them to. I know this because I have been there (as a child of divorce) and have seen it.

Thanks for listening to me vent.
~aspynn72

**Any ideas of what might persuade my ex to reconsider?

~Time, maybe.
One question, have either of you filed for divorce?

 

[aspynn72]

filed

My father helped me to retain a lawyer when he heard about the situation. My dad was never a big fan of my ex's way of life any way...ut that is beside the point and has no bearing on anything. I have filed..and at this point we are now getting the paperwork done (marital agreement and such) and getting the parental education classes out of the way. We hope to have all of this done by March 30th so that we can get a hearing date. Things take so long up here. So my lawyer knows my situation and desires..I am only hoping that perhaps something may be able to be worked out before anything would have to go to trial. I am SO not one to want to point fingers and try to make my ex out to be a bad father, which he is not despite the things I do differently, but I am not sure that I have enough defende to make the move seem more beneficial, ya know? I am not sure that providing a loving, stable and morally strong family is going to be enough....

Thanks again,
aspynn72

 

[candi4687]

Check with a lawyer in your area and find out what the law states specifically about the Relocating Parent Law. Basically you will have to prove to the court, if your husband petitons the move, that the move is in the best intrest of the child and how this move could better the life of your family.

 

[aspynn72]

Yes...that is the problem. It would better the life of MY family with my son....but not the family with his father. What we both think is what's in the best interest are totally different because of our different life styles.

I know there is no way to tell me what is going to happen. I was just hoping that maybe I would have a chance...but it sounds like many things are probably not taken into consideration when the decision is made by the judge. If it is just based on the fact that my son's dad is a part of his life and that he is not an un-fit father, I should probably just not get my hopes up. I will probably just be wasting my money by fighting it. And the whole family thing I was hoping for is probably out of the question . Not feeling sorry for myself here, just trying to talk myself up realistically.

Thanks for the posts..

aspynn72

 

[rebeccaapq]

I am in the same situation in another state. Just wanted to say I wish you well.

 

[aspynn72]

I am thinking that ym best bet IS to try to talk my ex into working something out. Maybe this is all about ME being in control...maybe if I make it seem like HE is more in control (even though he really HAS had the upper hand for the time we have been apart) then maybe he will be more willing to work with me. I am feeling like fighting against him is only going to make him feel like he is backed into a corner. I don't know...sometimes I wish I wasn't so considerate of everyone ELSE'S feelings, lol. Things may be a whole lot easier in this situation if we hated each other! Okay, I wouldn't want that either for my son's sake...

Thanks for the well wishing...I hope the same for you and PLEASE feel free to write to me personally. Maybe we could both learn something and share it with the other in case it helps!

Much luck!
aspynn72

 

[LdiJ]

I am thinking that ym best bet IS to try to talk my ex into working something out. Maybe this is all about ME being in control...maybe if I make it seem like HE is more in control (even though he really HAS had the upper hand for the time we have been apart) then maybe he will be more willing to work with me. I am feeling like fighting against him is only going to make him feel like he is backed into a corner. I don't know...sometimes I wish I wasn't so considerate of everyone ELSE'S feelings, lol. Things may be a whole lot easier in this situation if we hated each other! Okay, I wouldn't want that either for my son's sake...

Thanks for the well wishing...I hope the same for you and PLEASE feel free to write to me personally. Maybe we could both learn something and share it with the other in case it helps!

Much luck!
aspynn72

Your husband has really had it easy for the last 6 years. He has had all the priveledges of parenthood without the responsibilities (child support). Clearly he loves his son, but it may be that the issue of child support has become a reality to him and he is hoping for custody if you move, so that he does not have to deal with that.

I would suggest making it very clear that if you don't get permission to relocate with your son, that you WILL NOT be relocating at all....and reiterate what you are willing to offer in terms of parenting time. I don't know what your financial resources are going to be...but the more time you can offer (with you responsible for the costs) the better.

 

[haiku]

I would think now that divorce proceedings are being handled officially, there is going to be a child support award whether wanted or not, so I doubt that will be a worthy bargaining chip