How does adultry affect a divorce with proof?

[Proserpina]

I'm so glad you shared the things you did. I never once thought of it as you did. How the court or he could claim that I set everything up to get something out of it.....the world is truely a sick place.

Because unfortunately it's happened. Please don't misunderstand - nobody here supports or condones adultery (I think I can speak for most, if not all!). But you must realize that yes, there have been many instances when the spouse's discovery of such has been used a tool to blackmail or manipulate the cheating spouse into a higher/better financial settlement. And with the popularity of social networking sites it's become easier for one spouse to certainly attempt to make the other look as bad as possible.

But I'm glad you brought that to my attention in the light that you did. I guess the only way to prove it would be to contact the women that he was involved with and see if they are willing to make statements. I do have alot of their contact info and I'm pretty sure alot of the girls didn't know about each other or me. He was involved with at least ten women via phone conversations and in person. Hundreds of women he contacted via internet.

The other thing is...did he actually physically commit adultery? Are you really willing to try and subpoena the other parties? And bear the expense of that?

Bottom line is I can make it with or with out his financial support. Would it be nice if he could help me...yes it would. I've sacrificed so much for him I would hope he could sacrifice some for me. But I know it's every man for himself and I can't rely on a hand out. I'm seeing a professional counsler currently because all of this and see was the one who mentioned alimony and finding out what my options were.

Frankly you deserve better than a cheating, lying rat if that's what he is - but you did obtain the information under very shady circumstances and chances are you won't be able to use it against him in court anyway.

Thing is, it's not like we had a bad marriage. I never would have guessed he was doing these things behind my back. Of course I am still very angry and hurt over it all.....I can't deny that. I am really trying to put emotions aside and get my ducks in a row. I'm not doing anything like retalliating or revenge or things like that. I just want this thing to pan out as fair as it can.

I know this will sound ignorant so please excuse me for asking and try to see my point of view without judging. Why is it so wrong that I gained control over his email? Is that breaking the law? I know if a cop doesnt have a warrant then they can't search people's personal property and if they do with out a warrant then the evidence doesn't stand in court. Is it kinda like the same thing in this situation?

It could very well be against the law, yes. It may not. But when you're trying to use evidence in court, the evidence must have been obtained correctly - and yours wasn't. Your analogy is pretty close - you certainly (obviously) didn't have his permission to access his private information. Marriage doesn't give you both the right to pry.

I wasn't trying to do anything wrong. I was trying to find out the truth. Thank God I don't have any STD's from this man. Once I found the truth I wanted to be able to capture it so that he couldn't continue lying. My intent was good. But from the way you are talking I went about things the wrong way?

You know, it's really not that you went about it the wrong way - though yes, you did - but that you're expending so much energy on this particular aspect. Don't give him that kind of power over you. Also you had a very, very short-term marriage..even if you had solid evidence and could present it, it's still highly unlikely you'd receive anything more than a token and very short-lived alimony payment.

Honestly, you're far better advised to go your own way and move on.

 

[cyjeff]

Am I the only one uncomfortable with this?

No, you are not.

That is a crime in the state of Pennsylvania.

 

[254lady28]

No, you are not.

That is a crime in the state of Pennsylvania.

So I commited a crime by breaking his email account he was using for infidelity? Is that when I crossed the legal line? He now knows I have control of the account. I didn't hide that fact from him. Could he use that to hurt me?

This is reminding me of the story about the robber who fell through the roof of the house he was robbing and sued the people he was robbing because he got hurt. How does the justice system let things like that happen? If I am in the wrong by all means I'll take responsibility for my misjudgements. I will appreciate any advice you have to offer or criticism(spelling?).

I am assuming your point is the same as Proserpina, just to leave the lying rat and move on.

Thank you Proserpina, your hitting the nail on the head with my situation and I'm glad to see you are getting my drift. It can be hard expressing views on this forum because sometimes they are taken the wrong way. Whenever I use this site I do my best to watch every word I write so as not to be misunderstood.

I can't remember who gave me the link to the PA definitions of law pertaining to adultry and what proof you would need, but thank you, it was very helpful.

To answer your question Pro, Did he commit adultry.....I'll never know. All he has admitted to me is that him and one of the women had fondled. Which in PA it said penitration of the sex organs had to take place. With the "evidence" I have whether it would stand up in court or not, if you were to look at it, you might not be able to prove without a shadow of a doubt but it's pretty dang close.

The thing that bothers me the most about this is there were quite a few he was involved with through recruiting. One of them he put in the army and he had at least a year long relationship with her. The jerk even had her in his office alone at one time when I stopped by unexpectedly. Of course at the time I didn't know what they were doing..... I only had my suspicions and no proof at that point.

I guess I'm putting so much effort into this because it's still all so raw. We were together for three years before we got married. I know that still isn't very long compared to some but none the less my heart is still broken. Shoot, for the four years we've been together, half of it he was doing this behind my back.

Also alot of the time he was doing these things via internet....he was using a computer at the recruiting office. He claims that they regularly wipe the computer clean and update new stuff to it so he doesn't think there is anyway for anyone to know what he was using it for. If anyone is computer savy....would there be any way to check that computer to see what he had used it for? I think everything he did on it was online.(his email, the sex profile website)

 

[Ozark_Sophist]

Hacking the email has the potential for both civil and criminal penalty. For you to introduce the evidence in court, you would have to testify as to how you obtained that information. He could turn around and sue you--$1000 for each unauthorized access (email, logon, etc.). So if you looked at a 100 emails, potential exposure is $100,000.

 

[Silverplum]

So I commited a crime by breaking his email account he was using for infidelity? Is that when I crossed the legal line? He now knows I have control of the account. I didn't hide that fact from him. Could he use that to hurt me?

Yes indeed.

This is reminding me of the story about the robber who fell through the roof of the house he was robbing and sued the people he was robbing because he got hurt. How does the justice system let things like that happen? If I am in the wrong by all means I'll take responsibility for my misjudgements. I will appreciate any advice you have to offer or criticism(spelling?).

You're held responsible for your own actions.
Your analogy is not apt in your case, and we're really only here to discuss your case/your questions, not everything that is or may be wrong with "the legal system."

It can be hard expressing views on this forum because sometimes they are taken the wrong way. Whenever I use this site I do my best to watch every word I write so as not to be misunderstood.

Imagine opening your mouth in court and saying the very-wrong thing. You learn here, you profit in court.

I can't remember who gave me the link to the PA definitions of law pertaining to adultry and what proof you would need, but thank you, it was very helpful.

You're welcome.

To answer your question Pro, Did he commit adultry.....I'll never know. All he has admitted to me is that him and one of the women had fondled. Which in PA it said penitration of the sex organs had to take place. With the "evidence" I have whether it would stand up in court or not, if you were to look at it, you might not be able to prove without a shadow of a doubt but it's pretty dang close.

I doubt it with a large vastness of doubt.

If anyone is computer savy....would there be any way to check that computer to see what he had used it for? I think everything he did on it was online.(his email, the sex profile website)

You really don't want to go there. People in glass houses -- and you seem to be living in a fancy one right now -- shouldn't throw stones. Reference Ozark Sophist's post.

 

[cyjeff]

To put it another way...

you are not allowed to shoot him because he cheated on you.

On action is usually NOT a good reason for a secondary action.

From a legal standpoint, you are actually in much worse trouble than he is.

 

[Silverplum]

To put it another way...

you are not allowed to shoot him because he cheated on you.

On action is usually NOT a good reason for a secondary action.

From a legal standpoint, you are actually in much worse trouble than he is.

Agreed!

And all this for what? A divorce? A marriage/dating relationship of just a few years?

What does the poster think the "evidence" will be presented? Criminal court?

Sheesh.

 

[254lady28]

Thank You

I am so thankful for this forum where I can get advice before I go out and stick my own foot down my throat.

To any of you that gave me advice and shined light on my situation, I am grateful.

Obviously by the situation I am in a turmoil of emotions and am trying to handle things the best way from all angles that I possibly can.

I am human, I make mistakes to. I don't want him shot. I don't want him hurting more people either because I didn't speak up.

Bottom line for myself is I need to stay focused on me and what I can do for my son and I. I know this. Counseling is helping me to realize what I do and do not have control over and he is definately not something I do.

I know close to nothing about law. So in closing, Happy Holidays and Thanks again.

 

[254lady28]

Hacking the email has the potential for both civil and criminal penalty. For you to introduce the evidence in court, you would have to testify as to how you obtained that information. He could turn around and sue you--$1000 for each unauthorized access (email, logon, etc.). So if you looked at a 100 emails, potential exposure is $100,000.

would it be for invasion of privacy?

 

[Ronin]

I don't want him hurting more people either because I didn't speak up.

You should stop trying to rationalize how turning him in will keep him from hurting more people. You obtained this information illegally, as it is an invasion of privacy and against the law to hack into someones private email accounts.
This was compounded by you hijacking the email account so he no longer has access to it, and you have total control over the account and everything in it. Any decent attorney could rip into this issue and you if you try to make a case out of it, and rules of evidence will surely render anything in this account inadmissable in court.

 

[cyjeff]

In fact, I would return the password to it's previous state and forget you ever saw the email.

Don't print it, don't think about it, don't talk about it... it didn't happen.

 

[Nevergrowup]

I am not all that familiar with Military laws, but isn't adultry a crime? Maybe I missed it, but I haven't seen any posts addressing this...if some of these affairs are with women he is helping enlist, I would think the Military would have a problem with that. It seems to me that this is beyond her breaking into her husband's email account. Perhaps I am wrong, but I would think that this improper conduct would be of interest to his superiors...not for just the adultry factor but the potential liability that this man is creating for the military. If he is in a position of trust (recruiter) and he is abusing that, shouldn't a superior be notified? It sounds like he is abusing his position and reflecting poorly on the Military.

 

[cyjeff]

I am not all that familiar with Military laws, but isn't adultry a crime? Maybe I missed it, but I haven't seen any posts addressing this...if some of these affairs are with women he is helping enlist, I would think the Military would have a problem with that. It seems to me that this is beyond her breaking into her husband's email account. Perhaps I am wrong, but I would think that this improper conduct would be of interest to his superiors...not for just the adultry factor but the potential liability that this man is creating for the military. If he is in a position of trust (recruiter) and he is abusing that, shouldn't a superior be notified? It sounds like he is abusing his position and reflecting poorly on the Military.

I saw nothing legally obtained that showed proof of this adultery.