how many are in the wrong?

[madzmom]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?California.

Last night I called the police on my husband because he shoved me into the wall. (I eventually ended on the ground after hitting the wall and a box containing an iron curtain rod.) I told the dispatcher that I wanted medical assistance, as I had a (slightly) bloody scrape and bruise on my arm from the incident. I also voluntarily told the dispatcher that we had been arguing and that earlier, I lightly punched my husband. He didn't have any signs of injuries -- the officer who "took care of us" even checked.
I explained to the dispatcher and the officer that my husband and I had been arguing (neither of us had been drinking, and we don't do drugs) and that he kicked me "accidentally" while getting on the bed as I was walking behind him. I wanted my husband to apologize -- even IF it was an accident -- since he said he apologized to others for doing similar things, accident or not. (You see, I just want him to treat me the way a husband should treat his wife, that is, with respect and decency. Heck, I would be thrilled if he treated me as a human being, as there have been many, many times that he's treated me as though I'm nothing.) Anyhow, he didn't apologize, even when I told him I wanted an apology. Instead, he said, "Well, excuse me for getting into bed." I was pissed -- part of it was from growing anger from similar incidents -- and I socked him with my right hand (I'm a lefty), but not as hard as I could, and not with the intention of physically hurting him. I did it to prove a point: I hit him and said, "Well, excuse me for having my hand near your body," or something to that effect.

Anyhow, he threatened to call the police but instead went into another room. I followed, as did my mom, and my husband and I continued to argue, part of it through the door, as my mom and I were in the hallway. He tried to shut the door on me and shouted at me to leave him alone.

(I've told him time and time again that asking and acting nicely might actually get him what he wants.) After about 10 minutes of arguing, part of it through the door, he opened the door and shoved me into the wall (a corner wall with the "right angle" facing out, I might add). My mother, who was right next to me, witnessed that. She might have even gotten a piece of his shove.

We both told the police of the shoving incident. He also told the police what I volunteered about the punching incident.

Well....
The police arrested ME for a misdemenor of spousal battery. (My first, and hopefully, last arrest.) They questioned my mom, and she said she didn't see me hit my husband, but that she saw him shove me.
I wanted to know what was going to happen to my husband for shoving me. I even kept asking to have pictures taken of my injuries, as that is what the officer who arrested my husband a few months ago from hitting me with a pizza box did. That was a felony on him, which was eventually dropped due to "lack of evidence." As far as taking pictures this time, the officer didn't and said it didn't matter what my husband did to me. I also kept saying I wanted to press charges. He kept saying I can do that if I want, and that he would even put that in the file. He would tell me he would do this later in the trip to the police station and even when we got there. Well, after an hour or so of me waiting, the officer who was going to take me to jail showed up and had me stand near the desk and my brown-bag of personal belongings. I asked him to check my paperwork to see whether the arresting officer had written that I wish to press charges. Ahem, the driver-officer told me to go back to the holding area. He then radioed the arresting officer and they talked -- I couldn't hear exactly what. The arresting officer came back to the area, took my paperwork back to his computer, opened the file and typed, typed, typed. So much for being reassured, "I'll put that in the report."

Were the police wrong to not have arrested my husband as well? The officer kept telling me, it doesn't matter what he did because I STARTED IT when I punched him.

As I told the officer, a few hours before the socking incident, he threw my purse out of the car and dragged me out of the car and onto the grass when I didn't want to get out after he shouted at me to.

The officer said, "Well, you should have called the police then."
My husband should have called the police after I hit him, then....right??? Why is it when I called the police pretty much immediately (I threatened to call if he didn't calm down by the time I counted to 10 or apologize) after my husband shoved me, I get arrested for something that MAYBE my husband should've called the police for after THAT happened?

My husband apologized to me after I called the police. Wow.

At the police station I asked the arresting officer, "Well, what is the time frame then as far as who started it?" He just kept saying, "It doesn't matter." As in...whatever he did to you before and after you hit him doesn't matter!!!

Should I press charges against my husband, or would that make things worse?

Were the police wrong in the way they handled the situation? Would I have a valid case if I file a complaint against the police? What would that accomplish, if anything?
Should I not have volunteered that I punched my husband? I feel as though I should have taken my husband's well-troden route (on previous times I called the police on him) of: I don't remember doing that.
It seemed to work for him, what with a felony charge against him being dropped due to "lack of evidence," plus officers who responded to my
calls disregarding the incidents. BTW, he would later tell me (of course, after the dropped charge and after the police leave), that, "Yeah, I remember hitting you."

Honesty is a big deal to me. I guess I'm stupid for telling the truth even if it puts me in a bad light.


BTW, my husband also got away with threatening to kill me while I was pregnant even after admitting to the police that he did that by saying, "But I didn't mean it." Maybe I should have told the officer that I didn't mean to hit my husband.

I've talked to the domestic-violence center in my area, and the legal advocate there said the police around here basically can't be depended on. They lack training in DV, the center said. And even worse, that FEMALE OFFICERS are worse than males in how they handle DV.

I can see why so many people don't trust the police.

I hope to GOD that this time I actually file a restraining order and press charges, although the DV center said I might not get a restraining order since now I look like the perp. I know that what I did was wrong, and I even told the arresting officer and his partner that I shouldn't have hit my husband. But I also want to know whether I should do anything about the police.
What if my husband and broken one of my limbs or knocked me out? Would I still be the only one arrested because "I started it"?

BTW, I asked for medical treatment, which the officers pretty much refused to give me, for my minor injuries because I feel that my refusal of medical treatment the time I received a bruised neck from my husband hitting me with a pizza box was part of the reason the felony charge was dropped for "lack of evidence." The arresting officer noted in HER report that I refused MT. I said I didn't feel that I had any broken bones or any really major injuries. I guess I got burned again.

Yes, I know I'm stupid for being with a jerk who can't even control his violence when his wife's pregnant. We've tried counseling -- separate and joint -- as well as prayer, changing religions, staying in separate bedrooms, having my parents move in with us, "shape up or my daughter and I are going to ship out," anger management for him, smoking for me (not near my daughter, and I use designated "smoking clothes" and wash up thoroughly afterward. i believe it actually helps me handle my husband's crap. i'm not saying smoking is a good thing.) Having a baby. But hey, even him facing a felony charge hasn't changed him. He was violent -- even at work -- way before I met him. My mom thinks he's sick in the head. (Oh yeah, during an argument earlier this year, he told me that he HAS changed. That, "If this were last year, I would have beaten you to death and chopped up your body to hide the evidence.)
I stick with him because love is blind and LOVE BLINDS. I want him to be a good, nonviolent, loving person.
Funny thing, my husband's aunt -- whom he stays with sometimes when we're arguing -- stuck with her abusive husband for 25 years. She said it took him putting a gun to her head for her to leave. She said to me after my husband was arrested: Well, you do push his buttons. Oh, he pushes my buttons plenty of times. The DV center said the aunt probably still has the "it's the victim's" fault mentality. And I have some of that mentality, too, since he has said things like, "no one's going to believe you," "you wouldn't be able to have custody of our daughter because you don't have a job." He's also said, "Violence is the only way to get through to you." And to this incident I'm asking about, he said his shoving me was MY fault. Yeah, I see the arresting officer thinks so, too.

 

[madzmom]

some more

Some previous incidents:
The last time I had called the police was when my husband snatched my glasses from my face (leaving a scratch on my face) and throwing them against the wall hard enough that they broke to the point of being unusable (frames AND one lens). He also threatened me ("If you open that door I'm going to chop off your hands.") and my mother ("Leave me alone or else you'll have a price to pay, too.") I told the police officer what happened and even showed him my glasses. My husband didn't deny it, for sure. He might have even admitted it. I asked the police officer to look at my face. He barely gave it a glimpse -- in a dark room, I might add -- and said he didn't see anything. The officer just said to go to counseling or separate. BTW, my husband felt that he was going to be arrested again and was gathering his jacket, wallet, etc., together.

The next time I called the police after my husband's arrest, my husband was pretty scared and was afraid of getting arrested again. He ended up leaving and calling the police and told them that he shoved my arm but said I was in his way. The officer told me that yeah, I was in his way. As though what? I'm in my husband's way, he doesn't even have the decency to say, "Excuse me," and instead shoves my arm. And it's my fault because I was in his way???

One last thing, this arresting officer told me that my husband didn't want to press charges against me, that the officer did it on his own. Why didn't the officers feel the need to press charges against my husband on the aforementioned and other incidents? Heck, one officer who responded to my call said he wasn't going to press charges but that he would write a report about it. I believe this was the incident in which I was pregnant and vomitting nine times in 30 minutes, crying, too. My husband and I were arguing and I managed to lock myself in the bathroom despite him bashing the door even though he saw that I was trying to shut it using my whole body. He called me pathetic, among other things, and kept bashing the door and some nearby walls. The neighbors probably could hear the incident going on, as the walls in our neighborhood are quite thin and there's about 8 feet between houses. So I wait the 2 weeks or so to pick up the report and find out the officer didn't feel there was enough to even write one!

 

[stealth2]

Okay, I'll admit that I quit reading part way through - it is simply too long a narrative to wade through. The two of you need counseling. Separately and together.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Okay, I'll admit that I quit reading part way through - it is simply too long a narrative to wade through. The two of you need counseling. Separaterly and together.

JERRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[CdwJava]

I explained to the dispatcher and the officer that my husband and I had been arguing (neither of us had been drinking, and we don't do drugs) and that he kicked me "accidentally" while getting on the bed as I was walking behind him. I wanted my husband to apologize

The police aren't therapists - they are there to do a job.

I even kept asking to have pictures taken of my injuries, as that is what the officer who arrested my husband a few months ago from hitting me with a pizza box did. That was a felony on him, which was eventually dropped due to "lack of evidence."

In other words, you decided to recant or refused to cooperate. if they had photos of injuries AND your cooperation, chances are they would have gone forward.

Were the police wrong to not have arrested my husband as well? The officer kept telling me, it doesn't matter what he did because I STARTED IT when I punched him.

The officer is encouraged to arrest the "primary aggressor". This is determined at the scene based upon whatever information the officer can glean at the scene. He apparently felt that the fight was the result of your actions, and thus he offered to put your statements in the report. If the DA thought he had a counter case, he would have filed against him as well.

I've talked to the domestic-violence center in my area, and the legal advocate there said the police around here basically can't be depended on. They lack training in DV, the center said. And even worse, that FEMALE OFFICERS are worse than males in how they handle DV.

Of course ... and I bet they blame the police and the DA for a lack of prosecutions as well. Never mind that 3/4 of victims recant or refuse to cooperate and that a case cannot be brought to court unless there is a reasonable chance that the charges can be proven beyond a reasonable doubt.

From both your posts it sounds as if you two have a rather raucous relationship. It's also pretty obvious that prior arrests haven't gone anywhere and I will bet it's because of a lack of cooperation on your part. It might also be due to a lack of evidence.

If the police respond out to a location multiple times it becomes impossible to prosecute either party because both are suspect. The DA can't pursue a case without clear evidence. And if one or both parties have been made out to be aggressors or liars, it makes the case impossible to pursue.

You may not like it, but the choice is your as to what happens from here. You can remain in a violent relationship or you can get out. It WILL only get worse.

- Carl

 

[madzmom]

Okay, I'll admit that I quit reading part way through - it is simply too long a narrative to wade through. The two of you need counseling. Separately and together.

yeah, i admit, wrote A LOT!
but in my post I noted some of the things we've done to deal with our problems, including joint and individual counseling. we tried counseling for about a year. we both didn't find it worked. i mean, you see a counselor, what, an hour a week? what do you do in the many hours between sessions? also, i wrongfully assumed the last thing our marriage counselor said to us would be enough: the only thing your wife wants is for you to love her. after all, he says he does time and time again, yet treats me as though i'm less than even a potential sales customer of his. (cuz i don't have $$$ to give him, one of my friends said.)
he has been violent before even meeting me, and his first wife told him at the end of their divorce that she hopes that someday she'll find a man who will give her the love she's longed for for so long. she put up with him for 25 years! our marriage is only 3 1/2 years old. i'm determined to change him for the better. i guess that's another typical victim's notion, despite so many people counting abusers out.
yes, we've both been on medicationS -- antidepressants and mood stabilizers -- but that actually made things worse, e.g., more violent.

what do you think about the police's treatment of the situation?
thx.

 

[madzmom]

The police aren't therapists - they are there to do a job.


In other words, you decided to recant or refused to cooperate. if they had photos of injuries AND your cooperation, chances are they would have gone forward.

The officer is encouraged to arrest the "primary aggressor".

- Carl

i didn't call the police because my husband didn't apologize to me. i called because he shoved me.

forgive me, but i don't understand why you said i recanted and refused to cooperate. please explain.
i wanted and requested that my injuries from my husband shoving me into the wall be looked at and photographed. the officer said it didn't matter since "I started it" and, i guess you could say, he refused to examine and photograph me.
was i being uncooperative for requesting that i be examined and photographed? shouldn't the officer have looked into my injuries?

so when is someone deemed the "primary aggressor"? what about when my husband dragged me out of the car a few hours before my punch? we were arguing about some of the same things. also, my husband had 10 minutes or so to call the police after I punched him -- he even had a mobile phone and landline in the room he was in. he threatened to call the police yet didn't. i called. because of what he did to me. there weren't any more "acts of violence" after him shoving me.

what about when my husband admitted to the police who responded to my call that yeah, he threatened to kill me and "rip my guts out"? he told the officers he didn't mean it. wasn't he the primary -- and only -- aggressor? i didn't threaten him or punch him before (or after) he threatened me.

would it not have been in my best interest to not have volunteered to the dispatcher and arresting officer that i socked my husband? it seems as though you're better off when you say, "I don't remember doing that," viz., my husband gets off scot free when he says that. The police seem to hold that in the same regard as someone admitting they did something.

btw, i do believe that my husband admitted to the police that he shoved me. but i guess even with that, it doesn't matter???

 

[akwaitress]

get out

Are you stupid? You can't "change" someone. I'm sure his ex-wife thought the same thing and then you deliberately bring a child into this situation. In 20 years when it your daughter crying on your shoulder and your trying to figure out why she puts up with being abused you'll know where she learned that it's ok to put up with this B.S. as long as you "love" him.

 

[CdwJava]

i didn't call the police because my husband didn't apologize to me. i called because he shoved me.

Okay. But you also said you only wanted him to apologize. This is not what the police are there for.

forgive me, but i don't understand why you said i recanted and refused to cooperate. please explain.

If you had visible injuries AND you said you wanted to testify against your husband I doubt that they would have droped the charges. I'm assuming (perhaps incorrectly) that you told someone that you didn't want to testify against him or you decided to try and backtrack on what you told the police at the scene.

i wanted and requested that my injuries from my husband shoving me into the wall be looked at and photographed. the officer said it didn't matter since "I started it" and, i guess you could say, he refused to examine and photograph me.

It very well may NOT have made a difference. Bring it up to your attorney. It sounds like there is at least reasonable doubt as to who might be the primary aggressor.

was i being uncooperative for requesting that i be examined and photographed? shouldn't the officer have looked into my injuries?

Perhaps. But DV incidents are almost always a case of claim and counter claim. Usually the best we can do is try and pick a primary aggressor, arrest them, and hope that we don't have to be back for a while.

so when is someone deemed the "primary aggressor"? what about when my husband dragged me out of the car a few hours before my punch?

The delay lends a lot of incredulity to the claim. If he denies it, then it can be seen as a vain attempt to deflect blame. And older injuries are not proof of injury during the current incident. So if you were injured hours earlier, those injuries are not necessarily relevant to the incident the officer had responded to.

As for determining the primary aggressor, this is rather subjective.

what about when my husband admitted to the police who responded to my call that yeah, he threatened to kill me and "rip my guts out"? he told the officers he didn't mean it. wasn't he the primary -- and only -- aggressor? i didn't threaten him or punch him before (or after) he threatened me.

Threats are not the only criteria in the determiniation.

btw, i do believe that my husband admitted to the police that he shoved me. but i guess even with that, it doesn't matter???

It would depend on who was apparently most to blame.




- Carl

 

[madzmom]

Are you stupid? You can't "change" someone. I'm sure his ex-wife thought the same thing and then you deliberately bring a child into this situation. In 20 years when it your daughter crying on your shoulder and your trying to figure out why she puts up with being abused you'll know where she learned that it's ok to put up with this B.S. as long as you "love" him.

my husband was the one who suggested having a child. heck, he wants to have another child right away. i had doubts, but i was told that sometimes having a child helps, and sometimes it doesn't. he said he doesn't want our daughter to end up with a jerk like him. he also reiterates that he wants to change. he even said he HAS changed...and this is sick: he said during an argument earlier this year, "I have changed. If this were last year, I would have beaten you to death and chopped up your body to hide the evidence." his family has told him to grow up. heck, one "solution" we've tried is having my parents live with us. you know, for one thing, maybe he'd be ashamed to act violently around his wife's parents. and he says he prays that he'll be a good guy. how does one change him or herself? what other options are there besides divorce and counseling? help! is my husband beyond help? is he just plain crazy?
i have been stupid. as a Christian, i hate to give up hope. the new church we belong to has some (male) members who've been real jerks, yet their wives and families stuck by them. eventually, the guys turned their lives around. what am i supposed to believe, that jerks will always be jerks, or that people DO change for the better?

 

[madzmom]

re: when my husband was arrested a few months ago. we never got to a point of me saying whether i was willing to testify. the DA dropped the charges due to lack of evidence. i asked for an explanation but wasn't given one. i am assuming a big part of it was that the police report stated that my husband didn't remember hitting me. however, after he got out of jail, he admitted to me that -- at least now -- he remembers hitting me.

i requested pictures and an examination of my injuries for my arrest yesterday. the police didn't do so.

btw, i'm not saying i shouldn't have been arrested for socking my husband, but whatever happened to fair treatment? he has gotten away with being violent toward me, in this case and other times i've called the police. and before i called the police this last time, i called when our arguments turned violent on his -- and only his -- part. they say all couples argue. i've been told that no matter what i say to my husband as long as i'm not in any way violent, it is not my fault that he gets violent. getting physical is going too far.

msn messenger id: madzmom0704

 

[VeronicaGia]

Look, this has been going on for a while, yet you decided to bring a child and your own parents into it now.

You need to realize that now that you have this child, this guy will be a part of your life for the rest of your life. Divorce doesn't change the fact that he is the father to this child.

You need to get a divorce. If you absolutely refuse to do that, then you need to learn how to put up with being abused. Those are your options.

 

[BL]

I also quit reading the first post after I read enough to know what the heck this is all about .

The old sarcastic remarks towards each other etc .

First off IF you BOTH want to attempt to make your marriage work , you BOTH need counseling .

You BOTH need to get out of Parents home , and live in your own w/o outside interference .

And as someone Stated IF you won't do that get a divorce or put up with it , but personally if you continue to live this way , you will be raising your child to have relationships that involve DV . Shame on you BOTH .

The child should have both Parents in their Life , with love and kindness .
Not a life with abusive Parents .

Poster don't use excuses for your part , there is none .