I lost hope

[Ukiah]

well guys, thanks for all the information and all the help. After what happened today, I may as well give up, because nothing seems to be working out.

My X is going to get away with "murder" and I'm not going to be able to anything about it, because of my 'home' situation... I can't seem to get that right.

UGH, how could I be so stupid!

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

well guys, thanks for all the information and all the help. After what happened today, I may as well give up, because nothing seems to be working out.

My X is going to get away with "murder" and I'm not going to be able to anything about it, because of my 'home' situation... I can't seem to get that right.

UGH, how could I be so stupid!

My response:

E-mail me, and tell me what happened, and what's going on.

IAAL

 

[Ambr]

i hate to hear this news.

i am assuming that you are talking about the non-marriage thing? i can see both sides of that, but your relationship shouldn't be judge by the "statistics" of other relationships.

you have been in a committed relationship for a couple of years. it's not like you just met him and moved him in. the only thing that is missing is the change of name and considering the siutation that you just got out of and the continuing problems from that, you being a little timid of that marriage thing can be understandable.

 

[TBTN]

Ukiah,

don't give up hope, you got this far.I think that is what your ex wants you to do...give up. don't.Find a way to make this work.I believe his latest action indicates that he is scared to lose and would do almost anything to keep from losing.

Good luck

 

[Ukiah]

Thank you for the support. I was so mad this weekend over what happened, and the fact that my bf keeps defending himself, and not me and my daughter that I almost threw up my hands and walked away from it all.

See, what happened (though I may not be able to prove it) was my X lied about a BB game my daughter had on Sunday. When we drove the 100 miles to get there, and called my X to find out what field the game was on, he laughed and said, "Oh, there is no game, the coach must have read the papers wrong". Then *S* hit the fan! My bf went off (he could hear the X on the cell phone), then the X went off on me for what the bf was saying...

I in turn out of being pissed at both of them took it out on the bf, because he seems to not want to come to my defense when the X is standing there in front of him/me, so the X says whatever he wants- and I am left without support!

BUT when the X does something, the bf always says, well, if that was me, I'd do this or that..." Yet when they are face to face, NOTHING. I guess I got fed up with it all, got into an argument with him and decided (irrationaly) that I was just going to give up, because it seems that now that the time is perfect to go for custody, my bf is backing out. AND I can't stand someone who says something and doesn't do it - biggest pet peeve, I have.

Which brings me to my conclusion;

With or Without the bf, I will go for custody. Because I don't want to be one of those people I hate. I promised my little girl I would try, for her, and I'll be damned if ANYONE will try to ruin this for her and I. Hell he's not helping financially anyways, so it's not as though he's 'wasting' money as he once put it.

I do realize that my X would love for me to walk away which is not my intention. I never planned to walk away from her – God, I could never do that.

Yes, I am still pissed, but I've calmed down a bit, and on the advice of IAAL, I will talk to the bf and find out where I stand in his life, and figure out whether he is part of the problem or part of the solution.

I also thought that if my X is going to go off on me for something the bf says, then I can use that against him... I'm willing to ignore comments by the X's new wife, but he still thinks he has all the control.

So in the end this may be a blessing in disguise. And believe me, my eyes are wide open all around now!

Thanks again for the support.

Ukiah

[Edited by Ukiah on 05-08-2001 at 09:28 PM]

 

[LegalBeagle]

Hey babe.. sorry to hear about your problems. I have nothing more to add than IAAL will advise other to state the obvious. If you think for one second that the b/f is a problem, then lose him. Your child comes first and no one should be getting in the way of that.

 

[truth is powerful]

Just a thought to ponder......why dont you get in touch with her coach yourself from now on and refuse to rely on your ex's information? Your boyfriend may be tired of the games he plays on you to control you and he may be tired of watching you set yourself up to be controlled. Some ex's really try to hang on to control over the other person and unfortunately there is already a pattern there from the relationship. If your ex is capable of giving false or careless information make a point to keep in touch with the sources. I know it is difficult to foster a relationship with someone who has an ex still trying to make and break and change all the rules. Give yourself time, think about your boyfriend's support so far(if its been there) and decide what is best for you. Good luck you are a strong intelligent woman and you have your priorities in place.

 

[Ukiah]

The problem wth me getting in touch with the coach is the fact that he and the X are friends... so, he'll cover his ass.

Yes, my Bf is tired of it, yet he doesn't want to do anything to help make the problem go away. I have always felt that by having someone else with me at times of d/o that the X won't say anytihng...So far this has worked. BUT it's a different story when we're on the phone... They have the biggest cajones to say whatever they feel.

As much as I want my bf to be a part of this whole 'drama', I don't need his sarcasm, and uneducated responses (did that sound harsh?) for the situation. I've been learning the laws, and what I can and can't do, and he's sitting there telling me and the X that we 'have' to go by the court order.. without realizing what's at stake here (my daughter). That's why I felt he is trying to ruin my chances of custody, but as I said before, maybe not (I haven't talked to him yet- tonight, definately tonight.

I guess what made me so mad was the fact that he KNOWS the games my X is playing, and by reacting to him and what he said, he's falling into the trap...He's not taking in the BIG picture, just what's in in for him...Nothing, so he thinks.

I talk to the "sources" that matter; teacher's, doctor's, etc, I've learned to get everything in writing from the X, but in this case, the season was supposedly extended for three more games. The X had my daughter call me at 11:15 PM and ask if I could come to a game the next day, I promised. The "game", I might add, was to be at 3:45PM the next day... why have her call so late? I don't know.

I know for a fact that the X wants control over me, that's why he fought so adamantly for custody- because he KNEW that was the ONLY way to get back at me (for kicking him out after I caught him cheating) and so that he can keep 'tabs' on me.

I do have to admit that when he first got custody, and I went into depression, I agreed with them that I was to blame for my daughter's emotional status, and tried my damndest (sp?) to do what it took to not fight with them. Bending over backwards, giving them money on top of support, you name it- as long as things were going the way he wanted, things were fine.

Then one day I admitted I was intimidated by them, and then **BOOM** it hit me; everything they have been doing. Of course I've been out of my depression for 2 and a half years now, and since then, I've been learining the laws.

As much as I would like a civil relationship with the X, I know it is impossible, because he will always think he has control. I don't want control, I want my daughter to be happy. I wish I could lie, I really do, then I can "foster" those feelings towards him, but I'm a straight forward person - or at least I like to think I am. Either way, I can't lie.

I've given myself time to think, and came to a conclusion. No matter what, my daughter comes first, he (bf) can take it or leave it. If after I talk to him (or rather we talk) and he still doesn't understand my side, and what I have at stake, then I will have to do what is right for me, and my daughter.

I know this really wasn't a "Family Law" matter, I appreciate the votes of confidence, and words of wisdom.

I've had too many good things going this year to give up, I realzie that now.

Ukiah



[Edited by Ukiah on 05-08-2001 at 10:54 PM]

 

[TBTN]

I am glad that you are going to keep on trying to get custody of your daughter with out giving up.if your b/f isn't going to back you up on this, lose him.Don't let your ex bait you it's how he gets your attention by knowing how you would react to it by negative attention.And you are right that he is using your daughter as a way to control you.

Just focus on getting your daughter back.