I think I've got it

[mommyanme]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NC

Dad's attorney's office called me a few hours ago and told me before I pick up the papers, which would count down my 30 days to give them something stable starting from the day the judge sign the order, so here's what I've done the last 4 hours. The weeks I lay out are weeks starting when the judge signs the agreement. Tell me where I'm being overbearing or have the wrong idea?

Joint Legal, Mom primary

Weeks

1-4 Dad goes to moms home Mon Wed & Fri for 2 hours each day. Mom will not interfere with visit unless dad asks and mom will only provide directions as to what baby likes giving dad the chance to do it.

5-8 Mon Wed Fri 2 hours each day Dad takes baby where he wishes for visits

9-16 Mon & Wed 3 hour each day And Saturdays from 9-6

17-24 Mon & Wed 3 hours each day and 2 saturdays each 4 weeks(totalling 4 saturdays in 8 weeks)overnight, from 9am Saturday till 12pm Sunday (dad goes to church)

@ 1 year which will be the end of this graduated schedule the plan will be

Evey other weekend from Saturday at 11am to Mon at 11, Once school starts dad will have the option of dropping child off to Mom Sunday night or driving him to school. (we are an hour from each other and I have an older school age child)

On weeks that Dad does not have the child for the weekend then 2 days in that week from 8am-1pm Once school starts Dad will be encouraged to visit child's school at lunch time and since school will interfere with the 2 days during the week and dad's work schedule, Dad will have half a day sunday with child.

Mom and dad will take full advantage of the state's new virtual visitation laws and pay for the services equally. The calendar and journal from the site will be utilized by both. Neither will hinder the others ability to take advantage of this service and reasonable times will be the same as if it were by phone call. Between 8 am and 7:30pm(baby's bed time) Both parents will encourage the other to (virtually) call at bedtime and read baby a story or just speak to him.

Mom will notify dad of well child visits providing him the opportunity to attend.

Holidays will rotate example Dad Christmas/ Mom Christmas eve on even years and reversed in odd years.

Baby's birthday both parents will enjoy, splitting the day equally, but a more preferable arangement of both parents working out a party arrangment or activity that child can enjoy both parents, family and friends together ( I think it's healthier for baby maybe I'm wrong) If Child's birthday fals on a weekdayDad will have child the first half of the day due to his work schedual. (Baby's birthday is before school ever starts.)

Both parents are to attend co-parenting and counseling as evidence has shown this will make the parents better prepared and provide the tools to co-parent effectively for child's well being.

I intend to leave out the personal lives of both of us. Not sure Dad will, but he is seeing someone new and I am not so possibly that will help him forget about it.

She was at OUR child support hearing and everytime he spoke with his attorney in the hall she was right there, so I'm half expecting him to attempt to include her in talking with his attorney and I don't want to start the entire "talk" off on a sour note, but frankly I feel it's not her business because it's not about her. It's about our son and his best interests.
So how do I go about nicely stating that?

 

[stealth2]

And we need a new thread because.... Why?

 

[mommyanme]

And we need a new thread because.... Why?

Sorry, I didn't know I wasn't supposed to.

 

[CJane]

Sorry, I didn't know I wasn't supposed to.

It's always best to keep related posts together.

 

[mommyanme]

It's always best to keep related posts together.

Ok, I will thanks.

 

[InfantCustody]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NC

Dad's attorney's office called me a few hours ago and told me before I pick up the papers, which would count down my 30 days to give them something stable starting from the day the judge sign the order, so here's what I've done the last 4 hours. The weeks I lay out are weeks starting when the judge signs the agreement. Tell me where I'm being overbearing or have the wrong idea?

Joint Legal, Mom primary

Weeks

1-4 Dad goes to moms home Mon Wed & Fri for 2 hours each day. Mom will not interfere with visit unless dad asks and mom will only provide directions as to what baby likes giving dad the chance to do it.

5-8 Mon Wed Fri 2 hours each day Dad takes baby where he wishes for visits

9-16 Mon & Wed 3 hour each day And Saturdays from 9-6

17-24 Mon & Wed 3 hours each day and 2 saturdays each 4 weeks(totalling 4 saturdays in 8 weeks)overnight, from 9am Saturday till 12pm Sunday (dad goes to church)

@ 1 year which will be the end of this graduated schedule the plan will be

Evey other weekend from Saturday at 11am to Mon at 11, Once school starts dad will have the option of dropping child off to Mom Sunday night or driving him to school. (we are an hour from each other and I have an older school age child)

On weeks that Dad does not have the child for the weekend then 2 days in that week from 8am-1pm Once school starts Dad will be encouraged to visit child's school at lunch time and since school will interfere with the 2 days during the week and dad's work schedule, Dad will have half a day sunday with child.

Mom and dad will take full advantage of the state's new virtual visitation laws and pay for the services equally. The calendar and journal from the site will be utilized by both. Neither will hinder the others ability to take advantage of this service and reasonable times will be the same as if it were by phone call. Between 8 am and 7:30pm(baby's bed time) Both parents will encourage the other to (virtually) call at bedtime and read baby a story or just speak to him.

Mom will notify dad of well child visits providing him the opportunity to attend.

Holidays will rotate example Dad Christmas/ Mom Christmas eve on even years and reversed in odd years.

Baby's birthday both parents will enjoy, splitting the day equally, but a more preferable arangement of both parents working out a party arrangment or activity that child can enjoy both parents, family and friends together ( I think it's healthier for baby maybe I'm wrong) If Child's birthday fals on a weekdayDad will have child the first half of the day due to his work schedual. (Baby's birthday is before school ever starts.)

Both parents are to attend co-parenting and counseling as evidence has shown this will make the parents better prepared and provide the tools to co-parent effectively for child's well being.

I intend to leave out the personal lives of both of us. Not sure Dad will, but he is seeing someone new and I am not so possibly that will help him forget about it.

She was at OUR child support hearing and everytime he spoke with his attorney in the hall she was right there, so I'm half expecting him to attempt to include her in talking with his attorney and I don't want to start the entire "talk" off on a sour note, but frankly I feel it's not her business because it's not about her. It's about our son and his best interests.
So how do I go about nicely stating that?

I want to offer some advice as a Mom who has a son about a month YOUNGER than your son.

While I understand your "desire" to keep visits short and more frequent because you want your infant with you more, in my experience that was so, so, so, so much harder on my son. He ALWAYS came back fussy, out of sorts and took a day to settle down, by which time it was time to go back again. My ex rarely saw the baby before he just started picking him up. He had seen him maybe 12 hours? We did one month of "transitional visits" where they moved from 4-6 hours outside of my house. Then stayed with 6 hour visits for 2 months, and last week Dad did his first 24 hour period. After the 24 hour period, the baby came come happy, rested and like his usual self. I think the short visits are a LOT of back and forth and transition. babies HATE transition. They thrive on consistency. Not consistency of JUST ONE HOUSE but consistency of not being shuffled all over the place every few hours. The baby (with 45 minutes between our homes) no more got there before it was time to come back. He never got his whole nap, never settled in. With the longer visits, the baby has grown really close to Daddy and lights up when he sees him now. It is really heart warming to see.

We went to court this morning, and the judge gave Dad from 9 am on his first day off - 4 pm on his second day off each week, plus a 6 hour visit on a third day. The 6 hour visit didn't thrill me because it is a shorter amount of time, but I know why the judge did it. She wants baby and Daddy to see each other as much as possible while accommodating my breastfeeding. At 6 months, when baby is on more solid food, he will get 48 consecutive hours each week. And this is a temp order.

And I'm thrilled...I really think it is going to be good for our son.

So, I don't know where you are in NC, but I would say if Dad were to take it to court, he may get more time, quicker. Additionally, I would NOT recommend doing any time in your house. Dad isn't going to be comfortable with you there watching him (whether you are or not, that is how it will feel) and the baby will be just fine with Dad. He is young enough that he will adjust and bond before you know it.

Lots of food for thought. Hope it may help you...

 

[mommyanme]

I want to offer some advice as a Mom who has a son about a month YOUNGER than your son.

While I understand your "desire" to keep visits short and more frequent because you want your infant with you more, in my experience that was so, so, so, so much harder on my son. He ALWAYS came back fussy, out of sorts and took a day to settle down, by which time it was time to go back again. My ex rarely saw the baby before he just started picking him up. He had seen him maybe 12 hours? We did one month of "transitional visits" where they moved from 4-6 hours outside of my house. Then stayed with 6 hour visits for 2 months, and last week Dad did his first 24 hour period. After the 24 hour period, the baby came come happy, rested and like his usual self. I think the short visits are a LOT of back and forth and transition. babies HATE transition. They thrive on consistency. Not consistency of JUST ONE HOUSE but consistency of not being shuffled all over the place every few hours. The baby (with 45 minutes between our homes) no more got there before it was time to come back. He never got his whole nap, never settled in. With the longer visits, the baby has grown really close to Daddy and lights up when he sees him now. It is really heart warming to see.

We went to court this morning, and the judge gave Dad from 9 am on his first day off - 4 pm on his second day off each week, plus a 6 hour visit on a third day. The 6 hour visit didn't thrill me because it is a shorter amount of time, but I know why the judge did it. She wants baby and Daddy to see each other as much as possible while accommodating my breastfeeding. At 6 months, when baby is on more solid food, he will get 48 consecutive hours each week. And this is a temp order.

And I'm thrilled...I really think it is going to be good for our son.

So, I don't know where you are in NC, but I would say if Dad were to take it to court, he may get more time, quicker. Additionally, I would NOT recommend doing any time in your house. Dad isn't going to be comfortable with you there watching him (whether you are or not, that is how it will feel) and the baby will be just fine with Dad. He is young enough that he will adjust and bond before you know it.

Lots of food for thought. Hope it may help you...

Yes it would have had I not just picked up the papers from the sheriff.

The papers have a bunch of lies and says I am unfit, but only cites I have had psychiatric counseling, which was not, it was counseling after my husband died and counseling for all his harassment and for my daughter's anxiety due to our arguing. Says I assualted him and so on......Basicly I'm a horrible rotten person and he's shiney as heaven's gates.

It's just slap full of lies and BS which I have the hard proof that he's lying. But i am doing a budget right now for an attorney and will have bake sales if needed to afford the $4000. But the attorney is working with me on it and I saw him today. The baby is worth that and much more and I gave him some money so he's off and running with it. It's just hard for a single mom to pull out that kind of money, but like I said baby is worth it. But I know a second job to afford it will make it worse on me so**************....I'll figure out something.

Sorry all, I'm just lost and completely in shock at the crap in the complaint.
Before I left the attorney's office he smiled at me and said "go home, relax, cause he doesn't have a chance in hell."

 

[CSO286]

Yes it would have had I not just picked up the papers from the sheriff.

The papers have a bunch of lies and says I am unfit, but only cites I have had psychiatric counseling, which was not, it was counseling after my husband died and counseling for all his harassment and for my daughter's anxiety due to our arguing.

Look, getting counseling is not a sign of a instability. It's a sign that you recognize when you are in over your head and need some add'l tools and resources to get through rough spots. It's not really something Dad can use against you.

Says I assualted him and so on......Basicly I'm a horrible rotten person and he's shiney as heaven's gates.

Are there police reports saying this happened? Were charges filed? Were you convicted? If no to all, then it never happened.

It's just slap full of lies and BS which I have the hard proof that he's lying. But i am doing a budget right now for an attorney and will have bake sales if needed to afford the $4000. But the attorney is working with me on it and I saw him today. The baby is worth that and much more and I gave him some money so he's off and running with it. It's just hard for a single mom to pull out that kind of money, but like I said baby is worth it. But I know a second job to afford it will make it worse on me so**************....I'll figure out something.

Sorry all, I'm just lost and completely in shock at the crap in the complaint.
Before I left the attorney's office he smiled at me and said "go home, relax, cause he doesn't have a chance in hell."

Yes, take a deep breath, realx and listen to your attorney. come back here and read and get advice on Co-parenting. Ask questions and we'll do our best to help.

 

[mommyanme]

Look, getting counseling is not a sign of a instability. It's a sign that you recognize when you are in over your head and need some add'l tools and resources to get through rough spots. It's not really something Dad can use against you.



Are there police reports saying this happened? Were charges filed? Were you convicted? If no to all, then it never happened.



Yes, take a deep breath, realx and listen to your attorney. come back here and read and get advice on Co-parenting. Ask questions and we'll do our best to help.

I don't know to many people can handle a spouse dying right next to you.
and that's the same thing the attorney told me, he said that if I was not handling the death or my ex's harassment well, that was the best thing to do.




Of course there's not, cause it never happend.


Thanks!!! My next challenge is getting past the anger I feel right now and still be willing to co-parent with him Eventually without wanting to grind my teeth off. I guess I'm looking forward to a bloody tongue.

 

[mommyanme]

I meant to ask in my earlier post but was upset and have frankly spent some time crying, drank some tea and calming myself

But Dad's attorney added a request for exparte custody to stop me from removing the child from his physical custody or leaving the jurisdiction of the court.

What do they have to do to get a judge to remove the baby from me with that?
Do they have to produce evidence?

I know I will have 10 days till court but wow I can't imagine 10 days with him somewhere that he doesn't know with a person he's never met and not able to see the only people he's known. Wouldn't that completely terrify a baby? Judges would only do that in extreme cases right?

My attorney and I were working on answering the complaint and only touched on it for a second by telling me it would immediately remove the baby from me.

 

[InfantCustody]

I meant to ask in my earlier post but was upset and have frankly spent some time crying, drank some tea and calming myself

But Dad's attorney added a request for exparte custody to stop me from removing the child from his physical custody or leaving the jurisdiction of the court.

What do they have to do to get a judge to remove the baby from me with that?
Do they have to produce evidence?

I know I will have 10 days till court but wow I can't imagine 10 days with him somewhere that he doesn't know with a person he's never met and not able to see the only people he's known. Wouldn't that completely terrify a baby? Judges would only do that in extreme cases right?

My attorney and I were working on answering the complaint and only touched on it for a second by telling me it would immediately remove the baby from me.

Hi,

My ex did a lot of the same things with his complaint, filled it full of lies, etc. I am very fortunate he didn't make claims I am unfit, but he said I am "incapable of fostering the natural love and affection between father and child," as a means of trying to get immediate 50/50. It didn't work for him...judges DO see through a lot of this.

As far as the ex parte hearing - has he seen the baby before, or has the baby ever been in his physical custody?

For a judge to remove the baby from you, they would need ALLEGATIONS that you are a serious threat to the baby's immediate health and safety. They would need to be credible, or believable threats. Saying you have had counseling or previous mental health care is not going to do it.

NOW, if they convinced the judge of such, the baby would be removed from you until there is a hearing, and that is in NO MORE THAN 10 days because an exparte motion is not fair to both sides...it is taking on persons word before the other person can defend themselves. That is how my lawyer explained it to me...someone can correct me if I am mistaken?

That is from the legal perspective. From a child psychology perspective, I am going to answer the other side. Children, especially under 7-8 months and in an indiscriminate attachment phase. They have a preference for the primary care-taker, but will respond to anyone who meets their needs. Additionally, they have not achieved "object permanence" so it is essentially out of sight, out of mind. While a 6 month old infant is excited when reuntied with their Mother because they then see her as familiar, they do not grieve for a missing parent. Would he be initially confused, possibly by a new environment, but that quickly fades and they are able to make the best of what and where they are. That is why starting an infant in daycare is so much easier than an older child. Babies are adaptable.

You have to realize a lot is said and done in custody cases for leverage and gaining a better position. People sling mud, throw stones and as you said, make one parent look like cr@p while they make themselves look like Heaven's shiny gates. In the long run, unless they can back up what they say with EVIDENCE the judge will be none too pleased with them lying.

Hope that helped you. Take a deep breath...

 

[mommyanme]

Hi,

As far as the ex parte hearing - has he seen the baby before, or has the baby ever been in his physical custody?

No he's never tried to see him and the 1 time I was asked he never showed. So that answers the no to him ever having him physically.

For a judge to remove the baby from you, they would need ALLEGATIONS that you are a serious threat to the baby's immediate health and safety. They would need to be credible, or believable threats. Saying you have had counseling or previous mental health care is not going to do it.

NOW, if they convinced the judge of such, the baby would be removed from you until there is a hearing, and that is in NO MORE THAN 10 days because an exparte motion is not fair to both sides...it is taking on persons word before the other person can defend themselves. That is how my lawyer explained it to me...someone can correct me if I am mistaken

He has no problem lying on an affidavit, the criminal charges he filed was lies. But at least after 10 days I'd be able to prove my side. and the judge wouldn't be to happy.

That is from the legal perspective. From a child psychology perspective, I am going to answer the other side. Children, especially under 7-8 months and in an indiscriminate attachment phase. They have a preference for the primary care-taker, but will respond to anyone who meets their needs. Additionally, they have not achieved "object permanence" so it is essentially out of sight, out of mind. While a 6 month old infant is excited when reuntied with their Mother because they then see her as familiar, they do not grieve for a missing parent. Would he be initially confused, possibly by a new environment, but that quickly fades and they are able to make the best of what and where they are. That is why starting an infant in daycare is so much easier than an older child. Babies are adaptable.

So it will be harder on me and my oldest child, if it were to happen, and unfortunatly no one is considering that although she's not his, she's still affected.
If that happens it will devastate her.

You have to realize a lot is said and done in custody cases for leverage and gaining a better position. People sling mud, throw stones and as you said, make one parent look like cr@p while they make themselves look like Heaven's shiny gates. In the long run, unless they can back up what they say with EVIDENCE the judge will be none too pleased with them lying.

Hope that helped you. Take a deep breath...

That's what a lot of people keep saying. I've just never seen mud this thick. Maybe once my attorney talks to his this morning she'll reconsider trying the ex parte order. It's in the papers but nothing has been heard so I guess she has a choice.?

 

[LdiJ]

No he's never tried to see him and the 1 time I was asked he never showed. So that answers the no to him ever having him physically.

For a judge to remove the baby from you, they would need ALLEGATIONS that you are a serious threat to the baby's immediate health and safety. They would need to be credible, or believable threats. Saying you have had counseling or previous mental health care is not going to do it.


He has no problem lying on an affidavit, the criminal charges he filed was lies. But at least after 10 days I'd be able to prove my side. and the judge wouldn't be to happy.



So it will be harder on me and my oldest child, if it were to happen, and unfortunatly no one is considering that although she's not his, she's still affected.
If that happens it will devastate her.



That's what a lot of people keep saying. I've just never seen mud this thick. Maybe once my attorney talks to his this morning she'll reconsider trying the ex parte order. It's in the papers but nothing has been heard so I guess she has a choice.?

Please keep in mind that there is no guarantee that the judge will act on their exparte request either. The judge would have to agree that there was enough of an emergency to temporarily violate your parental rights. Plus, you KNOW that they have requested this, and you an your attorney can show for the exparte hearing and defend yourself.

I think that as soon as the judge hears that dad has never met the child, the judge will see this for what it is.

 

[mommyanme]

Plus, you KNOW that they have requested this, and you an your attorney can show for the exparte hearing and defend yourself.

I think that as soon as the judge hears that dad has never met the child, the judge will see this for what it is.

How do we find out when they'll do this? I didn't knowthat we can show for the first one! I will be there with bells on!

He's trying to get status quo isn't he?

 

[LdiJ]

How do we find out when they'll do this? I didn't knowthat we can show for the first one! I will be there with bells on!

He's trying to get status quo isn't he?

Yes, he is. He is hoping to somehow pull off getting the child into his custody and then causing enough delays in getting something heard that so that he can claim status quo...for at least 50/50.

Your attorney should be able to find out when the exparte hearing will be held, if one is held at all. Again, the judge may not grant an exparte hearing.

I will tell you though that generally one of two things is going to apply in this case. Either he has a really sleezy attorney who is willing to throw stuff at the wall like this, hoping that it will stick. If so, the judge will likely be accustomed to that from this attorney and might not take it too seriously as a result. OR, he has badly lied to his attorney and his attorney will be furious with him when the attorney finds out.

I really don't think that you should panic yet.