information for divorced parents

[VeeGee]

What is the name of your state? NY

I have read some posts where one parent is using the child or children against the other. For the parents who are doing this...hear me loud and clear. You are not hurting your ex as much as you are hurting your child/children. Your child did not ask to be brought into this world, nor did he/she ask for YOUR divorce. A child deserves BOTH parents in their life...and if both parents love that child, then they should put that child's best interest first. They shouldn't put the child in the middle of their problems, or use the child against one another. IT IS NOT their fault!!!! Because in the end, it's the child who will suffer!!! I am a divorced parent, and no one hated their ex as much as I hated mine ( I still do lol ) and trust me, I have very good reason to hate him. But I NEVER once stopped him from being with the kids...I never showed that hatred in front of my kids, nor have I ever spoke bad about their dad in front of them. I forced myself to be on friendly terms with him, and put my boys FIRST, and their best interests FIRST all the time. I wanted them to have a good relationship with their dad, even though he was a d**k. I always reminded them of how much their dad loves them, and made sure they were with him on his b/d's, some holidays and summer's...even if it meant I had to change my plans to arrange this. When I divorced him...they were only 4 and 9...and they needed him in their lives. They needed BOTH parents in their lives and I'de be damned if anyone tried to change that. Over the years he did alot of things that really pissed me off...like not showing up or calling when it was his turn to have them. Or not sending the CS, knowing my salary wasn't enough to support them. I could make your heads turn with some of the heart-wrenching things he did to them, and still I didn't stop him from being with them. As they got older, their dad had no time for them as much, always making excuses as to why he can't see them. He got married and had 2 more children...and put his new kids before ours, which really broke their hearts. Yes, this made me angry and I wanted revenge...but I turned the other cheek for the sake of my boys. Today, my boys are well adjusted young men...who love their dad very much...and just recently thanked me for never holding them back from seeing their dad. Oh sure, they had their bouts with anger, resentment, and all that comes along with being from divorced parents. But all in all, they are happy...and THAT is what this is all about. So parents, for the sake of your innocent child...don't use him/her against your ex spouse, or stop your child from being with that parent. Don't talk bad about the ex in front of the child...you are only hurting your child, and one day that child may hate you for doing this to them. If what I just said helps just one single parent...then I will have saved at least one child from a life of hell.

 

[imxoz]

Amen! As a psychologist and parent I fully agree

 

[Bre's_mom]

YES!!!!!

I hope it helps some of these people, who do exactly that. It really bothers me when I read posts like that. Thankyou for posting such a touching and true subject. It happens to often...

 

[VeeGee]

your welcome...and I know there are alot of parents out there who are good ppl, and put their children's concerns first. But for those of you who constantly try to find ways to get even with your ex and use your child to do it...that is WRONG!!! If your ex is a deadbeat... then by all means take him to court and make him pay CS. But if he's a good dad, and does the right thing by your child...why ruin a good relationship between dad and child because YOUR hurt or angry???? Not many women realize this...but it's even harder for the dad if he's the NCP. He only gets to see his kids on court ordered visitations. He doesn't get to be with his kids like the CS parent does...so think about your actions and what this is doing to the one thing you love the most in this world........YOUR CHILD!

 

[clewwho]

VeeGee, I can totally related to your situation but I have a question for you. How does your boys react to dad now? Has your boys ever told their dad how they felt?

 

[VeeGee]

VeeGee, I can totally related to your situation but I have a question for you. How does your boys react to dad now? Has your boys ever told their dad how they felt?

clewwho...my boys love their dad, but hold resentment toward him for not being there for them when they needed him. My boys are 18 and 24 now...they love their dad, but their not close to him, which is very sad. My older son is a forgiving, good natured person, and he has forgiven his dad...but he resents the things he's done over the years and has not told his dad how he felt or feels now. My younger son...although he's a happy person, is full of rage toward his dad. He has not forgiven him and has told his dad exactly how he feels. Unfortunately, my ex is still the D**K he always was, and nothing has changed. He doesn't even try...but that's okay, because they have someone in their lives who loves them as if they were his own...who is there for them all the time...and who has been their dad for all these years...my wonderful husband! Sometimes, God sends us an ANGEL and I'm thankful that he chose my kids to send that ANGEL to.

 

[imxoz]

You know, thats the part I hate. I am a psychologist by profession and I spend a great deal of my time encouraging folks to share their feelings. My children go through simular things. They are so full of feelings and find their fathers totally unapproachable. For example, he guilted them and yelled at them for not buying their step mother a gift for mothers day. It wasn't a mistake, they don't care for her and did not want too. then he forced them to make her a card. Then he phoned later and said she cryed when she read them. I went through simular emotional abuse for years and years. I am an adult, they are children. I totally believe that my children deserve a relationship with their father and support that. But....why do the children have to pay. I feel so sorry for them. The sad thing is that they see it and he will pay for it in the long run. I just encourage them to be honest with their feelings and tell them that he is responsible for his no matter what he says. Thats about all we can do. He also refuses for the most part to communicate with me, he sends messages through them. Another crime.

 

[VeeGee]

Well he certainly should have not forced them to make her a card. If they don't want to buy her a present for Mother's day, they shouldn't...that must come from the heart and because they want to. My son's do not like their step-mom either...I have never encouraged it nor have I discouraged it. I allow them to make up their own minds...and do what they feel in their heart to do. On the other hand...they love my husband very much, they look up to him and respect him...and consider him the closest thing to dad. When will parents realize that they cannot force their children to love someone they don't love.

 

[hoping4thebigd]

I agree comletely with the original message here, but I also have another question. My ex is not yet paying CS and he does nothing but verbally abuse me and disrespect me and my new boyfriend everytime I talk to him. When I first left, I always took the children over there to see him, whenever it was convenient for him, even if that meant my having to call off plans that were made b/c he called last minutes. Then, my boyfriend and I moved out of state. It's about a 20 minutes drive to my ex's house and we STILL drove the children out there, and then drove back into town to pick them up without so much as a thank you or an offer for gas money or anything. All that we ever heard were remarks that I will not post due to the chance of offending anybody. My ex abused me physically and emotionally and there is evidence to suggest that he abused our youngest, also. Our children right now are 2 yrs and 9 months and 1 yr and 6 months old. Right over a month ago, I got tired of always being subjected to abuse trying to do what was right for my children and decided to have my ex start meeting us halfway. He had already changed his visitation from every weekend to every other weekend at this point. When I suggested he meet us halfway, he went off the hook and said I was refusing him the right to see his children and that I was doing nothing but harming them because I refuse to let him take complete and total advantage of me and my new boyfriend, who, by the way, loves my children more than their father shows it and is willing to do ANYTHING for them. (My ex has flat out threatened to kill my new boyfriend, but due to the fact that the children want to see their father, he still drove out there for it.) I never once told my ex that he could not see the kids, I just politely pointed out that he's getting a free ride. He does not pay CS, he does not have to worry about gas money or missed time from work, or rearranging made plans. I got tired of it, so now he refuses to see the children until I start doing things the way that they were before. There is NOT a cout-ordered visitation schedule. All this was done due to my trying to be a good parent. Now, their father is putting them through Hell, along with me b/c I'm the one who's shedding tears along with my daughter, who's old enough to express her feelings, when she says that she misses her father. He's off screwing around with his new girlfriend, spending money on her and her kids, and doesn't even bother to call his own every once in a while to say "Daddy loves you."

So, please, tell me...when does it go from being a good parent and doing everything you can to give your children everything they deserve and need to being a good parent by protecting your child from a father/mother who has flat out shown no interest in doing anything for them unless it's done exactly their way? I am in no way whatsoever trying to put you down for your thoughts or your message b/c I do agree with it. But sometims, I think, parents need to realize when it's doing more harm than good to encourage a relationship with the other parent.

By the way...if my ex was to call tonight and say that he wanted to make arrangements to see the children, I would gladly do it. But I refuse now to even mention the children going to see their father around them because all I get is a heart-broken little girl who loves her father very much and doesn't understand that Daddy is acting as if he doesn't care.

 

[VeeGee]

Well from your post I can see you did everything possible to do the right thing for your kids. If you don't have a court order where the NCP has visitation rights...then YOU set the rules as to where, when and how he see's your children. If your daughter comes home emotional and upset because of him...then tell him until he learns to compose himself in front of the children, he will not see them. If he threatens to take you to court, let him...that will be your opportunity to tell the judge how badly he treats you in front of the children and how much it upsets them. You can also tell the judge how he threatened to kill your b/f...and if at all possible, you should get that on tape or have an eye witness that heard him say that.

I think you should sue him for CS...that might put his butt in place where it belongs.
In my opinion, these visits with dad need to be supervised if he's that threatening and controlling. If you could, try talking to a lawyer about all this...it sounds like that would be the way to go. But if this were me...FIRST...I wouldn't ALLOW anyone near my kids if that person verbally or physically abused me or the children. I couldn't care less if it were the father of my children or not...NO ONE will ever be allowed to do this to me or my children, no matter what rights he has. In my opinion, if he can't respect my children or me (as the mother of HIS children) then he lost his rights to see my kids. SECOND...I'de haul his azz to court and sue him for CS and back support!!!

I'm speaking for myself...I know by law, a father has a right to see his kids...but not if he is a danger to them or me!! I think your best bet is to see a lawyer and protect yourself all the way around and do it the legal way first. I wish you the best and hope things work out for you and your children.

 

[hoping4thebigd]

The ONLY reason why I had no problems with the visits before is because his mother and I are pretty good friends and he lives with his parents and I knew that she would be there the whole time and that she would not let anything happen to the kids, no matter who it was from. She's put both of her sons in jail before for one reason or another and I know she would not hesitate to do it again. Her daughter and son-in-law were murdered and she almost lost her other granddaughter the same night, but, thankfully, she didn't. (Anybody that lives in PA or OH might remember back in November of 1997, Rose and Mike, Lake City, PA, shot to death in their trailer.) That's how I know that I can trust her not to let anything happen. But, since he's not playing by what everybody I know of believes to be adult and fair rules, then, screw him. I'm tired of playing his childish games and I will not let him hurt my children any longer. As for taking him to court....would gladly do...but seeing as how I pressed charges against him every time and the police claim not to have found enough evidence against him, what's the use? What would a court do if the police wouldn't even do anything? It's on record of every time he hit me and the one time he hit our son, not to mention the verbal threats to kill all of us, that's why I'm not worried about him getting custody. A judge would have to be insane in order to give him custody and if he does take me to court for visitation, I'm to the point where I will pretty much demand supervised visitation. The only concrete proof that I have as to the abuse would be if his mother would step up and not just call the cops on him this time, but put him in jail. He choked me one night and left three bruises on my neck, all of which she saw b/c we were working together at the time AND he also admitted to her that he had choked me and that's why I had the bruises. I didn't tell anybody else what they were and most people automatically assumed that they were hickeys. Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures of them.

My big thing was that some people might see this as my keeping the children from having a relationship with their father, but when they're this young and impressionable, isn't it better to keep them from their father, especially when he apparently doesn't even care enough to get off of his lazy "azz" and do something to see his kids???

 

[hoping4thebigd]

I just caught the part about catching it on tape, him threatening to kill my boyfriend. Right before Christmas, I got sick of him doing that so I called the police on him and then kept him around long enough for the police to show up. He flat out admitted to all four police officers who were there that he had threatened to kill everybody in that house (me, the children, my boyfriend, his sister, her boyfriend, and her daughter...the last three he didn't even know) at one point in time or another. He was charged and convicted of menacing and was put on probation AGAIN and the judge had a court-ordered protection order (which I have been told is stronger than a restraining order) put in place stating that my ex was not allowed to be anywhere that he knew that my boyfriend was at, could possibly be at (as in my family's house, the babysitters at times of drop-off and pick-up, or, of course the house at which we lived) but I was told that since we moved out of the city in which it had been issued, it was no longer in effect.

 

[VeeGee]

Hoping....I'm not one to tell someone what to do. But if this were me, I wouldn't allow him to see my kids at all...with the grandma there or not! He sounds very dangerous, and if he threatened to kill all of you...I would do what I could to move as far away from him as possible. This doesn't sound right...and one day he may crack up and do what he threatened to do, and what good is a police report if all of you are gone???

 

[hoping4thebigd]

That's why now that I've checked out everything...I found out that I do have enough grounds for supervised visitation. That's what I'm going for. I was told that since he has previous domestic violence charges (for beating up his younger brother) and that cops that have arrested him have stated that in their opinion he's truly crazy, I should have more than enough evidence to prove him unstable. I did what I thought was best for the children, but now he's causing them more harm than good and I'm not going to let him hurt them anymore. It's either going to be he gets supervised or he gets nothing if I have my way.