is Documentation needed when other parent doesn't take child for visitation?

[Rushia]

I can answer your question as to why moms/dads get upset with steps. First of all you said "we" got custody. NO....your husband has custody, NOT you. parents catch these phrases very quickly. You can state you love your step child, and I believe you do, but it is still a different relationship and love all together. That child's parent is dealing with a high emotional loss from being seperated from "their" child. When a third party becomes involved with their childs life such as a new spouse, then that person tends to interfere. It doesn't even have to be hostile interference either, which is very common. It can be a form of trying to intervene, or help in that step's mind, or sticking up for their new spouse. As a step you need to "step" back, and stay out of it, unless the child is in danger. This child has nothing to do with you other than you being married to their parent, in which you agreed to accept mom/dad along with the two of you when you married into an already made family . Many step parents grow to love their spouses child. But it is still different. Moms and dads not only have a sense of loss, they have a protectiveness towards their child which is unconditional. So when there is strife or concerns with the child then let mom and dad work together on it. Steps have no right to those decisions. You and your new spouse can talk on your own time together on the issues, but it is between only the two parents who brought their child into the world to make all decisions no matter how minor. Little remarks, such as We got custody, even if in your mind you think you are trying to be helpful towards your spouse, is cutting in on the other parents territory and you are over stepping boundaries. Since you have no rights when both parents are still in the picture and making decisions "together" in regards to their child. Your boundaries are with your spouse only, the childs boundaries are only within the biological parents decisions. If more steps minded their own business, and let the parents work it out alone together, there would be less strife, stress, and happier kids. Heck, maybe the new spouse might just get along with "mom." Faith

While legally you may be correct. I just can't agree with a few of your statements. I have been a stepmom, a mom, and my children have a stepmom. I love my x's daughter as much as I love my own. I miss her sorely. I am lucky in the fact that her mother still allows me to see her. I believe that my children benefit from the fact that the steps are treated as equals to the parent. I believe that they are happier and healthier when we all get together to make decisions for them. I love my kids stepmom. I love my x's new baby. Perhaps if more parents were more accepting of their x's spouses there would be less strife and stress. My children love it when stepmom and I take them out. They love it when dad and stepdad get together to take them out. I'm just happy when stepmom and I get to go out together without the kids, it's a nice break for both of us!

 

[proudstepmom]

While legally you may be correct. I just can't agree with a few of your statements. I have been a stepmom, a mom, and my children have a stepmom. I love my x's daughter as much as I love my own. I miss her sorely. I am lucky in the fact that her mother still allows me to see her. I believe that my children benefit from the fact that the steps are treated as equals to the parent. I believe that they are happier and healthier when we all get together to make decisions for them. I love my kids stepmom. I love my x's new baby. Perhaps if more parents were more accepting of their x's spouses there would be less strife and stress. My children love it when stepmom and I take them out. They love it when dad and stepdad get together to take them out. I'm just happy when stepmom and I get to go out together without the kids, it's a nice break for both of us!

Wow, you're so lucky to have such a good relationship with your ex.

 

[casa]

While legally you may be correct. I just can't agree with a few of your statements. I have been a stepmom, a mom, and my children have a stepmom. I love my x's daughter as much as I love my own. I miss her sorely. I am lucky in the fact that her mother still allows me to see her. I believe that my children benefit from the fact that the steps are treated as equals to the parent. I believe that they are happier and healthier when we all get together to make decisions for them. I love my kids stepmom. I love my x's new baby. Perhaps if more parents were more accepting of their x's spouses there would be less strife and stress. My children love it when stepmom and I take them out. They love it when dad and stepdad get together to take them out. I'm just happy when stepmom and I get to go out together without the kids, it's a nice break for both of us!

And another situation (as I have with oldest daughter's father)...is that Dad & I began as, and remain, friends. And unfortunately, this makes step-mom/new wife absolutetly nuts.

 

[LilyMD]

Thank you for all the varying opinions. I can understand all of it, doesn't make it any easier but I understand. I will avoid "we" or saying anything that might sound like I have anything to to with caring, raising, feeding, clothing, or the usual day to day care and well being of my stepson, when I ask a question in the future to not annoy those real parents out there. I do not mean this sarcastically either I will make an effort not to piss off, as I obviously have, those of you who have taken offense to my unknowingly incorrect remarks.

Sorry and thank you for the help.

 

[stealth2]

I think one of the reasons people get annoyed is that they themselves are dealign with a stepparent who is a little too involved in the entire process. For example, I get emails from my kids' stepmom about "their" concerns regarding my parenting. Let's see, our 14yo has acne (well, THERE'S a shocker!). They go to bed too late (and have no problem getting up in the morning or achieving good grades in school - good being straight A's). They watch too much (inappropriate) tv and should spend more time outdoors (well, darlin', when they are used to doing their homework pretty much as soon as they get home from school, which sometimes takes several hours and it gets dark at 5, do you have a good suggestion? And, I guess it's inappropriate to watch the shows (together) that many of their peers watch so that we can discuss what parts of them MAY be considered inappropriate and why). Just as an example - that was the latest one I got. (edit) Oh, also that our children are seriously disturbed due to their reactions to the events of the past weekend. (WTF? You got rid of their dog! How do you expect them to react? With smiles & giggles?)

In the meantime, my ex has inactivated all of his email accounts except the one work one that he thinks I don't know about (I do, but don't use it) and insists that all contact be through his wife because he is "too difficult to reach during the week". Well, either he's too difficult to reach and it's his wife who responds to me within an hour of one of my emails, or he's not all that difficult to reach and can handle his own communications regarding our children. I honestly tried to do the communications the way he wanted to, but I really don't feel that it's simply a case of him telling her what to write. And no, I don't feel it necessary to make decisions about our children with a third party unless it is an impartial one. (edit - I do discuss various issues with those I'm close with, but ultimately it's my decision how to best handle a situation. Sometimes someone says something to change my mind on how it is, and other times I go against the grain of other opinions.)

So yeah, when I see a stepparent start in with the "we" and "our children" language, it pushes my buttons. I appreciate that she is decent to the kids. But ultimately, they are NOT her children, and the decisions about them need to be made by their parents - me and my ex. Period. Sometimes we may go overboard with the reminder. But it's a valid one to bear in mind as a judge will be annoyed if a stepparent is too actively involved in the situation and it's causing problems.

 

[casa]

I think one of the reasons people get annoyed is that they themselves are dealign with a stepparent who is a little too involved in the entire process. For example, I get emails from my kids' stepmom about "their" concerns regarding my parenting. Let's see, our 14yo has acne (well, THERE'S a shocker!). They go to bed too late (and have no problem getting up in the morning or achieving good grades in school - good being straight A's). They watch too much (inappropriate) tv and should spend more time outdoors (well, darlin', when they are used to doing their homework pretty much as soon as they get home from school, which sometimes takes several hours and it gets dark at 5, do you have a good suggestion? And, I guess it's inappropriate to watch the shows (together) that many of their peers watch so that we can discuss what parts of them MAY be considered inappropriate and why). Just as an example - that was the latest one I got. (edit) Oh, also that our children are seriously disturbed due to their reactions to the events of the past weekend. (WTF? You got rid of their dog! How do you expect them to react? With smiles & giggles?)

In the meantime, my ex has inactivated all of his email accounts except the one work one that he thinks I don't know about (I do, but don't use it) and insists that all contact be through his wife because he is "too difficult to reach during the week". Well, either he's too difficult to reach and it's his wife who responds to me within an hour of one of my emails, or he's not all that difficult to reach and can handle his own communications regarding our children. I honestly tried to do the communications the way he wanted to, but I really don't feel that it's simply a case of him telling her what to write. And no, I don't feel it necessary to make decisions about our children with a third party unless it is an impartial one. (edit - I do discuss various issues with those I'm close with, but ultimately it's my decision how to best handle a situation. Sometimes someone says something to change my mind on how it is, and other times I go against the grain of other opinions.)

So yeah, when I see a stepparent start in with the "we" and "our children" language, it pushes my buttons. I appreciate that she is decent to the kids. But ultimately, they are NOT her children, and the decisions about them need to be made by their parents - me and my ex. Period. Sometimes we may go overboard with the reminder. But it's a valid one to bear in mind as a judge will be annoyed if a stepparent is too actively involved in the situation and it's causing problems.

Oh Lord~ They're at it again huh? (At least this time there was no maxi-pads all over the yard! )

 

[weenor]

I think one of the reasons people get annoyed is that they themselves are dealign with a stepparent who is a little too involved in the entire process. For example, I get emails from my kids' stepmom about "their" concerns regarding my parenting. Let's see, our 14yo has acne (well, THERE'S a shocker!). They go to bed too late (and have no problem getting up in the morning or achieving good grades in school - good being straight A's). They watch too much (inappropriate) tv and should spend more time outdoors (well, darlin', when they are used to doing their homework pretty much as soon as they get home from school, which sometimes takes several hours and it gets dark at 5, do you have a good suggestion? And, I guess it's inappropriate to watch the shows (together) that many of their peers watch so that we can discuss what parts of them MAY be considered inappropriate and why). Just as an example - that was the latest one I got. (edit) Oh, also that our children are seriously disturbed due to their reactions to the events of the past weekend. (WTF? You got rid of their dog! How do you expect them to react? With smiles & giggles?)

In the meantime, my ex has inactivated all of his email accounts except the one work one that he thinks I don't know about (I do, but don't use it) and insists that all contact be through his wife because he is "too difficult to reach during the week". Well, either he's too difficult to reach and it's his wife who responds to me within an hour of one of my emails, or he's not all that difficult to reach and can handle his own communications regarding our children. I honestly tried to do the communications the way he wanted to, but I really don't feel that it's simply a case of him telling her what to write. And no, I don't feel it necessary to make decisions about our children with a third party unless it is an impartial one. (edit - I do discuss various issues with those I'm close with, but ultimately it's my decision how to best handle a situation. Sometimes someone says something to change my mind on how it is, and other times I go against the grain of other opinions.)

So yeah, when I see a stepparent start in with the "we" and "our children" language, it pushes my buttons. I appreciate that she is decent to the kids. But ultimately, they are NOT her children, and the decisions about them need to be made by their parents - me and my ex. Period. Sometimes we may go overboard with the reminder. But it's a valid one to bear in mind as a judge will be annoyed if a stepparent is too actively involved in the situation and it's causing problems.

Aren't the dynamics interesting? When I see little "spats" in this regard it seems to be women. I think women in general tend to be territorial (I know I can be) and there are certainly cases where the stepmoms try to take over the parenting and exclude mom. There are also cases where mom is simply jealous or stepmom is simply jealous. Everyone has their own unique situation and that is why this forum is so great. I read all of your comments and think about my situation- and check my own behavior. Stealth- your ex needs to grow up and grow a set. Men!! Wouldn't life be easier if he would just be a parent and not lay it on his wife.

 

[Rushia]

Wow, you're so lucky to have such a good relationship with your ex.

I'm just happy that he found someone that is good to our kids. It just worked out that she and I got along too.

 

[Rushia]

And another situation (as I have with oldest daughter's father)...is that Dad & I began as, and remain, friends. And unfortunately, this makes step-mom/new wife absolutetly nuts.

X and I didn't start out that way. It actually was the realization that the GP's were trying to pit us against one another that did it for us. We then decided that if we didn't get our act together, they would be able to keep doing it. As far as SM goes, she KNOWS that I don't want him back. LOL, she isn't worried about it.

 

[angieb888]

So let me try to understand this....the biological mother skips out on the little boy and the "step" mother is trying to protect her "step"son whom she loves...yet she is being told to watch her boundries? As far as I see...the boundries were broken when the "biological" mother stopped seeing her son.

It is not this woman's job to just be a spouse and nothing more when it come to interferring. It is to be a support system to the little boy who doesn't understand why his mommy doesn't want him. I understand that this website is about law questions. But to give a person advice and attack them for using the word WE when it comes to custody is appalling. Yes...it is a WE situation. She is supporting this child as much as the father is. As far as we know she feeds him, puts him to bed, probably gives him a bath, comforts him, reads to him. Who is any of us to say that she does not have a right to play a major role in his life just because she didn't give birth to him? Sounds like she is more of a mother to this child than his "biological" mom will ever be. And she is told to butt out.

I think you are a wonderful person to love someone enough to do what it takes to protect them. Tell them good things about someone you know is wrong. Look out for their well-being even if you are just "the spouse".

Good for you!!!!!