Is my friend being taken by his ex?

[JazzHands]

What is the name of your state? Florida

Background: He and his ex-wife have been divorced for several years. They have one child who is 11 and autistic. She was awarded full custody with his visitation given for EOW and two weeks in the summer.

The real life working of the custody: He works from home, so he is able to do anything that may come up with their son: school meetings, field trips, medical appointments, school holidays(she is a teacher, but not all days off for him are the same for her) Because of her work schedule, she cannot stay home long enough in the mornings to get him onto his schoolbus. So my friend drives over 50 miles roundtrip every school day to wake up his son, give him his bath and get him off to school. Instead of having EOW with his son, he is expected to either pick up his son from the schoolbus every Friday or pick him a little later if his ex-wife can be home in time. When she has to stay late at school for conferences etc, then my friend has to again make the 50 mile trip to stay with his son a couple of hours. ( I know, he can live closer to his son, but he lived in his place first, his ex-wife moves around)

He has paid his child support willingly and generously, increasing the amounts on his own when he receives raises and bonuses. He keeps his son on his insurance plan and then pays more than half of any medical/dental/school expenses that come up. His ex-wife asks him to pay for half of things that many of us feel should be covered under his support, but he pays anyway.

My questions boil down to this:
1. Are there legal grounds to ask for support reduction, given that he acts as the main parent in his sons daily routine?
2. Can he have his support reduced by the amount of his travelling expenses to get his son off to school everyday, on *her* custody days?
3. He won't do this but, given that she isn't a terrible parent, just not able to provide the time to their son, would he have a snowballs chance of getting custody himself?

She won't consider any voluntary reduction in support (who would?) But she also won't consider letting my friend have time away from his son either. She has had every Friday through Sunday free for years. My friend has worked Mon-Fri and had his son 99% percent of the weekends.

My advice to him was: Follow the divorce decree for one month ie: *Don't* have contact with them from Mon-Fri, then see if she'll talk about scheduling. My friend is asking for a free weekend a month. It isn't about the amount of child support he is paying, he is glad to give his son anything he needs.

 

[Silverplum]

What is the name of your state? Florida

Background: He and his ex-wife have been divorced for several years. They have one child who is 11 and autistic. She was awarded full custody with his visitation given for EOW and two weeks in the summer.

The real life working of the custody: He works from home, so he is able to do anything that may come up with their son: school meetings, field trips, medical appointments, school holidays(she is a teacher, but not all days off for him are the same for her) Because of her work schedule, she cannot stay home long enough in the mornings to get him onto his schoolbus. So my friend drives over 50 miles roundtrip every school day to wake up his son, give him his bath and get him off to school. Instead of having EOW with his son, he is expected to either pick up his son from the schoolbus every Friday or pick him a little later if his ex-wife can be home in time. When she has to stay late at school for conferences etc, then my friend has to again make the 50 mile trip to stay with his son a couple of hours. ( I know, he can live closer to his son, but he lived in his place first, his ex-wife moves around)

He has paid his child support willingly and generously, increasing the amounts on his own when he receives raises and bonuses. He keeps his son on his insurance plan and then pays more than half of any medical/dental/school expenses that come up. His ex-wife asks him to pay for half of things that many of us feel should be covered under his support, but he pays anyway.

My questions boil down to this:
1. Are there legal grounds to ask for support reduction, given that he acts as the main parent in his sons daily routine?
2. Can he have his support reduced by the amount of his travelling expenses to get his son off to school everyday, on *her* custody days?
3. He won't do this but, given that she isn't a terrible parent, just not able to provide the time to their son, would he have a snowballs chance of getting custody himself?

She won't consider any voluntary reduction in support (who would?) But she also won't consider letting my friend have time away from his son either. She has had every Friday through Sunday free for years. My friend has worked Mon-Fri and had his son 99% percent of the weekends.

My advice to him was: Follow the divorce decree for one month ie: *Don't* have contact with them from Mon-Fri, then see if she'll talk about scheduling. My friend is asking for a free weekend a month. It isn't about the amount of child support he is paying, he is glad to give his son anything he needs.

Hmmmm...
I have *never* heard of or from a divorced father who is involved in his son's daily life and is trying to get time away from his son. An evening here or there, sure, but not away from daily time. This guy sounds like an excellent dad.

Hmmmm....
And I have never heard of a "friend" caring so much about another "friend's" divorce specifics like custody, support, schedules, free weekends, etc.

So...you're his girlfriend?

 

[rmet4nzkx]

OP,
Take a deep breath and step back 6 giant steps.

Now lock those lips.

This is a special needs child and both parents are to be commended for the fine job they are not only doing raising and caring for their child but in cooporating in co-parenting since their divorce.

You should be ashamed of yourself making the suggestion to lower the support for this child and put your selfish self interest before that of this child.

Both parents deserve respite, if so, they can apply for appropriate respite services through the state department of developmental services. That is their decision, not yours.

Your friend is not being taken advantage of, it is common to pay for things beyond basic child support. He is exercising what is called first right of refusal, otherwise he might be paying extra for childcare which can be very expensive for a special needs child.

He is smart to upwardly adjust the child support in a timely manner rather than wait for the higher cost of having to go to court for each and every change. Both parents are keeping their child's best interest in mind.

Your friend will put his child before you if push comes to shove, so take heed.

 

[JazzHands]

Heh, I knew I was going to come off as either the involved party or a girlfriend. There had been a time in the past when it might have been possible, but I like my life uncomplicated, thank you! I truly am a somewhat passive, somewhat involved observer. I've met the ex and have seen some of the emails from her, enough to know that his version is generous to her as well.

I just came across this forum this morning while looking up another legal situation, and thought I'd see if anyone had advice for him.

I guess I implied that he'd like time away from his son, it is probably more accurate to say that he needs time for himself. As I said, his ex has been getting more than eight days a month where she did not have work or child obligations, he is asking for two of those. And it has set her off.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

You are an outsider.

If your friend and the mom need respite time, they can apply for that through the State department of developmental disabilities. It takes time for a child with Autism to adjust to different care arrangements, no matter how they are managed, this child may not understand even a small change in routine.

If you do anything, it might be to suggest that they seek those resources.

 

[JazzHands]

See? Now that's good advice, delivered in a civil manner. Thanks for that.

 

[brisgirl825]

I worked with special-ed children for a long time w/i the public school system. My duties including caring for many children with many different types of disabilities.
Let me say from a purely professional stand point that autistic children have a much more difficult time adjusting to change. They know a routine and hate to have anything different happen. It is in the child's best interests if dad doesn't change his routine. For whatever reason you seem to think that something different should happen and in this case it's even harder on the child to have that happen.
He has a special needs child so he has to be a special needs dad. Every parent needs time away from their kids. However, that can't always happen even for those who don't have special needs kids.
Right now I have a newborn that doesn't sleep, I've been up for 48 hrs b/c I have 3 other children and my daughter is diabetic. Two nights ago she had a diabetic seziure and I have never been so terrified in my life. Let me tell ya, I need a break. But I can't have one, and that's part of my job sometimes.

And it sounds like this a rare occassion where the two parents have come together for the best interests of the child. Dad pays what he knows is right and mom lets dad see the child b/c she knows it's right. Why mess with it?

Sarah

 

[JazzHands]

Believe me, I am not trying to be a little Iago in his ear, trying to persuade him to do less as a father. We have been friends for several years and I know how devoted he is. In fact, I am the only person, not a member of the child's immediate family who is able to take care of him, even his mother acknowledges the bond. He is a great kid, fairly severe on the Autistism spectrum, but has grown to be a lot less rigid as he was when younger. Routine is important, but life runs its own course, and he can't always get what he wants when he wants it, and he is actually understanding that now, more and more.

It is kinda funny that my mentioning that my friend would like to have a couple of days off a month(or *I* would like him to, as the suspicion seems to be) would mean his giving up his Father of the Year credentials, when the mother of the child has about 80 days and nights a year away from her son and her devotion as a parent isn't in question. The social scientist in me wishes I had posted in a gender neutral manner.

 

[BethM]

It is kinda funny that my mentioning that my friend would like to have a couple of days off a month(or *I* would like him to, as the suspicion seems to be) would mean his giving up his Father of the Year credentials, when the mother of the child has about 80 days and nights a year away from her son and her devotion as a parent isn't in question. The social scientist in me wishes I had posted in a gender neutral manner.

Monday through Friday this child's mother is home with him in the evenings. On top of working all day she comes home to spend her evenings with a child with autism. I have a feeling her days are pretty long based on my knowledge of autism and the time it takes to parent a child with the disorder. I'm thinking she isn't coming home from work, kicking back and spending her evenings watching television.

The father, on the other hand, spends his mornings getting the son off to school. He then goes home and works from home. He doesn't have the pressures of a boss, he is free to take a two hour lunch if he likes and his evenings during the week are spent relaxing. He is not spending his days, Monday thru Friday working and then coming home and caring for this child.

As it stands right now, even though the father is doing a lot, this child's mother spends far more nights with him and probably puts far more energy and time into caring for him.

If, as you suggest, the father starts following the divorce decree and leaves this mother to deal with the child on her on plus work a full time job it won't be long before she will have to hire someone to help her. Who is going to help with that expense?

From your perspective this father is doing too much. From my perspective a father or mother can never do too much. I'm sure if you traded places with this mother for a couple of weeks you might begin to understand her need for help on the weekends.

In my opinion, I'd rather be in Dad's shoes than Mom's any day. At least he doesn't have the child on days when he has also had to put a full day in at work.

Poeple like you worry me. You are playing with other people's lives. You have an opinion in a situation that is none of your business. If you were this man's friend you would be supporting him, not suggesting that he "follow the divorce decree" or bending his ear about how much he is doing.

It has nothing to do with your gender. If you were a man posting the same things about this situation you would have gotten the same responses. Leave this man alone to participate in his son's life in anyway he desires. Stop being a negative enfluence in a situation that is none of your business and do it soon before you cost this little boy time away from a father who seems to love him very much.

 

[stealth2]

Has he given some thought to perhaps going to mediation with Mom? Might be a better way to try to come to an agreement instead of shattering the kid's routine by going back to a strict following of the order. I personally don't see *either* parent wanting some free time as unreasonable.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

See? Now that's good advice, delivered in a civil manner. Thanks for that.

Civil manner? I shouldn't have to post the same advice twice and from what you posted since, it appears that since you also care for this child, one must assume that you are or wnat to be, dads new love interest and not an interested friend of the family or you would watch the child so dad could get a much needed day off on the weekend. But because that day off would not be with you, that is what you object to isn't it? Futhermore your statement, "Routine is important, but life runs its own course, and he can't always get what he wants when he wants it, and he is actually understanding that now, more and more." Shows your inappropriate interest in this situation since you won't admit your true intent.

STEP back and let these parents look after their child's best interest, if he wants respite time to be with you, let him arrange for it.

 

[stealth2]

This is a bit O/T, but why is Dad still giving an 11yo a bath?

 

[rmet4nzkx]

This is a bit O/T, but why is Dad still giving an 11yo a bath?

The child has Autism, routine and tactile experiences may need to be supervised.

 

[stealth2]

Sure, I understand that. I just find the thought of a bath a bit odd - showers are just as easy to supervise. But hey, what do I know.

(edit) And anyway, it's O/T - I was just curious.

 

[JazzHands]

your statement, "Routine is important, but life runs its own course, and he can't always get what he wants when he wants it, and he is actually understanding that now, more and more." Shows your inappropriate interest in this situation since you won't admit your true intent.

Sometimes he wants to go to the playground in a thunderstorm, he should be allowed outside then? Sometimes he wants to go to Target at 11PM, he should be gotten dressed and driven to the store? He used to get very upset at the time it would take from his asking for a food item and it being prepared/cooked for him, now he takes it in stride that it'll be 20 minutes from when he asked.

I have no true intent, I have not been inserting my opinion. The only thing I have said when he has said anything about this is what I posted before. "Why don't you live by the divorce decree for one month." Oh, and I guess I have asked him in the past why he doesn't have custody, because being with his father primarily makes so much more sense. I truly don't understand the legal obligations here. I totally get the moral/paternal obligation he feels. That is why I am asking you people.

And "inappropriate interest"? After going through the Terry Schiavo thing down here in Florida, I don't think inappropriate interest in how someone is conducting their life exists anymore. Is it too soon to make an ironic Terry Schiavo joke?

Also: stealth, the child is autistic.
Beth, I know from what I posted I don't seem to appreciate the mother's efforts. I know she loves her son, and it isn't easy living with a special needs child. But she has two hours from when she is off work and when he comes home on the bus. And when she puts him in bed on Thursday night, she doesn't see him again until Sunday evening. Every week.
The reason I got curious, is that I invite my friend to things like poker nights or shows with three/four weeks notice and she won't watch her son for a few extra hours. But she can buy a whole season of ballet or touring Broadway shows for Thursday nights, and he has no problem keeping his son over for her.

And although he doesn't have a boss standing over his shoulder, he does have bosses, several in fact, and deadlines. yes, he can take a two hour lunch, but he also keeps working into the evening when projects are due. He works from home deliberately to be available for his son, he could be much more efficient at the office with his co-workers getting real time information instead of relying on email.

I know, none of my business. And it is.