Is there anything I can do?

[angeleque73]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?Florida

Here is my problem. My son started going back to his father every other weekend about a month and a half ago. My son is only 6 and in kindergarten. His behavior a couple days before he goes and about a week when he comes back is horrible. About 3 weeks ago he got suspended off of the bus for hitting his bus driver with his book bag (on a friday when he was supposed to go to his father). The following Wednesday he got paddled at school for being very disrespectful to his teacher. He went to his father's this past weekend. School was out on Monday for Columbus Day. Tuesday, I got a call from the dean at his school, letting me know that he was suspended for one day from school for 1. hitting another student so hard that it was heard through the class 2. for calling a 2nd grade girl a "sexy b**ch". He doesn't hear that kind of language at home. What I am thinking is it is happening at his dad's house. What do I need to do to get supervised visitation for his father? or will I even be able to do that?

 

[stealth2]

Probably not - you have no proof whatsoever that Dad has anything to do with it, and even if he does it can be chalked up to differing parenting styles.

A better course of action would be to make it clear to your son that his behavior is unacceptable and impose consequences at home on top of those from school.

It also sounds as though your son is an angry young man, and you may want to consider having him see a counselor to find out if that's the root of his behavioral issues.

 

[nextwife]

2. for calling a 2nd grade girl a "sexy b**ch". He doesn't hear that kind of language at home. What I am thinking is it is happening at his dad's house. What do I need to do to get supervised visitation for his father? or will I even be able to do that?

Dear, kids "pick up language" at that age EVEN if there is NO visitation. My husband and I have a child who only lives with us (there is no parental visitation issue), and she has heard all sorts of phrases from other kids, older kids on the bus, other kids on the playground, etc.

YOU don't even KNOW Dad has ANYTHING to do with thiis behavior. If the child's behavior deteriorates during the week, they may also be ADHD. That might also explain the impulsivity (hitting with backpack). Have you ever seen any other ADHD behaviors? Hyperconcentrating on something that interests him, distractability, acting impulsively?

You need to teach him the boundaries that exist. He WILL hear and observe things you cannot isolate him from, but YOU need to teach him to never use any woird you have not told him is ok.

 

[Susan MacLove]

Is corporal punishment in schools in your state legal? I would be a bit concerned about my children being "paddled" at school.

 

[stealth2]

it's allowed in FL.

 

[angeleque73]

Is corporal punishment in schools in your state legal? I would be a bit concerned about my children being "paddled" at school.

Yes it's allowed. The only reason I allow it is because it seems like when he gets in trouble at school and he gets disciplined at home, the discipline that we give doesn't help. I figured if he got paddled at school then it might help him behave better there.

 

[angeleque73]

Probably not - you have no proof whatsoever that Dad has anything to do with it, and even if he does it can be chalked up to differing parenting styles.

A better course of action would be to make it clear to your son that his behavior is unacceptable and impose consequences at home on top of those from school.

It also sounds as though your son is an angry young man, and you may want to consider having him see a counselor to find out if that's the root of his behavioral issues.

My son has been seeing a therapist for about a year now. When my son started seeing his father back at the end of August that is when his real bad behavior started. That was the first time in almost a year that he has seen him. My son had behavior problems before he started seeing dad again but his behavior was never like it is now.

 

[angeleque73]

Dear, kids "pick up language" at that age EVEN if there is NO visitation. My husband and I have a child who only lives with us (there is no parental visitation issue), and she has heard all sorts of phrases from other kids, older kids on the bus, other kids on the playground, etc.

YOU don't even KNOW Dad has ANYTHING to do with thiis behavior. If the child's behavior deteriorates during the week, they may also be ADHD. That might also explain the impulsivity (hitting with backpack). Have you ever seen any other ADHD behaviors? Hyperconcentrating on something that interests him, distractability, acting impulsively?

You need to teach him the boundaries that exist. He WILL hear and observe things you cannot isolate him from, but YOU need to teach him to never use any woird you have not told him is ok.

He has already been diagnosed being ADHD. He takes medication on a daily basis. He also has been seeing a therapist for about a year.

 

[tigger22472]

Dear, kids "pick up language" at that age EVEN if there is NO visitation. My husband and I have a child who only lives with us (there is no parental visitation issue), and she has heard all sorts of phrases from other kids, older kids on the bus, other kids on the playground, etc.
.

I agree with this. I openly admit that I curse in my home and use a variety of words. My step-daughter's mother does not curse. When her son was about 9 he came to me and was amazed because he had heard his mom 'use the F word' and it was the first time ever (she was fighting with her now ex). Her idea is that they hear it everywhere else they don't need to hear it at home and I respect that. However, one night at a swim meet their precious little girl was about 7 or so and was chasing lightening bugs saying... "Come here you little b**tards." I made REAL clear to mom that wasn't a word she heard in my house because that one is a pet peeve word. In the same respect mom's son has been caught cursing at school, church and other places and so has their daughter in a few instances, yet my biological kids never did and they were exposed more to it.

To the OP... things as far as the behavior before and after visits is a bit normal (although I agree extreme at times and agree he would benefit from counseling). I think a lot of parents here will tell you that sometimes it's like having to take a week after and reprogram them to remember the rules of your house.

 

[JBMD]

Did anyone ever consider actually discussing the behavior problems with the ex???? Maybe he has similar issues when he goes to visit, and or maybe just maybe he would appreciate knowing what is going on with his son's behavior at school and maybe just maybe there is some way that he can help the behavior situation!! COMMUNICATION is key!! When will people learn that!!!
My ex doesn't tell me about behavior issues at school, I don't find out until long after when i speak to his teacher. Well if I had been told at the time it happened I could have spoken with him or done something to correct the issue. But no!!! And all of a sudden now that we're in court, my ex has "witnesses" testifying to my son's behavior after he returns from a visit with me!! Stateing that it is less than acceptable!! Well now when I first get him after he's been with her, his behavior is less than desirable, but he's 6 and it takes a bit for him to change pace!! And he's just testing the water to see what he can get away with!! Don't let him get away with it!!
Hope this helps!

 

[shawna maples]

Just an opinion after witnessing a similar scenario whereas cp blamed ncp, for child's bad behavior, to any that would listen. This cp didn't share that child had been requesting to live w/ncp. This cp listed bad behaviors and demanded ncp do the disciplining while acting as though sharing in that discipline. This cp went as far as to have ncp go to the school and request corporal punishment whereas the cp then rushed to the school playing the my poor child act..not realizing ncp in fact had not requested the corporal punishment..it came to be known that the cp was encouraging the bad behavior and rewarding it as a means to cause a reason to lessen visitation and to have child to want less visitation..it backfired.

It doesn't sit well with me for a parent to be willing for a school to discipline a child when that parent doesn't feel it necessary to discipline the child themselves, yet blames the bad behavior on the ncp.

 

[stealth2]

It doesn't sit well with me for a parent to be willing for a school to discipline a child when that parent doesn't feel it necessary to discipline the child themselves, yet blames the bad behavior on the ncp.

A-yup. And frankly, this sounds like less of an NCP-specific problem, and more of a good excuse.

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?Florida

Here is my problem. My son started going back to his father every other weekend about a month and a half ago. My son is only 6 and in kindergarten. His behavior a couple days before he goes and about a week when he comes back is horrible. About 3 weeks ago he got suspended off of the bus for hitting his bus driver with his book bag (on a friday when he was supposed to go to his father). The following Wednesday he got paddled at school for being very disrespectful to his teacher. He went to his father's this past weekend. School was out on Monday for Columbus Day. Tuesday, I got a call from the dean at his school, letting me know that he was suspended for one day from school for 1. hitting another student so hard that it was heard through the class 2. for calling a 2nd grade girl a "sexy b**ch". He doesn't hear that kind of language at home. What I am thinking is it is happening at his dad's house. What do I need to do to get supervised visitation for his father? or will I even be able to do that?

I recommend perusing the CHADD website. ADHD kids often have the most difficult time in Kindergarden...it's very very common- Transitions are always hard for ADHD kids. Medication isn't the sole solution. Positive Reinforcement program(s) at school and home will make a difference. ie; Child gets X amount of points for good behavior in class, and X amount for good behavior on bus, at home etc. etc.

The therapist can work with you and the other parent on a contract for behavior. Making rules/chores/expectations as similar as possible at both homes will also greatly improve the situation for both parents.

ADHD kids are often very bright...and if he gets 'wind' of you and the other parent playing the 'blame' game...he will become a pro @ playing you against each other and avoiding personal responsibility.

In addition to the Dx of ADHD~ Is the child under an active 504 &/or EIP at school?

 

[CJane]

A-yup. And frankly, this sounds like less of an NCP-specific problem, and more of a good excuse.

Exactly. I tend to expect some transitional issues when the kid have spent a long weekend at dad's house - not because he's a bad parent but because there are different behavioral expectations in each household. However, I don't blame dad for those, and over the past 18 months, they've diminished considerably.

However, what mom's describing, now that we know there's a diagnosis/medication/therapy sounds less and less like anything related to dad and more and more like mom wanting to use it as a reason to deny visitation.

I would be interested in knowing how long dad was out of the picture (since mom states that the child only recently began spending every other weekend with his father 'again'. Where was dad? What was the reason for the lack of visits? Was any of this explained to the child? How has mom handled the return to visitations?

The other, totally non-legal, but totally mommy thing that's going to drive me crazy is this comment by OP...

The only reason I allow it is because it seems like when he gets in trouble at school and he gets disciplined at home, the discipline that we give doesn't help. I figured if he got paddled at school then it might help him behave better there.

If the discipline isn't working at home, WHY would you assume it would work at school?

Has proper discipline been discussed with the therapist?

 

[casa]

If the discipline isn't working at home, WHY would you assume it would work at school?

Has proper discipline been discussed with the therapist?

Actually...with ADHD kids it will also tend to UNDERmine the parent's authority at home. The child will still act out at home- Maybe even moreso.

OP: Have you educated yourself about the negative effects of physical discipline with ADHD kids? I served for long time as President of an ADHD parent support group~ PM me if you'd like.