Joint Physical Custody

[Rebecca21904]

What is the name of your state?California
Anyone know of a mediator recommending 6 months with each parent (joint physical/legal) for school age children who would have to go to change schools during Christmas break?? Just curious. My ex mentioned this as a possible agreement... I'm not sure if that is even a plan that could work... our children are 7 and 9. He is proposing that they are with him for the first part of the school year visiting with me once a month and they we swap the day after Christmas and they are with me at a new school for the remainder... anyone have any experience with this type of arrangement. I told him even if *we* wanted to do that or thought it would work, I didnt think a mediator or a judge would order it...

Rebecca

 

[Smarty Panties]

I know someone who had this agreement but it was their decision and not a judge deciding it. I personally think it's too hard on the kids and can't imagine a judge ordering it if one of the parents is opposed to it.

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state?California
Anyone know of a mediator recommending 6 months with each parent (joint physical/legal) for school age children who would have to go to change schools during Christmas break?? Just curious. My ex mentioned this as a possible agreement... I'm not sure if that is even a plan that could work... our children are 7 and 9. He is proposing that they are with him for the first part of the school year visiting with me once a month and they we swap the day after Christmas and they are with me at a new school for the remainder... anyone have any experience with this type of arrangement. I told him even if *we* wanted to do that or thought it would work, I didnt think a mediator or a judge would order it...

Rebecca

I highly doubt it would happen if one parent opposed it- However, courts like parents to stipulate and come to their own agreement, so it's possible if you both agreed it could become court order.

I suggest you reading up and talking with professionals about that time frame. Remember it's changing schools 1/2 way through the year- which leaves <minus adjustment periods> only a matter of months in each place. Very difficult to maintain not only consistent academic gauges, but friendships and any extracurricular activities- which are all valuable in that age group.

You don't say the distance you live with the father. While it's admirable you want to work it out, have you considered shared parenting in smaller time frames?? Perhaps one or the other (or both in turn) commuting the distance to keep the children in the same school district? Just some questions....Some things to mull over.

 

[Rebecca21904]

California.
I'm another one of those women who married a man in the Army. He is being stationed in North Carolina. My ex, of course, does not want the kids to move, I don't blame him. He suggested this six month thing, which I dont think is really great for them. I offered him one weekend a month (airfare I would pay), the weekend would default to any 3 day holiday weekends, I offered winter and spring break, and june 15 to august 15 - summer vaca. His stance, of course, it would be mine too is to reverse it... let him have the kids and I would get the visits - however, he isn't going to foot the bill for any of the airfare because I'm the one who wants to move. So then, I would be paying child support and also paying for airfare to fly my kids for visits. Such a mess... hindsight, lol. When you are falling in love, at times, you fail to consider things such as this... stupidly, it never crossed our minds that he could be sent to another state. Would I have not married the man I love if it had crossed our minds? I'm not so sure. Anyway, I have been on this forum looking around enough to know that alot of you dont think to kindly about women trying to take the kids out of the state to stay with the military member husband. I personally do feel however, that for the majority of my children's life, I have been their sole provider - they have an every other weekend thing with their dad and while I am not taking from that at all... every child needs a father and they do have a good one. The visitation I am suggesting would actually give him 3 percent more visitation then he gets now, it would just be in a differernt format. We will be in mediation in a month or so.. I'm sure it will go to long cause... anyone have any thoughts on the subject?

 

[LdiJ]

California.
I'm another one of those women who married a man in the Army. He is being stationed in North Carolina. My ex, of course, does not want the kids to move, I don't blame him. He suggested this six month thing, which I dont think is really great for them. I offered him one weekend a month (airfare I would pay), the weekend would default to any 3 day holiday weekends, I offered winter and spring break, and june 15 to august 15 - summer vaca. His stance, of course, it would be mine too is to reverse it... let him have the kids and I would get the visits - however, he isn't going to foot the bill for any of the airfare because I'm the one who wants to move. So then, I would be paying child support and also paying for airfare to fly my kids for visits. Such a mess... hindsight, lol. When you are falling in love, at times, you fail to consider things such as this... stupidly, it never crossed our minds that he could be sent to another state. Would I have not married the man I love if it had crossed our minds? I'm not so sure. Anyway, I have been on this forum looking around enough to know that alot of you dont think to kindly about women trying to take the kids out of the state to stay with the military member husband. I personally do feel however, that for the majority of my children's life, I have been their sole provider - they have an every other weekend thing with their dad and while I am not taking from that at all... every child needs a father and they do have a good one. The visitation I am suggesting would actually give him 3 percent more visitation then he gets now, it would just be in a differernt format. We will be in mediation in a month or so.. I'm sure it will go to long cause... anyone have any thoughts on the subject?

I actually think that your plan is a pretty good one....and isn't such a huge change from what is currently in place. I think that the every six months plan is a horrible one for the kids.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

A compromise is a compromise, both parties give up something in return for something else, in the case of child custody and visitaiton it is the children's best interest first, then the interests of the parents.

I've thought about this and when you look at it compared to you becomming NCP paying for all the transportation, limited visitation because you moved away, this plan becomes the most advantagous to you and you have the children during the majority of the school year. You already state that the father is a good father and that he has every right to do this as you are the party that moved away. As to the dates of the switch, that might vary from year to year before and after Christmas and adjusitng the summer transfer so that both parents get every other Christmas.

One other alternative is since you want the children to have the whole school year in one place is to do the transfer on a once a year basis in mid summer, allowing for holiday visitations, this would cost you more, and the language would have to indicate that the split time would be based on a 2 year block of time and that neither of you would be petitioning to get sole custody or child support in your off year. You would still pay for transportation and the oppisite parent would get the holiday visitaitons.

 

[stealth2]

Well, I can't fault Dad for not wanting the kids to move so far away. But I can't say that I believe a 6 month rotating schedule is a great one. By the time kids are established in school, it's just way too disruptive to constantly be changing schools - be it every 6 mos or every year.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Well, I can't fault Dad for not wanting the kids to move so far away. But I can't say that I believe a 6 month rotating schedule is a great one. By the time kids are established in school, it's just way too disruptive to constantly be changing schools - be it every 6 mos or every year.

A counter to that argument is that these children would under OP's plan become a military family and subject to more instability than if father were to be CP, remember military families move and not always in the summer and the children in their schools are also changing constantly, so this military marriage is adding more instability than the fathers suggesiton of a 6 month rotation, so if stability in school is what OP wants for her children then the first choice would be for her to become NCP since the father's school would offer the most stable environment.

 

[stealth2]

And I don't disagree with that.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

That's why a mediator is employed to look at all the options in a more detached and objective manner, weighing them all against the best interest of the children as opposed to the interested parties. It's not always possible to reach a true meeting of the minds. In this case, I would have additional concern as the mom entered into a marriage to a military member without understanding the implications for her children and now regrets having made that decision without consideration, something that is not the fault of the children.

 

[Rebecca21904]

Thank you for all the input... I am the first to say that I want what is best for my children even if it isn't what I like or want, however since dad has been ncp for the majority of our children's life and I'm not even asking for any reduction of visitation at all, he is actually going to end up with more than he has now, he never attends any of the school functions now anyway, at this time we already live 136 miles from eachother (which was his choice to move to San Jose and we live in Sacramento). I talked to an attorney yesterday and he seemed to feel that what I am willing to offer my ex is reasonable, as long as I stick to what I'm offering, of course, my ex could file for contempt if I didn't honor my side of the order, blah blah. They are almost 8 and 10, my children and I'm not sure about the one year on, one year off thing... I dont know, that might actually be something to consider. Someone mentioned that, transferring them in the summer and then whichever parent was the other parent at that time would have holiday, 3 day weekend visitations at that parents expense. I'm assuming then there would be no exchange of child support, right... it would be a wash? Thanks again.

Rebecca

 

[stealth2]

Remember also, that should it go to court - you're going to have to convince the judge that the move is in the kids' best interests.

 

[Rebecca21904]

Right, I know... not that any other family members can or will ever replace their dad but my sister, her husband, their children, and my mom all live in North Carolina where I want to move... also, I dont know if I should even mention this but while there dad is a good one... for the past 3 years he rarely pays child support, works under the table, has never provided them with health insurance... I mean, personally, I think it says something about someone when they don't provide financially for children they chose to bring into the world. He hasn't filed takes for three years because he says he doesnt want me to get the money. We have had the child support lowered twice so it will be more affordable for him but he still never pays... the last time I got it, it was 27 dollars a week and that was because he managed to get a job, get laid off, and get some unemployment. His new wife (just got married) supports the family. I dont know, it is the only thing/problem i have with my ex... of course, my new husband he provides medical for the kids through the army, i work part time, go to school, and he supports us basically. I just don't know how my ex is going to claim he is financially secure enough to have the kids full time if he can't even manage to pay his child support.... is this valid or am i grasping?? lol