Learned about daughter 12 years later...help

[RSMBob]

What is the name of your state? CA

An ex-girlfriend called me last year and told me we have a now-12 year old daughter and the girl wnated to know more about me. We have since talked, met and have established a relationship even though the girl and her mom live in Utah.

The mom has gone through a bitter divorce and her ex-husband is still going for visitation rights withthe girl. The girl want nothing to do with him and is terified of him. The mom is not requesting financial support from me but wants me and my family to be a positive presence in the girl'slife, which I am trying to do despite obstacles. In addiiton, the ex-husband NEVER adopted the girl but is still claiming for visitation

The mom has sent me a complex parenting stipulation that she says will help reduce any influence/visitation that her ex-husband may have. This seems kinda fishy to me and I have had advice not to sign it. I HAVE signed an affadavit acknowldging that I'm the father and have filed a corrected birth cert.

Advice appreciated.

 

[averad]

What proof is this your child? If your handing out free money I have atleast 6 of your children and im a man! (Plane tickets,food & other indirect payments).

I HAVE signed an affadavit acknowldging that I'm the father and have filed a corrected birth cert.

*sigh*

 

[seniorjudge]

The mom is not requesting financial support from me

Mom cannot waive child support.

 

[BL]

What is the name of your state? CA

An ex-girlfriend called me last year and told me we have a now-12 year old daughter and the girl wnated to know more about me. We have since talked, met and have established a relationship even though the girl and her mom live in Utah.

The mom has gone through a bitter divorce and her ex-husband is still going for visitation rights withthe girl. The girl want nothing to do with him and is terified of him. The mom is not requesting financial support from me but wants me and my family to be a positive presence in the girl'slife, which I am trying to do despite obstacles. In addiiton, the ex-husband NEVER adopted the girl but is still claiming for visitation

The mom has sent me a complex parenting stipulation that she says will help reduce any influence/visitation that her ex-husband may have. This seems kinda fishy to me and I have had advice not to sign it. I HAVE signed an affadavit acknowldging that I'm the father and have filed a corrected birth cert.

Advice appreciated.

Why did you sign anything without a court approved DNA test ?

I know of a case where DNA was established and back support was order 8 yrs later with the father not knowing twin boys existed . I Advise a consult with a Family Law Attorney for a small fee .

 

[nextwife]

What is the name of your state? CA

An ex-girlfriend called me last year and told me we have a now-12 year old daughter and the girl wnated to know more about me. We have since talked, met and have established a relationship even though the girl and her mom live in Utah.

The mom has gone through a bitter divorce and her ex-husband is still going for visitation rights withthe girl. The girl want nothing to do with him and is terified of him. The mom is not requesting financial support from me but wants me and my family to be a positive presence in the girl'slife, which I am trying to do despite obstacles. In addiiton, the ex-husband NEVER adopted the girl but is still claiming for visitation

The mom has sent me a complex parenting stipulation that she says will help reduce any influence/visitation that her ex-husband may have. This seems kinda fishy to me and I have had advice not to sign it. I HAVE signed an affadavit acknowldging that I'm the father and have filed a corrected birth cert.

Advice appreciated.

Interesting how some of these moms SUDDENLY care about dad getting a relationship when they are looking for a way to expel a new ex from their life!

Prior to that, mom didn't give crap about whether her kid and their supposed biodad actually had any opportunity to know each other.

I'd refuse to be part of her scheme to cut this guy out.

Signing a paternity affidavit without a DNA test is a moronic thing to do. And it STINKS that you are conspiring with Mom to deny the man who has been there all along a relationship with the kid he has been raising and likely working to support all these years.. LOUSY, LOUSY, LOUSY thing to do!

 

[Silverplum]

What is the name of your state? CA
An ex-girlfriend called me last year and told me we have a now-12 year old daughter and the girl wnated to know more about me. We have since talked, met and have established a relationship even though the girl and her mom live in Utah.

The mom has gone through a bitter divorce and her ex-husband is still going for visitation rights withthe girl. The girl want nothing to do with him and is terified of him. The mom is not requesting financial support from me but wants me and my family to be a positive presence in the girl'slife, which I am trying to do despite obstacles. In addiiton, the ex-husband NEVER adopted the girl but is still claiming for visitation

The mom has sent me a complex parenting stipulation that she says will help reduce any influence/visitation that her ex-husband may have. This seems kinda fishy to me and I have had advice not to sign it. I HAVE signed an affadavit acknowldging that I'm the father and have filed a corrected birth cert.
Advice appreciated.

You, sir, are a sucker.

Why on earth you would trust a woman who, if she is even telling the truth, withheld your child from you for 12 precious years?

 

[Silverplum]

Interesting how some of these moms SUDDENLY care about dad getting a relationship when they are looking for a way to expel a new ex from their life!

Prior to that, mom didn't give crap about whether her kid and their supposed biodad actually had any opportunity to know each other.

I'd refuse to be part of her scheme to cut this guy out.

Signing a paternity affidavit without a DNA test is a moronic thing to do. And it STINKS that you are conspiring with Mom to deny the man who has been there allo along a relationship with the kid he has been raising. LOUSY, LOUSY, LOUSY thing to do!

Word.
NW said it better than I.

 

[nextwife]

Word.
NW said it better than I.

Thank you.

All I can say is GRRRR! I HATE seeing people trying to play the "Musical Daddys" game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[averad]

https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=222227 POSTED ON 02-11-2005, 05:05 PM - 16 Replies total

What is the name of your state? CA (mom and daughter now live in UT)

12 years ago I dated a girl for six months. Despite trying to be careful, she
told me she got pregnant and when it happened she and her family cut off all
ties to me (long story) and access from me to her. She told me she had a miscarriage (she also had other health issues) and said we could not see or talk again because it was so hard. It was the most traumatic emotional ordeal I had ever gone through...well, until now. 2 weeks ago I get a phone call from her...she now lives in Utah (moved thre when the girl was < 1 year old)...and says that we have an 11-year old daughter together and the girl wants to know more about me. Once I picked my jaw up off the ground I was able to get some questions answered, but obviously MANY more remain.

Needless to say this has brought up such a wide range of emotions in me that
I'm not sure what to do next. Her mom says she's not after money or anything, just wants her to have the oppty to get to know me and my family. The mom sent me some pics of the girl and I sent her a letter and a couple of pictures, but I am wary of jumping in too far at this point. My ex-gf is also going through a divorce so I'm not sure what role that
plays in things with her or the girl (although she will likely get 100% custody since the husband never adopted her). I'm not 100% sure that the girl is my
daughter, but I believe it is likely. My name is not on the birth cert, and the girl was told at 6 years old that she had a different father who was "not ready" to be a dad at that time. I'll reserve my comment on that statement in this forum.

I am now married with 2 kids and my wife is being very supportive but I know she is hurting (she has rightfully vented a couple of times), and we have seen clergy at our church about this.

I don't know what I want out of this, but if I have a daughter who needs me as some part of her life, I don't want to deny her. Most importantly, I don't want to jeopardize my wife and kids in any way...financially or otherwise and I am concerned about potential entrapment of some type by my former gf. Given the lies and deception that led to this point, I have very strong negative emotional feelings towars my ex-gf (lying to me, falsifying the birth cert, child endangerment for not getting my medical records for the child, moving away, and more), but I want to go forward in a way that will give the girl what she wants and needs to the best of my ability.

I would appreciate any counsel/guidance/advice on what I need to do to move forward without jeopardizing myself or my family. Focusing on the past will not help anyone, but I want to do what is best in the present and future.

Note: Posting in this in more than one forum because it covers more than one topic.

https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=222228 POSTED ON 02-11-2005, 05:07 PM - 10 Replies total

Same story

Note: Posting in this in more than one forum because it covers more than one topic.

 

[fairisfair]

Word.
NW said it better than I.

you know me, I disagree

We don't know what kind of relationship daughter has with step dad, it could be horrific for all we know. He SAYS she is terrified of her step father.

Usually we would be blasting mom to come clean and tell bio dad the truth. Telling step dad, to butt out, that he has no rights to the girl. Telling bio dad, to do whatever he has to to foster his relationship with HIS daughter.

what gives????

I agree, it sucks that mom cost him 12 years, but he seems willing to get over that. Apparently, he is more than willing, signing an AOP and no DNA?? sigh.

 

[averad]

The OP has repetedly since 2005 been told to get a DNA test and still has failed to mention one.

The first post was 02-11-2005 and he is still asking the same questions, however the story has sure gotten shorter. One would think more would have happened in over a year (19 Months).

 

[fairisfair]

The OP has repetedly since 2005 been told to get a DNA test and still has failed to mention one.

The first post was 02-11-2005 and he is still asking the same questions, however the story has sure gotten shorter. One would think more would have happened in over a year (19 Months).

It has been a really slow year for me too!! LOL

 

[averad]

Anyone else think that the child should be atleast 13 now? (Post Feb 2005 -> Post July 2006)

The lies, doesn't anyone THINK OF THE CHILDREN *cry*

 

[RSMBob]

Ok, yikes...see what happens when my computer breaks down (bad video card) before I get the whole story out! It's obvious some of you are passionate and care, and I respect and appreciate your input.

Here goes...

She is 12 1/2 now...born early '94. She WAS 11 when I first found out about her.
Before making significant contact I requested and we completed a DNA test for my piece of mind as well as that of my wife who has been supportive through the whole thing. I am not denying I am the father of the girl.

I talk with my daughter a couple of times per week and had established a good relationship with her mom and the family they all live with (mom, aunt, aunt's daughters and grandmother). As noted we have seen each other 3 times...and the time it was in UT my family actually stayed at thier house for 3 nights. A spring visit had to be scrubbed and the recent communication with the mom has been poor due to stress and non-action from my part on this requested "Parenting stipulation".

This document is more like a document between divorced parents...it talks about who gets the child when and such and it just sickens me that it reduces the girl to a piece of property. I did briefly speak with a family lawyer who said I shouldn't sign it...and that at least in CA I would not be liable for child support because, as he said, the mother "made her own bed and now she has to sleep in it". Look, I WANT to help out, financially when I'm able to, but in other, hopefully more important ways. I really can't be a parent to her, and I don't want to complicate her life by trying to, but I do want to be a father and friend to the extent I can, and to set a good example for her with my family (wife and 2 younger kids). I AM in some financial distress right now, and after my initial consultation with the lawyer, the thought of even paying an initial retainer fee of $500 for 2 hours of "consulting" seriously troubles me. I DO want our relationship to grow, and for visits here, there or elsewhere to be determined not by legal documents, but by me, my wife, the girl's mom and the girl herself as opportunties warrant.

On the other hand, I DO know that the ex-husband is creating a terrible situation for the girl and her mom, and it has affected the girl's her health and her schoolwork this past year. I don't know the ex-husband but it troubles me that the mom never allowed him to adopt the girl (why would you marry him?) and also that he would pursue and have any visitation rights with the girl considering he is not her real or adopted father (is it out of love/concern for her or just to stick it to the mom?). I believe he did provide some financial support for the girl, but the mom and the ex-hus were separated for 5+ years of their 8 year marriage, or so I have been told.

The girl has asked me for any help I can provide and I feel obligted to do so for her well-being, but I'm not sure of what to do without signing this "parenting stipulation".

I have had to put a LOT behind me to deal with this situation...the break-up with this girl's mom tormented me for years and quite frankly cost me my career. I have tried to take the high road and leave the past alone, focusing on what me and my family can do in the present and future, but it's hard. The fact that she kept this from me for 11 years is horrible, not only to me, but sadly, to the girl herself. That being said, I would rather NOT complicate the girl's life, just try to add to it...I do believe that the girl is loved, has a good life, and is being brought up well, even if the situation (with the mom's divorce) is less than ideal.

I hope this clears up some of the questions you have posed, and I look forward to your thoughts.

 

[tiki101]

What proof is this your child? If your handing out free money I have atleast 6 of your children and im a man! (Plane tickets,food & other indirect payments).

Hahaha!! That is too funny!