Ok, yikes...see what happens when my computer breaks down (bad video card) before I get the whole story out! It's obvious some of you are passionate and care, and I respect and appreciate your input.
Here goes...
She is 12 1/2 now...born early '94. She WAS 11 when I first found out about her.
Before making significant contact I requested and we completed a DNA test for my piece of mind as well as that of my wife who has been supportive through the whole thing. I am not denying I am the father of the girl.
Well at least you did a DNA test but you didn't mention that in this thread. And some of us do not scour every thread on the board looking for whole story.
I talk with my daughter a couple of times per week and had established a good relationship with her mom and the family they all live with (mom, aunt, aunt's daughters and grandmother). As noted we have seen each other 3 times...and the time it was in UT my family actually stayed at thier house for 3 nights. A spring visit had to be scrubbed and the recent communication with the mom has been poor due to stress and non-action from my part on this requested "Parenting stipulation".
If you want visitation GO TO COURT. Oh yeah you don't want to go to court because you don't want to be financially responsible with a monthly obligation. Got it.
This document is more like a document between divorced parents...it talks about who gets the child when and such and it just sickens me that it reduces the girl to a piece of property.
No it doesn't. All divorced/separated parents have a custody order. It is what the courts will set up to guarantee each parent their rights to spend time with their child.
I did briefly speak with a family lawyer who said I shouldn't sign it...and that at least in CA I would not be liable for child support because, as he said, the mother "made her own bed and now she has to sleep in it".
No you shouldn't sign it but yes you can be liable for child support. Not necessarily back support but this child is yours and you have a legal obligation to support said child. Now mom can't collect support from both step daddy and you so if she is getting it from him she can't get it from you. But you still have a legal obligation.
Look, I WANT to help out, financially when I'm able to, but in other, hopefully more important ways. I really can't be a parent to her,
Tough. You are a legal parent to her. You dont get to decide that you don' want to be. The time to decide you don't want to be a parent is before you drop your pants and insert tab p into slot v.
and I don't want to complicate her life by trying to, but I do want to be a father and friend to the extent I can,
No you don't want to be a father or a friend. You want to be able to go about your life and when you get bored and want something or want to feel like an adult you want to pop in and say hi I am your dad and take credit for whatever this child accomplishes. That is not what a real adult does. That is not what a responsible adult does. That is what an immature selfish person does.
and to set a good example for her with my family (wife and 2 younger kids).
Bull. A good example would be to take responsibility and be a father with everything that that entails. But that is apparently too much for you to do because you are looking for excuses.
I AM in some financial distress right now, and after my initial consultation with the lawyer, the thought of even paying an initial retainer fee of $500 for 2 hours of "consulting" seriously troubles me. I DO want our relationship to grow, and for visits here, there or elsewhere to be determined not by legal documents, but by me, my wife, the girl's mom and the girl herself as opportunties warrant.
GROW UP. You don't want the responsibility. That is apparent. You on the other hand do not want to be this child's parent.
On the other hand, I DO know that the ex-husband is creating a terrible situation for the girl and her mom, and it has affected the girl's her health and her schoolwork this past year.
You know nothing. You cannot prove that it is ex husband that is doing this. You are hearing things from mom second hand. You don't think that your attitude, mom's behavior and the whole divorce situation has not affected this girl? And yet you put it all on ex husband because then you don't have to face up to whatever your role might be.
I don't know the ex-husband but it troubles me that the mom never allowed him to adopt the girl (why would you marry him?)
You know what -- step parent adoptions are NOT as easy as saying sign this. Mom would have had to contact you and get you to sign off your rights during the marriage. yet she didn't contact you until her marriage broke up. She didn't want you anywhere around. She didn't want you to have anything to do with the situation while step daddy was in the picture and she could play family with him, her daughter and herself. Now that step daddy is gone she needs another person to hang this on. So try blaming MOM and yourself actually. Not to mention you wanting step daddy to adopt just shows how you are trying to shirk more of your responsibility and blame the ex. Grow up.
and also that he would pursue and have any visitation rights with the girl considering he is not her real or adopted father (is it out of love/concern for her or just to stick it to the mom?).
Look jerk. He is the psychological parent. He has been there raising this child when you were too busy to be bothered and he still wants to be around. Unlike you that only wants to be involved whenever it suits you. He is the more mature of the two of you and probably the three adults in this picture. Not to mention if he walks you would then have all the responsibility dumped in your lap.
I believe he did provide some financial support for the girl, but the mom and the ex-hus were separated for 5+ years of their 8 year marriage, or so I have been told.
So what? That means nothing. He has still been there for the child in ways that you never have and never want to be. He had NO LEGAL RESPONSIBILITY to support this child and yet he stepped up to the plate. That man should get kudos. You on the other hand should get nothing.
The girl has asked me for any help I can provide and I feel obligted to do so for her well-being, but I'm not sure of what to do without signing this "parenting stipulation".
If you are the legal father you are legally responsible to pay child support. You do not have to exercise any parental visitation. But you do need to pay and support your child.
I have had to put a LOT behind me to deal with this situation...the break-up with this girl's mom tormented me for years and quite frankly cost me my career.
Poor baby.
I have tried to take the high road and leave the past alone, focusing on what me and my family can do in the present and future, but it's hard. The fact that she kept this from me for 11 years is horrible, not only to me, but sadly, to the girl herself.
And yet you are not taking any responsibility for your role in this. None. It is everyone else's fault and responsibility and all we hear from you is excuses. Mom did this, her ex husband did this, and you are the innocent which is a bunch of bulls***. The only innocent is the 12 year old.
That being said, I would rather NOT complicate the girl's life, just try to add to it...I do believe that the girl is loved, has a good life, and is being brought up well, even if the situation (with the mom's divorce) is less than ideal.
I hope this clears up some of the questions you have posed, and I look forward to your thoughts.
