Mother-In-Law refuse to move out

[cadcas]

We arel iving in Los Angeles, California. My wife and I (plus two children) live in a house that we bought about 3 years ago. About the same time, my mother-in-law divorced from her husband and had no place to live, so we had offered her to come and live with us. It would also benefit us, because she could help caring for our kids (my wife and I both work full time). Unfortunately, the current situation is that my wife and her mother fight every single night, screeming and yelling at each other constantly. It has come to the point that my kids call me at work and asking me to come home early because they are scared of the verbal fights between my wife and her mother. I was trying to work it out, but fights just keep going on. My wife and I agree that the best resolution is to ask her mother to move out. So we did. However, this is where the proble starts. My mother-in-law does not want to move out. She said she was helping us for years and now she will stay in the house for as long as she want to and she will not go anywhere. And obviously fighting even increased from that ponit on.
I am desparate, I don't know what to do. Can we actually forecfully move her out. What are our options. I am affraid any physical contact with her (I can't just push her out), because she would immediately call the police and try to sue me. If we just change the locks she would probably just get in when we are at work.

Please help us.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Dealing with family members can be difficult, some things you can and cannot do depending on the situation.

You have benefited from her presence because she has at least provided child care, however, you cannot just throw her out or lock her out, she does have rights as a tenant, so you would have to give her 60 days notice under ccc 1946. if she didn't vacate the home then you could begin eviction proceedings, remember you may have some sort of a contract verbal or otherwise with her to provide child care etc. which may come into play if she decides to fight the eviction.

Does she have the means to live on her own with income or a job? How old is she and does she have any disabilities? Is there some way you could transition her to her own place perhaps finding her an apartment nearby so she could have a place of her own and still provide child care? It can be difficult having two women running a house especially when children must switch back and forth between the two depending on who is in charge. You might do well to try to get some conflict resolution or counseling for the two of them by an independent party and/or draw up a contract to delinate responsibilities.

 

[cadcas]

I can't believe this. So basically, if she fights the eviction and wins for whatever reason, basically we are stuck with her forever and deal with her verbal abuse? I mean, this is our house, don't we have any rights?

What if we would decide to sell the house and move to a different house. Do we need her to bring her over as well?

She does not work, she is about 60 years old. However, she does have an income from renting a duplex apartment that she owns. In addition she has some savings. She could be on her own.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

You both have rights and you entered into some sort of a contract with her that was to your benefit, right? What exactly were the terms? From your response it sounds as if you feel her claims may have some merit. So it is not so simple as evicting a stranger, in addition to the all the relationships.

How much have you saved in child care costs having her there watching your children as compared to having to pay for in-house child care, couple that with the convenience of having her there and not having to take the children somewhere else or having to pick them up on time?

There are two sides to every story, just what are they arguing about? How old are your children? Perhaps you can plan to transition her to her own place nearby about the same time as she is eligible to collect social security in about 2 years? It may be to your advantage to find a peaceful solution to this situation.

 

[Gracie3787]

However, she does have an income from renting a duplex apartment that she owns. In addition she has some savings. She could be on her own.

This situation is very bad for your kids, and thier best interests should be top priority.

My suggestion is to find out how to file a legal eviction. File ASAP, however, do not tell mother in law about it until you serve her. As soon as she is served, if she tries to fight call the police and have them remove her for domestic violence (with legal eviction notice as back up).

All parties in this case have benefitted from the arrangement, but it is now not a benefit to your kids, and considering that mom-in-law DOES have a place to live (HER OWNED DUPLEX) there is nothing wrong with evicting her.
Good luck.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

This situation is very bad for your kids, and thier best interests should be top priority.

My suggestion is to find out how to file a legal eviction. File ASAP, however, do not tell mother in law about it until you serve her. As soon as she is served, if she tries to fight call the police and have them remove her for domestic violence (with legal eviction notice as back up).

All parties in this case have benefitted from the arrangement, but it is now not a benefit to your kids, and considering that mom-in-law DOES have a place to live (HER OWNED DUPLEX) there is nothing wrong with evicting her.
Good luck.

Gracie,
None of this is as simple as you make it sound.

I already gave the legal process in my first response.

She cannot be evicted without notice in California, it requires 60 days notice and then the eviction process which may take another 60 days or more, even if she doesn't fight it, there are shorter ways but none of them apply.

The domestic violence tactic you suggest will not work if that is her home and MIL has protection under elder protection statutes, and the courts may find that it is not the MIL that is abusive.

MIL does not have a place to live if the duplex is rented, that would require evicting those tenants first which you also take time and reduce her income, that is why I suggested transitioning, so that if MIL choses to live in the Duplex that it can be vacated in a reasonable manner, most likely will require some maintenance prior to moving and closer to the time she qualifies for SSA, so she doesn't incur additional financial hardship.

We are only getting one side of the story, we don't know what they are fighting about or who is abusive. If anyone is being abused financially it is most lilkely to be MIL.

 

[cadcas]

I do not feel that MIL is being financialy abused at all, as you have mentioned. Our kids are 4 and 10. They are both at school pretty much all day long. All she does, is pick them up from the school and staying with them for a couple of hours so they are not alone at home.
She living in our house, we do not charge her any rent, we pay in full for her medical insurance (which is quiet expensive), we pay for all her food, provide her with transportation (gave her a car and pay for all car maintanance and gasoline),...
Every morning I get up and fix breakfast for kids and take them to school. Weekends we alsways take care of kids ourselves. She is never at home.
Most of her time she spents doing her own things.

I don't think we are taking an advantage of her at all.

My wife is chinese-american and MIL is chinese. Most of the fights are about how are we raising our children. How she should not marry me, because I am bad (but it is more likely because I am not chinese), because we don't go to a chinese temple and don't let kids to go to chinese schools,... and stuff like that.

 

[LdiJ]

I do not feel that MIL is being financialy abused at all, as you have mentioned. Our kids are 4 and 10. They are both at school pretty much all day long. All she does, is pick them up from the school and staying with them for a couple of hours so they are not alone at home.
She living in our house, we do not charge her any rent, we pay in full for her medical insurance (which is quiet expensive), we pay for all her food, provide her with transportation (gave her a car and pay for all car maintanance and gasoline),...
Every morning I get up and fix breakfast for kids and take them to school. Weekends we alsways take care of kids ourselves. She is never at home.
Most of her time she spents doing her own things.

I don't think we are taking an advantage of her at all.

My wife is chinese-american and MIL is chinese. Most of the fights are about how are we raising our children. How she should not marry me, because I am bad (but it is more likely because I am not chinese), because we don't go to a chinese temple and don't let kids to go to chinese schools,... and stuff like that.

You are also dealing with cultural issues as well. In her eyes it would be expected that she would live in her daughter's household since she no longer has a husband.

You can certainly go the eviction route, but that is going to cause serious issues culturally as well. I suspect that eviction would humilitate her very much.

What is your household like? Is there any way that you could create a separate apartment for her within your home? Like converting a garage or something like that? That might ease the situation.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

I do not feel that MIL is being financialy abused at all, as you have mentioned. Our kids are 4 and 10. They are both at school pretty much all day long. All she does, is pick them up from the school and staying with them for a couple of hours so they are not alone at home.
She living in our house, we do not charge her any rent, we pay in full for her medical insurance (which is quiet expensive), we pay for all her food, provide her with transportation (gave her a car and pay for all car maintanance and gasoline),...
Every morning I get up and fix breakfast for kids and take them to school. Weekends we alsways take care of kids ourselves. She is never at home.
Most of her time she spents doing her own things.

I don't think we are taking an advantage of her at all.

My wife is chinese-american and MIL is chinese. Most of the fights are about how are we raising our children. How she should not marry me, because I am bad (but it is more likely because I am not chinese), because we don't go to a chinese temple and don't let kids to go to chinese schools,... and stuff like that.

I waited to respond because much of this is self apparent and as Ldij so rightly points out involves cultural issues which no amount of litigation is going to erase and apparently is the root of your problem more so than the than removing her from your household. The cultural expectations of your MIL culture is strongly based on respect for elders and commitment to their care and inclusion in family until their last breath.

Evicting your MIL is different than evicting a tenant and would have life long consequences for your entire family including your children. If they are fighting in Chinese, as anyone who is exposed to others discussing things in another language will tell you, sound far more angry than they may in fact be, so children 4 & 10 might be frightened by such an exchange, simply because they don't understand it. If the arguments are in English, the additional problem may be due to language problems as well. You say they are fighting about how you are raising your children, again, this is not uncommon, especially if your children are being raised in a home with two cultures, which although you married a woman from a different culture, don't apparently understand it very well. Are your children being raised bi-lingual? Are they being exposed to their mother and grandmother's culture. By your account, they are not and your reluctance to compromise seems to be the sticking point, more so than your MIL being abusive. Is that why you feel that if you take it to court she might win.

You still have not said what the contract was when you invited her into your home, which in her culture is an expectation, essentially a life long commitment.

My son married a woman from Mexico, the children are being riased bi-lingual, my 4 yo grand daughter speaks both Spanish and English, and switches back and forth with ease, even changing accent depending upon with whom she is speaking. Although it may be confusing in some ways, being raised with two cultures is an opportunity that should not be wasted and benefits the child as they mature. I would strongly you get some counseling to deal with the real issue here and look for ways to compormise that will be a win-win for everyone in your family.

You say you are not taking advantage of your MIL because the children are 4 & 10, and you don't charge her rent and provide food and a car and that they are in school most of the time. In the begining, though, they were younger, and she was caring for an infant so your wife could work without the worries and concerns many working families face looking for child care. If you were paying for an Au Pair, you would be providing the same things plus a salary, so yes, you are taking advantage of her and I have no doubt that you are also using the current situation to your best advantage when you file your taxes.

 

[cadcas]

I really resent your accusation that we are taking an advantage of the MIL. You don't know the situation from the past, so you should keep your accusation for yourself! First of all, she never had cared for an infant. My wife and I work both full time and our second child started a day care around 2 yrs. old (before then we had a separate arrangement and MIL was not involved at all). Overwhelming majority of time, I take the child to a day care and pick him up myself (95% of time). She only cares for the younger child maybe once a month (if at all), for couple of hours when we have to work late. She only has to pick up my older kid from the school around 3-4pm, 4 times a week. My wife or myself get home around 6-7pm. So that is 10-12 hours per week that she is with the 10 yr. old. And at that age, kids can take care of themsleves. Otherwise, she does not do anything else in our household. She keeps most of her time with her friends and in the budhist temple.

And what does she get in return (for 10 hours a week)?: free rent, free food, freee car, free gas, free car maintainance, free clothing, free medical insurance that we pay for her, etc...

She has pretty large monthly income from her duplex that she owns which is mortgage free (loan paid in full). Plus significant amount of money she got from a divorce settlement.

And we do not get any benefits on our tax returns because she is living with us. We do our own taxes, she does her own.

And NO! I am not willing to compromise with a person who constantly attacks my wife and me (even though I don't understand) and scares my children. We did try lot of things trying to work with her, but she does not care what we have to say. It is either her way or no way. And I am not going to change my Christian faith and religion and Christian upbringing of my children so I can please some old chinese disrespectful woman !!!!

Thank you for your advice, but I don't agree with you at all and I will start eviction proceedings. I am tired of the daily fights and the impact it has on my wife, my children and our relationship. I need to protect my immediate family. There is much more to gain by her being gone than her being around us.
















We never had a contract for her to do anything. It was more like she had no place to stay

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Well, it is pertty obvious what everyone around you has to deal with and who is disrespctful.

You cannot legally begin eviction proceedings, you have to give appropriate notice.

Realize that you do have a contract.

I'm not going to give you anymore help or suggestions, since you think you know everything already and are not open to any considered advise, or even what is in the best interest of your children. Go ahead, make a fool of yourself, rob your children of their heritage and the love of their grandmother, go ahead allienate your entire family, that won't improve your relationships. When you finaly realize the error of your ways, who will you blame?

 

[cadcas]

The utmost importance for me is to protect my wife and my children from all types of abuse!!! And I don’t care if it is my parents or my in-laws or any other member of the family.

Your advice has nothing to do with a legal advice. You recommendation is for me to become submissive to my MIL and her abusive relationship and just go with her demands. Well, I am not going to allow that. And it does not mean I am disrespectful. That is your opinion.

In fact, it looks to me that you are having some kind of a “battered wife syndrome”…..in this case relating to the parents. No matter what they say and how much they abuse you, you always think it is OK.

I did not ask your personal views or opinions on how I should conduct my relationship with my mother-in-law. I have asked for a legal advice on what are my options to move her out of my house. If you can’t help in that particular subject, then I am not interested in your comments.

 

[stealth2]

Actually, you SHOULD give serious thought to the remorse your wife will likely feel once her mother moves/is evicted. The familial bond in the Chinese culture is extremely strong, as is the belief that the daughter cares for the mother. Expect some guilty backlash from her, and start planning how you will deal with it.

 

[meisjo]

bully for you!

Wow-what an exchange between you two. Get Mom- out live your life- Dad isn't dead they are divorced hmm! I wonder why?

 

[candi4687]

Better you than me

NEVER, may I repeat NEVER allow family to move in with you. Strangers would be less cruel in most situations..LOL Sorry I have been where you are now and I can laugh at it now. Good luck... Hey ...by the way... You going to invite any more family to move in with you and "help out"?