Moving Out Of State

[BL]

He has a agreed to the move.

Since you have to set up " reasonable " visitation rights , It would be in your best interest to work ( around ) his work schedule .

Obviously he is stating he is a man of little means , and can - not afford transportation when his time is OPEN .

This is what needs addressing at the conference :

What days IS he available for visitations ?? When that is decided then work it out .

 

[stealth2]

Just a few thoughts.... For starters - why should Dad not get every other Christmas Day? Easter break tends to vary yearly - as does the date of Easter. Shouldn't Dad get every other Easter? How about Thanksgiving? Also, in NYS, you may find that distance visitation in the summer - especially without monthly visitation and the age of the child - is going to be more than 3 weeks.

To give you an example (and our divorce was in NYS), our kids go to their Dad's one w/e a month. Most of those w/e's fall on long w/e's from school. Major holidays are alternated - if he gets Tday, I get them from the end of school to 12/26 and he gets them until 1/1. Easter is alternated as are long school breaks. Summer? From the Friday school ends until the w/e before it begins, with the kids coming home one week in July and one in August.

Honestly? The proposed visitation is very skimpy.

As for who will watch her while he works, can his family come get her? She's old enough to be on her own for an hour or so if they can't come get her before he leaves in the am.

 

[snostar]

Here's a suggestion not yet mentioned

You may consider requesting something along these lines:

The mother shall be entitled to request that he (father) submit to a drug/alcohol test within twenty-four hours of her demand. Said demand will be made by the Mother contacting GAL. The GAL will then contact the Father to advise him that he must submit to a drug/alcohol test within 24hrs. Said test may be urine, blood or hair follicle test based upon the Mother’s request. However, should the results be negative, then the Mother will pay 100% of the cost of the test. Should the test be positive, then the Father she’ll pay 100% of the cost of the test.

If the GAL does not wish to be involved or there is not one assigned to your case, a certified letter to the father and court can be another option.

Consider yourself lucky he has agreed to the move, I am currently in a very similar situation as you, but I am on the other end with three years clean and sober. Ex has temp. custody and moved to MA without permission from the court in the middle of a custody trial. There is a VERY good chance that in the very near future the judge will award me custody and my son’s residence be returned to NY with me. You made the right choice by filing in court, I have had a TRO in place since my ex moved because he failed to notify me or the court.

 

[nicolesmom]

Just a few thoughts.... For starters - why should Dad not get every other Christmas Day? Easter break tends to vary yearly - as does the date of Easter. Shouldn't Dad get every other Easter? How about Thanksgiving? Also, in NYS, you may find that distance visitation in the summer - especially without monthly visitation and the age of the child - is going to be more than 3 weeks.

To give you an example (and our divorce was in NYS), our kids go to their Dad's one w/e a month. Most of those w/e's fall on long w/e's from school. Major holidays are alternated - if he gets Tday, I get them from the end of school to 12/26 and he gets them until 1/1. Easter is alternated as are long school breaks. Summer? From the Friday school ends until the w/e before it begins, with the kids coming home one week in July and one in August.

Honestly? The proposed visitation is very skimpy.

As for who will watch her while he works, can his family come get her? She's old enough to be on her own for an hour or so if they can't come get her before he leaves in the am.

I would be more than happy to bring her to NY for as long as my ex-husband would want her (as long as it doesn't interfere with school). In the past, he declined any offer to let her stay for long weekends (Memorial Day, Thanksgiving weekend, Presidents day etc.). He said he has to work (then we find out he has off), he said he needed time for himself. He has had her every Christmas day and Thanksgiving day (I always have a 2nd Thanksgiving and Christmas when she comes home). I would be willing to do the same living in SC.

I think with the feedback, I will ask him when he would like her in the summer (how many weeks), plus every other holiday etc..

His family will not be able to pick her up before work. His brother and sister-in-law both work. They have their mother-in-law living with them and she watches their 3 year old. She offered to watch Nicole too, since she is pretty much self-sufficient and she helps keep the 3 year old occupied. What does your ex do with the children during the summer?

 

[stealth2]

He sends them to camp.

 

[nextwife]

Well, I work full time, and . yes, this costs money, but many school districts, YMCAs, JCCs, Girl and Boy Scouts, etc., offer day camp programs. My child is signed up for a combo of "camp" (incl. Red Cross swim lessons OOD) through our H.S. rec department, day camp elsewhere, sports camp, camp through the Audubon Center etc. Different week, different enrichment opportunities. Takes a bit of research. but there is an abundance of summer full-day, accredited options that offer one's child fun, group activities. Parks departments, nature centers, public museums, art museums, children's museums, sailing centers, sports teams, local universities, churches and synagogs, are examples of the types of places that offer week-at-a time day camp programs. And many have "extended day options" for parents who can't be there at 4 for pick-up.

www.campdepot.com

www.allensguide.com

For my area I found
http://www.wisconline.com/attractions/camps/index.html to be helpful. I'm sure there is an equivilant site for his area.

 

[nicolesmom]

You may consider requesting something along these lines:

The mother shall be entitled to request that he (father) submit to a drug/alcohol test within twenty-four hours of her demand. Said demand will be made by the Mother contacting GAL. The GAL will then contact the Father to advise him that he must submit to a drug/alcohol test within 24hrs. Said test may be urine, blood or hair follicle test based upon the Mother’s request. However, should the results be negative, then the Mother will pay 100% of the cost of the test. Should the test be positive, then the Father she’ll pay 100% of the cost of the test.

If the GAL does not wish to be involved or there is not one assigned to your case, a certified letter to the father and court can be another option.

Consider yourself lucky he has agreed to the move, I am currently in a very similar situation as you, but I am on the other end with three years clean and sober. Ex has temp. custody and moved to MA without permission from the court in the middle of a custody trial. There is a VERY good chance that in the very near future the judge will award me custody and my son’s residence be returned to NY with me. You made the right choice by filing in court, I have had a TRO in place since my ex moved because he failed to notify me or the court.

My exhusband told me and his lawyer that he will not submit himself to any tests or any more treatment. He flat out refuses. So, I am thinking about trusting that he will be clean and sober while she's with him. I don't care what he does when he's alone. (Although I would love for him to straighten himself out). I'm being optomistic that he will. Our daughter worrys about him every day that he won't drink and drive or hurt himself or someone else. I think that is enough for any child to endure. I would never take her out of state without going to court.

 

[nicolesmom]

He sends them to camp.

I should look into how much it would cost for her to go. That may be a solution I didn't think about.

 

[nicolesmom]

Well, I work full time, and . yes, this costs money, but many school districts, YMCAs, JCCs, Girl and Boy Scouts, etc., offer day camp programs. My child is signed up for a combo of "camp" (incl. Red Cross swim lessons OOD) through our H.S. rec department, day camp elsewhere, sports camp, camp through the Audubon Center etc. Different week, different enrichment opportunities. Takes a bit of research. but there is an abundance of summer full-day, accredited options that offer one's child fun, group activities. Parks departments, nature centers, public museums, art museums, children's museums, sailing centers, sports teams, local universities, churches and synagogs, are examples of the types of places that offer week-at-a time day camp programs. And many have "extended day options" for parents who can't be there at 4 for pick-up.

www.campdepot.com

www.allensguide.com

For my area I found
http://www.wisconline.com/attractions/camps/index.html to be helpful. I'm sure there is an equivilant site for his area.

WOW! Thank you! I will look into this!

 

[snostar]

My exhusband told me and his lawyer that he will not submit himself to any tests or any more treatment. He flat out refuses. So, I am thinking about trusting that he will be clean and sober while she's with him.

Did you stop to think WHY he refuses? Did he even complete a treatment program? If not, that would be something else to include in the order. Hell, I'd submit to testing for the rest of my life if that's what it would take to be a part of my children's life. This could be a BIG mistake on your part especially with the very recent acknowledgement of drug use. Active users are in DENIAL and should be required to EARN trust not be handed it, IMO.

 

[BL]

This is the other issue needing to be addressed . While the Court is aware the Father is in relapse , and the GAL states it's not necessary for drug test because he has admitted it,
Where does that leave the parties on deciding " reasonable visitations " and the Father's rights ?

#1 ) The father admits substance abuse ,weather it be alcohol,drugs,or both.
#2) The Father is claiming he has limited means .
# 3) He has refused in the past to take offered visitation time.
Let's not make this complicated.

What is the court's position on the substance abuse ? Probably just a reprimand by the Judge not to use while visitations occur .

If so then Give him the " Normal " visitations schedule. If he utilizes them fine, If not Fine.

Make it part of the Order he is to give you 2 weeks written notice of intent to use his summer visitations and what dates.

Make it part of the order he is to give you 48 hrs prior notice on all other visitation intents.

When and If he cleans up, he may start using the schedule as ordered.

 

[snostar]

When and If he cleans up, he may start using the schedule as ordered.

BL, I agree, but also advise a safety net be in place - I've experience this same situation in NY courts. A mandated treatment program and testing at the mother's request (if he's clean he doesn't have to pay!) could then in fact be proof to the mother and the courts he has cleaned up his act. If he is not willing to agree, then he has reservations of using again.

 

[nicolesmom]

Treatment Program(s)

Did you stop to think WHY he refuses? Did he even complete a treatment program? If not, that would be something else to include in the order. Hell, I'd submit to testing for the rest of my life if that's what it would take to be a part of my children's life. This could be a BIG mistake on your part especially with the very recent acknowledgement of drug use. Active users are in DENIAL and should be required to EARN trust not be handed it, IMO.

He completed several treatment programs. With his 2nd Felony DWI he was ordered to 14 weekends in jail, an outpatient treatment program (which included AA meetings), one on one counseling and 5 years probation (with a $2,000.00 fine). During his probation and treatment he was violated for marijuana use (the test came up positive). With that he was then ordered to be on electronic monitor for 6 months. I quit my job to drive him to work since his license was taken away. The only way his probation officer let him work (he is a house painter and the work locations vary each day) was for me to call her each morning with his location. He had to be home by 5:30pm and could leave 7:30pm to go to his AA meeting (and they also let him leave to go to counseling etc., but, he had to let someone know when his appointments were). I drove him everywhere and our daughter had to come with us since my parents lived out of state and I have no other family. After the monitor was removed, he got into trouble again (this was about 4 years into probation). I thought he was clean and sober and things were going to be OK. One night, he left the house after I went to bed. I was awakened in the middle of the night (2:30am) by my sister-in-law. She said that my husband broke into her house and thought he was home (he was in a blackout). He broke in a window, went to the bathroom and tried to get into bed with her. She told him to go home and she shooed him out the door. I didn't believe her, I thought I was dreaming. I walked into the living room and there he was, stumbling drunk. Our daughter woke up and came into the living room just as he was falling to the ground passed out. She screamed, she thought he was dead. She was only 7 at the time. My sister-in-law told me she wanted to press charges. It told her to please wait till Nicole went to school so she didn't see her father being handcuffed by the police. She went to school and I went to work and left him where he fell that morning. I got a call at work from the state police that they were at my house and no one was answering the door, did I know where my husband was. I told them that he was there and I would be home in a few minutes to let them in. I got home and tried to get in. The door had the chain on. I called in the house and there was no answer. We broke in and found him unconscious on the floor of the bathroom. He tried to hang himself with his shoelaces and it broke, he hit his head. With this he was violated from probation and sent to jail till they decided what to do with him. He was in jail for 1 month and they ordered him to go to a long term treatment facility (2 years). That is when I had enough. I stayed with him for our daughters sake, but, this was just too much. We divorced in 2001 while he was in treatment. He completed the 2 year program and was living in a 1/2 way house, then a 3/4 house. He was on his own in late 2002, completed all programs. I thought he would finally stay clean and sober for his daughter, not to mention for himself. Our daughter would go to his apartment for visits. At 1st everything was great. Then one time he picked her up for the weekend. She fell asleep in the car and he ran in to a convenient store. She called me and told me the next morning that her father had a big beer. She knew he stopped at the store and bought beer, he told her it was soda, it was in a brown paper bag. She wanted some so she went to open the bag and he told her it was warm and needed to be put in the fridge. Anyway, to make a long story short.... she has found, on several occasions, beer, empty cans and paraphernalia (pot) in his apartment. As I stated in my earlier posts, he admitted to drinking and the paraphernalia.

 

[nicolesmom]

This is the other issue needing to be addressed . While the Court is aware the Father is in relapse , and the GAL states it's not necessary for drug test because he has admitted it,
Where does that leave the parties on deciding " reasonable visitations " and the Father's rights ?

#1 ) The father admits substance abuse ,weather it be alcohol,drugs,or both.
#2) The Father is claiming he has limited means .
# 3) He has refused in the past to take offered visitation time.
Let's not make this complicated.

What is the court's position on the substance abuse ? Probably just a reprimand by the Judge not to use while visitations occur .

If so then Give him the " Normal " visitations schedule. If he utilizes them fine, If not Fine.

Make it part of the Order he is to give you 2 weeks written notice of intent to use his summer visitations and what dates.

Make it part of the order he is to give you 48 hrs prior notice on all other visitation intents.

When and If he cleans up, he may start using the schedule as ordered.

As it stands now, he is ordered to be sober 24 hours before he picks our daughter up and during her visits.

 

[snostar]

I'd submit to testing for the rest of my life if that's what it would take to be a part of my children's life! Any addicted parent who would not agree to such a stipulation has a different agenda. END OF STORY!

My "safety net" option was suggested to hopefully limit future problems and unnecessary testing, it covers your concerns and expenses. If he stays sober and you have no reason to request a test- great, he doesn't have to take them.

Take it or leave it.