Love 4 my Son
Junior Member
What is the name of your state?
California
I always told myself I wouldn't have kids, and made a concious effort to make sure that didn't happen until I miscalculated my reboost contraceptive shot. When I became pregnant, I didn't feel any joy nor did I feel remorse. I did take responsibly and did what any other loving parent-to-be would do i.e. prenatal visits, vitamins, classes - I did it all. I made sure my son had everything so both of our transitions will go smoothly. My son's father took the whole thing like it was an episode straight out of Maury Povich; he refused to believe my son was his until a court-ordered paternity confirmed he is the father. He paid child support but he never was really around. As a result, his parents picked up where he left off. They have helped me out extremely with my son. Let me remind you, I never wanted any kids because of how I grew up, my knowledge of what my strenghths and weaknesses, and quite frankly, I'm just not mom material. On the other side of the token, I don't believe in abortion.
I began to feel strangled, if you will, stuck, resentful -almost desperate and guilty because I couldn't provide completely for my son with his development into the little man he is. I felt horrible because I had to work all the time to maintain the roof over our heads, in the meantime, he was beginning to turn into a little tyrant - another reason I didn't want kids because it is proven that kids that come from single-parent homes are more likely to become criminals - then his father's parents decided they were going to move out of state, which made me go temporarily psycho ( I never took it out on my son AND he never witnessed any of my emotional outbursts, I made sure of that ). They suggested or asked if my son could live with them. My son has been living with them for over a year now. In a strange twist, I lost my job shortly after my son left, and so I haven't been able to provide financially as much as I would like to and I can't go visit as much as I would like. To make matters worse, my son's grandparents treat my like a witch. They think I don't care about my son. They think I am selfish. Once his grandfather told me he has been "scoring" me to my son's father. My son's father must be winning because he calls "everyday". I don't feel selfish. I let my son live with them because I LOVE MY SON. He deserves better. He deserves a quality, descent chance at life. He deserves to have a stable male and female role model to look up to. I always reinforce that idea in my son's grandparents mind. I didn't do it because I wanted my bachlorettehood back.
I call all the time and everytime I call and/or send monetary support when I can, I feel more like they hate me, or like I am unwelcomed and unwanted, almost a burden dealing with me. And I am always wrong in their eyes.
I praise the fact that my son has the support and love and attention he needs and deserves. I never questioned nor will I question the grandparent's love for my son.
With all this said, I am considering walking away for good in the hopes that one day I will be able to explain myself if my son comes looking for me. Yes, I feel worthless for thinking of it, but I would feel like dying if my son was adversly affected by the deep animosity his grandparents and I have towards each other.
My son will be 4 in July.
Any advice?
California
I always told myself I wouldn't have kids, and made a concious effort to make sure that didn't happen until I miscalculated my reboost contraceptive shot. When I became pregnant, I didn't feel any joy nor did I feel remorse. I did take responsibly and did what any other loving parent-to-be would do i.e. prenatal visits, vitamins, classes - I did it all. I made sure my son had everything so both of our transitions will go smoothly. My son's father took the whole thing like it was an episode straight out of Maury Povich; he refused to believe my son was his until a court-ordered paternity confirmed he is the father. He paid child support but he never was really around. As a result, his parents picked up where he left off. They have helped me out extremely with my son. Let me remind you, I never wanted any kids because of how I grew up, my knowledge of what my strenghths and weaknesses, and quite frankly, I'm just not mom material. On the other side of the token, I don't believe in abortion.
I began to feel strangled, if you will, stuck, resentful -almost desperate and guilty because I couldn't provide completely for my son with his development into the little man he is. I felt horrible because I had to work all the time to maintain the roof over our heads, in the meantime, he was beginning to turn into a little tyrant - another reason I didn't want kids because it is proven that kids that come from single-parent homes are more likely to become criminals - then his father's parents decided they were going to move out of state, which made me go temporarily psycho ( I never took it out on my son AND he never witnessed any of my emotional outbursts, I made sure of that ). They suggested or asked if my son could live with them. My son has been living with them for over a year now. In a strange twist, I lost my job shortly after my son left, and so I haven't been able to provide financially as much as I would like to and I can't go visit as much as I would like. To make matters worse, my son's grandparents treat my like a witch. They think I don't care about my son. They think I am selfish. Once his grandfather told me he has been "scoring" me to my son's father. My son's father must be winning because he calls "everyday". I don't feel selfish. I let my son live with them because I LOVE MY SON. He deserves better. He deserves a quality, descent chance at life. He deserves to have a stable male and female role model to look up to. I always reinforce that idea in my son's grandparents mind. I didn't do it because I wanted my bachlorettehood back.
I call all the time and everytime I call and/or send monetary support when I can, I feel more like they hate me, or like I am unwelcomed and unwanted, almost a burden dealing with me. And I am always wrong in their eyes.
I praise the fact that my son has the support and love and attention he needs and deserves. I never questioned nor will I question the grandparent's love for my son.
With all this said, I am considering walking away for good in the hopes that one day I will be able to explain myself if my son comes looking for me. Yes, I feel worthless for thinking of it, but I would feel like dying if my son was adversly affected by the deep animosity his grandparents and I have towards each other.
My son will be 4 in July.
Any advice?
