My son's father hasn't been a part of his life and is now trying to come back.

[mommy10]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana

 

[sandyclaus]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana

Ok.

So did you have a specific question about that?

Are there any current orders (support, custody, visitation)? If so, please provide us with the RELEVANT sections (remove names) so we know what we are dealing with, and then tell us what your questions are.

 

[mommy10]

Details

My son is 10 years old. His father left when he was born. I married my now husband when my son was 1 year old. My ex then came back into his life when he was 1 1/2 years old and was granted supervised visitation and then weekend visitation. After about 2 months he decided he didn't want visitation anymore. I have a recorded conversation where he called me and advised, "B**** I don't want him anymore".

8 years went by and I never heard from him again. I didn't go to the court to modify the visitation order because I figured if he was gone, then why open up old wounds. My husband and myself continued to raise our son. I was in the process of filing for step-parent adoption. My husband signed the papers and was waiting for a court date. (You have to run an advertisement for a set period of time) Meanwhile, my ex showed up on my doorstep one day demanding to see our son. I advised him that he didn't know him and that I hadn't told him about him, it was not a good time and he needed to leave. I was angry that he had left him for 8 years and then just decided to walk in like he was supposed to know him. I ended up filing a no trespassing order against him. (He's extremely volatile).

I immediately called an attorney the next day. The attorney told me he was going to file for an emergency modification of the original court order and try to temporarily suspended his parental rights. He told me I would be in front of a judge within 72 hours. I paid the attorney in full and signed the court documents. A few weeks went by and he finally contacted me again and said that a court date was set for November (7 months later). In that 7 months, my ex had attempted suicide, became a suspect in a child molest case (not related to us), and was charged with drug trafficking in which he struck a deal and was given 3 years probation and fines. I went and retrieved copies of all the police reports to take to court with me.

10 mintues prior to entering the courtroom, my attorney advised me that in order for him to fight the visitation he would need $1500 more dollars that day. I told him I didn't have it. He said then I suggest we do mediation and come up with a visitation agreement. I stressed to the attorney that I didn't feel comfortable giving him visitation rights and agreeing to them. I them reiterated the circumstances. He again told me that he'd fight it as long as I paid him another $1500 right there. I cried and said I can't, he said then let's go make an agreement. My attorney and his attorney came back with transition visitation leading to parenting time guidelines. I was numb.

Here it is 7 months into the parenting time guidelines and I have had nothing but problems. My ex calls and threatens me on a daily basis. He is anti-police and my husband is the Chief of Police. So needless to say he despises my husband. He has went as far as telling our son that "all cops should die" "all cops are liars and thieves" He has also banned our son from being allowed to call my husband dad. Which my husband explained to our son that it is ok to have 2 loving dads and that a title doesn't mean anything. My son has came home crying that him and his girlfriend have physical fights in front of him. That they question him with a recorder about what I am doing in my everyday life and if he refuses to answer, they threaten to spank him. My ex told our son that "your mommy is a liar. She kidnapped you and disguised you all these years." (Which is a complete lie, we have lived in the same house since we married.)

The latest ordeal was: I called our son while he was at his house and our son asked to talk to my husband (who he considers his dad) they talked and the conversation was over. Within 2 minutes I received a phone call from my ex. Here's the conversation "Listen here you f***ing B**** if you ever pull a stunt like that again and allow (CW) to talk to my son on the phone I will file for emergency custody and you will never see our son again. CW is not his dad and it is illegal for you to allow him to talk on the phone" I stated that he is his stepdad and I didn't think it was a big deal considering our son asked to speak to him. I then explained that he was being ridiculous. He continued to curse me out and I hung up the phone.

I contacted another attorney and she advised me that there was basically nothing that can be done. That I have to wait a year to have a review hearing and that the time to fight it would have been at the first court hearing. Is there anything else I can do? I want my son to be able to speak to the judge or a child advocate. I don't know how to go about that. The details I give may seem like nothing to someone hearing the story, but I am living this everyday. I hear my son cry. My normally happy, morally strong, son has even told me he wanted to die if he had to go back there. I have even tried to get my ex to understand that this is new to our son and we need to work together, even if he doesn't like me or my husband, but it will be a better experience and life for our son if we can get along for that sake. His reply was "It's not your concern. Don't worry about it."

 

[Zigner]

My son is 10 years old. His father left when he was born. I married my now husband when my son was 1 year old. My ex then came back into his life when he was 1 1/2 years old and was granted supervised visitation and then weekend visitation. After about 2 months he decided he didn't want visitation anymore. I have a recorded conversation where he called me and advised, "B**** I don't want him anymore".

8 years went by and I never heard from him again. I didn't go to the court to modify the visitation order because I figured if he was gone, then why open up old wounds. My husband and myself continued to raise our son. I was in the process of filing for step-parent adoption. My husband signed the papers and was waiting for a court date. (You have to run an advertisement for a set period of time) Meanwhile, my ex showed up on my doorstep one day demanding to see our son. I advised him that he didn't know him and that I hadn't told him about him, it was not a good time and he needed to leave. I was angry that he had left him for 8 years and then just decided to walk in like he was supposed to know him. I ended up filing a no trespassing order against him. (He's extremely volatile).

I immediately called an attorney the next day. The attorney told me he was going to file for an emergency modification of the original court order and try to temporarily suspended his parental rights. He told me I would be in front of a judge within 72 hours. I paid the attorney in full and signed the court documents. A few weeks went by and he finally contacted me again and said that a court date was set for November (7 months later). In that 7 months, my ex had attempted suicide, became a suspect in a child molest case (not related to us), and was charged with drug trafficking in which he struck a deal and was given 3 years probation and fines. I went and retrieved copies of all the police reports to take to court with me.

10 mintues prior to entering the courtroom, my attorney advised me that in order for him to fight the visitation he would need $1500 more dollars that day. I told him I didn't have it. He said then I suggest we do mediation and come up with a visitation agreement. I stressed to the attorney that I didn't feel comfortable giving him visitation rights and agreeing to them. I them reiterated the circumstances. He again told me that he'd fight it as long as I paid him another $1500 right there. I cried and said I can't, he said then let's go make an agreement. My attorney and his attorney came back with transition visitation leading to parenting time guidelines. I was numb.

Here it is 7 months into the parenting time guidelines and I have had nothing but problems. My ex calls and threatens me on a daily basis. He is anti-police and my husband is the Chief of Police. So needless to say he despises my husband. He has went as far as telling our son that "all cops should die" "all cops are liars and thieves" He has also banned our son from being allowed to call my husband dad. Which my husband explained to our son that it is ok to have 2 loving dads and that a title doesn't mean anything. My son has came home crying that him and his girlfriend have physical fights in front of him. That they question him with a recorder about what I am doing in my everyday life and if he refuses to answer, they threaten to spank him. My ex told our son that "your mommy is a liar. She kidnapped you and disguised you all these years." (Which is a complete lie, we have lived in the same house since we married.)

The latest ordeal was: I called our son while he was at his house and our son asked to talk to my husband (who he considers his dad) they talked and the conversation was over. Within 2 minutes I received a phone call from my ex. Here's the conversation "Listen here you f***ing B**** if you ever pull a stunt like that again and allow (CW) to talk to my son on the phone I will file for emergency custody and you will never see our son again. CW is not his dad and it is illegal for you to allow him to talk on the phone" I stated that he is his stepdad and I didn't think it was a big deal considering our son asked to speak to him. I then explained that he was being ridiculous. He continued to curse me out and I hung up the phone.

I contacted another attorney and she advised me that there was basically nothing that can be done. That I have to wait a year to have a review hearing and that the time to fight it would have been at the first court hearing. Is there anything else I can do? I want my son to be able to speak to the judge or a child advocate. I don't know how to go about that. The details I give may seem like nothing to someone hearing the story, but I am living this everyday. I hear my son cry. My normally happy, morally strong, son has even told me he wanted to die if he had to go back there. I have even tried to get my ex to understand that this is new to our son and we need to work together, even if he doesn't like me or my husband, but it will be a better experience and life for our son if we can get along for that sake. His reply was "It's not your concern. Don't worry about it."

Quoted for posterity.

This is an excellent example of why it is a terrible idea to lie to a child about the other parent.

 

[mommy10]

Quoted for posterity.

This is an excellent example of why it is a terrible idea to lie to a child about the other parent.

I didn't lie to my son about the other parent. He was 1 when this happened at first. And as the years went on, I know my child best, and I knew that he wasn't old enough to understand. Did I have every intention of telling him? Absolutely! When he was older! My son never met him except for 2 months when he was 1 year old. So to him he didn't know any different that my husband wasn't his dad. And if my ex was making every attempt to Not see him, then why turn my son's world upside down?

 

[mommy10]

Quoted for posterity.

This is an excellent example of why it is a terrible idea to lie to a child about the other parent.

I am hear to get advice from people who suggest what to do now, not scold for the past. Advice and Suggestions would be considerate.

 

[Ohiogal]

My son is 10 years old. His father left when he was born. I married my now husband when my son was 1 year old. My ex then came back into his life when he was 1 1/2 years old and was granted supervised visitation and then weekend visitation. After about 2 months he decided he didn't want visitation anymore. I have a recorded conversation where he called me and advised, "B**** I don't want him anymore".

He is allowed to change his mind.

8 years went by and I never heard from him again.

Actually you did hear from him again.

I didn't go to the court to modify the visitation order because I figured if he was gone, then why open up old wounds. My husband and myself continued to raise our son. I was in the process of filing for step-parent adoption. My husband signed the papers and was waiting for a court date. (You have to run an advertisement for a set period of time) Meanwhile, my ex showed up on my doorstep one day demanding to see our son. I advised him that he didn't know him and that I hadn't told him about him, it was not a good time and he needed to leave. I was angry that he had left him for 8 years and then just decided to walk in like he was supposed to know him. I ended up filing a no trespassing order against him. (He's extremely volatile).

You filed a no-trespassing against your child's father?

I immediately called an attorney the next day. The attorney told me he was going to file for an emergency modification of the original court order and try to temporarily suspended his parental rights. He told me I would be in front of a judge within 72 hours. I paid the attorney in full and signed the court documents. A few weeks went by and he finally contacted me again and said that a court date was set for November (7 months later). In that 7 months, my ex had attempted suicide, became a suspect in a child molest case (not related to us), and was charged with drug trafficking in which he struck a deal and was given 3 years probation and fines. I went and retrieved copies of all the police reports to take to court with me.

Police reports are NOT admissible.

10 mintues prior to entering the courtroom, my attorney advised me that in order for him to fight the visitation he would need $1500 more dollars that day. I told him I didn't have it. He said then I suggest we do mediation and come up with a visitation agreement. I stressed to the attorney that I didn't feel comfortable giving him visitation rights and agreeing to them. I them reiterated the circumstances. He again told me that he'd fight it as long as I paid him another $1500 right there. I cried and said I can't, he said then let's go make an agreement. My attorney and his attorney came back with transition visitation leading to parenting time guidelines. I was numb.

Then you should not hav agreed. You did.

Here it is 7 months into the parenting time guidelines and I have had nothing but problems. My ex calls and threatens me on a daily basis. He is anti-police and my husband is the Chief of Police. So needless to say he despises my husband. He has went as far as telling our son that "all cops should die" "all cops are liars and thieves" He has also banned our son from being allowed to call my husband dad. Which my husband explained to our son that it is ok to have 2 loving dads and that a title doesn't mean anything.

Actually your husband is wrong. Having your son call a legal stranger dad is a sign of alienation. Your son never should have been lead to believe your husband was his father. Your husband is NOT dad. He is the man married to you and if dad is unhappy with someone else being called dad, he can make a lot of trouble LEGALLY for you and your spouse.

My son has came home crying that him and his girlfriend have physical fights in front of him. That they question him with a recorder about what I am doing in my everyday life and if he refuses to answer, they threaten to spank him. My ex told our son that "your mommy is a liar. She kidnapped you and disguised you all these years." (Which is a complete lie, we have lived in the same house since we married.)

So is your son in counseling?

The latest ordeal was: I called our son while he was at his house and our son asked to talk to my husband (who he considers his dad) they talked and the conversation was over. Within 2 minutes I received a phone call from my ex. Here's the conversation "Listen here you f***ing B**** if you ever pull a stunt like that again and allow (CW) to talk to my son on the phone I will file for emergency custody and you will never see our son again. CW is not his dad and it is illegal for you to allow him to talk on the phone" I stated that he is his stepdad and I didn't think it was a big deal considering our son asked to speak to him. I then explained that he was being ridiculous. He continued to curse me out and I hung up the phone.

While dad totally overreacted, YOU are not behaving properly either.

I contacted another attorney and she advised me that there was basically nothing that can be done. That I have to wait a year to have a review hearing and that the time to fight it would have been at the first court hearing. Is there anything else I can do?

You can get your child in counseling.

I want my son to be able to speak to the judge or a child advocate. I don't know how to go about that. The details I give may seem like nothing to someone hearing the story, but I am living this everyday. I hear my son cry. My normally happy, morally strong, son has even told me he wanted to die if he had to go back there. I have even tried to get my ex to understand that this is new to our son and we need to work together, even if he doesn't like me or my husband, but it will be a better experience and life for our son if we can get along for that sake. His reply was "It's not your concern. Don't worry about it."

Maybe if you hadn't lied to your son about who his dad was and is, you wouldn't have this situation. You are partially to blame for this situation due to the fact that you lead your son to believe your husband was his dad. Get your son into counseling.

 

[Ohiogal]

I am hear to get advice from people who suggest what to do now, not scold for the past. Advice and Suggestions would be considerate.

Get your child into counseling and realize that YOU are to blame for a lot of this by lying to your child about a very fundamental thing -- his parentage. Because of YOUR choices, your son is having issues. Dad is also to blame (dad meaning the man you had sex with who impregnated you so that you bore your son and not the man you currently have sex with) but you need to own your responsibility which you don't seem like you are doing. You are still trying to marginalize the child's father by having your current husband be that person. Sorry but no. Get your child into counseling.

 

[Ohiogal]

I didn't lie to my son about the other parent. He was 1 when this happened at first. And as the years went on, I know my child best, and I knew that he wasn't old enough to understand. Did I have every intention of telling him? Absolutely! When he was older! My son never met him except for 2 months when he was 1 year old. So to him he didn't know any different that my husband wasn't his dad. And if my ex was making every attempt to Not see him, then why turn my son's world upside down?

YOU DID LIE. You let your son think your husband was dad. You could have corrected him in age appropriate ways. Many children at the age of 2 and 3 know who dad and mom are as opposed to who other people are. You lied and continued lying. Now your son's world is upside down because of YOUR LIES. Good grief. Are you just stupid or are you really trying to justify this as none of it is your fault? Because, IT IS YOUR FAULT FOR LYING TO YOUR SON about who his dad is.

You know your child so well that now he wants to die because of the situation that you helped create? how well did you know him that you knew this was going to happen? And if you knew him that well and knew he would react this way, why would you want that? And if you didn't know that he would react this way, well guess what? You didn't know him that well to decide that LYING TO HIM was the best idea.

 

[mommy10]

I just want to clarify a few things. I never told my son that my husband was his dad. I never forced my son to believe that my husband was his father. And I never tried to manipulate him into thinking that we were a happily married couple who conceived him. My husband has 2 daughters and as my son grew up, he heard them call him dad and he was 1 when we married so he just called him that. There was no other father figure in his life. Was I suppose to say "No you can't call him that." ? I come from a family that blood doesn't make you someone's parent.

And I want to clarify that since the court dates. I have accepted that my ex is back and has changed his mind. But I have also put aside my differences with his choices for my son's sake. He is unable to do the same.

I'll also add that he has 2 other children. 1 of which he signed over his rights when she was 4 and the other he has nothing to do with as well. (as of right now, but he does seem to change his mind) As far as you stating he has the right to change his mind. Just one question: If he chooses to change his mind again, now that my son does know him, is it fair for me to have to explain to my son why his dad once again "changed his mind."

Yes I filed a no trespassing order against him. When I was pregnant for my son, he was hostile and physically violent. 4 weeks after he was given the first visitation he showed up at my house and I was trying to keep peace, and let him in my home and he locked himself and my baby in the bathroom and refused to come out until the police arrived. So yes, I filed a no trespass order.

 

[LdiJ]

Seriously....the very best thing that you can do for your son is to get him into counseling. Not only will counseling help to give him coping skills, but a counselor is a mandated reporter if bad things are going on in dad's house.

I am also sorry that you had such a horrendous attorney that he gave you no warning at all about needing more money to properly handle the case in court. That is truly appalling.

 

[mommy10]

YOU DID LIE. You let your son think your husband was dad. You could have corrected him in age appropriate ways. Many children at the age of 2 and 3 know who dad and mom are as opposed to who other people are. You lied and continued lying. Now your son's world is upside down because of YOUR LIES. Good grief. Are you just stupid or are you really trying to justify this as none of it is your fault? Because, IT IS YOUR FAULT FOR LYING TO YOUR SON about who his dad is.

You know your child so well that now he wants to die because of the situation that you helped create? how well did you know him that you knew this was going to happen? And if you knew him that well and knew he would react this way, why would you want that? And if you didn't know that he would react this way, well guess what? You didn't know him that well to decide that LYING TO HIM was the best idea.

I am not trying to justify anything. I am not trying to decipher the past. I have replayed the past 10 years in my head and think to myself daily, how things would have turned out had I done several things different. Did I know my child so well that he would react that way? Absolutely. But his dad was gone and gone for several years. Did I think his dad was going to just reappear one day? NO! His last conversation was that he didn't want him anymore. So why would I believe he was coming back? His actions didn't appear to be the ones of a father who was going to stick around. He left for 8 years! Had the step parent adoption made it to the courts and he chose not to appear or contest it, then my son calling my husband dad wouldn't be a big issue, so why is it now?? Thanks for you advice and suggestions towards what I could/should have done and what I shouldn't have done and not towards my situation currently and my son. Thought this was a better forum. I appreciate the criticism. And I hope you are never in this situation. One day we all have to answer to a higher power, and there with him ridiculousness can't be manipulated.

 

[mommy10]

Seriously....the very best thing that you can do for your son is to get him into counseling. Not only will counseling help to give him coping skills, but a counselor is a mandated reporter if bad things are going on in dad's house.

I am also sorry that you had such a horrendous attorney that he gave you no warning at all about needing more money to properly handle the case in court. That is truly appalling.

Thank you. That was my main question on this topic, not to be badgered by my past mistakes as well.

 

[Zigner]

Had the step parent adoption made it to the courts and he chose not to appear or contest it, then my son calling my husband dad wouldn't be a big issue, so why is it now??

Because it didn't.

 

[Ohiogal]

I just want to clarify a few things. I never told my son that my husband was his dad. I never forced my son to believe that my husband was his father.

You just lied by omission.

And I never tried to manipulate him into thinking that we were a happily married couple who conceived him. My husband has 2 daughters and as my son grew up, he heard them call him dad and he was 1 when we married so he just called him that. There was no other father figure in his life. Was I suppose to say "No you can't call him that." ? I come from a family that blood doesn't make you someone's parent.

Yeah but you know who your mom and dad are, right? You could have told your son the truth -- he isn't your dad but I am glad you love him like a dad. he is your step dad. That is what you could have said, but it was so much better just to keep quiet and lie by omission.

And I want to clarify that since the court dates. I have accepted that my ex is back and has changed his mind. But I have also put aside my differences with his choices for my son's sake. He is unable to do the same.

Really? Doesn't seem like you have.

I'll also add that he has 2 other children. 1 of which he signed over his rights when she was 4 and the other he has nothing to do with as well. (as of right now, but he does seem to change his mind) As far as you stating he has the right to change his mind. Just one question: If he chooses to change his mind again, now that my son does know him, is it fair for me to have to explain to my son why his dad once again "changed his mind."

He has two other children? So when you were having sex with him, how many children did he have? When did he "sign over his rights" to the one child?
Fair isn't what it is about. That is one of the roles/jobs of the custodial parent. Non custodial parents have rights and custodial parents have the obligations of parents.

Yes I filed a no trespassing order against him. When I was pregnant for my son, he was hostile and physically violent. 4 weeks after he was given the first visitation he showed up at my house and I was trying to keep peace, and let him in my home and he locked himself and my baby in the bathroom and refused to come out until the police arrived. So yes, I filed a no trespass order.

Now you are adding things to the story. So have you called to get your son in counseling.