My son's father hasn't been a part of his life and is now trying to come back.

[Ohiogal]

I am not trying to justify anything. I am not trying to decipher the past. I have replayed the past 10 years in my head and think to myself daily, how things would have turned out had I done several things different. Did I know my child so well that he would react that way? Absolutely.

So you knew -- based on the above -- he would want to die and yet you STILL allowed him to live a lie and didn't prepare him with the true. That makes you a stupid, abusive parent. Congrats.

But his dad was gone and gone for several years. Did I think his dad was going to just reappear one day? NO! His last conversation was that he didn't want him anymore. So why would I believe he was coming back? His actions didn't appear to be the ones of a father who was going to stick around. He left for 8 years!

And for 8 years you went merrily ahead living a lie.

Had the step parent adoption made it to the courts and he chose not to appear or contest it, then my son calling my husband dad wouldn't be a big issue, so why is it now?? Thanks for you advice and suggestions towards what I could/should have done and what I shouldn't have done and not towards my situation currently and my son. Thought this was a better forum. I appreciate the criticism. And I hope you are never in this situation. One day we all have to answer to a higher power, and there with him ridiculousness can't be manipulated.

I told you -- GET YOUR CHILD IN COUNSELING. Your lack of ability to read and comprehend is on you.Oh and I will never be in your situation because I have never let my children believe that someone I sleep with is their father and they are not. In fact, I have never let my children call someone I sleep with dad unless he is actually their father. In other words, I don't lie to my children about that like you so I won't be in that situation. Others might mislead their children or allow their children to call non-parents "mom" or "dad" so maybe they will know what it is like to be a liar and cause their children emotional problems or have their children want to die because of their lies.

 

[stealth2]

At the end of the day, OP, you made a huge mistake. That is what it is. And it can't be changed now. What CAN be changed is how you help your son now. His father is back in the picture. Period. What your son needs NOW is someone to help him work through it. And that someone probably should not be you or his stepfather. You can both play supporting roles. obut he really needs an uninvolved party to help him sort this all out. Someone who he can rail to about the mistakes you made, and how he feels about that. Someone he can vent to about his father and how he walked away and then turned his life around. And, should his father walk away again? Someone who can help him through that as well.

Seriously - that is the BEST thing you can do. Because his father WILL get to be a part of his life if he so chooses.

 

[nextwife]

I am not trying to justify anything. I am not trying to decipher the past. I have replayed the past 10 years in my head and think to myself daily, how things would have turned out had I done several things different. Did I know my child so well that he would react that way? Absolutely. But his dad was gone and gone for several years. Did I think his dad was going to just reappear one day? NO! His last conversation was that he didn't want him anymore. So why would I believe he was coming back? His actions didn't appear to be the ones of a father who was going to stick around. He left for 8 years! Had the step parent adoption made it to the courts and he chose not to appear or contest it, then my son calling my husband dad wouldn't be a big issue, so why is it now?? Thanks for you advice and suggestions towards what I could/should have done and what I shouldn't have done and not towards my situation currently and my son. Thought this was a better forum. I appreciate the criticism. And I hope you are never in this situation. One day we all have to answer to a higher power, and there with him ridiculousness can't be manipulated.

What does that have to do with lying to a child about who is their biological parent? Heck, my husband and I are our child's LEGAL and only parents. WE are not merely married to our daughter's other parent- we ARE the legal parents. Her bioparents are not likely to EVER walk into her life) they even live across the Atlantic, very far away), yet, we'd never, ever consider lying to her and allowing her to believe us to be her BIOLOGICAL parents. Why should she NOT know that it's ok to be raised by people who love her but are not her DNA providers?

Whatever failings a child's bioparent may have is unrelated to a child's RIGHT to know the truth about who is their bioparent! This should NEVER be something that is lied about, even when one IS the LEGAL parent.

It is incredibly unfair to one's child to deny their right to ALWAYS know the truth about their bioparentage. NO acts of the bioparent justify witholding such a fundamental piece of information.