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mystified by visitation

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max221

Junior Member
What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?IL

I was divorced 7 years ago, and I'm the non-custodial parent (with joint legal custody) of two children 13 and 11. I'm supposed to see them every other weekend, though this frequently does not happen. But when I do see them, well, here's a typical weekend with me (note that I live about one hour from where my kids live):

Pick them up Saturday 9:00 a.m. Daughter has school-related activity (optional activity) that she has planned to attend until 4 p.m.; she then has a choir at 5:00 p.m., and a sleep-over that has been construed as having something to do with school. Son is free Saturday (as of what I have been told by their mother today--it changes from day to day...).

Sunday: Daughter has Sunday school from 9:15 a.m.-2:30 p.m. Son has Sunday school from 9:15 a.m.-12:00 p.m., piano lesson from 1:00 p.m.-1:30 p.m., and a music class party from 2:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. Kids are due back at their mother's at 7:00 p.m.

Okay. So we're in post-divorce mediation hell. The mediator maintains that this is what I should expect from visitation and that sitting with them on the expressway is good parenting, and all I should expect. He suggested that it's ridiculous for me to imagine that I should spend more of the weekend hours with them, and my idea that we would sit around playing Scrabble (they like this) is unrealistic.

Am I completely out of touch with reality? (I don't mind being criticized...) I think the mediator is way off base, and it seems to me that he is trying to impose his values on me. All I really want to do is spend time alone with my kids without interference--I want them to be able to learn who I am, and for me to know them. I want them to feel free to talk with me about whatever is on their minds--whether important or not--and to trust that I won't judge them. I want them to experience that they are loved without my affections being wrapped in a box with a bow. Is this so novel?
 


king sol

Member
Every parent wants that! Spouses want that with their partners.

Reality is that "visitation" with your child is not a special event. You are the parent, life is full of activities and getting involved and supporting your child's recreational activities is what parents do!

Consider the parent that only has visitation on school days. School for 6 hours, homework, dinner and a bath.....not much one on one time.

Too many NCP want to be the "Chuckie Cheese" parent, all the fun and none of the work.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Max... it is completely your decision how to spend your visitation time (unless it is specified in your orders that you are required to take them to activities you have not consented to). You are permitted to parent your children and tell them that THIS weekend you have made other plans for the three of you and that's the end of the story.

I'm a CP, and my kids have a lot of activities - on weekends as well as during the week. And yes, there are times when I make a unilateral decision that *this* weekend we have other things planned. If there's something taht they really want to do on their Dad's weekend, I do my best to facilitate a switch of weekends, but if he says no - it's no.
 

BelizeBreeze

Senior Member
Okay. So we're in post-divorce mediation hell. The mediator maintains that this is what I should expect from visitation and that sitting with them on the expressway is good parenting, and all I should expect. He suggested that it's ridiculous for me to imagine that I should spend more of the weekend hours with them, and my idea that we would sit around playing Scrabble (they like this) is unrealistic.
Tell this mediator that if this is his idea of quality time parenting then mediation is over.
 
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nextwife

Senior Member
I lived in an intact family, and even then, my folks did not let me decide if I was going to spend time doing a "family thing" when maybe I would have chosen some kid event with friends. As a kid, I didn't get to choose all the time, I only got to choose with parental approval. AND, if I had a family obligation THAT came first.

You need to put your foot down. It's an hour away. This is their time with you. Kids need to learn that they don't just get to take, take, take from parents. They need to give a bit of themselves, too. And sometimes that means giving up some or another event with friends.
 

BelizeBreeze

Senior Member
TLWE said:
You should have thrown a fly swat in there occasionally for variety! :D
Not when it was the old mesh wire variety with stitched webbing on the borders (you know, the REALLY old ones) Those damn things HURT.
 

TLWE

Member
BelizeBreeze said:
Not when it was the old mesh wire variety with stitched webbing on the borders (you know, the REALLY old ones) Those damn things HURT.

Ahhhhhh...but seriously effective!
 

king sol

Member
So DAD-

Everyone, except the mediator, is suggesting you call the shots.

So...What are you planning to cut out of your child's life?
Sunday School?​
School Activities?​
Piano? Sports?​

"Let's play scrabble!!"
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
king sol said:
So DAD-

Everyone, except the mediator, is suggesting you call the shots.

So...What are you planning to cut out of your child's life?
Sunday School?​
School Activities?​
Piano? Sports?​

"Let's play scrabble!!"

So solly - what's YOUR experience as a parent, single or otherwise?
 
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max221

Junior Member
Wow.

Thanks for all the advice. I think round-three with the mediator is going to be a free-for-all. What fun... Did I mention that I don't like conflict or confrontation? LOL.

Thanks again.
 
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