navy ex/live in cali, want to move to ga

[lyfsayvur]

What is the name of your state? California

O.k. so here's the deal, my ex and I have a 69/31 % custody arrangement in my favor. Current parenting plan calls for him to have our 7 year old daughter 3 weekends a month during the school year. In the summer, the agreement flips with me having 3 weekends. He is active Navy currently on shore duty, in San Diegor but is up for orders in November. I live in Los Angeles. He is remarried and has a 2yr old son. I am currently dating a wonderful man and we will be getting married. Our hope is to move to Georgia where we can live on his paramedic salary and I can be a stay at home mom. My ex and I are both originally from California, so it's not like I'm moving back home. Ex is a so/so father. I know he loves her, but is too self involved. Most weekends my daughter stays at the house with stepmom and brother while dad dirtbikes/surfs/skiis/plays poker/you name it. (This according to our daughter) She even tells me he is lazy. This is not info she gets from me, I don't talk down about her dad to her or near her. So that leads me to several questions....Because our daughter is becoming more social, she gets upset that she can't participate in any extra-curricular activities (ballet, soccer, etc.) because it would cut into "dad's time". I would like to ammend the parenting plant to allow more weekends with me at home. The only problem with this is that if we go to court to ammend the agreement and I am denied, when I want to move, it will look like I am trying to be vindictive.

1. How do I proceed?

 

[djohnson]

You have a tough road. Getting permission to move and show it is in the childs best interest to take her away from all her family, dad, brother etc... but you, is going to be very difficult itself. It will look vindictive if you do it immediately after already asking for more time. I really don't think you have a chance of getting his time reduced anyway. He already has her less than you and takes that time. Why would you want to lesson that? The judge will have problems with that. As for other activities, talk to dad and/or SM and see if it can't be worked out that they take her to practice or games or such sometimes to, or if you can swap out different days or times to accomadate that.

 

[stealth2]

How about asking Dad if he'd sign her up for activities in his area - then she'd be able to make all but the one when she's with you.

 

[Zephyr]

What is in GA to draw you there? new hubby's family? there has to be SOMEWHERE closer to CA than GA that has a lower cost of living than CA. Dad is using his visitation, a judge, especially a CA judge is not going to let that child go.

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state? California

O.k. so here's the deal, my ex and I have a 69/31 % custody arrangement in my favor. Current parenting plan calls for him to have our 7 year old daughter 3 weekends a month during the school year. In the summer, the agreement flips with me having 3 weekends. He is active Navy currently on shore duty, in San Diegor but is up for orders in November. I live in Los Angeles. He is remarried and has a 2yr old son. I am currently dating a wonderful man and we will be getting married. Our hope is to move to Georgia where we can live on his paramedic salary and I can be a stay at home mom. My ex and I are both originally from California, so it's not like I'm moving back home. Ex is a so/so father. I know he loves her, but is too self involved. Most weekends my daughter stays at the house with stepmom and brother while dad dirtbikes/surfs/skiis/plays poker/you name it. (This according to our daughter) She even tells me he is lazy. This is not info she gets from me, I don't talk down about her dad to her or near her. So that leads me to several questions....Because our daughter is becoming more social, she gets upset that she can't participate in any extra-curricular activities (ballet, soccer, etc.) because it would cut into "dad's time". I would like to ammend the parenting plant to allow more weekends with me at home. The only problem with this is that if we go to court to ammend the agreement and I am denied, when I want to move, it will look like I am trying to be vindictive.

1. How do I proceed?

CA judges DO NOT like to allow parents to move children out of the state and away from the other parent. You would have to prove it was in the best interest of the child (not Yourself).

CA judges also DO NOT like to decrease parenting time. What dad does during his time & whom he designates to care for the child is of no consequence (Unless the child is being abused or you have a Right of First Refusal clause in your court order).

You need to petition the courts for permission to move away. Your best chance is wait til November when the X gets re-stationed, and IF he is stationed outside of CA- THEN petition the courts for permission to move.

 

[lyfsayvur]

I do have the right of first refusal if he is going to be gone for more than 24 hours. But he violated that in 2002 and i did nothing. He has also recently "threatened" to take me to court over the 24 hour rule because he feels that when he is deployed or underway, that our daughter should still go down to San Diego to stay with his wife. He has a pattern of doing what he wants and then telling me to buzz off. He is supposed to notify me if he plans to take our daughter out of state (ie for x-mas vacation) and he didn't until 2 days before. I reminded him that he is supposed to tell me if he's taking her out of state and that I could call the police and they wouldn't let her go. He said "I dare you, you f*@#ing b@*&". I have been very accomodating. I even let her go down to stay with him for a few months before she started school/he shipped out, and it wasn't his scheduled time. He however has been nothing but a bully. What a surprise! I should have known considering the fact that he was arrested for domestic violence. He's nice until he doesn't get his way, then he's hostile.....

 

[djohnson]

I know it's hard to get a full grasp of every situation on these boards. However, I do want to say that you do not come across as accomodating. You come across as nitpicking, selfish, and trying to keep the child away from him. Whether it is that way or not is hard to say, but if a judge sees what I see here, you will be very surprised at what happens.

 

[lyfsayvur]

You are right that it is very hard to grasp the whole situation. Unfortunately it does come across as nitpicky and selfish because I feel that I now have to play "hard ball". For the past 5 years I have been accomodating, I have let him take her several times when it was not his "time", I have allowed him to tell me that what our daughter wants is not important (birthday parties, etc.). I was forced to pay our daughters full tuition for private school ($5000/yr.) because we discussed it, he agreed (I didn't get it in writing), I registered her, then 2 months before she was to start, he said he didn't want to have to pay and that he wanted her in public school (the worst school district in the county) and then took me to court to try to get full custody. Because the hearing was mid-September, our daughter started school at the mutually agreed upon private school and the judge said that I had to pay it all myself, because I can't force a financial burden on him. So what did he do? He went and purchased a brand new street bike to add to his new truck/dirt bike collection. Meanwhile, I am living with my mother because I can't afford to move out. His wife manipulated our daughter....when she got pregnant she said that our daughter "had" to call her Mommy so that when the baby came he wouldn't get confused. Our daughter can't take baths down at her dads (which she loves) because step-mom says it doesn't get her clean enough. She can't use certain towels because they are the babies towels, she has to brush her teeth a certain way and she has to stay in her bedroom and read all afternoon while step-mom, dad and baby hang out in the living room. I allowed our daughter to go down to dad's in april-june 2002 because he said he was going to be underway in july, only to find out that one of the weeks he was underway and I was never told, our daughter stayed with step-mom. So yes, I may look nitpicky, but not selfish. Everything that I do is for our daughter. I feel like I need to protect her from a manipulative step-mother and selfish father that ignores her. He even admitted it to our daughter's pychologist! I'm fed up!

 

[djohnson]

If it's his time, then what harm is in letting her still stay with SM or grandparents and let her visit his family. I still think you acting selfish. She is his child too.

 

[LdiJ]

You are right that it is very hard to grasp the whole situation. Unfortunately it does come across as nitpicky and selfish because I feel that I now have to play "hard ball". For the past 5 years I have been accomodating, I have let him take her several times when it was not his "time", I have allowed him to tell me that what our daughter wants is not important (birthday parties, etc.). I was forced to pay our daughters full tuition for private school ($5000/yr.) because we discussed it, he agreed (I didn't get it in writing), I registered her, then 2 months before she was to start, he said he didn't want to have to pay and that he wanted her in public school (the worst school district in the county) and then took me to court to try to get full custody. Because the hearing was mid-September, our daughter started school at the mutually agreed upon private school and the judge said that I had to pay it all myself, because I can't force a financial burden on him. So what did he do? He went and purchased a brand new street bike to add to his new truck/dirt bike collection. Meanwhile, I am living with my mother because I can't afford to move out. His wife manipulated our daughter....when she got pregnant she said that our daughter "had" to call her Mommy so that when the baby came he wouldn't get confused. Our daughter can't take baths down at her dads (which she loves) because step-mom says it doesn't get her clean enough. She can't use certain towels because they are the babies towels, she has to brush her teeth a certain way and she has to stay in her bedroom and read all afternoon while step-mom, dad and baby hang out in the living room. I allowed our daughter to go down to dad's in april-june 2002 because he said he was going to be underway in july, only to find out that one of the weeks he was underway and I was never told, our daughter stayed with step-mom. So yes, I may look nitpicky, but not selfish. Everything that I do is for our daughter. I feel like I need to protect her from a manipulative step-mother and selfish father that ignores her. He even admitted it to our daughter's pychologist! I'm fed up!

You have two totally different issues to deal with here.

Once dad deploys then LEGALLY your child remains with you because you have right of first refusal. No matter what anyone else says that is the fact of the matter unless your orders get changed.

Your second issue is that you wish to move with your child to GA. That one is going to be extremely tough. CA does not make it easy to move out of state with your child.

 

[lyfsayvur]

I just got an e-mail from him. He says that he has to pick orders next month and that the pickings are slim...nothing for San Diego. I asked him where there were openings and that we could work something out. I told him I might be interested in a change of scenery. No reply yet. Jacksonville, FL navy base is only 4 hours away from area in Georgia I am interested in...1 hour more than current situation. Crossing my fingers....

 

[Zephyr]

that would be excellent if the move worked for both of you!!!