NCP lives with a proven unfit parent

[Zephyr]

I know for a fact that the reason that she doesn't have custody of her children is because she was proven unfit. During our "friendship", she has been back to court no less than 5 times trying to regain custody of her children. She and I had been "friends" for 9 years...until she and my stbx started messing around with eachother.
Stbx just sat in his truck and didn't say a word and offered NO help at all when I was trying to get our daughter to go with him.
Our 11 year old daughter backs up her sisters claims of being mistreated when they are with their dad.
There is no set visitation schedule, only "reasonable visitation".
My problem still remains though, HOW does one force a 13 yr old child in a vehicle to go with their dad???
Do I call the police and see if they can make her go? Right now, that's the only idea that I can come up with!

You say you know for a fact that she was proven unfit, but first you said "I have no idea what she did to be proven unfit, but I do know that it takes an awful lot to take children from their mother."


You need to realize that just because a mother does not have custody does not mean she is unfit.....or do you also think your ex is unfit because he does not have custody?


As far as how to make her go...have you told her that if she does not she will be grounded?

 

[casa]

For 9 years you were friends with the woman (even going to court to 'help' her try to regain custody of her children)....and now that she's sleeping with your X, you are suddenly worried about your children being around her????

 

[CJane]

You need to realize that just because a mother does not have custody does not mean she is unfit

YUH HUH! NCP Mom = Unfit, drug addicted, slutty b*tch. NCP Dad = poor sap who got screwed by the system.

 

[ceara19]

YUH HUH! NCP Mom = Unfit, drug addicted, slutty b*tch. NCP Dad = poor sap who got screwed by the system.

She was probably prostituting the kids in exchange for the drugs too!

 

[ICUB4ER]

Yes, we were "friends" for 9 years. NO, I did not take my children around her hardly at all in those 9 years.
I met her when I was volunteering as an EMT and also as a CASA volunteer. She was an exotic dancer and paid escort at the time we met.
We met when EMS was called to her home for a domestic violence victim. As I did will all of my patients, I chatted with her and got to know her a little on the way to the E.R.
She said she didn't have a "friend in the world", and I thought "why not", I'll see what comes out of this.
We got together quite a bit and talked and she finally told me that she had lost custody of her children, but refused to tell me how she was found to be unfit.
THAT conversation is what made me keep my children away from her as much as possible, you never know who you can trust.
Yes, my children did meet her on occassion when she would show up at our home, but they were never left alone with her at any time. I tried to keep all of our meetings either at her home or in a public place.
The more we got to know each other, the more it seemed to me that she was sincere in changing her lifestyle to help get her children back. She did stop dancing and actually enrolled in Paramedic classes.
The kicker is that she was not only kicked out of the classes at one school, she was kicked out of classes at THREE different schools for propositioning classmates. Old habits die hard I guess.
Looking back now, I SHOULD have seen what was going on right under my nose, but I guess I just didn't want to believe that my stbx was doing anything but being a friend to her. After all, we were both trying to help her get her life back on track.

As far as our daughter, yes, she was grounded for the weekend. She chose not to go with her dad and have fun with him, therefore she had no fun at home either. No phone, friends, t.v., or games. We cleaned house all weekend, washing walls and painting mostly.

 

[casa]

Yes, we were "friends" for 9 years. NO, I did not take my children around her hardly at all in those 9 years.
I met her when I was volunteering as an EMT and also as a CASA volunteer. She was an exotic dancer and paid escort at the time we met.
We met when EMS was called to her home for a domestic violence victim. As I did will all of my patients, I chatted with her and got to know her a little on the way to the E.R.
She said she didn't have a "friend in the world", and I thought "why not", I'll see what comes out of this.
We got together quite a bit and talked and she finally told me that she had lost custody of her children, but refused to tell me how she was found to be unfit.
THAT conversation is what made me keep my children away from her as much as possible, you never know who you can trust.
Yes, my children did meet her on occassion when she would show up at our home, but they were never left alone with her at any time. I tried to keep all of our meetings either at her home or in a public place.
The more we got to know each other, the more it seemed to me that she was sincere in changing her lifestyle to help get her children back. She did stop dancing and actually enrolled in Paramedic classes.
The kicker is that she was not only kicked out of the classes at one school, she was kicked out of classes at THREE different schools for propositioning classmates. Old habits die hard I guess.
Looking back now, I SHOULD have seen what was going on right under my nose, but I guess I just didn't want to believe that my stbx was doing anything but being a friend to her. After all, we were both trying to help her get her life back on track.

As far as our daughter, yes, she was grounded for the weekend. She chose not to go with her dad and have fun with him, therefore she had no fun at home either. No phone, friends, t.v., or games. We cleaned house all weekend, washing walls and painting mostly.

You could consider asking Dad to be part of family counseling...13 years old is a difficult age in the best of situations. It would only help both households to address the issues with the daughter & come up with some sort of behavior contract. It also can't hurt to educate your daughter on why you have a court order & what that means...maybe some online definitions and/or consequences of contempt? Since your verbiage is so vague, it is unlikely you'd actually face a contempt issue-but it also does nothing to help your side when it gets before a judge. Soon there will be a visitation guideline which has assigned days/times & then you WILL be in contempt if she doesn't go.

At 13, it only helps to reinforce to daughter why the adults make the decisions, etc. As far as Dad not helping to get her on visitations...how about sending the kids out to Dad & sitting there with the door shut behind you? Where is she going to go? She can't go back inside- and then her Dad is sitting there waiting for her...

Unless you can prove g/f is a danger to your children~ it's unlikely you'll be granted a request that she not be around the children. You don't know if she just lost a custody battle (which even good parents can do), or if she lost custody because she was legally 'unfit', or if her Rights were Terminated...or any of the specifics. ie; Is she allowed around children at all?

Last thing is that you can ask for a co-habitation clause, and be aware that you'd have to follow the same clause. I personally don't like them, because they are too easy to get around if you're a jerk...and they're too easy to use as harassment if you're a jerk.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

I guess you should have kept your best friend away from your husband as well.
You have an attorney, why haven't you asked them about this, first you were upset because he didn't want to visit now because he does.

 

[thefid]

It looks like for the question at hand, it is irrelevant who is or isn't fit to be a parent. The courts have mandated time with each parent and must be upheld or risk losing (or ever getting) custodial rights altogether. Looks like the police option is out the window… too risky.

It seems that the underscoring question still remains as to how to convince the child to go with the other parent, especially since we really have no other choice. If we do not insist, we get in trouble with the law, but if something bad happens, we feel guilty for (in a sense) insisting it to happen. Bottom line, it needs to be worked out in court. If it cannot be changed in court we must sit back and wait until something happens that will allow us to make the change. Hmm, doesn’t sound like the best situation, however I guess it gives me some comfort that our system is better than most other countries.

Since my ex is a fit parent, yet not very bright when it comes to the kid’s emotional needs, I am not too worried about their immediate care. Yet I do see them increasingly express a desire to spend more time with me as they have started to identify this issue with their mother. After reading this thread, it looks like what I have been doing is the best thing so far… as I had to carry my oldest out to her car a couple weeks ago. Also, I have minimized this increasing desire by informing them that it is going to take time to resolve this issue with the courts and to be patient. (Of course I do have a little time to work on it before they are 13) However, I have ommitted the possibility that they might be 18 when it is resolved… by age, not by decree. I have also been sitting them each down and having heart to heart talks with them. I have let them open up without any fear of anger or reprisals from me. It seems to be the best time to open up to them as well and inform them that it isn't my choice either, but must be obeyed. They seem to listen better to me after they feel I listened to them.

My two cents worth… Sit down and discuss it with them. Be open, honest, sincere and find out what is bothering them. If their attitude does not let up, then sit them down again and repeat the questions.

Good luck!