NCPs housing situation - uncomfortable with it

[basylica]

I’m in Texas -


My ex and I have a pretty rocky relationship that is atleast 80% his fault. Been divorced 10yrs.
I have 2 sons (10 and 13) who live with me most of the time.
Custody was originally standard expanded (thurs-mon on 1st, 3rd, 5th) and thurs overnight on the other weeks.
Custody has been reduced to standard at this point because my ex couldn’t get kids to school on time (12 tardies before dec 1st!) so now he has Thursday dinners (5-7:30) and Friday-Sunday on his weekends. Plus a month in summer and holidays of course.
Here is my concern at this point. My ex moved in with his parents when we separated and TBH I would be concerned for kids safety if he lived alone. Ex is a slob to say nicely. He considered showering once every 2 weeks and not wearing deodorant in 100 degree weather at 350lbs totally fine.
Anyway, last 10yrs he’s lived with his parents. They have a 4bdrom home. His 33yr old sister has never left home, so she lives there too.
My kids tell me that one of the bedrooms is/has always been an “office” for whatever reason.
Now my ex’s 38yr old sister was fired and moving in with her 11yr old son.
If you’ve lost count that is 5 adults and 3 kids in 3 bedrooms.
My kids share a room with my ex, and the room barely holds a queen sized bed.
Meanwhile I have a 3bedroom, 2 living area home and each kid has their own bedroom.
I grew up with 5 siblings, and my kids shared a room until this summer by choice, but I am having an issue with the living situation going on with my ex’s residence at this point.
I’m not real wild about taking him to court and wasting money again since even when he’s waaaaayyy in the wrong it costs me good money. Is there any sort of laws about this level of crowding ? Some whistle I can blow?
Or am I overreacting?

 

[LdiJ]

I’m in Texas -


My ex and I have a pretty rocky relationship that is atleast 80% his fault. Been divorced 10yrs.
I have 2 sons (10 and 13) who live with me most of the time.
Custody was originally standard expanded (thurs-mon on 1st, 3rd, 5th) and thurs overnight on the other weeks.
Custody has been reduced to standard at this point because my ex couldn’t get kids to school on time (12 tardies before dec 1st!) so now he has Thursday dinners (5-7:30) and Friday-Sunday on his weekends. Plus a month in summer and holidays of course.
Here is my concern at this point. My ex moved in with his parents when we separated and TBH I would be concerned for kids safety if he lived alone. Ex is a slob to say nicely. He considered showering once every 2 weeks and not wearing deodorant in 100 degree weather at 350lbs totally fine.
Anyway, last 10yrs he’s lived with his parents. They have a 4bdrom home. His 33yr old sister has never left home, so she lives there too.
My kids tell me that one of the bedrooms is/has always been an “office” for whatever reason.
Now my ex’s 38yr old sister was fired and moving in with her 11yr old son.
If you’ve lost count that is 5 adults and 3 kids in 3 bedrooms.
My kids share a room with my ex, and the room barely holds a queen sized bed.
Meanwhile I have a 3bedroom, 2 living area home and each kid has their own bedroom.
I grew up with 5 siblings, and my kids shared a room until this summer by choice, but I am having an issue with the living situation going on with my ex’s residence at this point.
I’m not real wild about taking him to court and wasting money again since even when he’s waaaaayyy in the wrong it costs me good money. Is there any sort of laws about this level of crowding ? Some whistle I can blow?
Or am I overreacting?

That is confusing because you said 4 bedrooms in the beginning of your post and 3 bedrooms after that. I have to assume that based on your description of things its actually 4 bedrooms.

When a parent only has weekends and holidays they generally are not going to be penalized for living in a crowded situation. The three cousins (your two and his sister's son) could be sleeping in sleeping bags in the living room and that would be ok for weekends and holidays.

 

[basylica]

I mentioned it in my wall of text. They are using a bedroom as an “office”

So that leaves 3 bedrooms.
Parents are in one, 33yr old aunt in another and supposedly 38yr old aunt will share with her. No idea where 11yr old will sleep.

My kids share a 10x12 room with my ex. Both of them.

It’s a BIG house, upstairs there is what could have been a 5th bedroom if they chose but it’s an open game/rec room. Why one bedroom needs to be an office I don’t understand.

I’m less concerned about weekends and more concerned over 30 days in summer.

I’m 100% convinced my kids will move out of my house before my ex moves out of his parents house. 33yr old has never left, and 38yr old is hot mess. This isn’t going to be a temp situation.

The kids should sleep in Rec room or the room that is “office” could be shared by all 3 kids. I’m bothered my teenage boys are sharing a very tiny space with hygiene challenged ex.

 

[CJane]

So send the boys with sleeping bags and air mattresses.

 

[LdiJ]

I mentioned it in my wall of text. They are using a bedroom as an “office”

So that leaves 3 bedrooms.
Parents are in one, 33yr old aunt in another and supposedly 38yr old aunt will share with her. No idea where 11yr old will sleep.

My kids share a 10x12 room with my ex. Both of them.

It’s a BIG house, upstairs there is what could have been a 5th bedroom if they chose but it’s an open game/rec room. Why one bedroom needs to be an office I don’t understand.

I’m less concerned about weekends and more concerned over 30 days in summer.

I’m 100% convinced my kids will move out of my house before my ex moves out of his parents house. 33yr old has never left, and 38yr old is hot mess. This isn’t going to be a temp situation.

The kids should sleep in Rec room or the room that is “office” could be shared by all 3 kids. I’m bothered my teenage boys are sharing a very tiny space with hygiene challenged ex.

You actually have no idea how they are going to divide up the space now that the 38 year old has moved in with her child. You also have no idea how much the other space is used as office and rec room, and whether the owners of the home are willing to give up their spaces or not.

I do understand why you are concerned about your teenage boys being cooped up with their hygienically challenged father. Do they themselves actually complain about it?

How about sending THREE sleeping bags and pillows over there with the kids and let them ask their grandparents if the three cousins could have a slumber party in the rec room?...and see if that could morph into the kids sleeping up there?

 

[basylica]

They sleep on sleeping bags/in bed with their father currently.
I’ve been to the house so I know the layout. I assumed (and didn’t ask) that the office bedroom was what they were using since it was empty with twin beds when my ex and I were married.
I asked if cousin was gonna sleep in same room when they told me about them moving in and they were like no, we sleep in dads room. I said what about the extra bedroom (guest/ 38yr olds room when they bought house) and they said “oh, that’s the office” - I assume because ex and his sister live for video games.

So I was like “wait, so where is 38yr old aunt gonna sleep?” Kids replied with other aunt.

That’s when my Vision went blurry and I stopped the convo. Lol.

I had 6 siblings in what used to be a 2bdrm itty bitty house. But there sure as heck wasn’t 3 extra rooms empty while nearly grown kids were stacked up like lumber!

My ex has college degree but chooses to remain super under paid (he makes 30k a year) in a field where he should be making 80+ and sponge off his parents. That’s on him. But with a 4000sqft house the kids shouldn’t be crammed into 120sqft with my 350lb ex.

Even if he had a one bedroom I’d argue kids should sleep in living room instead of in his bed/bedroom.

There are 2 living rooms (huge!) and a bedroom that used to be totally empty, and a game room with 2.5 walls (partly open) that could be easily used for kids and I 100% know ex has leeway over because his parents never go upstairs.
I’d bet my life he and his sister have video games covering both rooms and don’t want kids disturbing their gaming. Because that was how it was when my ex and I were married.

I knew the adults in the house ignored my kids when they were small to play video games (their dad games too, and mom is plugged into baseball 90% of the time) because That’s all they did when I’d visit with the ex and babies.

I thought for sure they would atleast have an area for the kids to sleep. Explains why my kids were falling asleep at school and super crabby back when he had them 10 nights per month.

 

[basylica]

I should also mention his parents paid for lawyer to try and hide kids and get full custody when we seperated. He still argues he should have custody and throws hissy fit over my brother freeloading off me (I’m on the fence myself) but brother has my 2nd living area and mostly seperated from core of house and kids have their own rooms. I told him to bite me when he brought it up in court.

While it’s evident to pretty much anyone I’m the adult - I’m blown away he can’t even find quiet space for kids to sleep.

My 13yr old is 5’8 and 135lbs, my 10yr old (he turns 11 in dec) is 5’6 and 85lbs. They are not small kids.
I saw ex’s old/current room and with a queen sized bed there is barely a sleeping bag worth of floor space in that room.

I remember commenting “dang, how did you get that mattress in your room? I’m fills up 90% of the space!”

 

[Just Blue]

I’m in Texas -


My ex and I have a pretty rocky relationship that is atleast 80% his fault. Been divorced 10yrs.
I have 2 sons (10 and 13) who live with me most of the time.
Custody was originally standard expanded (thurs-mon on 1st, 3rd, 5th) and thurs overnight on the other weeks.
Custody has been reduced to standard at this point because my ex couldn’t get kids to school on time (12 tardies before dec 1st!) so now he has Thursday dinners (5-7:30) and Friday-Sunday on his weekends. Plus a month in summer and holidays of course.
Here is my concern at this point. My ex moved in with his parents when we separated and TBH I would be concerned for kids safety if he lived alone. Ex is a slob to say nicely. He considered showering once every 2 weeks and not wearing deodorant in 100 degree weather at 350lbs totally fine.
Anyway, last 10yrs he’s lived with his parents. They have a 4bdrom home. His 33yr old sister has never left home, so she lives there too.
My kids tell me that one of the bedrooms is/has always been an “office” for whatever reason.
Now my ex’s 38yr old sister was fired and moving in with her 11yr old son.
If you’ve lost count that is 5 adults and 3 kids in 3 bedrooms.
My kids share a room with my ex, and the room barely holds a queen sized bed.
Meanwhile I have a 3bedroom, 2 living area home and each kid has their own bedroom.
I grew up with 5 siblings, and my kids shared a room until this summer by choice, but I am having an issue with the living situation going on with my ex’s residence at this point.
I’m not real wild about taking him to court and wasting money again since even when he’s waaaaayyy in the wrong it costs me good money. Is there any sort of laws about this level of crowding ? Some whistle I can blow?
Or am I overreacting?

You are obnoxiously overreacting.

 

[Ohiogal]

I’m in Texas -


My ex and I have a pretty rocky relationship that is atleast 80% his fault. Been divorced 10yrs.
I have 2 sons (10 and 13) who live with me most of the time.
Custody was originally standard expanded (thurs-mon on 1st, 3rd, 5th) and thurs overnight on the other weeks.
Custody has been reduced to standard at this point because my ex couldn’t get kids to school on time (12 tardies before dec 1st!) so now he has Thursday dinners (5-7:30) and Friday-Sunday on his weekends. Plus a month in summer and holidays of course.
Here is my concern at this point. My ex moved in with his parents when we separated and TBH I would be concerned for kids safety if he lived alone. Ex is a slob to say nicely. He considered showering once every 2 weeks and not wearing deodorant in 100 degree weather at 350lbs totally fine.
Anyway, last 10yrs he’s lived with his parents. They have a 4bdrom home. His 33yr old sister has never left home, so she lives there too.
My kids tell me that one of the bedrooms is/has always been an “office” for whatever reason.
Now my ex’s 38yr old sister was fired and moving in with her 11yr old son.
If you’ve lost count that is 5 adults and 3 kids in 3 bedrooms.
My kids share a room with my ex, and the room barely holds a queen sized bed.
Meanwhile I have a 3bedroom, 2 living area home and each kid has their own bedroom.
I grew up with 5 siblings, and my kids shared a room until this summer by choice, but I am having an issue with the living situation going on with my ex’s residence at this point.
I’m not real wild about taking him to court and wasting money again since even when he’s waaaaayyy in the wrong it costs me good money. Is there any sort of laws about this level of crowding ? Some whistle I can blow?
Or am I overreacting?

You are totally overreacting. And you aren't owning your part of the problems. 80% is his fault? Nawww.. you own at least as much as he does.

 

[Ohiogal]

So send the boys with sleeping bags and air mattresses.

But then mom would not have anything to whine about and wouldn't be able to deny dad time because of whatever. She would actually have to COPARENT with the man she chose.

 

[Ohiogal]

They sleep on sleeping bags/in bed with their father currently.
I’ve been to the house so I know the layout. I assumed (and didn’t ask) that the office bedroom was what they were using since it was empty with twin beds when my ex and I were married.
I asked if cousin was gonna sleep in same room when they told me about them moving in and they were like no, we sleep in dads room. I said what about the extra bedroom (guest/ 38yr olds room when they bought house) and they said “oh, that’s the office” - I assume because ex and his sister live for video games.

So I was like “wait, so where is 38yr old aunt gonna sleep?” Kids replied with other aunt.

That’s when my Vision went blurry and I stopped the convo. Lol.

I had 6 siblings in what used to be a 2bdrm itty bitty house. But there sure as heck wasn’t 3 extra rooms empty while nearly grown kids were stacked up like lumber!

My ex has college degree but chooses to remain super under paid (he makes 30k a year) in a field where he should be making 80+ and sponge off his parents. That’s on him. But with a 4000sqft house the kids shouldn’t be crammed into 120sqft with my 350lb ex.

Even if he had a one bedroom I’d argue kids should sleep in living room instead of in his bed/bedroom.

There are 2 living rooms (huge!) and a bedroom that used to be totally empty, and a game room with 2.5 walls (partly open) that could be easily used for kids and I 100% know ex has leeway over because his parents never go upstairs.
I’d bet my life he and his sister have video games covering both rooms and don’t want kids disturbing their gaming. Because that was how it was when my ex and I were married.

I knew the adults in the house ignored my kids when they were small to play video games (their dad games too, and mom is plugged into baseball 90% of the time) because That’s all they did when I’d visit with the ex and babies.

I thought for sure they would atleast have an area for the kids to sleep. Explains why my kids were falling asleep at school and super crabby back when he had them 10 nights per month.

The more you post, the worse you look. Seriously. You are showing that you are at least 50% if not more to blame for the poor relationship you and dad have. It is rocky but most likely because you interrogate the kids and like to start problems.

 

[Just Blue]

The more you post, the worse you look. Seriously. You are showing that you are at least 50% if not more to blame for the poor relationship you and dad have. It is rocky but most likely because you interrogate the kids and like to start problems.

Read OP's Px Hx ....

****************************.

 

[HRZ]

Crowded living is unlikely to be illegal ...or improper ...

AS an aside you appear to be wimping out as to freeloaders in your own home ?...

I wonder if that is impacting your thought process.

 

[basylica]

But then mom would not have anything to whine about and wouldn't be able to deny dad time because of whatever. She would actually have to COPARENT with the man she chose.

I don’t talk about comparenting relationship because there isn’t one - at best. It’s legally a non-issue tbh so why bother.
I call ex to discuss kids and he either screams at me or refuses to rationally discuss things.

“Kid is struggling at school and has thing due Monday and it would really help if you worked with him on this project this weekend”

Is met with “I always DO! You are always blaming me for ****. I should have full custody of the kids! You are a terrible human being and you always blame me for stuff and and and”

My response is “I’m not going to engage with you. I’m just letting you know kid has assignment due Monday because he tends to lie about having homework. Goodbye”

He went to court ages ago about tardies and told the judge “those are her tardies”

Judge looks at calendar I presented and signed list of tardies from school and says “you didn’t have kids overnight on Friday this date?”

Ex “well. Yes”

Judge “then you were tardy that day”

Ex “nuh uh! That’s her tardy!”

Judge “and this date? Did you have custody?”

Ex “errr...yes?”

Judge “then you have this tardy too”

Ex “nuh uh... that’s uh, her tardy!”

Judge “and did you have kids this date?”

Ex “these tardies are all basylica’s fault”


I’ve literally had mediator, judge, and HIS lawyer ask me if he was mentally challenged at different times.

If I call, text, or email him he either ignores me or I’m bombarded by totally nonsense. He basically flat out refuses to be civil.

I often give him extra time with kids outside of custody arrangement but he never says thank you or returns the favor or whatever. If anything he will say “you just would rather X than be a mother”

I’m like “whaaa? I just thought kids would like extra time with you?”

If kids want to do activity with friends (bday party or whatever) I have to bribe ex with an extra weekend to allow them to do a sleepover on a Friday night and drive them 45 miles to his house (he’s ordered to transport them) so I end up giving up 2 weekends with kids so they can do stuff with friends.

It sucks but I do it for the kids.

I absolutely wish I could have a civil conversation with my ex, and have a coparenting relatioship but I am constantly making efforts (because it’s best for kids) and getting nothing but twisted logic and insults from him.

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I were to call him and say verbatim “ex, I assumed kids slept in the extra bedroom and the kids told me they sleep in room with you. I’m concerned because I know the room is small. Can I provide an air mattress or sleeping bags so they can sleep on living room floor?”

I’d be met by screaming and insults until I hung up phone.

Sadly this is how our marriage went (except I just nodded and said “yes dear” when married) and now I can go “I’m not listening to this crap” and hang up.

I keep hoping after 10yrs there could be a civil adult conversation but no.

Even good stuff like “oh hey, kid got really good grade in school and I wanted to let you know so you could praise him” is met with “oh so I guess you think this is because of you? Well I’ll have you know I spend time with him doing homework too! I’m way smarter than you are in math (I’m an engineer btw) and you didn’t do anything to help the kid get good grades....”

Me “you know what, I just thought you could praise him. Bye” *hang up*

So coparenting is a major issue, but I do actually try despite getting crapped on for last 10yrs. It sucks.

 

[Ohiogal]

Okay OP. Based on your PX HX -- you are the problem. Dad doesn't parent your way so he is doing it wrong. Please quit talking now. All of your threads are griping about him. And you have many of them. Grow up, get thicker skin, and quit looking at ways to get at him.