Need Advice Badly!

[01newgirl01]

What is the name of your state? MI
I need some advice. I am engaged to a man who has two children. One child lives in Ohio (8yr old girl) and the other child lives in Florida (4yr old boy). The man that I am engaged to was never married to either woman he had children with and was married once to another woman who was pregnate by another man when he married her. The child that lives in Ohio the mother didn't tell him he had a child until 3 years ago so he is behind on child support and the other child in Florida just this past year is now behind in child support. He does not make much money. He has however filled out the paperwork for payments to be taken out of his check about 9 months ago and nothing has since been taken out here in MI (he has called and written e-mails to the child support place also). Also the woman he married refuses to get a divorce from him. They were married less than a year and they are separated now for 7 years. He gave up trying for the divorce because he figured he wasn't going to get married again. He is now again trying to get a divorce. She is living with the person she was cheating with during their less than a year marriage until separating. Also all women have several children and live off all of the differnt fathers payments and do not work. Basically he got him self into this mess because he had low self esteem. I did not know at the time that when we started dating that he had all of these loose ends or that he was not divorced. Anyway I would like to know when we do finally get to get married how will this financially effect me. And are there any measures I can take to protect myself. I am a very organized person and do not like any bills and try very hard to keep my financial situation under contol as much as possible. Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank you and sorry this message is so long.

 

[kat1963]

What is the name of your state? MI
I need some advice. I am engaged to a man who has two children. One child lives in Ohio (8yr old girl) and the other child lives in Florida (4yr old boy).

>Okay

The man that I am engaged to was never married to either woman he had children with and was married once to another woman who was pregnate by another man when he married her.

>Okay

The child that lives in Ohio the mother didn't tell him he had a child until 3 years ago so he is behind on child support

>Is it owed to the state for welfare?

and the other child in Florida just this past year is now behind in child support.

>He's going to be a BMW (broke man walking) for the next 16 years.

He does not make much money.

>He will if he goes to night school & gets an education! Hard, yes, but when has anything that is worthwhile in life ever been easy?

He has however filled out the paperwork for payments to be taken out of his check about 9 months ago and nothing has since been taken out here in MI (he has called and written e-mails to the child support place also).

>Send a certified letter. DO NOT EVER call these people. Not paying is no excuse, he can send it into the agency until they get off their butts & do their job.

Also the woman he married refuses to get a divorce from him. They were married less than a year and they are separated now for 7 years. He gave up trying for the divorce because he figured he wasn't going to get married again. He is now again trying to get a divorce.

>Have you seen the paperwork where he tried? It's called a default divorce. Take him to a lawyer & have him file.

She is living with the person she was cheating with during their less than a year marriage until separating.

>Doesn't matter now.

Also all women have several children and live off all of the differnt fathers payments and do not work.

>Not uncommon. Don't like the rules, fight to change them. I know of one lady in Florida who has 4 children by 4 different men. She gets, $3,800 a month in child support, tax free.

Basically he got him self into this mess because he had low self esteem.

>No, it's because he couldn't keep it in his pants. Don't make excuses for him. And that certainly isn't the reason he isn't fighting for visitation.

I did not know at the time that when we started dating that he had all of these loose ends or that he was not divorced.

>You should have left when you found out. You might be able to help fix this or you could find yourself divorced with a child. He's probably already maxed out on his past obligations so you would get nothing. Think LONG & HARD about this. You can get over love quicker then the time it's going to take to pay off his child support obligations/custody/visitation battles.

Anyway I would like to know when we do finally get to get married how will this financially effect me.

>You will probably end up being the main bread winner of the family. Under Federal law, they can garnish 55% of his paycheck if he is married & in arrears 50% if not in arrears & married.

And are there any measures I can take to protect myself.

>Keep everything seperate. File seperate income tax returns...unless you don't care that they keep the refunds (it has to be paid one way or the other right?)

I am a very organized person and do not like any bills and try very hard to keep my financial situation under contol as much as possible.

>Fine. Today, sit with him on line & have him pull copies of all THREE of his credit reports. I bet dollars to donuts you don't know half of it!!! When you pick yourself up off the floor, have a beer, okay, make it two then have a serious talk. He might need to find a second job for a while. If it's that bad, he might need to speak to a bankrupcy attorney. CS obligations can't be included in bk...but if some of it is owed to the state for welfare, you might want to bring that up.
You will want to familiarize yourself with child support/visitation laws in both of these states including Federal. Try www.childsupportguidelines.com For help with visitation & support issues www.deltabravo.net
Signing up for voluntary garnishment is a good thing. He can't spend it because he doesn't see it. I would have him send a request, in writing (return receipt) to both state child support agencies requesting an audit of his accounts. Do this every 6m-1 year. You have to keep on top of them!!!

Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank you and sorry this message is so long.

>You have a long road ahead. Good Luck! Try to take care of this before you walk down that marriage road, not after!

 

[skyy]

In addition to the above, being a stepparent has its rewards, but it also comes with its heartaches. It can be really difficult to watch your husband in pain over not being able to see his children, not having any say in their lives or the problems caused by his exes, especially after you become the wife.

If you file married for taxes, you may be able to claim innocent spouse to get some of your return. Don't expect for your husband's child support to show any noticeable change if you decide to have a child together. Every child supported now will come first when it comes to income.

You have a complicated situation. Talk to people already dealing with issues such as the ones you'll be facing.

 

[01newgirl01]

Thank You

Thank you both for your replies to my question. I really appreciate it.

 

[kdowd771]

Not telling you what to do here. Your life. Your choice. But.... are you sure you want to be married to someone who has such baggage, problems??? Even if he gets all the legal issues solved regarding this mess, it will still follow you until each one of those kids are 18 years old. How much of YOUR life and YOUR future are you going to give upi for the poor decisions he made in the past. I know from personal experience what happens. I put my dreams on hold for 6 years before I realized what was happening. That I was just another man to milk in a line of men that have been milked by her in the past.

Its YOUR life and you need to ask yourself this one question: Where do I want to be in 5 years? How will I get there? Will this person work with me or against me?
Something to think about!!!!

 

[01newgirl01]

I have been thinking about whether or not I want to be married at all. I thought about this even prior to meeting this man. I've had a few men treat me badly and I stayed with them for quite a while before I woke up and broke up. This man that I am with now treats me well and I can not see me leaving him. He doesn't treat me poorly or make me cry or call me names or beat me. As far as I'm concerned I feel safe with him and know this time someone cares about me and not what they can get from me. Some may see it as he is getting me to help with his debt and past responsibilities and sometimes I do feel like I am being punished by his past. I do not have children and was never sure I wanted children based on the men I had previously been with I knew they would be crappy fathers. I tried very hard with my life not to have much debt or baggage to bring to a relationship, but frankly now a days a lot of people either don't feel the same way or are stuck in the "me stage" of life or circumstances got in the way that are beyond their control or means. This man does care about his children but he has circumstances that make some of this very difficult. I am not making excuses. He just takes things as they happen and I don't think he really understands his rights or what's really going on. I don't even understand all of the legal things and so that is why I am on this site looking for help and answers so that I may be able to help him and his children. I guess I would just feel better if he was at least caught up on his back child support. I would feel much better knowing that we could start our marriage out being on time with the checks going to his children. It would be even nicer if he could have contact with his children but as it stands that's not possible right now. Between him feeling he has no rights to see the children because he currently can not afford to keep up with the payments and with the mothers not willing to budge an inch on any decisions or comprimises to be made for now it is not happening. Thanks again for all the feedback.

 

[skyy]

Have him took into these sites.

http://www.childcustody.net
http://www.deltabravo.net
http://www.dads4kids.com

I know how much you want to help. For the most part, I was where you are now a few years ago. The most important thing to remember is he has to want it. If you push more than him, you're going to experience the most pain. Trust me.

Good luck.

 

[01newgirl01]

Thanks again Skyy

If I may ask...how has everything turned out for you? Good, Bad, Ugly! Ha-ha...must keep a sense of humor! Just curious since you say you were in a similar situation. Thanks

 

[skyy]

We're happily married, and I fall more in love with him every day...well, almost every day. (Men can pluck your nerves sometimes.)

I would suggest holding off on too much until the divorce is finalized. Then...
- try to arrange to have a sit down with the children and get to know them if you haven't (you need to know what type of children will be in your home and looking to you)
- talk to the mothers (You need to know how rational or crazy they are. Maybe you can get some insight on something.)
- have a serious talk with HIS mother (many times she can fill in the blanks on a LOT of situations)
- pull credit reports
- manage your household finances or, at least, see where everything is going
- try not to have any children until you get settled
- talk with him about where he stands on custody/visitation with his children now and what he plans to do
- step back and evaluate your position and how you can help or hinder him
- pray for insight

Hope this helps!

 

[01newgirl01]

Thanks once again Skyy

Yeah, I know what you mean when you say men can pluck your nerves at times. Ha-ha...

Thanks for the web-sites. I checked them out yesterday and they were really helpful. I needed some perspective. I wrote down the addresses and told my fiance' to check them out when he gets a chance, so we'll see if he does. Right now he is scheduled to see a lawyer through his union at work this month. Actually his Mom doesn't seem to like any of the women he had children with or the one he married. She has contact with the youngest child (the boy). The only thing I hear from his Mom is that "I'm the one" for her son. She says she can tell he loves me very deeply. I believe his mother may have helped get me a ring...because we definately didn't have it. It's nothing showy it's just a nice small ring to show we are together. I told my fiance' that 33years old is my cut off date for me having children. If I haven't decided by then I don't think I will ever have any children. I would hate to put them through any mess that I could solve before hand. I am 29 right now. I have not met his children. Sometimes I think he just wants to start over or something. I put his children's pictures up in our apartment on my own. He only has two pictures of his children. I think he feels he is loosing the battle with them. Well, thanks again for your advice and I'm glad things have worked out for you!!!!!