Need advice on this situation

[MommaBearX3]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Multi-state issue. Divorce final in Georgia. Custodial parent now resides in Ohio and I currently reside in Texas. Case remains in Georgia (CP has not moved case to Ohio to prevent grandparents from filing for grandparents rights-- Georgia does not recognize them but Ohio does)

Apologize in advance, but this will be a long one. Grab a beverage...

I am the mother of the children. We were divorced in 2005 in the state of Georgia. Military family. After the divorce, he moved back to Ohio and I moved back to Texas. He is the primary custodian of the children.

When we first divorced, due to circumstances at the time I did not fight for custody. He had a stable job, his mother lived with us and was available to care for the children when he was at work. I was working for minimum wage and essentially living in my car (we were in military housing, so I of course, had to move). He was a horrid husband, but a good father and at the time his life had more stability. I wanted the children to maintain their lifestyle as much as possible, so it seemed for the best at the time. I was ordered child support and have been paying it monthly ever since.

Over the course of the years, there have been several things that have happened that have only recently been brought to light. Prior to our separation, he had suffered a medical issue and was in the middle of being processed out of the military. So-- I didn't think anything of it when he told me he was out. Later, I found out he was actually kicked out due to testing positive for cocaine (I have the proof). He was arrested for assault in 2006, arrested for possession in 2011, and is currently on probation at his current job for failing... a drug test. These are all things that have been brought to my attention by HIS mother, who is becoming concerned about the grandchildren (she no longer lives with him, but still babysits).

Visitation has always been an act of frustration. He refuses to follow the guidelines (knowing that I am of limited means and can't really afford a lawyer). I have to pull teeth to get a month in the summer, much less the 42 days I am supposed to get, or holidays, Christmas break, etc. He has even gone so far in the past to demand extra money in order for me to come see the kids (not take them, just drive to see them) for a weekend. Found out later that the demands were partly due to his involvement with his issues with chemicals.

His lifestyle has become quite unstable in recent years. He remarried in 2007, divorced in 2009. Had a revolving bedroom door for the following year or so. Moved in with another girl he had known for a few months, then split with her shortly after. Now, he is moving in yet another girl that he has known for a grand total of two months. During this whole process, my children have had 3 addresses and 3 different schools in 6 months.. and started school 4 weeks late this year due to all the moving. Two of the three have expressed an interest in living with me on more than one occasion-- but as soon as he gets wind of it, he makes promises to them and cuts their means of communication with me for a few weeks. I try to maintain neutrality when they ask to come live with me-- as I don't want to EVER be that parent that asks their kids to "choose". But at the same time, I do let them know that they are always wanted and welcome.

With all the jurisdiction issues and provable issues-- what course of action should I be looking at here? The past two girlfriends previous to this current one both ended up being violent towards my children. The last one went as far as to send threatening texts and voicemails to my 13 year old when her dad split from her. They had to go file a police report against her to get it to stop. I'm concerned that his battles with chemicals are getting the better of him and impacting his judgment and ability to parent.

What should I do?

 

[MommaBearX3]

Anyone? At the very least, how should I approach the situation given the multiple states involved?

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

Move to OH. Start utilizing your visitation. Scope out the situation. Possibly file for custody.

 

[MommaBearX3]

I've been utilizing my visitation when I've been allowed to. What I have here that I would not have in Ohio is stability. Same job for 5 years, own a house, in a long term relationship.

How would my making myself UNstable help the situation? I'm sure there is a reason for your suggestions, but could you clarify it for me?

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

The kids reside in OH. That is where custody would need filed. You have almost no contact with children. You would be unlikely to get custody, unless you moved to OH and spent time with the kids before attempting it.

 

[MommaBearX3]

Ok-- on the filing in Ohio thing.. is that certain? I ask because when one of the grandparents filed for Grandparents visitation (Ohio allows it), it was kicked out, citing Georgia jurisdiction.

In terms of contact-- I pay extra money so that I can see my kids as often as possible. I should have clarified that in the original post. He essentially extorts more money out of me than what I'm ordered to pay if I want to see them. I drive up to Ohio at least every other month to spend a few days (and pay him extra money). I still get them during the summer, but he always has an excuse to pick them up before the 42 days is up.. and of course, it being a civil matter, law enforcement can't do anything about it.

My oldest just entered her teen years and has a phone now. We talk, text, and chat on FB almost every day... but in person she told me that she has to be careful what she says because he monitors everything she sends or says to me. Right now, she gets messages to other family members that they get to me (at this point, his entire family feels that the kids would be better off with me). He often works nights and the kids will call me whenever he isn't around, via their grandmothers cell phone (so he can't track it).

I wasn't being informed of a lot of the legal stuff in the past because he had threatened the grandmother with keeping the kids from her if she opened her mouth. She finally decided to come out with whats going on when she saw things getting worse rather than better.

I understand that its very difficult to get a change in custody across state lines. BUT-- given the nature of his drug offenses, assault charges, instability, etc... would it be possible? I have a stable job, stable home, no criminal record of any kind, could easily pass a hair follicle drug test (he could pass a pee test... thanks to kits, but he'd never pass blood or hair). Two of the three kids have expressed the desire to come down here for good on multiple occasions. I don't have the same level of time that a parent living in town would.. but I scrimp and save to make a point of seeing them as often as possible.

 

[LdiJ]

Ok-- on the filing in Ohio thing.. is that certain? I ask because when one of the grandparents filed for Grandparents visitation (Ohio allows it), it was kicked out, citing Georgia jurisdiction.

In terms of contact-- I pay extra money so that I can see my kids as often as possible. I should have clarified that in the original post. He essentially extorts more money out of me than what I'm ordered to pay if I want to see them. I drive up to Ohio at least every other month to spend a few days (and pay him extra money). I still get them during the summer, but he always has an excuse to pick them up before the 42 days is up.. and of course, it being a civil matter, law enforcement can't do anything about it.

My oldest just entered her teen years and has a phone now. We talk, text, and chat on FB almost every day... but in person she told me that she has to be careful what she says because he monitors everything she sends or says to me. Right now, she gets messages to other family members that they get to me (at this point, his entire family feels that the kids would be better off with me). He often works nights and the kids will call me whenever he isn't around, via their grandmothers cell phone (so he can't track it).

I wasn't being informed of a lot of the legal stuff in the past because he had threatened the grandmother with keeping the kids from her if she opened her mouth. She finally decided to come out with whats going on when she saw things getting worse rather than better.

I understand that its very difficult to get a change in custody across state lines. BUT-- given the nature of his drug offenses, assault charges, instability, etc... would it be possible? I have a stable job, stable home, no criminal record of any kind, could easily pass a hair follicle drug test (he could pass a pee test... thanks to kits, but he'd never pass blood or hair). Two of the three kids have expressed the desire to come down here for good on multiple occasions. I don't have the same level of time that a parent living in town would.. but I scrimp and save to make a point of seeing them as often as possible.

Eventually the case is going to be heard in OH. Dad will dispute GA having jurisdiction if you file there, and GA will release jurisdiction since none of you live there anymore.

I would get a consult with an attorney in OH. If things are bad enough that his own mother is telling you what is going on, then you may have some recourse.

And as far as summer is concerned, if you are supposed to have 42 days then do NOT let dad pick them up early.

 

[mistoffolees]

Ok-- on the filing in Ohio thing.. is that certain? I ask because when one of the grandparents filed for Grandparents visitation (Ohio allows it), it was kicked out, citing Georgia jurisdiction.

Here's the way it works.

The case stays in the state which originally issued orders until a court changes it. If one of you had stayed in GA, it is unlikely that GA would have ever relinquished jurisdiction. Since neither of you is there, it probably will - but only when formally requested to do so.

The children primarily reside on OH, so OH will get jurisdiction of GA releases it.

There are two ways this could play out:

1. You could file in GA for a change in custody. GA could legally hear the case, but Dad could file to have it transferred to OH since no one lives in GA any more. Depending on the judge, chances are pretty good that he would get it transferred - and you'd have to start over in OH.

2. You could file to move it to OH and then file for a change in custody.

I'm not sure where I'd start. I think I'd probably start with a GA attorney (many will give you a free consultation) to find out how easily GA would relinquish jurisdiction. If GA is 99% certain to relinquish jurisdiction when asked, then I probably wouldn't waste the effort of filing there. OTOH, if GA is less likely to release jurisdiction, it might make sense. An attorney would be able to guide you.

In terms of contact-- I pay extra money so that I can see my kids as often as possible. I should have clarified that in the original post. He essentially extorts more money out of me than what I'm ordered to pay if I want to see them. I drive up to Ohio at least every other month to spend a few days (and pay him extra money). I still get them during the summer, but he always has an excuse to pick them up before the 42 days is up.. and of course, it being a civil matter, law enforcement can't do anything about it.

My oldest just entered her teen years and has a phone now. We talk, text, and chat on FB almost every day... but in person she told me that she has to be careful what she says because he monitors everything she sends or says to me. Right now, she gets messages to other family members that they get to me (at this point, his entire family feels that the kids would be better off with me). He often works nights and the kids will call me whenever he isn't around, via their grandmothers cell phone (so he can't track it).

I wasn't being informed of a lot of the legal stuff in the past because he had threatened the grandmother with keeping the kids from her if she opened her mouth. She finally decided to come out with whats going on when she saw things getting worse rather than better.

I understand that its very difficult to get a change in custody across state lines. BUT-- given the nature of his drug offenses, assault charges, instability, etc... would it be possible? I have a stable job, stable home, no criminal record of any kind, could easily pass a hair follicle drug test (he could pass a pee test... thanks to kits, but he'd never pass blood or hair). Two of the three kids have expressed the desire to come down here for good on multiple occasions. I don't have the same level of time that a parent living in town would.. but I scrimp and save to make a point of seeing them as often as possible.

Here's the problem. You don't have all that much time with the child now - and you're apparently not using all of what you're allowed (you don't have to let him pick up the kids early in the summer).

I only saw the age of one kid - 13. That's getting to the point that the judge MIGHT listen to preferences (depending on how mature the child is and the reasons for wanting a change), but it won't be enough to change custody on its own. And the preference of younger kids may not even be heard.

What it comes down to is that you will probably need to PROVE that Dad is unfit. And that means cold, hard, legal proof. You might be surprised at how many things are not useful. For example, a written diagnosis from a doctor may be worthless since it can't be cross-examined. You would have to subpoena the doctor.

Furthermore, much of what you're citing isn't all that relevant. He's allowed to have a different girlfriend every night if he wishes. Now, that MIGHT open the door to some things, but you'd have to prove that it harms the kids and not just that it's distasteful.

Take all your evidence to an attorney (probably in OH as stated above) and ask them for an evaluation. If you can prove that Dad is unfit, then your chances of getting custody are better than if you simply show that you might be a better parent than him.

 

[MommaBearX3]

The children are aged 8, 10, and 13. I know they may consider the preferences of the 13 year old, and possibly the 10 year old. I know they may listen to the 8 year old, but he won't have much weight.

I have a phone consult with an attorney in Ohio on Monday. From what I've been able to find via research, filing in GA will essentially be like chasing unicorns, its most likely going to be moved.

Here is what I have in terms of "proof"

1. His arrest record for Domestic Violence. The person he was dating at the time, who later became the now second ex wife, was ALSO arrested during the same incident for Domestic Violence. They were staying at a hotel and got into a physical fight, resulting in the hotel calling the police and both parties being arrested. So, not only was he arrested for DV, he later MARRIED the person that he also pressed charges against for DV.

2. His arrest record for possession of marijuana.

3. His discharge from the military, citing disciplinary action due to his testing positive for cocaine.

4. His mother and sister, both wiling to testify to his drug use.

5. I imagine I can subpoena his current employers records, showing he was placed on probation at work for failing a drug test in late July/early August.


The "revolving door" I know isn't a real factor, but I would think that 3 school districts in 6 months DUE TO his relationship changes AND having the kids start school 4 weeks late would be a factor, particularly in establishing a change of circumstance. I don't involve myself with who he dates until I start getting calls from my daughter regarding treatment of the kids (she's pretty easygoing, she doesn't call because she can't do what she wants-- she calls when the boys are being threatened--etc.)

Yes, I have allowed him to pick up the children early-- my reason was that up until last year he had full control over whether I even got to talk to the children, so I've always "played nice" in order to get as much time and communication as possible. In addition, I felt that seeing us fight about visitation would NOT be good for the kids. I won't fight in front of them. They go through that enough at home, from what I'm being told. I cannot begin to tell you how much extra money I've given him over the years in order to see my kids. I see them for 3-4 days every other month, and I also travel up there on their spring and winter breaks (sometimes I get to see them, sometimes I don't depending on his mood). And then there is the summer.

 

[mistoffolees]

The children are aged 8, 10, and 13. I know they may consider the preferences of the 13 year old, and possibly the 10 year old. I know they may listen to the 8 year old, but he won't have much weight.

I have a phone consult with an attorney in Ohio on Monday. From what I've been able to find via research, filing in GA will essentially be like chasing unicorns, its most likely going to be moved.

Here is what I have in terms of "proof"

1. His arrest record for Domestic Violence. The person he was dating at the time, who later became the now second ex wife, was ALSO arrested during the same incident for Domestic Violence. They were staying at a hotel and got into a physical fight, resulting in the hotel calling the police and both parties being arrested. So, not only was he arrested for DV, he later MARRIED the person that he also pressed charges against for DV.

2. His arrest record for possession of marijuana.

3. His discharge from the military, citing disciplinary action due to his testing positive for cocaine.

4. His mother and sister, both wiling to testify to his drug use.

5. I imagine I can subpoena his current employers records, showing he was placed on probation at work for failing a drug test in late July/early August.


The "revolving door" I know isn't a real factor, but I would think that 3 school districts in 6 months DUE TO his relationship changes AND having the kids start school 4 weeks late would be a factor, particularly in establishing a change of circumstance. I don't involve myself with who he dates until I start getting calls from my daughter regarding treatment of the kids (she's pretty easygoing, she doesn't call because she can't do what she wants-- she calls when the boys are being threatened--etc.)

Yes, I have allowed him to pick up the children early-- my reason was that up until last year he had full control over whether I even got to talk to the children, so I've always "played nice" in order to get as much time and communication as possible. In addition, I felt that seeing us fight about visitation would NOT be good for the kids. I won't fight in front of them. They go through that enough at home, from what I'm being told. I cannot begin to tell you how much extra money I've given him over the years in order to see my kids. I see them for 3-4 days every other month, and I also travel up there on their spring and winter breaks (sometimes I get to see them, sometimes I don't depending on his mood). And then there is the summer.

Unfortunately, none of that is going to constitute proof that he is a danger to the kids. Even if your 'proof' is admissible (it may well not be), the fact that he has used cocaine or pot and even lost a job over it isn't proof that the kids are in danger. Even the DV isn't proof that the kids are in danger.

You have a long way to go to prove that he's an unfit parent. Your attorney will have his work cut out for him.

 

[mariasusa]

One basic thing you need to change is to start following the court order. Use all of your visitation times. Do what you have to do to make that happen. Not only is that the right thing to do, you will have more time with your children as a precedent. (sp?)

After that, the only things that stick out for me legally are; the children being in 3 schools in 6 months, starting 4 weeks late. Do you have all of these school records to attach to your legal papers? You will need to really back that up. I wouldn't get into your opinions as to why this happened (poor gf choices) but simply point out what is in the childrens best interests. Lay out a 2 year block of time re schooling at look at what school when, how were their grades...up until now.

The drugs...I would talk to the family law attorney about that. There is a record he was busted for cocaine, and a record that he has violated probation by a failed drug test. Usually family law court won't get into drug testing unless there is obvious, provable drug use that may be affecting the kids. However, since this is current, and is provable...I would be discussing how to bring that up. Best result;dad gets ordered through family law court to get drug testing...then there has to be a follow through should he fail it again.

I am not trying to give you false hope. Changing custody is very difficult, and you will have to prove many things. You will also need a very good attorney. I wish you luck, the things you've mentioned would alarm me and I think you are doing the right thing by researching what steps you can take. Best thing - follow your court order starting now, and start consulting with 2 or 3 family law attorneys...figure out how to handle the jurisdiction thing.

 

[MommaBearX3]

So then, by following the court order, should I file contempt the next time he attempts to deny my visitation or tries to pick them up early? Is that my only option in order to show my attempt to comply?

I've always been willing to follow the order to the letter and have attempted to-- the problem has been his denials and his interference.


Yes, I can show the school changes they have been through. In 2 years, they were in one district, moved to another, moved back to the first, moved to another, and then another. So, thats 5 school changes in 2 years, with 3 of them being since April of this year.

In terms of grades, the only one who has not experienced a change in grades is our middle son. He's an A student. The other two have had issues with their grades recently. Nothing drastic, but a noticeable drop. My oldest in particular has had to give up several school activities due to the moves and constant changes.

Yes, I know its a difficult road, particularly with the state issues. But if I can provide them with more stability than what they've had in the past few years, I have to try-- even if the attempt fails.

 

[mariasusa]

Yes, I think at a minimum you need to take the yukky steps to prove you have been there to pick up the kids or whatever your order says...if you don't try...you can't accuse dad of withholding the kids.

***And do not allow dad to pick the kids up early.

So you need to show up, say he refuses to allow the kids to go, or is not home. Call the police and state you just want a report that you came to pick up your kids. Get a couple of those...and yes, file a motion for contempt of the court order. The sad thing is is he may get a slap on the wrist. OR maybe he'll get your not lying down anymore and he better start watching the court order better. Irregardless, stay on top of it. Keep your journal, save all emails regarding visitation/transportation.

Just doing the legwork for that is a lot, and in the process you will have figured out who has jurisdiction.

 

[MommaBearX3]

Thanks for the advice and suggestions. Much appreciated.

I really hate the thought of having to get yucky about the situation. I've tried so hard over the years to just be pleasant to their dad and smile and nod in order to make things smoother and more calm for them. But unfortunately I don't think that is going to be the best course of action anymore if he is going to continue his recent pattern with the kids. I want things to be peaceful, but they also need to be safe and stable.

 

[LdiJ]

The children are aged 8, 10, and 13. I know they may consider the preferences of the 13 year old, and possibly the 10 year old. I know they may listen to the 8 year old, but he won't have much weight.

I have a phone consult with an attorney in Ohio on Monday. From what I've been able to find via research, filing in GA will essentially be like chasing unicorns, its most likely going to be moved.

Here is what I have in terms of "proof"

1. His arrest record for Domestic Violence. The person he was dating at the time, who later became the now second ex wife, was ALSO arrested during the same incident for Domestic Violence. They were staying at a hotel and got into a physical fight, resulting in the hotel calling the police and both parties being arrested. So, not only was he arrested for DV, he later MARRIED the person that he also pressed charges against for DV.

2. His arrest record for possession of marijuana.

3. His discharge from the military, citing disciplinary action due to his testing positive for cocaine.

4. His mother and sister, both wiling to testify to his drug use.

5. I imagine I can subpoena his current employers records, showing he was placed on probation at work for failing a drug test in late July/early August.


The "revolving door" I know isn't a real factor, but I would think that 3 school districts in 6 months DUE TO his relationship changes AND having the kids start school 4 weeks late would be a factor, particularly in establishing a change of circumstance. I don't involve myself with who he dates until I start getting calls from my daughter regarding treatment of the kids (she's pretty easygoing, she doesn't call because she can't do what she wants-- she calls when the boys are being threatened--etc.)

Yes, I have allowed him to pick up the children early-- my reason was that up until last year he had full control over whether I even got to talk to the children, so I've always "played nice" in order to get as much time and communication as possible. In addition, I felt that seeing us fight about visitation would NOT be good for the kids. I won't fight in front of them. They go through that enough at home, from what I'm being told. I cannot begin to tell you how much extra money I've given him over the years in order to see my kids. I see them for 3-4 days every other month, and I also travel up there on their spring and winter breaks (sometimes I get to see them, sometimes I don't depending on his mood). And then there is the summer.

The bolded above is actually a pretty big deal. That may be almost stronger than anything else that you have. However I disagree with Misto that the other stuff is not significant. If his own family members are willing to testify to his drug abuse as well, the judge will take that quite seriously.