Need some brainstorming

[stealth2]

What is the name of your state? NJ

(The kids came home Friday morning, btw)

I was told this w/e that my ex has been offered (and accepted) a "temporary" assignment (2+ years) in another state from where he now lives and intends to commute back to his wife on weekends for the duration. The kids have told me that they do not want to spend the summers at his home if he's not going to be there 5 days of 7 - they would rather be home where they can spend time with friends. Our current visitation schedule has them at their Dad's from the Friday after school ends until the Sunday before it starts - minus two weeks when they're home. This does seem excessive to me, to be honest, if he's not going to be there.

HOWEVER - I do feel that they should get a reasonable amount of time during the summer with their Dad if possible. Obviously, we need a modification of some sort. So I'm looking for ideas as to what the best arrangement to offer might be. We live between the two places he'll be. I don't know how he's intending to travel between, but it is entirely possible that he would either drive, or fly himself. Does it seem reasonable to offer every weekend during the summer (plus any extended vacation that he may get), with my getting them to a convenient (for him) pick-up point?

The only input I've had from him at this point is he intends to pick them up from here on his weekends from now on - nothing on how they're getting home (I assume he expects me to drive up to his home to get them - 350+ miles away).

(edit) I would also offer to split the cost of travel on the weekends he takes the kids - we currently split transportation.

 

[Ambr]

I would think you would need a modification as well.

Since he would be commutting back and forth and would be home for the weekends, the only thing that would be affected would be the summer visitation and possibly any future holiday visitations.

The standard for long distance visitations in the summer is 6 weeks - it usually goes 6 weeks straight or 2 weeks every month.

I don't see where you could "make up" all of the time that he would be allowed by just offering him every weekend during the summer. That is basically just 24 days for the entire summer when it would be 42 the normal way.

Depending on the age of the children and what kind of judge you could get - their wishes might make a difference.

 

[stealth2]

There's no way we could make up the summer visitation he has now with just weekends. But while they don't get to make the decisions, I can understand how the kids - at 9 & 12 - have things they want to do at home.

 

[hexeliebe]

O.K. now I'm going to step into it.

The kids have told me that they do not want to spend the summers at his home if he's not going to be there 5 days of 7 - they would rather be home where they can spend time with friends.

How is his being gone 5 days out of the seven much (notice the word MUCH) different than his being gone for work every day and coming home late?

Granted, it's a matter of degree, but it sounds to me like the kids are using this as an excuse instead of a reason. After all, he will be home during the weekends.

Obviously, we need a modification of some sort.

Why? This doesn't seem to warrant the time, effort nor expense of a legal modification. This is one of those instances where "let's just work it out between the two of us" should be done. After all, you said it was for two years so that's only two summers.

I don't know how he's intending to travel between, but it is entirely possible that he would either drive, or fly himself.

Stealth sweetie, you know this is not relevant to anything.



From the sound of your entire post, nothing is concrete yet except the maybes and the 'what-if'. Which means that's the first thing you need to get settled.

You do know there is a wonderful little tool I use when I want a direct answer...It's called a direct question

Ask him how he intends to get the children to and from your home on visitation days (weeks). Ask him about financial arrangements. Tell him the children's concerns and have him discuss it with them.

In other words, this is not an issue I'd involve the courts with unless AFTER you've talked there is no resolution. Just remember, when he's back home after the two years you'll have to go through this all over again.

And unless the step-mommie is Joan Crawford or Lizzie Borden, this might be a good chance for the kiddies to bond a little with her or at least, learn how to get along with someone through example (you and ex sweetie)

 

[stealth2]

I'm not blowing you off, hex. The difference between this assignment and his "normal" job is that in that one he has summers off, and is at the office *maybe* 2 days during the week for faculty mtgs or to meet with a student. So this is actually a huge change in his normal summer routine.

As for discussing it with him, that is (unfortunately) not an option. There is no reasonable communication between the two of us.

As for the kids speaking with him about anything, we've tried that route before. He either simply ignores them, or walks away when they try to talk to him about anything. Hence the mediator. I would prefer to work through him to come up with a mutually agreeable solution, but think I need to have some idea of what might make sense. He (the mediator) has indicated that he will be meeting with the kids on some regular basis to get their input on various issues. So their thoughts will come up. And I know everyone says this, but I don't discuss these things with them and don't influence them in wrt to Dad, stepMom, etc.

And before anyone asks - this isn't about money, either. It would cost me more to have them here all summer, and CS wouldn't change.

 

[haiku]

hmm, I am on the fence on this one too..they spend the whole summer there and have NO friends there? my steps spend a weekend a month here and they have friends they have made and look forward to seeing.

we have a bit more than a 350 distance and we either go all the way to get them or she brings them, and vice versa depending on everyones plans.

I think I would first work with his idea about the weekend pick-ups and go from there.

 

[stealth2]

Our son has one friend there and our daughter has a few more. I did mention to them that they could spend time with those kids, and son said that his friend spends his summer elsewhere while daughter said that her friends are all doing other stuff during the summer and she doesn't spend that much time with them.

I really am looking for a good way to make all of us as happy as possible, so all of your thoughts and comments are helpful. Like I said - I'm looking for brainstorming ideas that I may not have thought of. Thanks.

 

[haiku]

Our son has one friend there and our daughter has a few more. I did mention to them that they could spend time with those kids, and son said that his friend spends his summer elsewhere while daughter said that her friends are all doing other stuff during the summer and she doesn't spend that much time with them.

Ahh I can see where that would be an issue with that age group! though my 12 year old stepson is usually glued to his nintendo, when his friends are not around, so he never really has to spend time with me, his boring ol step mom, which I totally understand is completely different than spending it with his boring ol mom...(yeah I am boring I admit it LOL)

 

[stealth2]

LOL I'm sure you're not all that boring.

 

[shuga24]

not to get off the subject but, why does he get to have them all summer. was that your choice. im not trying to be smart. i'm just curious

 

[stealth2]

To make a long story short, it was part of a settlement offer he made after an 18 month/$20+k custody fight. If I agreed to move away with the kids, I would get residential custody for the rest of the year, and he would get one w/e per month plus the summer. If I refused, he would fight for sole custody. No negotiation, no nothing.

 

[kidoday]

If I agreed to move away with the kids

You had to agree to move away? Never heard anything like that.

Will it be possible to have the kids stay with dad wherever he is at during the week?

 

[texasmomlost]

Okay slight blonde moment here, but I do not see the issue. When my kids had summer visits like yours do, they went with dad, saw him at night etc. It is very typical dad has to work, that does not mean he should be denied visitation does it? You seem willing to work it out. I think it is great that you are offering every weekend even though that is alot of travel time for the kids! But again, what is wrong with them doing it just like every other kid of divorce who spends summers at the NCP's? Get them enrolled in summer activities!

 

[stealth2]

Yeah, it was pretty bizarre.

I was thinking of offering to have the kids go down there with him, until our daughter told me that the apt he's rented is big enough for one - small kitchen, bathroom, bedroom with space for a twin.

 

[stealth2]

Just to clarify the situation. Normally, the ex does not work summers, except for a day or two a week - so he is around all the time. Even if that were not the case, he would be home evenings, and mornings. And that would be expected in most situations. No problem.

The "problem" is that neither of the above is the case. He will be away day and night for the week, and home for the weekend only.