new school/interesting.

[sometwo]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TN

Not a question just thought this was interesting. I know it will probably be deleted since not a question. I figured though if this school does it there's probably more out there that has said the same thing.

So stepson went to middle school this year (7th grade). Mom has not seen him in 2 1/2 years now because of a failed drug test.

Visitation papers state, "this schedule is depends on Mother remaining drug free" along with some other terms.

Mom has only once every showed up at school . It was during a registration day , she went in , asked if they had custody papers on file, they told her yes , then she left. The teacher had told us this because she thought it strange that she came just to ask that and leave. (this was 2nd grade)

Anyway the Elementary school seemed to be ok with the custody papers to an extent. I will say they never said they would release him to her and let my husband put on the school papers she could not pick him up.

It had never been mentioned to stepson that he could not go with mom if she picked him up. He always thought that would hurt him and I agree. I was told in 5th grade not to go with my mom and I knew at the time she was trying to come to school and take me. I was scared for a while when I walked down the hall afraid she would come take me away from my home. I didn't want stepson to ever feel even remotely like that either.

So at the middle school we show them the papers. Even if the drug test is provided to them they say they cannot stop mom from picking up child however if stepson says he is not leaving with her he can do that. He doesn't have to go with her.

My husband and I kinda looked at each other . That is not something he wanted to put the child in the middle of . So on the way home he had to go over again our procedure about letting anyone pick them up (we've always had a password that was supposed to be used when someone picked the kids up) . He then explained that he knows this is going to hurt him and he was sorry but he wanted to make sure he understood if mom shows up and he had not told him to go with her that he needs to make sure he says no . That he needs to make sure to tell the staff that he is not going with her. He told him that goes for anyone who is there that neither of us had told him about or didn't have the password.

I was just thinking last night how it really sucked the child had to be told and he would be the one to stand up. Hopefully that will never happen as it hasn't so far . Mom has in the past though sent an email stating she has thought about running off with the kids.

I just wanted to post because I thought it sad that it feels like parents sometimes are forced to bring their child in the middle like that. I know my husband should probably go back to court and get that in the order or a new order however with her staying away right now and stepson safe he wouldn't risk opening that door up right now.

 

[liandrajade]

I just wanted to post because I thought it sad that it feels like parents sometimes are forced to bring their child in the middle like that. I know my husband should probably go back to court and get that in the order or a new order however with her staying away right now and stepson safe he wouldn't risk opening that door up right now.

I have to say I understand. It really is sad that the things people will do just to get back at you or have control or god knows whatever it is.

We all know my case with the grandmother and my child. My child NEVER should have been put through that and me as the parent has to deal with it. Sometimes you do not know what to say, kids are not dumb, they are going to ask questions at some point, what do you tell them? I find myself asking that question all the time.

 

[mistoffolees]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TN

Not a question just thought this was interesting. I know it will probably be deleted since not a question. I figured though if this school does it there's probably more out there that has said the same thing.

So stepson went to middle school this year (7th grade). Mom has not seen him in 2 1/2 years now because of a failed drug test.

Visitation papers state, "this schedule is depends on Mother remaining drug free" along with some other terms.

Mom has only once every showed up at school . It was during a registration day , she went in , asked if they had custody papers on file, they told her yes , then she left. The teacher had told us this because she thought it strange that she came just to ask that and leave. (this was 2nd grade)

Anyway the Elementary school seemed to be ok with the custody papers to an extent. I will say they never said they would release him to her and let my husband put on the school papers she could not pick him up.

It had never been mentioned to stepson that he could not go with mom if she picked him up. He always thought that would hurt him and I agree. I was told in 5th grade not to go with my mom and I knew at the time she was trying to come to school and take me. I was scared for a while when I walked down the hall afraid she would come take me away from my home. I didn't want stepson to ever feel even remotely like that either.

So at the middle school we show them the papers. Even if the drug test is provided to them they say they cannot stop mom from picking up child however if stepson says he is not leaving with her he can do that. He doesn't have to go with her.

My husband and I kinda looked at each other . That is not something he wanted to put the child in the middle of . So on the way home he had to go over again our procedure about letting anyone pick them up (we've always had a password that was supposed to be used when someone picked the kids up) . He then explained that he knows this is going to hurt him and he was sorry but he wanted to make sure he understood if mom shows up and he had not told him to go with her that he needs to make sure he says no . That he needs to make sure to tell the staff that he is not going with her. He told him that goes for anyone who is there that neither of us had told him about or didn't have the password.

I was just thinking last night how it really sucked the child had to be told and he would be the one to stand up. Hopefully that will never happen as it hasn't so far . Mom has in the past though sent an email stating she has thought about running off with the kids.

I just wanted to post because I thought it sad that it feels like parents sometimes are forced to bring their child in the middle like that. I know my husband should probably go back to court and get that in the order or a new order however with her staying away right now and stepson safe he wouldn't risk opening that door up right now.

Has the mother made specific threats about picking the child up? If so, I'd head back to court to get a restraining order preventing her from being near the school.

 

[sometwo]

Has the mother made specific threats about picking the child up? If so, I'd head back to court to get a restraining order preventing her from being near the school.

Not recently no. This was years ago. My husband won't take it back to court right now because he hasn't seen her in 2 1/2 years and he'd like it to stay that way . I would like to say she wouldn't do that but given her past and many years of on and off supervised visitation, drug use, abandonment, neglect etc who knows what she's capable of.

Just wanted to cover the "just in case"

 

[mistoffolees]

Not recently no. This was years ago. My husband won't take it back to court right now because he hasn't seen her in 2 1/2 years and he'd like it to stay that way . I would like to say she wouldn't do that but given her past and many years of on and off supervised visitation, drug use, abandonment, neglect etc who knows what she's capable of.

Just wanted to cover the "just in case"

I think I agree with your husband. There's no evidence of a problem, so you're not likely to get a court to do much to prevent something that hasn't happened. Meanwhile, get the child some kind of locator device and attach it to his backpack. Instruct him to always keep his backpack with him.

 

[neopandora]

Not recently no. This was years ago. My husband won't take it back to court right now because he hasn't seen her in 2 1/2 years and he'd like it to stay that way . I would like to say she wouldn't do that but given her past and many years of on and off supervised visitation, drug use, abandonment, neglect etc who knows what she's capable of.

Just wanted to cover the "just in case"

I think your husband has the right idea, but if there's been no contact at all from mom, in TN there is an 18 month rule re: visitation in documented severe cases along the lines of yours that should you now or in the future need to go to Court would probably help you out. I'll copy the code/statute for you on Monday if you like. You would have to go to Court to enforce it, but basically if a parent has no contact in 18 months with the child, suspended visitation can be granted and/or to limit visitation/contact with other factors in the best interests of the child. Just an FYI for future reference.

In TN, a lot of schools seem to automatically state both parents can pick up the child unless you have Court orders stating otherwise. And that's true and should be true. However, if you have a parenting plan or Court order that states precise visitation times (i.e. every other weekend from Friday 6:00 p.m. to Sunday 6:00 p.m., etc) and NONE of the parent's visitation schedule ever crosses into school hours, just take that parenting plan in and they will not let Mom pick up child from school. This will work for removing the child from school except in a health emergency, but if Mom doesn't have medical decision making, or joint decision making on medical, they should not contact her in an emergency. Hopefully that will help you with the school. They really seem to respond to parenting plans that state specific visitation hours.

 

[sometwo]

I think your husband has the right idea, but if there's been no contact at all from mom, in TN there is an 18 month rule re: visitation in documented severe cases along the lines of yours that should you now or in the future need to go to Court would probably help you out. I'll copy the code/statute for you on Monday if you like. You would have to go to Court to enforce it, but basically if a parent has no contact in 18 months with the child, suspended visitation can be granted and/or to limit visitation/contact with other factors in the best interests of the child. Just an FYI for future reference.

He knows. We also know that 4 months with no contact and or support you can file abandonment. (no child support ever in the papers it says mom would notify dad if she obtains employment so she could help contribute to said child, she's had a job off and on since the papers were written) Any court proceeding at this point though would not be in the best interest of stepson and that's why its not perused.

In TN, a lot of schools seem to automatically state both parents can pick up the child unless you have Court orders stating otherwise. And that's true and should be true. However, if you have a parenting plan or Court order that states precise visitation times (i.e. every other weekend from Friday 6:00 p.m. to Sunday 6:00 p.m., etc) and NONE of the parent's visitation schedule ever crosses into school hours, just take that parenting plan in and they will not let Mom pick up child from school. This will work for removing the child from school except in a health emergency, but if Mom doesn't have medical decision making, or joint decision making on medical, they should not contact her in an emergency. Hopefully that will help you with the school. They really seem to respond to parenting plans that state specific visitation hours.

There are specifics in the visitation papers. Specifics for supervised, then moved up to specifics for the day every other Saturday only . Then it stated it was supposed to move up to overnights after meeting with counselor in July of that year if he (counselor agreed) He didn't agree and overnights nor more visitation was ever added. Then the whole failed drug test so my husband stopped visitation until she can take it to court and get a new order.

That's where it stands and will stay that way until she takes it to court most likely.

 

[CJane]

I gotta tell you, I think it was pretty crappy of Dad to lay all of that on the kid. He's what... 12? 13? And he's being told SPECIFICALLY not to leave the school with his mother (whom he hasn't even seen in 2.5 years) but in such a way that even you relaying it here makes it sound like he was told he'd be in danger with his mother...

I get it. She's a druggie. I don't want my kids hanging out with druggies either.

But Dad really couldn't think of ANY WAY AT ALL to make this a general "Ok son, I know we talk about this all the time, and I know you think you're all grown now... but it's just as important TODAY as it was when you were 5. NEVER EVER leave the school, or wherever you're supposed to be, with ANYONE AT ALL who either doesn't have the password, or you haven't been told in advance."

Really?

Like I tell my kids (one of whom is 13) when I leave the house. "You don't answer the door for ANYONE -- I don't care if it's GOD. You do NOT ANSWER THE DOOR."

I don't need to make them a LIST of who NOT to answer the door for. EVERYONE is on the list. Even God.

AND, the school doesn't have the "power" to enforce Dad's order for him. Unless it expressly states that Mom CANNOT pick the child up from school, the school would ABSOLUTELY be in the wrong to get between her and her child. Could they call security? Sure. Could they report the issue? Sure. Can the ACTUALLY enforce what Dad TELLS them the order is? Nope.

 

[stealth2]

I gotta tell you, I think it was pretty crappy of Dad to lay all of that on the kid. He's what... 12? 13? And he's being told SPECIFICALLY not to leave the school with his mother (whom he hasn't even seen in 2.5 years) but in such a way that even you relaying it here makes it sound like he was told he'd be in danger with his mother...

I get it. She's a druggie. I don't want my kids hanging out with druggies either.

But Dad really couldn't think of ANY WAY AT ALL to make this a general "Ok son, I know we talk about this all the time, and I know you think you're all grown now... but it's just as important TODAY as it was when you were 5. NEVER EVER leave the school, or wherever you're supposed to be, with ANYONE AT ALL who either doesn't have the password, or you haven't been told in advance."

Really?

Like I tell my kids (one of whom is 13) when I leave the house. "You don't answer the door for ANYONE -- I don't care if it's GOD. You do NOT ANSWER THE DOOR."

I don't need to make them a LIST of who NOT to answer the door for. EVERYONE is on the list. Even God.

AND, the school doesn't have the "power" to enforce Dad's order for him. Unless it expressly states that Mom CANNOT pick the child up from school, the school would ABSOLUTELY be in the wrong to get between her and her child. Could they call security? Sure. Could they report the issue? Sure. Can the ACTUALLY enforce what Dad TELLS them the order is? Nope.

I have to agree - there had to have been a better way to reinforce things to the kiddo. We've always operated on a "if you intend to be anywhere other than where I expect you to be, you need to call me first." Does he have a cell phone?

And really... a "password" approach at 12/13? Makes sense to me for a little one, but not at this age. Both of mine were often offered rides home by friends' parents. All they had to do was give me a ring and let me know.

 

[CJane]

I have to agree - there had to have been a better way to reinforce things to the kiddo. We've always operated on a "if you intend to be anywhere other than where I expect you to be, you need to call me first." Does he have a cell phone?

And really... a "password" approach at 12/13? Makes sense to me for a little one, but not at this age. Both of mine were often offered rides home by friends' parents. All they had to do was give me a ring and let me know.

There's that too. I'm not a fan of the whole password thing anyway. What's the kid gonna do, scream bloody murder if the person says "Antelope" instead of "Gazelle"? Refuse to go with Gramma because she can't remember her crazy-skinny African ruminants specifically enough?

But ya know, that's one of those crazy parenting decisions that people make that's harmless to Junior.

The other decision Dad made? Stunningly bad and potentially harmful to the child.

 

[stealth2]

But ya know, that's one of those crazy parenting decisions that people make that's harmless to Junior.

No, not harmful. But completely ineffectual as he gets just a little older.

 

[CJane]

No, not harmful. But completely ineffectual as he gets just a little older.

It would be completely ineffectual with my 4.5 year old. And my 10 year old. Definitely with my 13 year old.

It's just (IMO) a dorky system.

 

[mistoffolees]

It would be completely ineffectual with my 4.5 year old. And my 10 year old. Definitely with my 13 year old.

It's just (IMO) a dorky system.

That's too bad. Lots of people find it helpful.

If it doesn't work for you, no one is making you use it.

 

[sometwo]

I have to agree - there had to have been a better way to reinforce things to the kiddo. We've always operated on a "if you intend to be anywhere other than where I expect you to be, you need to call me first." Does he have a cell phone?

And really... a "password" approach at 12/13? Makes sense to me for a little one, but not at this age. Both of mine were often offered rides home by friends' parents. All they had to do was give me a ring and let me know.

He does not have a cell phone. We believe they are still too young for cell phones. Plus he's not very responsible. In fact the 10 yr old would be much more responsible with a phone than he would (we are working on this issue).

The password didn't really work for him either. The 10 yr old would ask before getting in the car with anyone what her password was. Stepson has never asked when someone else picked him up.

Stepson already knows why he can't go to his mom's, about the drug use etc. His counselor discussed all this when he was in counseling years ago. He knows what the issues are. So its not like he doesn't know what's going on.

Your all right it sucks dad feels he had to tell him this . However that's what he felt he had to do to make sure he stayed safe. He stressed in the conversation that goes for anyone but most kids wouldn't think twice about going with their own parent. I wouldn't have before the whole ordeal with my mom threatening to take me. I really don't think I would have thought it was a big deal. Why? Because that's my MOM , why not? It wouldn't have been some stranger , it was my mother. Most times passwords and stuff are put in place for the other people besides the parents.

Mom and Dad are supposed to be the two people you DO trust. When one of them you can't it's not something the other parent can help. However , unfortunately , there are instances , like this, where sometimes you do have to say something.

I respect dad's decision, as his parent, to make that choice.

 

[mistoffolees]

He does not have a cell phone. We believe they are still too young for cell phones. Plus he's not very responsible. In fact the 10 yr old would be much more responsible with a phone than he would (we are working on this issue).

As I suggested before, if you have concerns, get a tracking device and put it into his backpack. If you attach it to the backpack, he's not going to lose it - unless he loses the entire backpack.