wileybunch
Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Nevada
I am the stepmom. DH can have his 13yo 50/50 in the summer, but has ~43% this summer (last summer got none -- Mom violated order all summer with no contact w/ kids until court in Aug). 13yo is smart, active, self sufficient, etc. in many ways, but can have a mood shift at bedtime. I'm not sure if it's a mood disorder sort of thing, depression, ADHD, or what b/c she can be completely fine and is very active and then it's like a switch flips. I've watched it happen and so far haven't really intervened, DH has handled it, but I would hazard a guess it's an irrational sort of thought process that kicks in from what I've observed. Also on visits, she seems fine, happy go lucky, etc. until her mother calls and that seems to set things in motion and she can become sullen, but will later snap out of it. I have no idea if her mother is saying something to her to make her feel down or what. It came out in counseling with Mom and Dad earlier this summer that Mom has been telling the kids to be afraid of their dad, a shocking confession and one the counselor tried to get to the bottom of, but she stopped going to sessions. I don't think there's anything DH can do about the phone calls, her mom wants to call and she has a right per the court order to call every day. Sometimes it's every day (like over Christmas break) and sometimes like this last period from Friday to Sunday she didn't call, then she'll call each day.
DD can have problems going to sleep at night. This is a problem for her at home, too. She's taken some sort of medication to sleep, but DH doesn't know what it is, it's something natural vs. prescription. Mom won't talk about it, she acts like it's only at our house, but DD says it's at home, too. She went to bed some time after 11PM last night and came in our room at 1AM to get DH b/c she was having a hard time sleeping. I don't know if she was really awake that whole time. She'll say she is, but she's never overly tired like you'd expect. DH laid down with her and she fell asleep right away.
DH doesn't have her for more than 5 days this summer because Mom insisted DD not come longer than that. She actually didn't want DH to have her more than a 3-day weekend. There was a longer period for vacation and because we were spending some vacation out of town and some in, DH offered Mom a dinner date and so that was on the notarized schedule (winding its way through judge signing it as a stipulation now) with question mark b/c Mom never requested them, she was more concerned with trying to throw out DH's schedule entirely and keep the regular school year schedule and only signed at the last minute because he was going to go to court w/a motion to compel.
DH got a call from his ex yesterday demanding a dinner date. He told her no b/c we have plans so she insisted if not yesterday than today and if not today then she is tacking 3 hours onto her next period and he can pick her up later. He told her she doesn't have a dinner date because they were only for extended periods ie. when she's with either parent for a week at a time and that he had plans for these days anyway and wasn't willing to give up the time. He said if she wanted to get off work a little early and have her today from 4-5PM and take her down the hill from our house for something to eat, that would be OK and she hung up on him. She then called her DD, but he doesn't know what she said to her.
DH checked his email yesterday and he had some nasty grams from his ex from Friday and yesterday and responded last night and Mom is insisting she gets a dinner date, that DD considers any visit longer than 3 days extended and Mom gets a dinner date then. Said she can't get off early so she will tack the time onto her next parenting time and he can pick her up 3 hours later.
It seems somewhat crippling that an able-bodied 13yo who's very mature (has older adult siblings and likes to be part of adult conversations, babysits todders/babies by herself, etc. so takes on a mother role herself and she looks much older at 5'7") falls into this pattern. DH and spoken about it to the counselor last year and he spoke to DD and suggested when she's feeling homesick to call one of her friends which she rarely does, but we encourage it and also encourage her to have a friend over which she's only done once (she can be more of a loner and "selective" about her friends).
So that's the background and my question is what suggestions you have in this situation. Be gentle. LOL.
I am the stepmom. DH can have his 13yo 50/50 in the summer, but has ~43% this summer (last summer got none -- Mom violated order all summer with no contact w/ kids until court in Aug). 13yo is smart, active, self sufficient, etc. in many ways, but can have a mood shift at bedtime. I'm not sure if it's a mood disorder sort of thing, depression, ADHD, or what b/c she can be completely fine and is very active and then it's like a switch flips. I've watched it happen and so far haven't really intervened, DH has handled it, but I would hazard a guess it's an irrational sort of thought process that kicks in from what I've observed. Also on visits, she seems fine, happy go lucky, etc. until her mother calls and that seems to set things in motion and she can become sullen, but will later snap out of it. I have no idea if her mother is saying something to her to make her feel down or what. It came out in counseling with Mom and Dad earlier this summer that Mom has been telling the kids to be afraid of their dad, a shocking confession and one the counselor tried to get to the bottom of, but she stopped going to sessions. I don't think there's anything DH can do about the phone calls, her mom wants to call and she has a right per the court order to call every day. Sometimes it's every day (like over Christmas break) and sometimes like this last period from Friday to Sunday she didn't call, then she'll call each day.
DD can have problems going to sleep at night. This is a problem for her at home, too. She's taken some sort of medication to sleep, but DH doesn't know what it is, it's something natural vs. prescription. Mom won't talk about it, she acts like it's only at our house, but DD says it's at home, too. She went to bed some time after 11PM last night and came in our room at 1AM to get DH b/c she was having a hard time sleeping. I don't know if she was really awake that whole time. She'll say she is, but she's never overly tired like you'd expect. DH laid down with her and she fell asleep right away.
DH doesn't have her for more than 5 days this summer because Mom insisted DD not come longer than that. She actually didn't want DH to have her more than a 3-day weekend. There was a longer period for vacation and because we were spending some vacation out of town and some in, DH offered Mom a dinner date and so that was on the notarized schedule (winding its way through judge signing it as a stipulation now) with question mark b/c Mom never requested them, she was more concerned with trying to throw out DH's schedule entirely and keep the regular school year schedule and only signed at the last minute because he was going to go to court w/a motion to compel.
DH got a call from his ex yesterday demanding a dinner date. He told her no b/c we have plans so she insisted if not yesterday than today and if not today then she is tacking 3 hours onto her next period and he can pick her up later. He told her she doesn't have a dinner date because they were only for extended periods ie. when she's with either parent for a week at a time and that he had plans for these days anyway and wasn't willing to give up the time. He said if she wanted to get off work a little early and have her today from 4-5PM and take her down the hill from our house for something to eat, that would be OK and she hung up on him. She then called her DD, but he doesn't know what she said to her.
DH checked his email yesterday and he had some nasty grams from his ex from Friday and yesterday and responded last night and Mom is insisting she gets a dinner date, that DD considers any visit longer than 3 days extended and Mom gets a dinner date then. Said she can't get off early so she will tack the time onto her next parenting time and he can pick her up 3 hours later.
It seems somewhat crippling that an able-bodied 13yo who's very mature (has older adult siblings and likes to be part of adult conversations, babysits todders/babies by herself, etc. so takes on a mother role herself and she looks much older at 5'7") falls into this pattern. DH and spoken about it to the counselor last year and he spoke to DD and suggested when she's feeling homesick to call one of her friends which she rarely does, but we encourage it and also encourage her to have a friend over which she's only done once (she can be more of a loner and "selective" about her friends).
So that's the background and my question is what suggestions you have in this situation. Be gentle. LOL.
. Soon after her mom moved away, kiddo would alternately cry/pout/rage during throughout their phone calls and then be inconsolable for hours afterward. Kiddo's counselor helped us to establish guidelines for her to assert more control over conversations with Mom: e.g., avoid topics that are emotional landmines, express feelings calmly ("I" statements, rather than "you" statements), redirect when Mom becomes hurtful or manipulative. After several months, kiddo really got the hang of it, and then she was super during phone calls: direct, yet calm and respectful as could be. And she'd be right as rain all afternoon and evening. But eventually she'd go into meltdown, usually at bedtime -- if not that same night, then one or two days on. Crying jags, phantom pains, nightmares...you name it. 
